Thursday, September 11, 2014

ACEterview: Lets Beat Some Bitches Up

HAPPY 9/11!
Oh boy, do I have a treat for you guys today. Turns out that after Ray Rice got cut he was begging anybody and everybody for an interview. Turns out, most people didn't want to hear his shit. Also turns out, I'll interview anybody about anything because that's just what I'm bout. So without any further ado, I bring to you; RAY RICE'S PRINCIPALITIES OF SLAPPING BITCHES.

ME: *Calls Ray on cell* Hey, I'm at Waffle House. Sitting right where you told me to.
Ray Rice: Alright, son. I'm getting out the whip.

PUSSY CONTROL!
ME: *Standing and applauding* I can't tell if you're the biggest dick in the world or a fucking AMERICAN HERO!
RR: I'm a big dicked American Hero. Alright alright alriiiiiight.
ME: One more Kevin Hart joke and I'm out of here.

ME: So Ray, tell me about what went down that night at the casino. The world wants to know.
RR: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I did what I had to do. You can't let these hoes disrespect you at all, but ain't no way it can happen in public. I'm the supreme hoe checker.
ME: Ya....but what happened.
RR: Man, I was just at the casino shooting some craps betting snake eyes and double sixes all night like us brothas do, and this chickenhead started getting mad over some girl eyeing me from across the way. And I'm just like, "Yeah bitch, she eyeing me. And I'm eyeing that white coochie right back". So she started trippin' and went to this white girl with some kind of attitude. And that's just some shit that I don't accept. White women need to be.....good lawd I love them white women. Those white hoes need to be treated with respect, no matter who they lookin at. Do you know how good their credit score is?
ME: So did you step in or just watch it happen?
RR: I sat back for a minute, and had my phone out just waiting to yell "WOOOOOOOOORLD STAAAAAAAR". And this white girl had some big ol milk cannons. I thought for sure Janay was gonna pull them titties out, so I just let her go. But then she want to just go over there and talk about shit, "Why you eyeing my man? Can't you see he's with me? You better watch your snow white lookin ass before I cut you." So then I was like WUT! You think I'm gonna let you cut snow white with a big booty? Bitch you crazy.
ME: So is the moment that got caught on tape right after that?
RR: Aw naw. I had to take my snow bunny to the side and apologize. Give her some of this LONG DICK!
ME: WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT KEVIN HART JOKES?!?!?!
RR: Alright alright, my bad. But I did have to break Pasty Polly off proper.

ME: So what happened in the video that the whole world has seen?
RR: You saw that bitch try to throat chop me outside the elevator, right? I don't play about my throat. You can touch me anywhere, but not my throat. That's how I knew she wasn't fuckin around.
ME: Ya man....totally saw that. So what happened next?
RR: So we got in that elevator and I got real close to her...
ME: Did you fucking spit on her? I know you spit on her.
RR: Naw. I had one of white girls pubes in my mouth and I blew it onto her face.
ME: That's some ill shit.
RR: Yeah. Looking back I probably shouldn't have taken it that far. But I just had to get that shit out of my mouth. It was stuck in my teeth for like 10 minutes. It came loose when we got in the elevator and I just thought that shit would be funny. That bitch never did have a sense of humor.
ME: So why did you have to beat her ass like you did after that?
RR: It was either kill or be killed at that point. And that's a Level 1 green light to knock a bitch out.
ME: Wait, so there's levels to this shit? I gotta hear this.

RR: Alright. Well like I said, Level 1 is kill or be killed. You got some big ol Baby D lookin hoe coming your way you gotta drop bombs and treat her like a man. No looking back, no second guessing, just put her down.
ME: I respect that. Even though you spit pubes in her face-
RR: NIGGA! Are you listening or not. KILL OR BE KILLED.
ME: Alright. I got it. What are the other levels?
RR: K. Level 2: she start talking about getting some other motherfuckers to come beat your ass. Like lets say you just push her down the steps for looking at you funny. You know, just some regular shit. Then she gets up talmabout she gon get her daddy and cousin to come shoot your ass. Nope. Gotta check her ass on the spot.
ME: Seems like you're kind of asking for it. But okay.
RR: Fuckin soft ass cracka. Anyway. Level 3: She start talking about your moms. On god, you gotta snatch that bitch up with a quickness. Like she can't even think to say somethin and you already got her throat. You can't play that shit. Snatch the life out of her.
ME: I'm sure your mom is proud.
RR: Buhlee dat. Level 4 is one of my favorite times to slap a bitch. Let her start talking shit about how she's gonna beat your ass. You sit there and laugh it off, let her think you aren't taking her seriously. But in the back of your mind...you already got a nice little three piece lined up fo dat ass. Let her make the first move and then BLAM! YOU READY TO GO NIGHT NIGHT!
ME: For fuck's sake man, stop with the Kevin Hart shit.
RR: It's true doe.
ME: I hear you. Here is what my friend Smoak had to say about a Level 4 situation(seriously):
#RayRice Errbody wanna take a stand on wetha u HIT FEMALES OR NOT...but dont nobody wanna talk about DES BITCHES NEEDING TO BE PUNCHED IN THE MOUTH..U kno like using Fighting Words...bitches Loooove to use fighting words until dey get dat ass #MortalKombat Slapped all in dey shit...lol #ImJusSayinDoe
RR:

ME: Alright, so there are just four levels? Four situations where it's okay to hit a woman?
RR: Hell no. My levels are about 25 deep. If a bitch snaps her fingers at you, sucks her teeth, talks about your small dick, folds your towels instead of rolling them shits, can't fry food for shit, stays over at her moms house too long, stays in the shower too long, fucks up dinner, doesn't keep the car clean, doesn't put my motherfucking silverware on the right side of the plate, buys those watermelons with seeds, or even takes a deep breath without permission. MOTHERFUCKIN SLAP EM IN DEY MOUF!
ME: What don't you slap women for?
RR: *Stunned at such a question* Well...gotdamn. I don't know if there is a situation that can't be made better by slapping a bitch. That shit is like... it's like getting one of those gold stars in Mario Kart.
ME: The N64 game?
RR: Yeeeeeeeeeeea. You just get that shit, you start flashing like a mothafucka, that music comes on and makes you all happy, and then you just going around slapping bitches. And everybody knows it's coming and they ain't even mad at you when you get em, cuz they know slappin bitches needs to be done when you get that star.
ME: I think that analogy works.
RR: Imagine getting a star and not being able to slap somebody.
ME: Oka--
RR: STOP! Just imagine that kind of world.
ME:What was your character?
RR: I always rolled with Wario. He sounded like some black folks named him.

ME: So now that you are basically out of the league forever, how are you feeling?
RR: I feel like Roger Goodell lied to me.
ME: How?
RR: He said ain't nothing really wrong with slapping bitches, but he has to make people think he cares.
ME: I believe it.
RR: Turns out when the camera gets turned on he acts like a REAL OL BITCH. I shoulda slapped his ass. How I go from 2 games to out of the league. We both sat there and watched that video. Shit, the only reason he gave me two games is because I didn't back hand the bitch. Now he wants to come out and suspend me indefinitely. I don't even know what that shit means.
ME: It means you can't come back until he tells you.
RR: Word? Ain't that some shit. Brandon Marshall punched a hole in a bitches face and he got suspended three games.
ME: Yeah, that doesn't seem-
RR: HE PUT HIS ENTIRE FIST THROUGH HER FACE!
ME: I get it. It's not fair.
RR: Ray Lewis killed a man. He would tell me about it everyday in the showers. Ed Reid used to kill homeless dudes and steal their beards. Shits insane. You got Jerry Jones out here raping bitches like he's Ben mothafuckin whitemansnameberger. And I'm out the league.
ME: It's a cold world. That's what you get for going to Rutgers.

ME: Well Ray, I'm glad you took the time out of your busy day to spend it with me.
RR: I'm unemployed. I ain't doing shit.
ME: I know. I was just trying to make you feel good. You could be in line for your Obamaphone or something. But you're here with me and that means...
RR: That means you make another racist joke and I'm gonna be slapping your bitch ass.
ME: Oh come on now, I'm just messing around. But let's not act like race wasn't involved in this whole incident.
RR: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
ME: You know if you would have done that to a white girl they would have MikeBrown'd your ass.
RR: Fuck outta here.
ME: Keep doing your thing. It's obviously working out for you. Tell Goodell I said to keep his pimp hand strong.

Questions for the comments:
Would this have played out differently if Janay were white? How about if they were both white?
Is Ray Rice's extended suspension kind of bullshit because he is getting punished for getting caught on camera, not for his actions?
Does Goodell get fired over this LOLOLOLOLOLOL?

But for reals, is it ever okay to hit a female? I vote yes, but it can't be domestic violence. Like if a hooker walks up to me and slaps me then I have every right to punch her directly in her herpes outbreak. But if your wife does it...I think that's one you have to just man up and take. But if women want equality, then they're getting all of it.

...with liberty and justice for all.

30 comments:

Grumpy said...

Ace, you be way funnier on paper than in person.

Goodell be gone...soon.

Rice never plays another down.

Plays out the same regardless of race.

Jeff said...

You gon learn today!

Good shit, Ace.

Mr. Ace said...

I gots da jokes.

I don't think Goodell is going anywhere. He is too good to the owners and they are ultimately the ones who decide his fate. I just can't see him going down without conclusive proof of him watching the video. And I don't think that's coming out.

I have only witnessed a girl getting hit by a man one time, in college. I was at a party in BG with my BLACK FRIENDS and this white guy slapped his sister. Don't ever slap a white princess in the presence of black folk. They didn't actually beat up the kid because the sister was begging them not to, but they scared the shit out of this kid. Made him get on the floor and kiss his sisters feet, made him call himself a bitch and then made him take his shirt and shoes off and walk home. It was great. And the girl ending up blowing two of my friends that night.

GMoney said...

How does Greg Schiano get no credit for molding this young man into a spitting (literally) image of himself?

If it was Jane Palmer getting slapped by Ray Rice, charges are filed and he goes to jail.

Hookers aren't women. They aren't even people. Beat away.

He deserved an indefinite suspension way more than 2 games. I don't give a fuck about whether a scumbag gets treated fairly though.

Roger will weasel his way out of this and stay in charge but he is on very thin ice. Got to love a guy who pleads stupidity and no one holds him accountable.

White girl blew two black dudes? She should be in jail I say!

GMoney said...

But I'm not entirely certain that you can cry racism from The Shield here. Just last year, they villified the fuck out of Richie Incognito for picking on a gay black guy. And he was just being a supreme asshole, not beating women.

GMoney said...

Either way, Floyd Mayweather is the biggest piece of shit ever.

Cakes said...

Haha! I needed a laugh today. Well done, Ace.

GMoney said...

I'll be the commenter of the day apparently...how the fuck does Oscar Pistorius escape a murder rap? That's fucked up.

Anonymous said...

Supposedly, no legs can still spend years in prison...they haven't announced everything yet.

Paul George lost his sympathy today with his tweets on the Rice situation.

Mayweather is indeed the worst.

I don't think race had anything to do with the Rice penalty either.
--Drew

GMoney said...

Uh, is there any troof to this rumor that Rihanna is performing before the Pit/Bal game tonight? Holy shit, that would be some fucking awful timing/arrogance.

Mr. Ace said...

More of a societal comment than about the NFL. The NFL had been pretty consistent up to this point with their punishment for DV. The video was obviously the game changer. But yes, let RayRay slap a white girl and watch how fast those cuffs get slapped on.

And I agree he deserved an indefinite suspension, but so did all the other DV offenders.

Grumpy said...

How did the local police look at this video and not charge him with assault?

Prime99 said...

I'm unclear on if the victim needs to press charges or if the police can charge the assailant without the victim wanting to press charges, but that has to be a factor.

There is zero chance of this, but I wish the Ravens crowd would be silent for opening kickoff and the first series of the game. That would be a nice and creepy protest.

Well done, Ape. Can always count on you for a great fake interview!

GMoney said...

How the fuck are we supposed to bet the game tonight? There are SO MANY factors and distractions. I would probably lean PIT +3 but my God I am not comfortable with that at all. I watched the Steelers in the second half on Sunday.

Really looking forward to Feel Seems' take on domestic violence tonight.

T. Iceman said...

One of the best interviews ever done here. Solid effort. Pulitzer type stuff.

What sucks is there is no way in fucking hell Goodell didn't see that video but zero way to prove it. Unless there is video of him watching the video. He's a little slimey bastard that fucked up this situation from day one and needs to at least admit it.

And Rice's wife is doing everything in her power to lose the public's sympathy by blaming the media for Rice essentially getting kicked out of the league. It's not the media's fault your husband is a piece of shit.

Jeff said...

Grump, he was offered pre trial intervention, and rightfully so under New Jersey law as a first time offender. Its a legal system flaw if any.

Jeff said...

I'm guessing they use pretrial intervention because too many bitches get in the way of Bros fist pumping in the clubs

T. Iceman said...

I take back my original statement. Maybe someone CAN prove the NFL had that tape. There's a federal investigation about to kick off shortly and also a guy saying he has a voicemail verifying the office requested and received that tape. Awe shit. It's about to go down, fuckers.

Mr. Ace said...

Ice, it appears that Goodell's BRUHS are the ones running this "independent investigation" so don't expect too much. The NFL higher ups are better protected than government officials. Nobody is rolling over.

You knew there were going to be knuckledraggers coming out to support Rice. Most of them are just trying to protect themselves though. They can't imagine losing their living for something they do with regularity.

I can't believe I didn't fit in a Stephen A Smiff reference.

T. Iceman said...

That's true, Ace. I didn't realize the agent doing the investigating was a guy who regularly scratches the underside of Goodell's shaft. Well hopefully there is some truth to this law enforcement agent saying he has proof the NFL office received the elevator video. It'll be hard to argue that someone in the office didn't feel Goodell needed to see it when ruling on Rice's suspension.

MUfan said...

I firmly believe physical violence is never the answer against anyone, male or female.

But 4 years ago, I went through hell in dealing with a female stalker. One of the most evil people I've ever met (or slept with). And I have to admit - I really, really wanted to cause her pain.

But I was mature and went to the police, and the cunt ended up a felon and spending time in jail.

Too serious of a comment for today?

But other than in extreme cases, violence is never the answer.

GMoney said...

No matter what this investigation unearths, it still comes down to Rog being either a pathological liar or mind-numbingly fucktardly incompetent at his job. Neither hat is attractive at all.

John Mara is a fucking asslicking cocksucker and Art Rooney's gay family invented the Rooney Rule so expect this report to be 100% Pro-Rog. While those two pussies fight for The Shield, I will wait on the Dan Snyder/Jimmy Haslam investigative report. Those two will get to the bottom of this.

Hmmmmm MUFan should probably avoid crazy chicks.

T. Iceman said...

Has anyone else seen the Jerry Richardson video of him talking about domestic violence? One of the top 5 best videos I've seen. The noises that come out of this man while he speaks. At one point he sounds like a whining dog. Just tremendous.

T. Iceman said...

And listening to these white SportsCenter people read off Paul George's tweets he wrote in ghetto speak is just as great.

GMoney said...

Sounds like Iceman is working really hard to find employment.

T. Iceman said...

There's this really fun invention called the "Internet", G$. You can use it for just about anything...including applying for jobs. I know it's tough to wrap your head around but I have faith in you. Maybe you and Ide should get together and talk about technology and how neither of you understand how it works.

Anonymous said...

G$.....and MUFan. .....

PLEASE let MUFan (hopefully, he's willing) write a post one day about this stalker. Obviously, you can change the names and locations. I just want this story as it sounds absolutely fascinating.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Hannah Storm reading afro tweets does not sound like a job board to me, bruh. Nailed it.

GMoney said...

Ape, got any gambling advice for tonight?

GMoney said...

I'm taking the Steelers +.5 in the first half.