|Heroin always wins.|
Anyway, I am just going to name myself the Fatherhood Mentor of Seal, Jeff, Z, Cakes, and Li'l Strut today and try to prepare you for what is coming. You know me well enough to know that there will only be #realtalk. I welcome all of the childless drunks that call this place home to also contribute with awful parenting advice. Seven days does not make one an expert but I'm going to act like it anyway. The problem with parenting is that nothing uniformly works. These fucking kids are a grab bag of constantly changing emotions so what may work for me (nothing yet!) may not work for you (that's a good thing!). So let me walk you through the first of week of fatherhood:
*Hopefully, you won't need to rush to the hospital. We were past term so She$ scheduled to be induced. If you can do it this way, do it this way. If her water breaks at home or something, you have to time contractions and call her doctor and generally be an insane person with horrible clutch genes. If all that you have to do is drive her to the hospital and let the doctors do their thing, that is YUGE. The less responsibility for you, the idiot, the better for everyone.
*Once you're there, relax because it is going to be forever. We got there at 4:45 am and didn't start pushing until around 6:30 pm. That is a long fucking day of nothing. I recommend taking as many naps as you can (per the advice of OH Nate). The couch in our delivery room was OK. Not great but sufficient to relax in. You will want this rest. Even though you don't do any of the pushing, it is a very stressful time. First time deliveries average taking 12-14 hours and the contractions/pushing can be anywhere from 1 to 3 hours. THREE HOURS OF PUSHING. She$ took a little over an hour and I was wiped out by the time baby girl came out.
*It isn't nearly as gross as I thought. There is too much going on for even an asshole such as myself to worry about meaningless things. That is the doctor's and nurse's problem...not mine. Our doc asked if we wanted a mirror so that we could see what was going on down there. I said "fuck no" for the both of us in the nicest way possible. I don't need that visual in my life ever. If you like watching vaginas stretched beyond belief then please stop reading this site.
*Then the baby is here. Whoa. As some of you may know, I did some Tweeting from the Delivery Room which I thought was OK. Wife might not know about this but she can DEAL WITH IT. I had no desire to cut the cord but the doctor pretty much shoved the scissors into my hands and I sucked it up. They then asked if we wanted the placenta. I had been joking with the wife for months that I was going to eat it. I did not eat the placenta. That would have been some sight, no guff. A good DR nurse and doctor is really key, I feel. If you like the people in the room, shit is going to be easier. Our doc told a racist story about some Korean guy he knew in med school and how no one knew how to pronounce his name so they just called him Tony against his wishes. It really helped me out a lot.
*We got the epidural unplugged and got cleaned up so it was time to head to the recovery room. I'll tell you, watching your baby get shots is not a lot of fun. I mentioned last week about that first poop explosion. You won't believe it until you see it. Trust me on this. Your wife is stuck in bed and it is your kid so it will be your job to clean up that 9 months of amniotic fluid volcano. Nothing is worse than this. I probably used half a pack of wipes. Also, changing diapers isn't THAT bad. If that kid is half you then so if half of that piss puddle. People forget that.
*Depending on your hospital, your wife may have the option of sending your kid to the nursery for a few hours in between feedings. DO NOT PUSH FOR THIS YOURSELF, but your wife may tell you to go home to get some sleep. Mine did on both nights. I did not ask for this. It didn't matter to me. But sleeping in an empty bed in your house and not on a shitty vinyl couch was ELITE. When you think about it, there is no point in you sleeping in the recovery room if the baby is up in the nursery. But whatever you do, DO NOT suggest that you want to go home.
*Take everything in that recovery room that is not bolted down. You are paying for it anyway. Every diaper and wipe and whatever goes home with you. Period.
*By the way, your missus just passed a giant watermelon out of her hoo-ha. She isn't feeling well. She may need help. Give her what she needs but for God's sake DO NOT LOOK. It's got Paul Anka's guarantee, guarantee void in Tennessee. JUST DON'T LOOK. JUST DON'T LOOK! ELITE reference. It's her body. She can deal with that. Just understand that she won't be out running 10Ks next week.
*Hospital food fucking sucks. Thankfully, Ohio Buckeyes Hospital has a Wendy's on the first floor. They had a really shitty breakfast spread set up every morning headlined by bagels and there weren't bagels there either day. And the coffee would have made Peter King puke. On the other hand, make sure that the missus is ordering from the cafeteria. Again, you are probably paying for this service whether you use it or not.
*Hey, it's time to leave! Easily the worst part about being a parent is how long the most basic shit ever takes. Putting in a car seat fucking blows. Unloading a stroller is terrible. Running errands with a kid takes four times longer than it should and that is even before she shits herself and bawls constantly. That was a fun trip to Target on Monday!
*Babies cry. A lot. News flush. Dealing with that is very important for your sanity. Pacifiers work. So does rocking them. Ours seems to fall asleep in the car immediately and is cool with walking around the block. Find out how to curb the crying ASAP.
*The big problem is night time OBVZ. Everybody probably has their own solution or recommendation but we have decided to throw her into the fire immediately. We are putting her in the nursery, in the crib, and leaving the room. She cries. OH DOES SHE CRY. Babies never tire of crying. They can't go from one boob to the other without falling asleep but if you ask them to actually go to sleep, they will produce a wail greater than a Seahawks home game. We've decided to go with the tough love approach AKA The Hootie and the Blowfish. We "let her cry" and hope that she tires herself out or--better yet--DEAL WITH IT. So far so bad but we're going to stick with it. You shouldn't be holding your kid all night. They want that and it doesn't help anyone.
*It is fucking impossible to sleep when a kid is crying. That's the worst part. If I could sleep through her tantrums, I would be ELITE. But I can't. No one can. It is the ultimate Bo Ryan Experience. Either DEAL WITH IT or die.
*I recommend loading up the DVR or picking a bunch of shit up from Red Box or even doing Netflix. You are going to be awake a lot more now. Time to get caught up on shit that you may have missed. I watched White House Down this week. It is probably the worst movie I've ever seen.
*Nap. A lot. When you get any spare time, fall asleep. But don't forget about the missus. She's losing way more nighttime sleep than you are. So far, I've been taking the post-primetime 10-1 am and the early 7-9 am shifts so that she can squeeze some decent naps in. I don't know what the fuck happens from 1-7 am and I don't care.
*Kids usually only cry for a few reasons: they need changed, they're hungry, or they want to be held. They aren't hard to figure out but they seem to be damn near impossible to master.
It's a pretty sweet gig though. My baby girl looks almost nothing like my wife and she is pretty much a baby clone of me. Not to sound like a cornball brother but it's adorbs when they look up at you and smile or squeeze your finger or rip really long and loud baby farts. That sort of makes it all worth it. But, yeah, she really needs to get on our sleep schedule. I hope that that helps my young fatherhood proteges and maybe the veteran dads would chime in with other helpful tips. Sleep now or forever hold your peace. And just remember that no matter how much you suck at the job, you will never be as bad as Tony Dungy and Andy Reid.