Wednesday, August 06, 2014

What To Expect When--OMG YOU ARE A DAD

Heroin always wins.
After an interesting week, G$ heads back to work today as his paternity leave is up.  I'm ready to get out of the house.  I need a break from the crying and whining.  But enough about She$...COUNT IT!  She knows that I'm writing about my first week of fatherhood today so I will be respectful and not spend all day slamming her for being inferior to the GR8 1.  If you are reading this, brisket sounds delicious for dinner tonight, woman.

Anyway, I am just going to name myself the Fatherhood Mentor of Seal, Jeff, Z, Cakes, and Li'l Strut today and try to prepare you for what is coming.  You know me well enough to know that there will only be #realtalk.  I welcome all of the childless drunks that call this place home to also contribute with awful parenting advice.  Seven days does not make one an expert but I'm going to act like it anyway.  The problem with parenting is that nothing uniformly works.  These fucking kids are a grab bag of constantly changing emotions so what may work for me (nothing yet!) may not work for you (that's a good thing!).  So let me walk you through the first of week of fatherhood:

*Hopefully, you won't need to rush to the hospital.  We were past term so She$ scheduled to be induced.  If you can do it this way, do it this way.  If her water breaks at home or something, you have to time contractions and call her doctor and generally be an insane person with horrible clutch genes.  If all that you have to do is drive her to the hospital and let the doctors do their thing, that is YUGE.  The less responsibility for you, the idiot, the better for everyone.

*Once you're there, relax because it is going to be forever.  We got there at 4:45 am and didn't start pushing until around 6:30 pm.  That is a long fucking day of nothing.  I recommend taking as many naps as you can (per the advice of OH Nate).  The couch in our delivery room was OK.  Not great but sufficient to relax in.  You will want this rest.  Even though you don't do any of the pushing, it is a very stressful time.  First time deliveries average taking 12-14 hours and the contractions/pushing can be anywhere from 1 to 3 hours.  THREE HOURS OF PUSHING.  She$ took a little over an hour and I was wiped out by the time baby girl came out.

*It isn't nearly as gross as I thought.  There is too much going on for even an asshole such as myself to worry about meaningless things.  That is the doctor's and nurse's problem...not mine.  Our doc asked if we wanted a mirror so that we could see what was going on down there.  I said "fuck no" for the both of us in the nicest way possible.  I don't need that visual in my life ever.  If you like watching vaginas stretched beyond belief then please stop reading this site.

*Then the baby is here.  Whoa.  As some of you may know, I did some Tweeting from the Delivery Room which I thought was OK.  Wife might not know about this but she can DEAL WITH IT.  I had no desire to cut the cord but the doctor pretty much shoved the scissors into my hands and I sucked it up.  They then asked if we wanted the placenta.  I had been joking with the wife for months that I was going to eat it.  I did not eat the placenta. That would have been some sight, no guff.  A good DR nurse and doctor is really key, I feel.  If you like the people in the room, shit is going to be easier.  Our doc told a racist story about some Korean guy he knew in med school and how no one knew how to pronounce his name so they just called him Tony against his wishes.  It really helped me out a lot.

*We got the epidural unplugged and got cleaned up so it was time to head to the recovery room.  I'll tell you, watching your baby get shots is not a lot of fun.  I mentioned last week about that first poop explosion.  You won't believe it until you see it.  Trust me on this.  Your wife is stuck in bed and it is your kid so it will be your job to clean up that 9 months of amniotic fluid volcano.  Nothing is worse than this.  I probably used half a pack of wipes. Also, changing diapers isn't THAT bad.  If that kid is half you then so if half of that piss puddle.  People forget that.

*Depending on your hospital, your wife may have the option of sending your kid to the nursery for a few hours in between feedings.  DO NOT PUSH FOR THIS YOURSELF, but your wife may tell you to go home to get some sleep.  Mine did on both nights.  I did not ask for this.  It didn't matter to me.  But sleeping in an empty bed in your house and not on a shitty vinyl couch was ELITE.  When you think about it, there is no point in you sleeping in the recovery room if the baby is up in the nursery.  But whatever you do, DO NOT suggest that you want to go home.

*Take everything in that recovery room that is not bolted down.  You are paying for it anyway.  Every diaper and wipe and whatever goes home with you.  Period.

*By the way, your missus just passed a giant watermelon out of her hoo-ha.  She isn't feeling well.  She may need help.  Give her what she needs but for God's sake DO NOT LOOK.  It's got Paul Anka's guarantee, guarantee void in Tennessee.  JUST DON'T LOOK.  JUST DON'T LOOK!  ELITE reference.  It's her body.  She can deal with that.  Just understand that she won't be out running 10Ks next week.

*Hospital food fucking sucks.  Thankfully, Ohio Buckeyes Hospital has a Wendy's on the first floor.  They had a really shitty breakfast spread set up every morning headlined by bagels and there weren't bagels there either day.  And the coffee would have made Peter King puke.  On the other hand, make sure that the missus is ordering from the cafeteria.  Again, you are probably paying for this service whether you use it or not.

*Hey, it's time to leave!  Easily the worst part about being a parent is how long the most basic shit ever takes.  Putting in a car seat fucking blows.  Unloading a stroller is terrible.  Running errands with a kid takes four times longer than it should and that is even before she shits herself and bawls constantly.  That was a fun trip to Target on Monday!

*Babies cry.  A lot.  News flush.  Dealing with that is very important for your sanity.  Pacifiers work.  So does rocking them.  Ours seems to fall asleep in the car immediately and is cool with walking around the block.  Find out how to curb the crying ASAP.

*The big problem is night time OBVZ.  Everybody probably has their own solution or recommendation but we have decided to throw her into the fire immediately.  We are putting her in the nursery, in the crib, and leaving the room.  She cries.  OH DOES SHE CRY.  Babies never tire of crying.  They can't go from one boob to the other without falling asleep but if you ask them to actually go to sleep, they will produce a wail greater than a Seahawks home game. We've decided to go with the tough love approach AKA The Hootie and the Blowfish.  We "let her cry" and hope that she tires herself out or--better yet--DEAL WITH IT.  So far so bad but we're going to stick with it.  You shouldn't be holding your kid all night.  They want that and it doesn't help anyone.

*It is fucking impossible to sleep when a kid is crying.  That's the worst part.  If I could sleep through her tantrums, I would be ELITE.  But I can't.  No one can.  It is the ultimate Bo Ryan Experience.  Either DEAL WITH IT or die.

*I recommend loading up the DVR or picking a bunch of shit up from Red Box or even doing Netflix.  You are going to be awake a lot more now.  Time to get caught up on shit that you may have missed.  I watched White House Down this week.  It is probably the worst movie I've ever seen.

*Nap.  A lot.  When you get any spare time, fall asleep. But don't forget about the missus.  She's losing way more nighttime sleep than you are.  So far, I've been taking the post-primetime 10-1 am and the early 7-9 am shifts so that she can squeeze some decent naps in.  I don't know what the fuck happens from 1-7 am and I don't care.

*Kids usually only cry for a few reasons: they need changed, they're hungry, or they want to be held.  They aren't hard to figure out but they seem to be damn near impossible to master.

It's a pretty sweet gig though.  My baby girl looks almost nothing like my wife and she is pretty much a baby clone of me.  Not to sound like a cornball brother but it's adorbs when they look up at you and smile or squeeze your finger or rip really long and loud baby farts.  That sort of makes it all worth it.  But, yeah, she really needs to get on our sleep schedule.  I hope that that helps my young fatherhood proteges and maybe the veteran dads would chime in with other helpful tips.  Sleep now or forever hold your peace.  And just remember that no matter how much you suck at the job, you will never be as bad as Tony Dungy and Andy Reid.

68 comments:

Anonymous said...

You could have eliminated the first three paragraphs If you just made her get a C-Section. That's like 15 minutes.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

This is Money Shot gold.

GMoney said...

Drew, you sound like your run of the mill Iceman or Ide! Great impression.

My baby had ripped a fart this morning that was a good three seconds long. Dad was very proud.

Anonymous said...

Do anything to get the baby to sleep. I drove it around, I put it in a laundry basket on top of the dryer when running, I swung it until my arms fell off, anything and everything. Sleep is critical. If the boob isn't working, don't hesitate to go to formula if you have to and the doc says it's ok. Eliminating hunger eliminates one source of crying. Be prepared for the baby to NOT sleep through the night for awhile. Keep an eye on your wife just to make sure she's not going crazy. This is just for crying. As long as you aren't killing the kid, don't worry whether it's in the book or anybody else does it or has ever done it, use whatever works for your situation.

Jeff said...

Unfortunate that your baby looks like you. Less than 2 weeks for me! Got a sweet rocking/gliding chair yesterday. All I need to do now is attach a cup(beer) holder and I'll be set for football and hockey.

Anonymous said...

My sister found that running the vaccuum cleaner helped with the non stop crying during the night. She had many nights of the vaccuum cleaner running all night to combat the crying.

You're talking a big game now about letting her cry it out but I'm guessing you might change your tune after a week or 2 of shitty sleep. Of course this is coming from someone with zero experience in this area.

How long does the wife get for maternity leave? That will be the real test, when you are both working.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Today is the due date... no baby yet. Good post.

Nothing can prep me for no sleep - even everyone saying im not going to get any. I love sleeping.

Seal

GMoney said...

I am always on the lookout for She$'s mental illnesses. I don't want to be married to an insane person. So far she is hanging in there which is odd because she gets about 14 minutes of sleep per day.

I'm actually pretty good at ignoring the screams due to years of experience ignoring the wife. That said, I could totes see myself caving in on that.

She gets 6 weeks. Then it becomes a free for all.

I do have to give her some props though as the missus has let me sleep through the night the past two nights. I don't expect this to last and it has only been 5-6 hours at a time but still.

The best thing about being a parent so far was my sister shipping us two Lou Malnati's deep dish pizzas. That's the going rate apparently. Two ELITE pies per kid.

Seriously, though, this kid looks exactly like me. It is terrifying.

By the way, I mentioned our Whitehouse-born pediatrician the other day and his office is an Iceman/Prime fuckfest as there is superhero shit ALL OVER the place. Then I walked by one room that had a fathead of The Death Star. A Star Wars room? I'M IN. That said, Star Wars doesn't fit in with a superhero theme as a jedi is not a superhero but that will be a discussion in the doc's office for another day. I want that Death Star Fathead, bruh.

Prime99 said...

There does come a point for tough love of letting them cry it out, but not until later. Right now, you are right in that they are either hungry, needs to be changed, or has gas. Sounds like that third one could be a major factor here! Sometimes acid reflux could also be an issue. Get some Gripe Water if you don't have it already. A white noise machine for the baby room is much easier than running a vacuum all night.

Totally agree on having the baby sleep in another room. I've run into people who co-sleep with their kid and that is a habit that stays for YEARS. Do not let them in your room/bed unless there is the most extreme circumstance. Even then- avoid it!

GMoney said...

Prime makes a great point: ignore your baby.

I'll tell you one thing...I've never been happier to be at work/twerk. I'm sure that ma and baby agree.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you should have gotten the c-Section.

6 weeks? Doesn't your baby's momma work for OSU? My friend works for the OSUMC...birfed the kid in May and I'm almost positive got like 3 months.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I don't know and apparently neither do you. She goes back some time in September but if you want me to call her a liar, I will. Maybe your friend used up some vacation on top of the maternity leave? Who gives a fuck is what I'm trying to say.

You idiots are idiots. While neither option sounds appealing, almost all women would prefer to go the natural way as opposed to having their organs moved around. And it is a much longer recovery from that major surgery.

The man has no say in that decision.

Prime99 said...

Drooler's c-section TAEK is the dumbest thing ever written in the comment section of this blog (May the Forcier be with you is still the overall leader.)

T. Iceman said...

Captain America delivered your baby. You're one of us now.

GMoney said...

No, he was not the delivery room doc but he is our doc from here on out. Pretty sure he drives a Millenium Falcon to work everyday.

You forced c-section guys are hilariously inept.

Burke and Nibbles better applaud me on my ELITE Simpsons reference game as of late. I am so mad that my paternity leave didn't coincide with that beginning to end marathon coming on FXX at the end of the month.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Prime! I know two women that recently had their second kids...both natural first time...had to do c sections second time. Both wish they did c sections the first tree time....said it's amazing to avoid the long birfing process and the recovery wasn't bad at all. So, don't act dumb.

G$...through an exchange of texts I got the answer. At OSU you get 6 weeks paid...if you have sick time available. ..you can then take up to six more weeks of sick time. She had six weeks of sick time....so she got 12 full paid weeks.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew - stop talking immediately like you know anything about giving birth. You sound so dumb... your sample size is TWO women and you act like that says it all for every woman out there. Do you think all women want the scar that comes along with the c-section? Do you think all women don't want to experience the process of giving birth? Just stop.

Seal

GMoney said...

HEY THAT'S GREAT.

Anonymous said...

Slow...you've given as many births as as I have so you should stop talking immediately too. LOLZ at women in their 30's giving a Fuck about a scar on a stomach that is covered in public 99% of the time.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Really looking forward to Drooler Vs. Moneyshot Dads today. It's really starting to heat up!

Prime99 said...

Drool, you Neanderthal, it's a MAJOR surgery. They cut through abdominal walls, in addition to the scar, there is internal damage. That said, it is certainly possible to have a c-section go as smoothly as possible, but the point is our job as husbands is to be an advocate for our wives. Not, "this is inconvenient- get a c-section, beeotch!" If a c-section is called for, then one would support their partner through that.

Medically, you get 6 weeks off for regular birth, 8 weeks for a c-section. Is that because a c-section is more hard on a woman's body and a major surgery? Weird.

Anonymous said...

Prime....what's the recovery time for the vagina between those two methods?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Wait, so any woman in their 30's should be perfectly OK with having a scar on their stomach the rest of their lives?

You sir, are a fucking idiot.

Seal

GMoney said...

Not only is it major surgery but your baby mama will be AWAKE for all of that. Sure, she's doped up, but they are moving around her internal organs and ripping out a kid and she is alert the entire time. I'm not interested in that unless it is absolutely necessary.

Prime99 said...

Drooler confirming he is an idiot and doesn't get it.

Cakes said...

Excellent post! I'm now more terrified than I was five minutes ago if that's possible.

Cakes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Slow...sorry your wife is a stripper who will now going to hurt her tips,

G$....you are acting like it's an extremely rare procedure.

Prime....you didn't answer the question. Please refrain from name calling if you can't even answer.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Can we keep the personal attacks towards spouses and/or children out of this? You can make fun of me as much as you want... but my wife doesnt need to be bashed on a blog by some fucking immature piece of shit.

Thanks.

Seal

Anonymous said...

#DumbDrool

T. Iceman said...

Why is Cakes avatar a black and white "Do Not Enter" sign? Probably warning him to stay away from the comments today.

Anonymous said...

When did your wife start reading this blog? Why doesn't she comment?

--Drew

GMoney said...

I'm acting like someone who doesn't want unnecessary surgery.

Cakes said...

Good Luck, Seal! Hope everything goes smooth for you. I'm kind of glad I have this weird support group to fall back on. I don't think anything will be a surprise by the time February arrives.

Drew, I'm your OSU brother for life but being an advocate for C-sections is odd.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Cakes! Will def add whatever I can and give you guys details as G$ did to help however possible.

Hoping she comes ASAP - the wife is beyond ready.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Drool, why do you care so much about other people's child birfing techniques?

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Damman....I merely made a suggestion based on input received from others. But, we have some one baby experts here who only know one way....and one zero baby expert....and due to their expertise in this one way they are acting like a c section is giving water birf with one of those weirdos by their side.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

C-section debates? Thats spicy!

Fyi, my sister in law had one the second time and preferred it. Before the new dad brigade hops on me, chew on this:

Almost every woman wants it the natural way until they've had it the natural way. Squeezing a watermelon out of your snizz is practically a bucket list thing. Would your wife trade 12 hours of intense pain for a surgery with a longer recovery but way better meds? Dunno, ask them if you go for round two. I guaransheed they will take a mich bigger consideration.

And guys, ffs, the few of you who have had one kid can hop up o. Your high horse when it comes to those of us who haven't. I was present for both my nieces births, so its not like im pulling takes out of my ass. GIVE IT A REST.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

#HOTTAEKS > #ASSTAEKS

Anonymous said...

Shocker that Ide thinks he is an expert/knows more than us about something...

Seal

Anonymous said...

At what point did I say I knew anything, Seal? I talked to my sister who has first hand knowledge. In fact, twice as much as your wife.

I love that you fuckheads are shouting from the rooftips how its the woman's choice yet are champing at the bit to shoot down c-section talk like its your fucking call. Sound logic there.

Grats on the kids guys. Let me know what its like to be the first people in civilization to have kids.

Ide

GMoney said...

There is no way that your sister still talks to you. #IdeLie

To you future fathers, make sure that after the birth, you tell your lady that getting kicked in the nuts definitely hurts more than what she just did. I forgot to and truly regret it.

The worst part about today is not getting my afternoon nap which I have been relying on for the past week. I'm running on fumes here. It's a good thing that my productivity always consistently sucks.

Prime99 said...

"You could have eliminated the first three paragraphs If you just made her get a C-Section. That's like 15 minutes.

--Drew"

Does that sound like the first comment of the day is advocating woman's choice? A mere suggestion, eh? Good call, Aguato!

I'm NOT saying a C-Section isn't a good option in some scenarios. I'm downing on the "make her get major surgery to save the vagina" attitude because is the most idiotic argument ever made here.

Anonymous said...

You said you were smarter than us in the same line that I said my wife reads this blog... I was being an asshole and assuming just like Drew does on here all day long.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Lots of TRUTH BOMBS in Ide's last post.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Prime.....LOLZ! You're like the fucking Pregnancy Whispered. Ever think of a side gig as a lamaze instructor? During breaks you can advise everyone there on your vast experience....even though a good portion will have had multiple kids.

--Drew

GMoney said...

With as much as everything costs for a kid, you could rack up a fortune being a Pregnancy Whisperer.

Seal is the stripper in the family. I am very much looking forward to your Baby Seal and will try really hard not to make any "clubbing" references. Try...no promises. But I will promise to never hit baby seal in the head with a big piece of wood.

Prime99 said...

Sure, Troller. And then you can start your own medical blog about the easy, zero risk nature of c-sections. So easy that all women should be made to do it. Save the vaginas and be done in time to watch the Tigers game! I'm sure it will be great.

Anonymous said...

Break it down in terms that Drew and IDE will understand:

Would you rather Jerk it the natural way and blew your load when the time comes

OR

Have a doctor shove his finger deep inside your asshole so that he can milk your prostate...

Maybe we don't want o know the answer to that...

Anonymous said...

Prime...the FACT is that there are many women that have had both ways and prefer the c section. I would LOVE for you....the person that has never personally gone through either....tell these women that their opinion is the most idiotic thing you've ever heard. Please make this happen.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The jerking off analogy is terrible anon.

--Drew

GMoney said...

What the fuck kind of analogy was that? Jesus...there is no way that anyone claims that one.

It's safety vs. mild convenience. That is pretty much the point. Human biology has always been to pump out kids naturally. The c-section is an alternative if complications arise or your lady is lazy (j/k). End of debate.

Prime99 said...

Which is funny that you twisted it around for ME to be telling THEM what to do. Reference your first comment of the day, again. You said "make her get a c-section."

My stance, to recap:

- c-sections are major surgery.
- the woman decides her own birth plan, however deciding to get a c-section is not a light decision. It should be taken seriously.
- since men do none of the bodily work with a pregnancy, we have to be advocates for our baby mamas. Whatever form that takes, our supportive energy is appreciated and helps the process.
- Troller is dumb.

Anonymous said...

You forgot that choosing c section would be the most idiotic thing ever....even though plenty seem to prefer it.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Nope. YOUR take of "you should have made her" get a c-section is the most idiotic thing ever. Not the act of choosing to get one. GIVE IT A REST.

Anonymous said...

Your hatred of c-sections is getting you pretty agitated with the internet. You might need a nap to calm down a tad.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

You're all faggots.

GMoney said...

Great point. Until your wife gives birf to a pitbull, Ape does not care.

Cakes said...

When I woke up today, the last thing I thought IDE be doing is watching a back and forth bewtween bros about C Sections. It's fascinating.

I'm all for whatever birthing option makes my life easier... I mean my wife's life easier.

I haven't seen Prime this fired up since his bashing of Led Zeppelin (which I still wholeheartedly disagree with).

Michael Sam said...

Is the whole milking the prostate thing still on the table?

T. Iceman said...

What a great day. At the root of this it's just grown men arguing about child birth. Even a Mike Sam butt joke shoehorned in! Keep it up fellas.

GMoney said...

I agree, Iceman. This reminds me of those moron Indian fans (aren't they all?) in Major League who sit in the bleachers arguing about "too high". Who gives a shit? It's gone/a kid.

Nibbles said...

As long as your own wife does what you want her to, why does what anybody else's wife's body scars matter to you?

GMoney said...

Pfffft that sounds like the opinion of a man whose wife does not take her clothes off for money.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit, birfing got a lot of comments today!
-It is hilarious that the non-parents are even arguing about all this
-GMoney, try a bassinet in your room and then transition to the crib once she is a little older. we did this for our third and it was a LOT better. also easier on the wife for nursing
-My sister just had a c-section for her second (first was natural) and she will disagree with all you pro-knife advocates
-the mother can take up to 12 weeks and her job is protected by FMLA. the first 6 weeks are paid, but the second 6 are on you
-some of the comments today were very LOL, especially the ones from those who have no birfing/baby experience

-OH Nate

Anonymous said...

OH Nate. ....good work on bringing your sister's opinion to this and it does show that not everyone that has had both prefers c-Section. But, the LOLZ is on you for for LOLing at the opinions on that...when people used SOURCES....just like you did with your sister. Same thing BRAH.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Anyone interested to hear about my sources?

-Chris Broussard

GMoney said...

Great day, everyone. We've got an open forum tomorrow (no food, sorry).