Monday, August 11, 2014

The Golden Age For Shitbag Losers

American Hero and apparent Renegade
If there is one thing that I love doing around here, it is spending other people's money.  You could also throw in "telling people what they should do even if I don't know what I'm talking about" and "playing fantasy GM", too.  If you had not yet noticed, there has been a recent uptick in "turds winning big" on the professional sports landscape.  In the past few years, we have seen:

*The Boston Red Sox go from worst to first to worst again...but still, FIRST!
*Pete Carroll won a Super Bowl
*A guy named Jimbo beat a guy named Gus for a trophy that wasn't related to fishing
*Shabazz Napier cut down the nets despite living in extreme poverty and not being able to afford a can of pork and beans
*Jeff Carter won again...this time over Rick Nash (ugh)
*Speaking of which, the Blue Jackets have gone from "forever doormat" to legitimate Eastern Conference contender
*The 2014 Miami RedHawks Football Team will win the first ever playoff five months from now

What I'm saying here is that the notion of the dynasty in sports is dying if it isn't already dead and the sports curses are slowly ending.  From what everyone keeps saying, it is only a matter of time before the Cavs end the Cleveland drought after having one of the most insane summers in the history of all sports.  Hell, none of us would be all that shocked if it happened next June.  That team is fucking loaded.  But if you want to talk about this being The Golden Age of Shitbag Losers, the cheese still stands alone.  There are many imitators but no one challenges the King of the Shitbag Losers AKA The Chicago Cubs.

It's been a rock solid 106 years since the Cubs last title.  To put that into perspective, Grumpy was a high school sophomore at that point trying to hide his boner in the waistband of his burlap trousers.  The Cubs are a joke.  We know this.  But have you seen recent prospect, Javier Baez, since he was called up last week?  Holy shit!  That kid can rake!  Between Not Danys Baez and Anthony Rizzo and powerful 3B prospect Kris Bryant and Addison Russell and Cuban defective OF Jorge Soler all possibly being in the bigs on Opening Day next season, uh, the Cubbies are all of a sudden going to be a ton of fucking fun to watch and aren't all that far off from competing again.  I'm serious.

Morons like The Torg think that Theo Epstein is OVERRATED and is doing a horseshit job building the organization and, as usual, the guy that shaved a block O in his chest hair last week is an idiot.  Theo is KILLING it.  Those position prospects are incredible.  But now it is time for me to turn them from young, dumb, and full of cum to a contender in one offseason.  Here are my three steps for this sleeping giant big market club to swing their dick and start scaring fuckers again.

1. Trade Starlin Castro and maybe a couple mid-prospects for Cole Hamels - It almost makes too much sense and the Phillies have to completely gut that franchise and start over.  Why they didn't do that two weeks ago, I will never understand.  The Yankees called them about Marlon Byrd who is about as meh as it gets.  They wanted our best pitching prospect and a top 5 hitting prospect.  LOL!  Castro would be a nice start for Philly as Jimmy Rollins is not part of their future.  With Baez and Russell, Castro isn't necessary anymore and there is no place for him.

2. Sign David Robertson - He's going to leave the Yankees this Winter.  I have never been more sure about this.  It may cost 30-40 million dollars but if you can be awesome in New York then you can be awesome anywhere.  D-Rob has filled Mariano's shoes admirably.

3. Sign Jon Lester - I have to assume that he is dogs with Theo still and I don't buy for one second that he is automatically going back to Boston.  Fuck that, they treated him like shit.  He would look like a total turd if he went crawling back to them.  Give him 5 years/125 million and then you go to war in the NL Central with Lester/Hamels/Arrieta.  That is legit as fuck.

You're more than welcome to talk about whatever else you want to today (Yanks/Tribe, Johnny Football, and/or Tony Stewart running over an asshole on his way to Ponderosa come to mind) but I wanted to show some love for the biggest Shitbag Loser today.  I feel like Theo has been biding his time long enough and now that the seeds are starting to bear fruit, it is time to strike.  The money is there.  The future is there.  It is time for the Cubbies to add some big time "present" to that mix as well.  All you have to do is look at the aforementioned Red Sox or Cavs to see that everything can change instantly with big, smart, and savvy moves that help the club today and tomorrow.  Or we can just sit back and see how the Cubs will blow it next.  That is also a lot of fun.  Either way, for the first time in a decade, I think it's an exciting time to be a Cubs fan.  Old Style on me!


Anonymous said...

Saw the title of this post and thought it would be about Slow, Cakes and Damman watching Jenny Football exhibition games.


Anonymous said...

Not that the royals will ever win it but how about them tigers choking it hard lately. Trade for Price and not make the playoffs would be great.

Prospects are exactly that, prospects. You don't know how good these players will be until they get to the majors. I just hope they get the cubs near the top and then fail them miserably. It wil be fun to watch them all come back out of the woodwork.

G$ why don't you tweet those thoughts to Epstein. I'm sure Theo would appreciate help from a man of your intelligence.


Anonymous said...

I went to the Yanks/Tribe game yesterday. First time in the new Yankee Stadium, and it was pretty tits. Holy fuck, did I get tired of Jeter. Dude went 0-4 and had a bigger reaction than the HR in the 9th. When he turned a double play, he got a standing ovation. Every trivia question on the jumbotron? You guessed it, Jeter was the answer. There was also an equal number of Yankees gift stands and Jeter gift stands. RE2PECT.

Fun fact that will only interest G$. When they built Yankee stadium and made Monument Park, they had to install a special door called "Mariano's Door", because his pregame tradition would be to touch all the monuments. He used to walk through the tunnel to do it, but that put him in contact with whichever fans were in that hallway.

Great golf last night btw. Phil missing that hole out and narrowly missing that chip on 18 was shitty, but one of the best final rounds of golf I have seen in a long time.

I could care less about the Cubs.


GMoney said...

I agree that prospects are almost always OVERRATED but this Baez kid is legit as fuck. Rizzo is a masher and the Bryant sonofabitch has about 4000 dongs in AAA this year. I don't know shit about Addison Russell other than he has a girl's name but that sounds like a decent start to me.

They have nothing coming up with arms (highly unconfirmed) which is why I think if you trade for Hamels and sign Lester and Robinson, you are a lot closer than you think.

What I'm saying is if I could have the Cubs position players and the Mets pitchers for the next five seasons, we would win a fuck-ton of games.

It was a pretty sad performance this weekend by the Yankees. It was probably expected though. The guys were depressed that they no longer got to destroy all of that Tigers pitching. Count it.

Ide is wearing his free Yankees cowboy hat to work today. He is the naked cowboy FYI.

Fuck golf. How dare you make Big Broseph wait until 10!

Anonymous said...

Total domination in the Bronx yesterday and Saturday. A small victory in a season of mediocrity for the Tribe.

Johnny looked ok I thought. Not great but not terrible. But it sounds more and more like he'll be the starter Week 1. I'll pencil Iceman in for wearing his Big Ben jersey that day.

How about that Tigers bullpen? Woof. It's so fun to watch the nightly dumpster fire that starts around the 7th inning with this group. Seeing them miss the playoffs would be perfect.


GMoney said...

I'm not talking to you (even though you were over at the mansion yesterday) for stealing Javier Baez off the waiver wire from me about an hour before I was going to do the same thing. GSaul did it earlier with George Springer. I am not saved by the bell this year.

It's not going to happen but man would it be ELITE if the Tigers missed the playoffs.

Prime99 said...

ELITE post! I have heard points 1 and 3 mentioned recently and loved them as moves. Hadn't thought about Robertson but that makes sense. They should draft a pitcher in the draft this year as well to supplement the rotation in a few years.

I agree completely that it is time for Theo to start showing off what he's been working on. It should be fucking fun.

Anonymous said...

I got to the game 45 minutes early and still missed the hats by about 30 minutes. Those things were fairly ELITE, except I wasn't very impressed with the MASSIVE Pepsi logo emblazoned on the back. Pepsi is white trash.


Prime99 said...

I went to Reno for my annual live draft. I had pick 6 and got Marshawn, Doug Martin, Aaron Rodgers, Alshon and Welker with the first 5 picks. May try to package Martin to upgrade at WR, but overall I'm good with my team. I fucking love at fantasy football is back!

GMoney said...

Prime, if I'm buying up loser futures stock, after I buy up a ton on the Cavs, I'm looking at the Clark's Cubs next. I mean, they are definitely going to fuck this up somehow, but that lineup looks awfully familiar to those mid 90's Indians times with Thome, Manny, and Joey Belle etc. Hopefully the Cubs don't fail as miserably but trading for Hamels and signing Lester would be eerily similar to them getting Hershiser and El Presidente back in the day.

ELITE analogy game today, bruh.

Prime, we all know that you are a closet Packers fan. Just admit it.

One week away from Johnny Manziel dying on the FedEx Field horrible turf. Gruden will jump from the booth to save him. It will be pointless. Johnny will choke to death on Ryan Kerrigan's grit sandwiches.

Prime99 said...

I didn't want Rodgers but he was great value in the 3rd. I'm thinking I could've gone AJ Green instead of Martin in the 2nd, but what's done is done. If Martin bounces back it'll work.

Jeff said...

Sox did Lester a favor by sending him to a contender. They'll resign him in the offseason along with Giancarlo. And have gotten Yoenis for free in the end. Worst, first, worst, First!

GMoney said...

If Lester is a total bitch, then he will go back. Any sort of MAN would tell them to fuck off.

T. Iceman said...

"All you have to do is look at the aforementioned Red Sox or Cavs to see that everything can change instantly with big, smart, and savvy moves that help the club today and tomorrow."

You act like the Cavs have won something.

Like I told Big Rex on Twitter...I liked what I saw from Manziel Saturday. He played well but I'm not losing my shit because it was against guys who are fighting for roster spots, not starting spots. But I was encouraged by the fact that he didn't look lost out there. I wanna see if he plays that well against a starting defense. I kinda feel bad for Hoyer. He didn't play terrible and led a couple scoring drives with no turnovers. It's the first preseason games so there's gonna be rust and some receivers dropped some balls. I just feel that he's got no shot at starting no matter what he does.

GMoney said...

They won the best roster in the league. Nothing else. But things have changed, no?

One thing is certain about the Browns offense...Kyle Shanahan fucking sucks. Nice field goals, walking penis.

Anonymous said...

I'm just happy that the Great Lakes Classic trophy is residing in Detroit for at least another year.


T. Iceman said...

Things have changed. Correct. But you can't exactly mention them in the same sentence as teams who have turned it around and have titles to show for it. The Cavs a roster is a lot better but that doesn't guarantee them a title. They could end up being the Buffalo Bills of the NBA.

Nice to see Drew getting pumped about preseason Super Bowl trophies.

Cakes said...

Manziel had a pretty good first game. Sure, he was playing againt 2nd/3rd stringers but he was also throwing to and being protected by 2nd/3rd stringers. The guy is really quick and he's got a great arm. I'm pretty excited. I didn't think there was any way he started the year under center but now I'm not so sure. This Monday night when he plays with the one's is going to be the deciding factor.

Glad that the Tribe is back at .500 but it's getting a little late in the year to be happy with that. Unless this team can go on an 8/10 streak really soon, they are going to run out of time. I'm not sure they have that magic spark that was present last season.

Anonymous said...'ve seen that trophy, right?!?! How can you NOT be excited to possess that for a year? It's beautiful.


Cakes said...

The Barge trophy is magnificent! Who wouldn't want that in their trophy case?

I vaguely remember having a drunk Twitter war after the Browns game with Drew. I'm sure it was awesome. I had my pregnant wife drive my drunk ass around all afternoon and evening. I knew we could find a good use for pregnant wives!

Can we ever talk about "The Leftovers" or do not enough people watch it? I find it to be one of the most depressing shows on TV yet I'm TOTES obsessed with it.

GMoney said...

Which is why I haven't guaranteed anything. Just that I expect them to win a title. Also, Vegas has them as the clear favorite to win it all next year.
(looks at everyone else commenting)
Jesus, what the fuck is with this this guy?

Aaaaaaaaand that is why Cakes is the absolute dumbest. He didn't think that there was any chance in Hell that Johnny Football could supplant Brian goddamn Hoyer as the starting QB even though everyone else saw this coming two seconds after he was drafted.

Great Lakes Classic trophy > American League Championship rings

GMoney said...

Last night's episode was shit. Stop with the dream sequences and delusions and just tell the fucking story, asshole from Lost.

Nora Durst can get it though.

Cakes said...

Nora Durst is one of those chicks that looks kind of plain but I still find myself really wanting her. I was glad she had no reservations about filming a sex scene with here titties all over the place.

I tend to agree with you about all of the dream sequences. It's hard to know what is real and what isn't.

Why isn't anyone concerned with the killer dog that is tied up in the back yard? I would probably want to know more about where that beast came from.

Did Aimee fuck the shit out of the sheriff or what?

Jill still sucks.

T. Iceman said...

"Which is why I haven't guaranteed anything."

Could have fooled me because it sure as shit feels that way.

You're throwing the Cavs in with teams that have actually won titles recently as examples of garbage teams turning things around...implying that this upcoming season is nearly a formality and they might as well just ship the O'Brien trophy to Cleveland next week. Why don't we hold off on comparing what the Cavs did to their roster to what other championship teams did until Cleveland actually wins something? Pump the brakes. That's all I'm saying.

GMoney said...

No. I'm throwing the Cavs into the "Shitbag Loser" file along with the Boston Red Sox, Urban Meyer, and Chicago Cubs.

I am going to misquote Matt Williams here but the moment that you think you know what I'm thinking, Ide is already raping your brothers. I have been careful with my words on purpose.

As the post clearly states, this is a Golden Age for Shitbag Losers and the Cavs appear to be the next in line to unsoil themselves. I think that the Cubs could be on that same path should they be aggressive this coming Winter.

Prime99 said...

G$'s comment at KSK on Marshawn was LOLZ! Well done, sir!