Thursday, August 07, 2014

Open Forum: Terrible Roommates

Mr. Ace is still on sabbatical which means that he is laying in his hammock instead of pumping out more pompous posts here.  He promises to be back soon.  So here I am having to come up with four posts this week and with Fantasy Football Friday debuting TOMORROW, the only thing I can come up with is this...an open forum on terrible roommates.

I have two weird guys that I have lived with in my days (both from college) and they are about the most different people ever.  Here we go:

1. Mick The Irish Extremist - When I went off to BRAH University, I was the only guy from my school to go there so I was going to be paired up with a complete stranger.  There were two NHS girls that came down to Oxford with me and, ironically, both of them ended up being bridesmaids in my wedding.  Anyway, I got my roommate assignment and we spending my freshman year with a young scamp from St. Louis with the same first name as me.  I moved in first and he came in a few hours later.  To avoid any confusion, he had everyone call him Mick.  The only thing he put up on the walls on his side of the room was a crucifix and a gigantic Irish flag.  We had almost nothing in common but that was OK because we generally liked each other and had very little beef.  But man was he weird.  He used to play a game called "hurley" or something like that in this big open field by himself.  It was...odd.  Every morning he would fire up his computer and check the Dublin, Ireland newscast on his computer.  It was not rare for him to curse the British.  He wanted them the fuck OUT of Ireland.  I used to look at him while he was going on his anti-England rants as though this is probably what the Germans saw when Hitler was going off in the beer halls.  It was a great day when move out happened and I don't think that I ever saw him again.  I heard that he was the President of the MU Irish-American Club at some point but I have no doubt that he participated in terrorist activities.  I can't stress this enough: I am nearly 100% that my freshman roommate was/is a terrorist.

2. Andy "The Rock" - After that freshman year, we had a group of 11 guys that were going to move out to the same apartment complex.  The problem is that we needed 12 to make it work.  Enter "The Rock" who was nicknamed that not because of Dwayne Johnson but because he was "dumb as a".  He knew this and it didn't bother him.  No one really liked him because he was a Grade A Moron but he fit the criteria that we needed: someone to pay rent.  The Rock had a late 90's model white Saturn sedan that he treated like a goddamn Ferrari.  He washed that thing all the time.  It had leather seats.  It was ridiculous.

The only good features of The Rock were his love of White Castle (and bringing some home for his roommates whenever he went on a run which was nice) and, being from Maryland, he LOVED the Redskins.  I mean, he was actually IN LOVE with the Redskins.  We would watch games and he would stand no more than 2 feet away from the TV screaming every other play.  It's probably how Cakes watches the Tribe.  The day that we signed a broken down Deion Sanders might have been the best day of his life.  I got home from class and he almost fucked me.  I should have known right then and there that that signing was the drizzling shits.  I never saw The Rock after that second year of college but I like to think that he is somewhere right now defending the Redskins name.  To be fair, he was a really nice guy but a total fucking idiot.  He used watch movies starring DMX.  That says it all.

3. She$ - Whoops, how did that get in here?  Poor lady once lived with Dut. I could probably throw in COMEERGRRRRL on this list due to the night crying but I'll be nice and omit her from consideration.

Let's have a good time reminiscing about awful roommates today.  If there aren't numerous references to I SAID I BE LIKE LONG...dong today then I will eat my hat.  And get ready for the Friday August onslaught of FFF tomorrow.  It's going to be huge.  Prepare yourselves to laugh at Iceman's idiocy!!!

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

I roomed blind my Freshmen year and lived in a room with three others. Two of them I'm still friends with til' this die. But, the third........was a midget. He wasn't like a dwarf midget..but, he was under 4'10'' and walked with a weird limp. He was a TERRIBLE roommate. Our hatred grew for him strong. He was also obsessed with World of Warcraft which I had never even heard of before. He actually designed a computer program to play the game for him while he was attending classes.....which he rarely did because he didn't want to walk away from the WarCraft. I would routinely mess with his computer while he was gone to have him die...the other three of us woudl talk on instant messenger to each other while he was in the room to organize meals....I poured a ton of salt into his keyboard one night while real drunk. I hate the midget.

--Drew

GMoney said...

ELITE story of you fucking with Willow. I knew a guy like that in high school...Vajen Box. About three foot tall, gigantic head, and easily the biggest doormat that I've ever met. One time I (or it might have been Lacy...not Eddie...you know what, let's say it was Eddie Lacy) lit a packet of black cats and threw them in the back seat of his car. He didn't say a word. Good guy.

Anonymous said...

My freshmen year at UD I had luxury of having one of 2 suites in our dorm. One roommate was a rich kid from Gross Pointe (suburb of Detroit) and the other was from Jersey. The Jersey guy wore black all the time and listened to death metal. These two were quit the pair, as they decided to smoke and snort every drug they could get their hands on. Many nights I would come home drunk to a "party" in my room of all these hippy girls and guys fucked beyond belief on whatevery they decided to experiment with for the night. The best night was when they had a party, got busted by the RA, and Jersey threw me under bus and told the RA it was my beer in the fridge. Jersey people suck ass..

-OH Nate

GMoney said...

Ha! Jersey people are the worst. No wonder that's where Ide lives.

Nibbles said...

Is Vajen Box the same Vajen that fought Baby Buke?

Prime99 said...

I knew my freshman college roommate from high school, which I thought would be good. As the year went on he would act like more and more of an asshole. I had people come up to me an ask why he did various weird things at parties (most starting arguments, one led to a fight.) The end came when he told my then-girlfriend he wanted to "fuck the hell out of her" while drunk at a party. I stupidly had his back up until that point. Weird dude. There were other things that he did before that which were red flags but as you can tell be the abridged version, we aren't in touch any more.

I had a post-college roommate that was a hardcore alcoholic. I'd wake up early to get ready for work and he would be popping open Bud Lights in his room and playing Playstation 2. My other roommate in the house collected the BL cans and would get $ for them every few months. It would go toward the electric bill, so that was cool.

GMoney said...

That is the same person, Nibbs! Hell of a pugilist!

T. Iceman said...

I've got bad roommate stories for days but I won't Ide you with a 4,000 word comment about all of them. Honorable mentions:

Lived with a guy who never flushed his piss to save money on the water bill. And when I say never I mean never.

Lived with a guy who refused to do dishes even when he dirtied them. At one point I walked in on him eating dinner off a cookie sheet because every last plate was dirty. And he was also too cheap to buy paper plates.

Lived with a guy who never bought groceries. He would just ask everyone for their leftovers. Like a god damn bum. One morning he ate two pieces of pizza that had been sitting out all night that also had cigarette ash in the box. Didn't even flinch.

But the worst I can remember is a guy named Slim. Which is ironic because he's really fat. He lived with me for something like 6 months but it felt like 6 years. He didn't pay a single dollar in rent (found out that beauty about 3 days before we moved out via landlord phone call), I had to hunt him down like it was the fucking Hunger Games when it was time to pay any bill, he ate my food (never paid me for it), and he smelled like someone dumped Chinese food on the bottom of a bird cage. He moved out a few weeks before our lease was up (without telling us he owed 6 months rent) and on the day we left, his room still smelled like a morgue. I doubt they ever got the smell out. He was also a loud, obnoxious drunk who liked to start fights...which wouldn't have been a problem if he wasn't drunk 80% of the time.

T. Iceman said...

I ran I to Vajen randomly at this bar in Toledo last year. He couldn't stand. He's got a kid now according to Facebook.

The only thing I remember about him in high school, other than being weird looking, is he loved to gamble. I watched Burke clean him out at McClimans house one night playing this game called Man or Mouse.

GMoney said...

Man or Mouse is a shitty game. I hate it so much.

Chinese food in a birdcage...trying to wrap my head around what that might smell like.

Grumpy said...

Although two friends from high school went to Miami at the same time, I went blind on a roommate. Mike from Cleveland was in pre-med and obsessed with studying, to the exclusion of everything else, including personal hygiene. I'd come in late and he would be asleep and the room reeked of body odor.

I would sometimes sleep on the floor of the guys next door. Eventually, they talked me into an intervention. The three of us sat him down and told him the problem and he was totally unaware. Things improved for awhile and then he started to backslide. Never even saw him on campus after that year, but university publications show he has donated well into the six figures to the university.

GMoney said...

Welp, time to go win a title. The 5 year window starts now.

Wiggins/Bennett/1st for Kevin Love who is apparently going to sign a MONSTER 5 year/120 million extension with Believeland. That cap better be going way up as expected.

GMoney said...

Go fuck yourself, Iceman. Let's get Shawn Marion to sign for cheap and play some perimeter defense and we'll be all set to be ELITE.

GMoney said...

Great day for Greg Oden (and that Ohio t-shirt) by the way. Must have knocked a bitch out with his dong. He should blame Damman for buying him a shot a couple years ago.

Anonymous said...

Grump sleeping with guys in college? #notsurprised

Anonymous said...

My old roommate, Adam, ran I to oden at the Library bar after an osu game. They also took shots together. Adam looked at the ground once and Oden said "quit looking at my dick!" Oden probably wasn't kidding.

Dut

Anonymous said...

I actually only had one bad roommate. He was a good shit on paper, hung around a bunch of hot girls, and his parents were executives of Wake Forest, though it was mildly surprising that he didn't go there for basically free.

Turns out this guy was a raging cokehead. He never once asked me to do it, but Christ, this guy was getting after it almost every night. Oversleeping for his 6:30 PM classes and what not. It was insane. One night, I am doing a paper on my computer in my room, and he rolls in with 2 HORRENDOUS skanks and a plate full of blow and posts up on my bed.

Later he OD's in his room. So, I go in and carry him to my car and drop him off on his parents door steps...still catatonic. They sent him to rehab and payed the remaining 8 months of our lease. It was great.

I also had one roommate who never flushed his piss. One of the few vegetables I eat a lot of is asparagus. I played his game, and won.

Ide

Ide's Former Roommate said...

None of that ever happened.

Jeff said...

"Fuck the her out of her" LOLS.

At was a loner at Clemson so I had a rando roommate my freshman year and he was a weirdo. He went to tons of bible studies and never did anything outside of that. I'll give him some props though because when I brought a girl back he would leave. Don't know where he would go but who cares.

GMoney said...

Ide's Former Roommate makes a great point.

Anonymous said...

Craft signed with the Golden State Warriors today. Remember when someone here said that would never happen?

Ide

GMoney said...

He's got a long way to go before seeing any burn but you would not be referring to me. I believe that my quote was something like "he isn't that much worse than Eric Snow".

Prime99 said...

Jeff, did your roommate leave so you could fuck the hell out of Jeff Bostic's daughter?

Craft seems like a solid consolation prize in the Love sweepstakes.

Anonymous said...

My freshman roommate was high 90 straight days. I thnk his first semester grade point was below a 1. I also caught him spanking his monkey one time and immediately closed the door and left for quite awhile. I had people from other houses close to ours steal my food and my Copenhagen. I also had coke heads and one got busted for dealing after I left but rolled on his supplier so didn't get in trouble I think. I had football players across from me and they were insane. They put a mouse in the salad bar once and one if them went to dinner with a dead bird tied around his neck like a necklace. Good times.

T. Iceman said...

Let's just wait and see if Craft sees a single NBA minute before we start puffing our chests.

Ide's former roommate making a push for COY.

Guess there's nothing left to do than violently cheer against the Cavs.

GMoney said...

So...the usual?

Have fun at Harry Potter World, grown man. You are the biggest dork ever.

T. Iceman said...

It's the Wheelz anniversary present. If you ask me I got off easy.

GMoney said...

Get me a wand and not the four that are currently lodged in your anus. Make sure you are rested and ready to lose all fantasy football arguments tomorrow.

T. Iceman said...

CJ Spiller better be in your top 5 running backs.

GMoney said...

Just another one of those legendary Rick Porcello/Shane Greene pitcher's duels that your grandpappy was always talking about!

Jeff said...

Haha Bostic wasn't until my later years.

Anonymous said...

Craft just signed a training camp contract with a very small guarantee. He's not really on the team yet.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Seriously, bruh, when did Shane Greene become ELITE???

GMoney said...

Jesus Christ, Unfrozen Caveman Manager, why did you send Shane-o Greene out there for the complete game shutout. First of all, LOL at that possibility. Secondly, you have an ELITE bullpen. Use it. Did you see what Betances did to Miggy the other night? It was incredible. You're pushing your luck, little man.

GMoney said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Tigers...way to score negative runs in four games against the scrap heap.