Thursday, August 21, 2014

Open Forum: Sleep

Calling you out, bruh!  Sue me, too, chubs!
Ahhhh, yes, sleep.  There isn't much better than a good, long sleep.  I wouldn't know anything about this anymore but I do remember how great they are.  Once I decided to have a kid and thus become one of America's most eligible DILFs, peaceful slumbers were the trade off.  As many of us here are new parents, we know about this all too well.  They try to warn you about how much of your precious sleep will be sacrificed to your kid's eccentricities, but it is still a shock at how much you lose and even the amount that you get is shitty rest as you just wait for the next scream.

Coming on the heels of Drew's weird guest post where he asked for wet dream stories, I thought that we could talk about sleeping today.  Oh how I long for those college days where I stayed up until 2 am every night and got up at 10 am.  Now I can't even remember the last time that I wasn't up by 7:30.  Let's do this categorically and I will share my routine pre-kid:

TIMING - I have the pleasure of being a night owl and sort of a morning person.  I hardly ever go to bed before midnight but have no issue getting up in the morning either.  I must be one of those really successful business types that Colin T is always yammering on and on about.  However, if you asked me to get up at 5:30 everyday, I would straight murder you.  I'm not getting up before sunrise, bruh, so maybe I am more of a night owl.  It's still dark outside.  Stay in the sack.

DRESS - I've never understood people that wear socks or those big pajamas to bed.  Don't you get hot?  I would much rather be cold and curl up in the blankets than sweat through the sheets.  I'm a simple bro.  I rock a pair of probably-too-short basketball shorts that keeps the junk barely covered while rolling shirtless guy.  It works for me.  Those shorts would make most people vomit and the missus has asked me to throw out my "short shorts" numerous times over the years.  I will not though.  They are literally a part of me.  I can't stress this enough: they are WAY too short.  They are a few millimeters away from being booty shorts.  I'm pretty much the Nicki Minaj of my neighborhood.

STYLE - I've tried to sleep on my back but I can't.  I always start on my left side facing the window and wake up on my washboard abs.  They say that sleeping on your six pack leads to back problems so, yeah, I'm going to have back problems some day.  I also have different covers coverage depending on the season.  In the winter, I get nestled in from the start because OBVZ it's cold.  But now, hell, I haven't slept under the covers for over two months.  I sleep on top of the comforter with no blankets at all.  That probably sounds weird but geniuses such as myself tend to be a little out there.  She$ bought this body pillow to help her feel better during pregnancy.  Now it acts as a buffer zone between us.  I like it.  One day I may make it an honest body pillow.

NOISE - I need some sort of noise to fall asleep.  I can't handle dead silence.  I turn the ceiling fan on every night.  The wife hates it.  Fuck her.  We have this white noise machine for the baby and it is right next to the monitor.  I swear that that thing puts me out in seconds while the baby screams and the wife has to DEAL WITH IT.  White noise is ELITE.

BREAKS - Once I'm out, I am usually knocked the fuck out.  I might be one of the deepest sleepers in the world.  Who knows how many times I've been raped after I've fallen asleep.  My guess is "hundreds of times".  She$ is always asking me in the morning "did you hear the storm/nuclear bomb/sirens or whatever last night"?  My answer is always no.  I don't wake up for anything.  Thank God I have a decent bladder.  I couldn't imagine having to get up in the middle of the night to piss.  Being a zombie plus my terrible vision would lead to many sink/shower urinations just based on confusion alone.

NAPS - Big fan.  A good nap is always welcomed.  But I'm sort of weird about it.  If it's after 4 pm, I don't allow myself the pleasantry.  I guess I figure that bedtime is approaching and I missed my window.  How great would it be if naps had no effect on falling asleep at night?  That would be a game changer.

ALARM - I used to have John Tesh's Roundball Rock (the NBA on NBC theme) wake me up every morning.  It was a fine way to start the day.  Now I use a combo of The Iron Shiek's alarm clock app and my Sonic Boom alarm.  It doesn't get much better than Shiekie screaming "YOU WANT TO BE LEGEND LIKE ME? WAKE THE FUCK UP" at 7 am every day.  The Sonic Boom is almost a guaranteed heart attack.  It is so fucking loud.  I'd bet that my neighbors can hear it.

To be fair to the wife, she does let me sleep through the night other than if or when the dog wants to go out (always at 2:30 for some odd reason).  The baby is starting to get into a bit of a sleeping groove.  But that will change once she gets better at pumping and I can help with the nighttime feedings.  Not looking forward to that at all.  I don't want to help.  So for the time being, I will enjoy my mostly uninterrupted sleep sessions because they will be coming to a close soon.  Let's strap on our sleep apnea masks today and talk about America's actual favorite pastime: sleeping!


Anonymous said...

I sleep like a rock. Target bedtime for me is 10-11 with my alarm off at 5 am. I put my phone across my room so I have to get up to get it.

Not much of a tosser and turner. Fun fact: when I was a baby, I never cried much at night, and often slept 8-9 hours straight without moving. This caused my parents great anxiety because they constantly thought I was dead.

I used to nap a lot and loved it. I still catch one on the weekends, but since my day starts so early, I just tough it out now. That sucks.


Grumpy said...

I sleep nude. I want all of you to try to get that picture out of your heads.

Anonymous said...

10:30 to 6 would sleep longer if I could.
Shorts and shirt.
Minimal covers
Start on back but usually switch to side at some point
Total darkness and total silence is best. If I could sleep I. A tank and not turn into an animal I would.
15 minute naps are great but have to be before late afternoon.
Whenyou get older you will have to pee so you should start mapping out a plan or get used to wearing depends to bed.

Jeff said...

Sleep, oh how I've missed you. Child birf and newborns take it outta ya. When I did sleep, I also slept like a rock. Went to bed between 11:30 and 12, up around 6:30-7. I'm a back sleeper and wear short and sometimes a T.

Anonymous said...

I can still sleep in with the best of them. 10 am is easily attainable for me.

Alwasy end up on my stomach as well.

Have to be covered up no matter what season. Sleeping with no covers is beyond bizarre.

I am becoming a snorer. I wake myself up occasionally. That's always a weird feeling.


GMoney said...

Snoring is definitely an interesting practice. Catching yourself doing it is always weird. Like, no one ever wants to admit that they snore but so the fuck what if you do. I do when I'm drunk and during peak allergy season when I can go weeks without being able to breathe through my nose. I DEAL WITH IT.

Had Ide been a dead baby then the concept of dead baby jokes would have been revolutionized. I feel like we missed a huge opportunity there.

God damn you, Grump. Damn you to Hell.

Mr. Ace said...

Your wife must sit awake at night and want to cut your dick off.

Timing. Between 10-11. I'm usually in my bed before 1030, then fuck around on my phone for a good 20 mins and then go to sleep. My alarm is set for 615, but I always hit the snooze once.

Dress. Boxers. Occasionally bball shorts. But never both. Bedtime is a time for dong freedom.

Style. Lately I have been sleeping flat on back with a pillow on my chest and not using one to lay my head on. This helps me stay on my back and not toss and turn. I NEVER sleep with anything other than a comforter. No sheet, no additional fleece blanket, just the comforter.

Noise. From 3rd grade through high school I slept with a fan blowing directly towards my face. Now I sleep with a ceiling fan, a window fan and an air purifier. I need that noise. I also have an app on my phone for sleep sounds. Falling asleep to the ocean is the way to go.

Breaks.I almost always wake up once a night. Take a piss, let the dogs out, drink some water and then go back to bed.

Naps. The only time I nap is if I'm hungover as fuck. Maybe 3 naps a year.

Alarm. I could probably be okay without an alarm, but I still use my phone. I have been waking up to Busta Rhymes- Woo Ha the last several months. Doesn't get much better than that.

Mrs. Ace used to have a body pillow. She would throw her leg over it and take up 2/3 of the bed every night. Thank science that thing is dead and gone.

GMoney said...

Bedtime is a time for dong freedom.

Put that line in the National Anthem ASAP.

Anonymous said...

Most definitely have to have noise also. The app for sleep sounds that Ape talked about might be the greatest app of all time.


Anonymous said...

I go to sleep around 11-1130 and wake up at 6 on the weekdays. Weekends I sleep in until about 9 depending on what I did before.

It takes me roughly 2-3 minutes to fall asleep...kind of weird. Once I put my head down and decide it's time....I'm asleep very fast.

I used to always sleep on my stomach but for a year or so now I 've become a back sleeper.

I wear boxers and no shirt to bed.

I need at least one sheet over for me to sleep and I sleep with a fan on...but, it's not about's about getting that cool breeze.

I never nap...maybe once or twice a year for an hour or less. I feel real cracked out when I wake from those naps too.


GMoney said...

"Sleep sounds app" sounds like a must download. The baby sounds thing is great but it shuts off after 40 minutes or so. Not cool, bruh.

The baby has now gone back to back nights going two hours in a row sleeping in her crib. We're getting there. Put me down for Dad of the Year as well as Commenter of the Year (boy would that piss everyone off...but as a former Man of the Year, that title is beneath me).

Nibs promised to have his Preview in yesterday and it hasn't arrived yet. Typical Fuckeye laziness. Wig Master was given today as a deadline, too. Let's see who sucks the most. Nibs has three kids to Wiggy's two so I'll say Nibs sucks most. Wiggy also embraces #MACtion to the fullest. He is probably going to attend the funeral of that kid who died yesterday.

Prime99 said...

Most nights I got to sleep around 11, wake up at 6. Tonight, my band has a monthly show we've been doing for over a year that goes until 1:30am. I can't even explain how shitty tomorrow will be after sleeping from 3-6am. We finally are throwing in the towel and quitting this gig. We have some other weekday gigs, but none go until that late nor are they recurring.

I go boxers or boxer briefs with a t-shirt most nights. I can go basketball shorts, most of mine are too long. Gots to get some booty shorts, son!

I'm a side sleeper and I usually rotate to the opposite side at least once. I definitely snore, which my wife doesn't appreciate. I try to use a Netti pot or breath right strips and it helps a little.

I mostly do not wake up once I'm out. Tried my best to get up with Running Zack once he was bottle fed and it certainly sucks being sleep deprived, but it's a good feeling taking care of your child.

We have a white noise machine for Zack that doesn't turn off. It is ELITE. We use the ceiling fan and I a few Bears blankets that I use (one at a time) in lieu of sleeping under the covers. The missus steals the bed sheets anyway!

I do enjoy a nap from time to time but I rarely take them these days. I wish we could build in a siesta at work. Is that a thing in Mexico and/or Spain? Seems awesome.

I have a midtempo Crowded House song wake me up. Gentle enough to not jolt me up, but enough to help me wake up. I may snooze once but then I read this here blog on my phone.

Very ELITE topic.

Nibbles said...

I just sent the preview over.

GMoney said...

Received! You were saved by the bell, Rod Belding!

During allergy season, I have been known to throw on a Breathe Right strip. They don't work for shit. BIG NOSE has us all fooled.

Booty shorts are an ELITE sleepwear.

Anonymous said...

Ohh the irony of this post as the baby is 1 week and 1 day old, and I finally slept for more than 3 hours at a time last night... god I love sleep and miss it so much.

Before the babe I was a 10:30/11 - 6:30 sleeper. Usually with one snooze.

Never are shirts being worn to bed - always bball shorts and letting the hog breathe.

Blankets are a must, no blankets is weird... therefore the room needs to be as cold as possible.

Body pillows are Elite.

Always have been a side sleeper - doesnt matter which side.

Naps are rare. Sometimes wake up refreshed, sometime in a daze as Drew mentioned.

At least 15-30 minutes of TV is a must before falling asleep.

LOLZZZZ AT THE STEELERS RB'S. So curious to see what the suspensions may be since there has been zero consistency. Roger sucks.


GMoney said...

Good mention on the TV. I can't do that. If the TV is on, my mind thinks that I should be watching it or listening or something. I have to have it off. The missus is the exact opposite which leads me to constantly going upstairs and seeing Chelsea Handler's stupid whore face.

Yeah, the Steelers RBs are incredibly dumb as fuck. I'm shocked that Mike Adams wasn't involved.

GMoney said...

Just got a text from the wife about COMEERGRRRRRRL's gigantic shit blowout this morning. Got all over her backseat and the carseat. Love that that wasn't me.

Anonymous said...

Is that what you're calling your daughter now?

Can't say that's enjoyable given its previous context.


Anonymous said...

Great topic. Having the wife breastfeed and our baby NOT want a bottle at all has been an excellent combination this time around. Also the fact I have not lived at home in 3 years due to work helps the sleeping.
Big changes though with the new job near the house. The wife left for a work trip yesterday and last night was NOT cool. Baby wants mommies tits and was miserable most of the night. I forgot how awful it was to be woke up constantly by a pissed off 8 month old.
-I prefer shorts no shirt or just boxers
-AC and fan on so it's nice and cool to bury in the covers
-side sleeper
-can't fall asleep without tv on
-I love naps. Nothing better than having the little one
curl up in your lap and nap together

-Ohio Nate

Prime99 said...

G$- you have the figure to pull off booty shorts. PROPS!

Damman- the girls you take home have great personalities. PROPS!

Ide- very glad you didn't die as a baby. PROPS!

Anonymous said...

Ape....I wake up once a night to piss as well. Been going on for a few years now. I don't mind it.


GMoney said...

I pretty much just call her "Baby" at this point. I'm pretty creative.

She$ is leaving for some work conference at the end of October for three days and I am dreading the shit out of it. I was not informed that parenting would require so much parenting.

Anonymous said...

"I was not informed that parenting would require so much parenting."

Stop going to black people for advice then.

I was also a very ELITE nap taker when I was a toddler. My mom would routinely find me asleep in the linen closet, stairs, crawl space in my room, or on a pile of plastic/metal toys in my toy room.

I also never liked sleeping with my parents when I was a baby. My brother, however, came out as the polar opposite. My parents hated raising him, after I tricked them into believing kids were easy.


Cakes said...

This is what I'm dreading most about having a child. Sleep is amazing.

-I'm TOTES a night owl. If I fall asleep before midnight I'm probably dead.

-Boxers and a t-shirt. Anyone who wears socks to bed is obviously a psycho.

-I sleep on both of my sides with a pillow between my knees. My knees CAN"T be touching at all. I don't know why. If a pillow isn't available I will crumple up anything to put in between my knees.

-My wife has THREE fans going at the same time. She needs the noise. I too like the noise but also enjoy the wind aspect of it. It can be the dead of winter and I'll still have a fan on me.

-I don't wake up for anything once I'm out.

-Not a big napper. I always feel like shit after I get up from one. Also, I have the most intense and vivid dreams when I nap.

-I have a lame alarm on my phone. I've never thought about having ELITE alarm apps. I'm currently browsing the app store in search of one.

MUfan said...

Excellent topic.

Boxers only. No shorts or shirt. Too warm. And yes, bedtime is for Dong freedom.

But I must have something over me, even if it's just a sheet. I feel very vulnerable if I don't have something covering me. I know, weird.

I sleep on my back. And I snore. And because I'm old and over 40, I have a CPAP machine. I can't say I wear it every night, but it does allow for a deeper, more refreshing sleep.

Usually go to bed around midnight and wake up around 6:15. Wake up to NPR on a traditional clock radio.

Never had kids, so haven't had to deal with the lack of sleep from parenting.

Naps are very UNDERRATED. Especially on weekends.

My 75lb German Shepherd sleeps on the bed with me. She HAS to be touching me somehow. I usually wake up with her next time on her back and all 4 legs up in the air with her ass in my face. Not very ELITE.

Mr. Ace said...

And the window fan runs/flys in any weather. That winter air makes for excellent sleep. Even though Mrs. Ace will sabotage my winter slumber every once in awhile to avoid hypothermia.

I will also randomly have a night where I wake up and piss every two hours. I assume thats just my body doing doubletime to expel all the tofu and booze. I always have a glass or two of water before bed too. Gotta flush those kidneys.

The sleep app I have has some wild shit on it. Like monks chanting, wolves howling, cicadas, but the craziest is heart beat. I get it for newborns, but as an adult that shit is terrifying.

GMoney said...

I like when the dog is leaning against my leg or whatever in the morning. Much rather have the dog spoon me than the missus. She is NOT allowed to touch me while I sleep. I hate that shit. Leave me along. I can't stress this enough. I H8 the notion of "cuddling".

Prime99 said...

I had a sleep study done but did not qualify for the CPAP machine.

A month later I played a show and one of the bar regulars I've gotten to know said, "hey, you had your sleep study done at my center!" So you watched me sleep? Weird, bro. Keep that shit to yourself and stop violating HIPPA!

MUfan said...

Sleep tests are the worse. Super uncomfortable with all the wires hooked up to you. Having unattractive techs hook you up while you're standing there in boxers and then watching you while you sleep. Not cool.

When going to sleep, she (my dog) just has to barely be touching my leg. However, by morning, she's all spread out and has her whole body up against mine with tail in my face. The feeling of protection is nice though. I pity anyone who would ever attempt to break into my place and have to face her.