|Calling you out, bruh! Sue me, too, chubs!|
Coming on the heels of Drew's weird guest post where he asked for wet dream stories, I thought that we could talk about sleeping today. Oh how I long for those college days where I stayed up until 2 am every night and got up at 10 am. Now I can't even remember the last time that I wasn't up by 7:30. Let's do this categorically and I will share my routine pre-kid:
TIMING - I have the pleasure of being a night owl and sort of a morning person. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight but have no issue getting up in the morning either. I must be one of those really successful business types that Colin T is always yammering on and on about. However, if you asked me to get up at 5:30 everyday, I would straight murder you. I'm not getting up before sunrise, bruh, so maybe I am more of a night owl. It's still dark outside. Stay in the sack.
DRESS - I've never understood people that wear socks or those big pajamas to bed. Don't you get hot? I would much rather be cold and curl up in the blankets than sweat through the sheets. I'm a simple bro. I rock a pair of probably-too-short basketball shorts that keeps the junk barely covered while rolling shirtless guy. It works for me. Those shorts would make most people vomit and the missus has asked me to throw out my "short shorts" numerous times over the years. I will not though. They are literally a part of me. I can't stress this enough: they are WAY too short. They are a few millimeters away from being booty shorts. I'm pretty much the Nicki Minaj of my neighborhood.
STYLE - I've tried to sleep on my back but I can't. I always start on my left side facing the window and wake up on my washboard abs. They say that sleeping on your six pack leads to back problems so, yeah, I'm going to have back problems some day. I also have different covers coverage depending on the season. In the winter, I get nestled in from the start because OBVZ it's cold. But now, hell, I haven't slept under the covers for over two months. I sleep on top of the comforter with no blankets at all. That probably sounds weird but geniuses such as myself tend to be a little out there. She$ bought this body pillow to help her feel better during pregnancy. Now it acts as a buffer zone between us. I like it. One day I may make it an honest body pillow.
NOISE - I need some sort of noise to fall asleep. I can't handle dead silence. I turn the ceiling fan on every night. The wife hates it. Fuck her. We have this white noise machine for the baby and it is right next to the monitor. I swear that that thing puts me out in seconds while the baby screams and the wife has to DEAL WITH IT. White noise is ELITE.
BREAKS - Once I'm out, I am usually knocked the fuck out. I might be one of the deepest sleepers in the world. Who knows how many times I've been raped after I've fallen asleep. My guess is "hundreds of times". She$ is always asking me in the morning "did you hear the storm/nuclear bomb/sirens or whatever last night"? My answer is always no. I don't wake up for anything. Thank God I have a decent bladder. I couldn't imagine having to get up in the middle of the night to piss. Being a zombie plus my terrible vision would lead to many sink/shower urinations just based on confusion alone.
NAPS - Big fan. A good nap is always welcomed. But I'm sort of weird about it. If it's after 4 pm, I don't allow myself the pleasantry. I guess I figure that bedtime is approaching and I missed my window. How great would it be if naps had no effect on falling asleep at night? That would be a game changer.
ALARM - I used to have John Tesh's Roundball Rock (the NBA on NBC theme) wake me up every morning. It was a fine way to start the day. Now I use a combo of The Iron Shiek's alarm clock app and my Sonic Boom alarm. It doesn't get much better than Shiekie screaming "YOU WANT TO BE LEGEND LIKE ME? WAKE THE FUCK UP" at 7 am every day. The Sonic Boom is almost a guaranteed heart attack. It is so fucking loud. I'd bet that my neighbors can hear it.
To be fair to the wife, she does let me sleep through the night other than if or when the dog wants to go out (always at 2:30 for some odd reason). The baby is starting to get into a bit of a sleeping groove. But that will change once she gets better at pumping and I can help with the nighttime feedings. Not looking forward to that at all. I don't want to help. So for the time being, I will enjoy my mostly uninterrupted sleep sessions because they will be coming to a close soon. Let's strap on our sleep apnea masks today and talk about America's actual favorite pastime: sleeping!