Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Mount Rushmore: Cereal Edition



"Open wide! You'll need your strength to fight off my butt rape attempts."



So my one year anniversary was over the weekend.  Sunday to be exact.  Where does the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I trolled the fuck out of Ide with a Train song during the recessional.  Ahhhh...the memories.  I honestly don't know why everyone says marriage takes "work".  It really doesn't.  Marriage is pretty fucking simple.  Don't cheat, don't be a fucking asshole on purpose, say you're sorry when you fuck up, say thank you when your wife does something cool for you, do some cool shit to return the favor and don't scream at her like Chris Brown pumped full of Ciroc.  Boom.  The wedding playbook.

I took Wheelz to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure (cue Ide saying how much that place blows) as her anniversary gift.  I got Browns/Jags tickets.  So both Universal and Islands of Adventure are pretty sweet and I was able to talk her into going on a weekday so we didn't have to put up with the insanity of weekend park traffic.  Also ran into Kenyon Martin there.  We exchanged a nice little head nod.  I'm not Ide so I won't say we exchanged phone numbers on top of that.  There's no way in hell that guy stands 6'9" like his player profile suggests.  I would say 6'6" at the most.  Anyway...what the fuck am I getting at?  Right.  Since our move I've been getting up at the crack of ass most days so we can make this place habitable before Wheelz starts the path to having a way better career than I ever will.  Which means I've been eating a lot more cereal than usual.

Now, I'm not a big breakfast person in general.  I'll cram four pounds of Waffle House into my middle aged gut when shit bagged, other than that I rarely sit down for a full breakfast.  What I will do is eat cereal.  And lately I've been eating a lot of it.  As with most things, there are cereals that kick ass and cereals that ARE ass.  Here is the Mount Rushmore best and worst of breakfast cereals.


Mount Rushmore Best

Cocoa Puffs - Any cereal that produces chocolate milk after the dust clears is always a fucking player.  There are other chocolate cereals out there but some turn into disgusting mush once milk makes contact (Cocoa Krispies/Cocoa Pebbles) and others are seasonal (Count Chocula).  Cocoa Puffs stay crunchy in milk and I can get it whenever the fuck I please.  Double threat guy.

Honey Bunches Of Oats - It tastes good and it tricks me into thinking I'm actually eating healthy.  But we all know I'm probably not.  Those fucking clusters of whatever the hell they are, are so magical.  I don't know why someone in charge of this cereal hasn't suggested putting just those sexual little clusters in a box by themselves and selling them.  Talk about a missed opportunity. (Upon further research, this cereal actually does exist.  Holy fuck.)

Cracklin' Oat Bran - Very UNDERRATED.  Cinnamon, nutmeg, brown sugar?  What's not to like?  That sounds like a championship formula to me.  I'm not saying that I cried the first time I ate this cereal...but I'm not saying that I didn't cry either.  I know Cracklin' Oat Bran won't appear on any of your Mount Rushmores but I don't give a donkey dick.  The word "crack" appearing in the name of this cereal is not a coincidence.

Peanut Butter Captain Crunch - Oh baby.  I don't even care that the Captain absolutely obliterates the roof of my mouth.  It's worth it.  I don't know why all of the Captain's cereals turn everyone's palate into fucking road rash and I really don't care to investigate.  Some questions are better left unanswered.  PBCC could be shards of glass or a bowl of screws for all I care.  Make it taste like peanut butter and I will sacrifice what needs to be sacrificed.


Mount Rushmore Worst

Wheaties - The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that Wheaties didn't taste like tree bark by putting a popular athlete on the box.  What a fucking sham Wheaties was/is.  They'll never know it's awful if we distract them with their sports heroes!!  Do they even still make this garbage?  God, I hope not.  Eating Wheaties was like putting your mouth over a wood chipper.  Everyone pretended to like it because Michael Jordan was a supporter.  But then when your mom turned her back you were dumping it into the toilet or the dog bowl.  Just nasty shit.

Mini Wheats/Shredded Wheat - Not FROSTED mini wheats.  Those are actually tolerable and halfway decent on a good day.  I'm talking about just the wheat biscuit that could easily be mistaken for horse hair.  Or a straw bed for livestock.  I remember my grandparents ALWAYS used to have shredded wheat on hand.  Like they owned stock in it.  I could set my fucking Mickey Mouse watch to it.  And why was each wheat biscuit humongous?  You mean I have to shred this thing up myself and then eat it?  That's like forcing me to load the gun I'm about to be murdered with.  Rule of thumb...if it's in your grandparents cupboard, it's disgusting.

Grape Nuts - It's fucking bird food.  That's it.  Somewhere along the line, some asshole decided to put bird food in a box and claim that it's cereal in order to trick old people into buying it so they can know what it's like to once again shit solid.  Help me out here, Grumpy.  I know a cereal fucking blows when adding an obscene amount of sugar doesn't improve the taste.

Rice Krispies - Fuck this cereal and fuck those elves.  Here is how you have to eat Rice Krispies: with 30 spoonfuls of sugar and under 40 seconds.  If it takes you any longer to finish the bowl your "Krispies" will be the consistency of wet boogers.  If you don't put enough sugar to murder a diabetic on the cereal, it takes like soggy cardboard.  You might as well just eat the fucking box this pathetic excuse for a cereal came in.  No one can possibly like Rice Krispies.

I can't wait to defend my Rushmore since food posts usually bring out the worst in people.  If anyone attempts to provide sanctuary for any of the Mount Rushmore worsts, I move they be banned from this blog forever.  Let the debate begin.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

I haven't eaten cereal more than once or twice in probably 15 years. But, I used to be a daily cereal eater growing up.

First off...never understood cocoa puffs fascination. I'm not going to hate on it, because I understand people like chocolate...but, the combo just didn't work for me.

Cracklin' Oat Bran is a GREAT reference. Completely forgot that existed, but it was tasty and I think I would like it now.

Where's Lucky Charms on this list? I loved Lucky Charms.

I also liked Wheaties....I would TOTES add sugar...but, I liked wheaties. I also liked "Basic 4" which is another healthy cereal for the gays...but, I liked it.

Please keep Christy Mack in your prayers.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I like my cereal at night before bed; guarantees a great morning dump. Honey Bunches of Oats with almonds.

Anonymous said...

Fiber keeps Grump regular.

I'm in the same boat as Drew. I honestly can't remember the last time I ate cereal. Having said that, Frosted Flakes were my favorite. Simple and to the point.

And Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Fruit loops with marshmallows were the best. They only had them for a limited time but it was like eating cocaine.

Honey Graham O's are an elite cereal that none of you have probably ever tried.

Cap'n crunch PB and cap'n all berries are great but like you said iceman the risk of the roof of your mouth bleeding is worth it.

----Lange

Anonymous said...

I had a bowl of COB this morning. It is pretty good. I can understand the disgust with Grape Nuts, but I eat it. Basically just beause it's good for me. It's much better with sugar or dried cherries on it. I like granola too. Rice Crispies do suck. They are nothing but air. The sound is cool though. Chocolate Mini Wheats are good. Thoughts on Crave? It doesn't do too much for me.

GMoney said...

I'm not a big cereal guy but I do recall loving these beauties:

*Cinnamon Toast Crunch
*Golden Goddamn Grahams
*Apple Jacks
*Trix

Those are the Big Diabetic Four.

You know what also sucked...Kix. Fuck Kix.

Not sure how Blake Bortles got a label today but good for him! He probably eats Mueslix.

GMoney said...

And yes, we must all pray for Christy Mack who will be eating cereal through a straw for the next 6 months.

Anonymous said...

No teeth and swollen lips? She looks ready to work to me. LULZ for getting beat up by your ex boyfriend named WAR MACHINE.

The big debate is if Robin Williams David Carradine'd himself to death last night.

Ide

GMoney said...

Here's a fun FACT: Robin Williams wasn't funny.

I'm shying away from the Carradine angle and going more with "Tony Stewart ran him over on the way to Golden Corral".

Anonymous said...

Robin Williams was AWFUL. I laughed at some of his stuff in some of his movies, but he was largely terrible and not funny.

Mrs. Doubtfire was shit.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Puffins.

T. Iceman said...

" but it was like eating cocaine."

One of the greatest things ever written in the comments.

I'm glad crackin oat bran is getting the love it deserves. Tremendous cereal. Cinnemon Toast Crunch was almost a player on this list but couldn't crack the top 4 for me. But I'm not pissed if I'm eating it. That's for sure. And the commercials promote cannibalism so that's pretty cool.

Anyone else's parents force cream of wheat down their throats? All I remember is that cereal tasted like and had the consistency of wet plaster. And I remember the box being a little racist also.

Never had Krave but I would try it because it looks like it would be terrible for me.

T. Iceman said...

If there's one thing I'm certain of, you revolted against the system when your parents had the fucking nerve to bring home generic cereal. You know...the stuff in the plastic bag?? GTFO with that bullshit.

T. Iceman said...

Social media has been extra douchy with Robin Williams. As G$ said...dude wasn't even that funny.

Anonymous said...

Dog the Bounty Hunter tweeted that if War Machine doesn't turn himself in in 24 hours that he's coming after him....LOLZ!!!!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Is Dog still licensed to do that stuff? He might have been the innovator of calling people BRAH though so he is cool with me.

I'm not kidding at all. I am funnier than Robin Williams. Not once did he perfectly execute a Simpsons reference. Hell, he was a better dramatic actor than a comedian. Give me an Elaine Boosler any day. J/K.

Fruit Loops...also terrific. Plus, with fruit in the title, they had to be healthy.

Anonymous said...

Browns sign Sexy Rexy Grossman just before they play the skins? Taking preseason a bit too seriously


----Lange

Anonymous said...

Iceman, Cracklin' Oat Bran is definitely in my Mount Rushmore too.

Lange, I've had Honey Graham Oh's and they are indeed Elite. I have not had them in years because I'm pretty sure you can only buy them at Wal Mart, but that cereal is so good that's possibly a sacrifice worth making...

-GSaul

Anonymous said...

The cream of wheat box had a smiling negro chef on it. The grossest thing on the planet was my parents put raisins in the warm cream of wheat. Imagine a raisin being reconstituted and warmed. I think it's probably similar to eating guinea pig droppings.

GMoney said...

GSAUL, DREW, AND WIG MASTER...please work on those previews, dammit.

The Browns mean business if they are hoarding The Sex Cannon to themselves. I can't think of a finer mentor for Johnny Football.

T. Iceman said...

"The cream of wheat box had a smiling negro chef on it"

Right up Ide's alley.

I'm really surprised at how many COB fans exist out there. I thought I was in the minority here.

I don't know how Dog chases down anyone. Dude rips through like 3 packs of cigs a day.

Cakes said...

Honey Graham's and lucky charms definitely needed to be mentioned here. Also, good looking with the apple jacks, G$. Those were fucking spectacular.

I still like cereal but now I'm forced to endure Kroger Brand frosted flakes. That's all the wife will buy at the store because let's face it, I'm not doing the shopping. Yeah they are pretty good but don't even come close to the real thing. Cereal is one of those products where buying the name brand is essential. They must guard those recipes like Fort Knox. (Is Fort Knox empty? ELITE conspiracy theory right there)

Robin Williams was ok. I actually watched his last sit com because Sarah Michelle Gellar was on it. She's looking kind of rough these days. My dick from 1997 does not approve.

GMoney said...

Years of voluntarily banging Fredrick Prinze Jr will do that to you.

I recommend doing the shopping and I used to feel the way that you do. Your wife/life partner can not be trusted with such big decisions. She will stick to the list and if that list does not have Doritos on it, they will not get purchased. Also, always go hungry. You will make some hilarious short-sighted purchases like frozen corn dogs or Taquitos.

Anonymous said...

IIRC Kroger brand cheetos were better than regular cheetos. My parents never bought store brand, but I had friends that did. I seem to remember liking those a hell of a lot more than regular cheetos.

Honeycombs were a bowl full of meh. I assume that's what Honey Grahams meant.

Also Cookie Crisp. Underrated cereal. And I seem to remember going apeshit for Pacman cereal when I was a kid.

Ide

Anonymous said...

The Saul’s had a dedicated pantry shelf to no less than 20 boxes of vary qualities of cereal at any given time. You knew is a cereal was good if:
- It rarely made an appearance in our house and when it did, the entire box was gone in less than 60 seconds
- There wasn’t a (as iceman eluded to) “plastic bag” knock off, or the knock off was just a disgraceful attempt
- There wasn’t a bigger box option

Honorable mention at the Saul house:
- Captain Crunch; Peanut butter Crunch
- Captain Crunch; Crunchberries
- Franken Berry (just rare ass appearances)

Winners:
3) Honey Graham OH’s (No bog box, and no real imitator)

2) Fruity Pebbles (No big box, and knock off was a sham)

1) RESSES PEANUT BUTTER PUFFS (no knock off, no big box)

I still eat the PUFFS for desert once in a long while.

- J saul

Anonymous said...

Good call IDE - Cookie Crisp would be number 4 to fill out the Rushmore (small box, no good imitator). Knew I was missing one.

j Saul

Anonymous said...

Awesome call with the Honey Bunches of Oat (with Almonds too, Grump) - so good.

Fruity Pebbles
Frosted Flakes
Captain Crunch
Cinnamon Toast Crunch

... Cant go wrong with any of those either.

The wife is being induced tomorrow at 8am, as she is now 41 weeks pregnant and not dilated. Should have a baby thurs/fri.

I will be spending a lot of time on this website in the next few days from my phone so there better be some good material tomorrow and Thursday (Ace!).

Seal

Mr. Ace said...

Puffins are top shelf, with a peanut butter and cinnamon option. And certified Non-GMO. BOOM!

Prime99 said...

Golden Grahams are my favorite. I had them today, in fact.

I eat cereal and drink coffee just about everyday for breakfast. Zack loves Cheerios so we are stocked on those. Transitioning him to Honey Nut Cheerios will be a great day.

The Reese's peanut butter cereal is also a fine product.

Prime99 said...

Also, COLON BLOW.

Cakes said...

I didn't mean honeycombs. That shit was mush before yoy even got a spoon on it. I meant golden Grahams.

Cant believe I forgot fruity pebbles! That shit is amazing. I may have to go get a box today. I miss that shit.

Good luck Seal and Mrs Seal!

Grumpy said...

I forgot Frosted Flakes until a couple of you mentioned them. Also, do they still put toys in cereal. My mom would bring those boxes home and I would dig through them to get the toy.

Good luck, Seal. Hope you don't have to wait as long as G$.

T. Iceman said...

I was in an antique mall the other week looking for a old bier stein for my bro. Stumbled upon a box of Batman cereal from 1989. Michael Keaton on the cover. Seriously considered buying it but they were asking $30. I don't think so.

Having said that...I remember batman cereal being nothing more than bat shaped Captain Crunch. Can anyone else confirm my memory?

GMoney said...

Fuck your phone, Seal. You will be there forever so bring a tablet/laptop for optimal surfing.

Was Honey Smacks a cereal? The one with the talking frog? Dig 'Em, I think? Those were solid.

Let's all bow down to the King of Cereals though...Cheerios.

The last two days I have fallen asleep in my car during my lunch hour. I am such a new parent stereotype. These are not quality naps either but very necessary.

T. Iceman said...

Honey Smacks is indeed a cereal and it is total ass. It always gave me a headache for some reason. Probably from the terribleness.

Honey nut Cheerios or GTFO.

Anonymous said...

Sugar Smacks > Honey Bear (or whatever the other output was). And they were certainly solid.

One of the more polarizing cereals in my household was Raisin Bran. Why? Because my cocksucking brother would DIG THE FUCKING RAISINS OUT. No one liked the bran, they just dealt with it for those amazing raisins. Also, two scoops was not enough. My mom mitigated this heated battle by buying boxes of raisins to put in our cereal. But, they weren't sugar coated, and my brother can get fucked twice from Sunday still to this day. Nothing makes me bristle more than a raisin/marshmallow hoarding sibling.

Ide

GMoney said...

Raisin Bran Fan? That explains a lot. Queer.

Daniel said...

I have an unopened box of Flutie Flakes circa 1998. Inside each box is a life sized replica of Flutie as a prize.

GMoney said...

I have a Redskins Wheaties box from after Super Bowl XXVI with Mark Rypien and company on the cover. ELITE box.