Friday, August 01, 2014

Guest Post (Now I Know Why We Never Do These)


Slow...a truce offering today. Some morning fapping material for you.



WUZZZZZZZZZZZ UP MOTHERFUCKERS?!?!?
COY up in this bitch on this Friday morning.  Since G$ is busy trying to get on Maury to see if he actually is the Father and Iceman is too busy finding his and her Jorts in Gainesville, the critical importance of getting the Friday edition of this blog out to you was left in the hands of yours truly….and why wouldn’t it be since COY means best and Friday is the best day of the work week.
So, I’m sure you all think we’re about to discuss the Tigers winning another AL Central over the Windians or the Buckeyes about to start another year of being better than Michigan at football.  But, that’s exactly what we are NOT going to discuss today.  Today’s conversation will have nothing to do with sports.  Why is that?  For the same reason that food posts are almost always some of the best days here.  That reason is because we actually learn new stuff about each other.  We all know our opinions on sports by now…but, on food days we learn there are people that exist that want their steaks well done….or who has a vagina in their mouth instead of taste buds.  These days give us new ammo for each other and also new ideas.

So, today I’m going to give 5 questions that everyone needs to answer.  There might be some guidelines with each question.

# 1 – Have you ever stolen anything and what was it? The first thing I ever stole was an Ohio State snow cap from a street vendor on Champions Lane my Freshman year while shitfaced before the Michigan game. It was cold as hell and I did not have a hat. I also still steal bags of ice when buying them for tailgating purposes. If I come into your gas station and pay you for four bags of ice…when I leave that gas station and grab them you better believe that I’m taking 8…..deal with it.

#2 – Do you remember your dreams and have you ever had a wet dream? Dreams fascinate me….and I truly feel bad for those that do not remember them.  I have wild dreams almost every single night. Just last night I had a dream that 60 Minutes did a feature on Deshaun “Buckets” Thomas and he was dating an extremely popular female rapper.  While that wasn’t as wild as many by any means, it did provide me with some chuckles when I woke from it.  I absolutely love my dreams, but the Holy Grail of dreams I have still not achieved….the wet dream. While I would like to blame this on too much sexual activity at an early age….it was definitely due to too much self sexual activity.  I’ve thought about taking a break from all activities for like two weeks to try and trigger this, but I just can’t do it.  I’m extremely jealous of all of you that have had this experience.

#3 – If you could have one job…and be a bad ass at it…what would it be?  No sports professions are allowed due to the vast majority of us that would pick that. This was a tough one for me. Quick thoughts like President of the U.S. came to mind…but, do you really want to be a huge liar to millions and have half the country despise you? No…because politics are dumb.  Being known as the best cancer doctor or something like that in the world would be pretty cool, but I’m not really in the business of saving Saudi Prince’s kids lives.  My choice…beinga member of something like Seal Team 6 (ironically enough).  I think it would be incredible to be a part of something like this. You are one of the biggest bad asses on the planet (which I’m almost the polar opposite of)…you kill pieces of shit…do incredibly secret missions that most often are never even known and that give wild rushes I’m sure….and you just hang out with other bad ass dudes all the time.  Being the next James Dean of porn was a close second.

#4 – How much would it take for you to put a sex tape of yourself and your significant other on www.xvideos.com ?  There is no guarantee anyone you know would ever see it…it would just be some random sex tape under an amateur title….your names are never involved. …and frankly I doubt anyone here is gonna be getting tons of hits. But, there is always a chance and if someone sees it you aren’t convincing them it isn’t you.  You’re also never questioned by anyone as to where your money came from. If you don’t have a significant other…take a guess.
I’m going with $750K.  I have a feeling this will be on the low end….but, I’m an adult and nobody in my family is going to disown me over such a thing…and I don’t have much shame.  So, I think I’d deal with it fine. If somehow work found out about it…that would suck…but, hopefully would not result in loss of a job. If it did…I have $750K in cash to fall back on. Also remember….THEY would be the ones that were on the site and found you.

#5 – What is an everyday thing that is normal to everyone, but you can’t really explain how it works? I’m terrible at these things as I’m nowhere near anything like a handy-man and don’t care to learn how things work.  I honestly could not tell someone how electricity works.  I would have a much easier time explaining the internet, satellites, etc.  But, if some jungle man arrived and wanted to know how I turned on a light…I’d say something like “Well, there is a plant that supplies electricity…it has cables that go into this place…and when I flip the switch the light goes on”…but, I would not be able to explain how the plant “makes” the electricity….and that is pretty embarrassing.  Sewer pipelines also blow my mind. That's it people...hopefully, we get some good answers...and remember...you're all my bitches.

--COY

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Pretty much the only thing I ever stole was Abercrombie in HS. My brother and I were pretty notorious for it. Oddly enough, my parents never questioned our seemingly endless wardrobe.

I remember most my dreams. Last bight I went on a boring ass vacation where I got bored, left the beach house and walked around only to find 2 drug dealers getting busted in the snow (?). My alarm went off just then. Never had a wet dream. Then again my voice cracked like 10 times ever and I never had acne. I missed a couple steps of puberty.

Day trader. I had a buddy in college who never worked and just traded stocks on Scottrade every day. He was the shit at it and pulled in almost 1k a day. Fuck that guy. I tried it after college and sunk $500 into an account. After a month I got it to $900 (fuck yeah, Ford!) and then paid bills. I should probably do that again.

Id do it for a lot less if it were a pov shoot. But if it weren't, Im saying $2 million. Why? Because the first thing I thought of when I saw your $750k is the 45% the government is taking. God I am terrible.

I have a hard time knowing how empathy works. See previous statement.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

The only thing I have ever stolen is street signs. My garage was full of them in high school. Growing up owning a business and despising shoplifters pretty much guaranteed that I would never do it.

I had a few wet dreams when I was....12 maybe? They weren't of the cool variety, as I was 12 and my imagination of sex acts consisted of soft core Cinemax movies (ELITE). They were more of me dreaming that I was taking a puss and then waking up with goo all over my sheets. I didn't understand what was happening at all.

Gambler. If I could be Phil Ivey that would be fucking tits.

If you would have asked me this question in college I'm sure the answer would have been $9 and a case of Natty. But now.... $5 mil. In my line of work if that shut gets found I am done forever, so I need some extra insurance money.

Airplanes. I mean I get how it works, but it is still mind-boggling to me that humans can cram into this cylinder and fly around the world at 500 mph.

Anonymous said...

Ide....I was thinking $ 750K straight cash...no taxes...but, point taken.

Being a pimp day trader would be pretty fun. I'm sure there would be some high adrenaline points throughout a day.

Ape...good call on being a pro gambler.

I'm with you on airplanes..I get the gist of it...but, it's still pretty mindblowing especially with how there are basically never any accidents as long as you aren't flying in Malaysia or Africa.

--Drew

GMoney said...

1. I have the greatest thievery story ever. Myself and like five others went to state baseball in like 96 or something and instead of watching the game, walked right into the Ohio Buckeyes football locker room at Woody Hayes and pretty much took everything. Eddie George's cleats, Pace's gloves, Terry Glenn's fucking MAIL, and I got Mike Vrabel's TCU hat. It was quite a haul. We got in trouble by my dad who took it all away. When we graduated high school, he gave all of it back to us which was an ELITE present.

2. I don't have a great dream memory. My wife does and it is annoying to hear tell me about all of her dumb dreams.

3. Rock star. Easy choice. Unlimited ass, money, and horrible life choices.

4. It's got to be a tidy sum since my wife will take half in the divorce.

5. Toilets fascinate me. Who is storing all of my poops???

Today is our 5th anniversary. I got the wife two dozen Cheryl & Company cookies and a kid. She got me tickets to Derek Jeter's last home game. Fair trade.

T. Iceman said...

I'm with Ace. Watching my parents struggle at times owning their own business, I always wanted to castrate shop lifters. So I resorted to stealing road signs. And hearts. And virginities. BOOM.

I rarely remember my dreams but when I do...oh man. They are usually doozies. I do remember I had this one reoccurring dream when I was younger. It was absolutely terrifying and always ended with Frankenstein biting me.

I would be a big time musician. Loads of money. Parties every night. Travel the world. And I would make my wife sign a God damn prenup if I married as a musician. So many morons out there.

The porn would have to be in the millions. Like 10. Enough to never have to worry about money again. Because in today's world it would be nearly impossible to keep that shit quiet. Even if it's POV and my face isn't in it. All it takes is one drunken slip up to a friend one night and you're the porn video guy forever. So kiss any decent job goodbye since that shit will always follow you. I know a guy who fucked himself in the ass with a mini Tiger's bat, filmed it and sent it to a chick. Within a week everyone he knew had that video and now he is and will forever be Ass Bat. You can't hide from stuff like that.

Cars. I'll never understand how a car works or how to fix it on my own. My dad can fuck with a broken car for 3 hours and have it running like new. And he's never worked in a body shop. He's fixed up a 61 and 62 chevy impala (one convertible and one hard top) to as close to factory as you can get. Flipped them for a massive profit. Did the same thing with a 63 corvette. Kept that one for himself. It's one of the things I admire most about my dad and I know I will never be able to do that.

Prime99 said...

1. I stole Pearl Jam "Vs." From the CD section of a JcPenny in 8th grade. Beyond that, a few road signs and that's it.

2. I remember my dreams and have had wet dreams when I was much younger. Maybe 13? They really aren't that cool. You pretty much wake up without a major sexual dream to find your bed sheets needing to be changed.

3. Musician. Easy pick.

4. At least 10 million. Besides all the stuff everyone else mentioned, I do not want my son (or his friends) to stumble across that someday.

5. I would like to be more handy and know the inter workings of various home items. If me AC went out, could I fix it? Nope, but I'd like to be able to. This could extend to being more handy for apocalypse survival as well.

Both COYs from the last two years subbed this week. Pretty solid week

Anonymous said...

G$ and Iceman didn't answer the wet dream portion.

I had a recurring dream when I was younger as well...had to do with getting left behind in a huge store.

You two should form your own band.

Iceman...I might just be naive...or you way more paranoid than me. But,I just don't think the odds are all that high that someone you know would see your amateur porn. It's not like you are on there banging some pornstar that people are searching by her name. It's probably somewhere in between our level of worries.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Prime.....This is how I would describe how an A/C unit works. There is a machine with a big fan inside of it...when turned on the fan starts to spin hot air taht then combines with some sort of chemical making for cold air...that gets shot through tubes inside the house to cool it down".

I didn't realize stealing road signs was such a "thing" back in the day.

G$ was Terrelle Pryor before Terrelle Pryor was Terrelle Pryor.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I honestly don't remember which leads me to believe that that is a no. A friend of mine in college used to have them every week and would brag about it for some reason. He's a youth minister now.

Anonymous said...

That's frightening that the guy that would brag about wet dreams is a youth minister. Hopefully, he didn't do the job so that he could be around sheets that young boys slept in.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

"She got me tickets to Derek Jeter's last home game."

I will not meet up with you. On a related note, next Sunday at 1:05 pm (instead of at night, because records), I will see the Windians play the Yankees. Not Jazzed. Oh, it is YANKEE COWBOY HAT GIVEAWAY NIGHT.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Agree with Drool- that youth minister is definitely doing that dog.

A's Cespedes t-shirt giveaway this Saturday. I saw a ton of dumb A's fans get pissed about trading Yo Anus, so maybe they will riot?

T. Iceman said...

I had a wet dream or 2 back in the day around 13 or 14. I'm pretty weirded out by Drew's persistence of my wet dream frequency.

All it takes is telling one person, Drew. Then the world knows.

GMoney said...

I didn't ask, Ide, I did not ask. Enjoy your Cowboy Hat! You might be able to wear it around your neighborhood ironically.

I don't like how the COY can just waltz in (he's gay so he is always trying to make a flamboyant entrance) and make us take a test.

Anonymous said...

I have big ideas on what I'm going to do with that hat.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I bet Cakes still has wet dreams in his Indians whitey tighties.

It wasn't a test G$....more of a questionnaire. There is no judging.

Ide will look cool grilling out on all of the grills on the rooftop with his cowboy hat.

--Drew

MUfan said...

#1 I haven't really ever stolen anything, but I have cheated on some exams while in college. That's kind of like stealing.

#2 I will only remember dreams for like 30 minutes after I wake up. I did have one wet dream when I was like 10 or so. Was totally embarrassed.

#3 Rock star. Nothing else is even close.

#4 Surprisingly, I would do it for not very much. Like $100,000. Or maybe even less. I'm divorced, not seeing anyone, no kids, 43 years old, and work as an administrator at a college. You can't get fired for shit like this. It would be embarrassing if work found out, but it's not a fire-able offense. My family would give me some major grief (especially my dad), but it would be worth it to pay off my mortgage and some other debt. I'd pretty much be banking on the fact that no one would probably see it.

#5 Cars. Specifically, the engine of a car. I so wish I was a gear head, but I'm not.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised at just how many people want to be rock stars.

MUFan...I like you...you seem to have no shame. It seems like a few other guys that I know that are divorced are kind of the same...the lack of fucks given about stuff seems to rise substantially after a man gets a divorce.

--Drew

Derec Alexander said...

Everybody always finds out.

Anonymous said...

I think in high school I stole a shirt from American Eagle, but it freaked me out, so I was always too big of a pussy to steal. I fucking hate thieves.

I have a wet dream once a week thinking about that vid of Anthony Davis.... Yes I remember my dreams - some much more than others for some reason.

Is a caddie an athlete? I would love to be Tiger's caddie. You travel, play golf on your off days, work half the year, if that, make bank, and spend your work days on a golf course. Sounds great. Second would probably be a bad ass actor.

Id do it for $500K if there are no taxes... I dont really care, and I wouldnt lose my job over it. I could do a lot with 500K...

Cellphones - how the fuck does my voice instantly come out of a little thing no matter where on earth it is.. how is my voice traveling from one place to another, when there are millions of conversations on these things happening at once.

Good post, Drooler.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I get what you are saying on the cell phones. I'm assuming it's a combination of satellites and cell phone towers...but, not really sure how that combo works. It is indeed fascinating that your voice is immediately transferred into some other person's phone no matter where each of you are.

I think golf caddie is against the rules, but I'll allow it...as you are correct in that it would be a very very underrated job. Especially if you liked the golfer you worked for....because you basically have to root your balls off for that guy to dominate every weekend. It would suck if he was a prick to you....as I'm going to assume a decent portion are.

Speaking of golf...how stupid is Dustin Johnson. Not only the cocaine part...but, if he was fooling around on Paulina Gretzky...that's like fooling around a smoking hot blank check. He might be less intelligent than Josh Gordon.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Dustin Johnson is bigger train wreck than John Daly...FACT???