Wednesday, August 27, 2014

CFB Preview Day 3: The TAEKS!

Uhhhhh, someone show these eggheads how to celebrate.
While we all still try to digest Brady Hoke's BANANAS decision to start a true freshman at LT (just kidding, who cares?), it is time for us to power through the halfway point of College Football Preview Week. The only way to get over the hump IMO is to go strong with the takes. Since this used to be the day that we always read about Duke Football, can we please have a moment of silence for that annual prediction.

Thank you. On with the hot, bold, and spicy takes!

Li'l Strut: 1. Iowa wins the B1G West. The Hawkeyes avoid the top B1G East teams in Penn State, Michigan State, Michigan and Ohio State this year and do not play top B1G West opponents Wisconsin and Nebraska until the last two games of the season (both games are at home).With some key talent returning, its highly possible that Iowa wins a tiebreaker from a head to head win against Wisconsin or Nebraska heads to the B1G Championship. If this happens, Iowa would foolishly make Kirk Ferentz the highest paid coach in the nation.
2. Marshall Goes Undefeated and goes to a “New Year’s Six” Bowl (Formerly BCS Bowl): Marshall returns a ton of offensive firepower from a team that averaged 42.1 ppg last year. It also has 8 defensive starters returning. Combine that with the fact that the Thundering Herd plays in C-USA and you have a recipe for an unbeaten season and a New Year’s Six berth.
3. Ohio State’s Defense will have 50+ Sacks this year: This may not seem bold, considering the Buckeyes had 42 sacks last year, but when you consider the highest sack total in FBS was 44, it’s a bolder prediction than it seems. Ohio State may have the best defensive line in the country with each DE and one of its DTs being pegged as future first round NFL Draft Picks.

Damman: 1. UCLA will make the playoffs. I don’t know how bold this is but I don’t think people know much about UCLA even though they are ranked #7 in the preseason. I really like Jim Mora and quarterback Brett Hundley. They should handle USC and Arizona St in the South Division and just need to get past Oregon/STANFORD FOOTBALL in the North and I like them to do that. Hundley is going to light it up this year.
2. There will be as much controversy this year in the playoff selection as there was in any year of the BCS. I could see Alabama or Auburn not winning the SEC West and still getting into playoffs (not saying that’s going to happen, just saying there’s a good chance). I think there will be 2 undefeated major conference champions and then four or five deserving 1 loss major conference teams. It’s going to be chaos and it’s going to be great.
3. Navy will win 10 games this year. It just so happens that they play Ohio State in the opener (they’ll lose that one obvs) so that should help out the Buckeyes nicely come playoff time. But seriously, they play Ohio State and Notre Dame, and should be favored in the rest of their 10 games. I predict they’ll win all 10.

Drew: 1. Some sort of bad scandal is going to hit the Ole Miss football program during this season and it will result in current players losing eligibility during the season.
2. Alabama loses @ Tennessee this year.....Tennessee isn't even in the top 40.
3. Joey Bosa wins the Ted Hendricks Award (best defensive lineman in college football) as a true sophomore.

Larry: 1. Everett Golson will be invited to the Heisman presentation in New York.
2. Bob Stoops and Oklahoma makes the four team playoff but loses to Bama.
3. Texas bounces back with Charlie Strong and goes 10-2 with a loss against Oklahoma in the Red River Rivalry.

G$: 1. Jerry Kill will have at least two game day seizures but will still hold onto his job as if nothing happened.  The Minnesota brass will secretly pray for him to retire but he won't because he gives no fucks.
2. Penn State will beat Ohio Buckeyes by double digits.  They didn't forget about that 500 point beating last year in Columbus and neither did the Sandusky-supportin' fans.  A guy like James Franklin won't let them forget that either.
3. Bob Stoops will blow it somehow.  Whoops--that isn't a hot take or a bold prediction.  How about this: The Miami RedHawks, fresh off an ELITE 0-12 season, will be bowl eligible.  Andrew Hendrix may not supplant BG's Matt Johnson for First Team All-MAC QB, but he will be 2nd team.
BONUS! Nibbles will not be asked back next year.  If you have 4 hours, see below.

Nibbles: 1. The best quarterback in the SEC is a sophomore in Columbia, Missouri. Maty Mauk will challenge Nick Marshall and Bo Wallace for the title of SEC’s best quarterback in 2014. While Marshall is by far the best athlete playing quarterback, Mauk’s ability to pass and read beyond the first and second progressions is unmatched. Wallace has and will rely on surrounding talent to make plays. As a freshman, Mauk nearly took down South Carolina after filling in for an injured James Franklin, taking the game into 2 overtimes. The rest of the field is either experienced garbage or just inexperienced:
o Alabama: Jacob Coker
o Florida: Jeff Driskel
o Georgia: Hutson Mason
o Kentucky: Maxwell Smith
o Vanderbilt: Patton Robinette
o South Carolina: Dylan Thompson
o Tennessee: Justin Worley
o Arkansas: Brandon Allen
o LSU: Anthony Jennings
o MSU: Dak Prescott
o A&M: Kenny Hill

2. The best conference this year is far and away the PAC-12. Although overrated at #7, the resurgence of UCLA helps tremendously. Oregon and Stanford Football will rival Auburn and Alabama as the top two in the conference. Both PAC-12 teams return more on defense, as well as returning stronger candidates at skill positions on offense. On paper, the second tier teams in the SEC (Ole Miss, South Carolina, and Georgia) seem to get the nod over PAC-12 (UCLA, USC , and Arizona State). Both Carolina and Georgia lose long time signal callers as well as star power on defense. UCLA, USC, and ASU all return Brett Hundley, Cody Kessler, and Taylor Kelly (all QB’s with high passer rating and with TD to INT ratios of at least 3-1.
3. Notre Dame misses a bowl game. The schedule is very difficult this year with what are 5 sure fire losses
(Stanford, UNC, Florida State, Arizona State, USC). Between Michigan, Navy, Northwestern, and Louisville (Petrino’s back), I see two upset losses. The team only returned 10 of 22 starters from last season (if you count Golson), and that’s before the academic scandal, which claimed two more of those starters.
4? Wisconsin will upset LSU on August 30th. Melvin Gordon III will have a chance to kick start his Heisman campaign against a young defense. Joel Stave returns as well as 4 of 5 offensive linemen. The defense must replace the entire front seven which could provide problems against LSU returning most of their offensive line. However, LSU’s loss of all skill players from last year should make it easier on Wisconsin’s defense.
5? Ole Miss will upset Alabama on October 4th. Hugh Freeze has reeled off top 10 recruiting classes for the past several years. Much of that talent has made its way into the depth chart, including a handful of Nkemdiche’s. 9 of 11 return on defense with half the offense returning at the right positions. The game is played at Biloxi this year with Bama starting a QB with zero reps to his name.
6!!! Brian Kelly gets fired before season’s end. Coupled with the poor season performance and last year’s academic fraud with Golson, it’s going to become apparent at some point that Kelly has had direct knowledge of the blatant cheating going on.(ed. note: when I say, I mean three!)

The Wig Master: 1. I have upsets penciled in for two of the early-season favorites. First, Ol Rocky Top will head into Norman on September 13th and take down the Sooners.
2. The season will end on November 29th with the Gators beating the Seminoles in Tallahassee and Muschamp will preserve his job status.
3. Here’s a hot take, Marshall will roll into Oxford this weekend and drop 60-plus on the Redhawks. Now, these things may or may not happen, I have a lot of whisky in me right now; however, I did accurately predict that Mrs. Doubtfire 2 would never be made.

So, who hates Nibbles?  6 predictions?  Jesus, that's the behavior of someone who volunteers to lead up-downs.  That is the kind of thing that gets one fired around here.  Short and strong and to the fucking point, bro!  We hand out the Heisman tomorrow as well as give props to our favorite, underrated analysts (David Pollack need not apply).

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lil' Strut's Iowa pick is a nice strong take.

LOLZ @ Larry being a bigger homer than any Buckeye person here so far this week.

Nibbles should write long-form college football articles.


Can't wait for more #ApesFibs today.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

66-6

Anonymous said...

I predict USC may start two OL freshmen. Oh that's right, it never happens.

Anonymous said...

Ohh....what a COLD take from Anon! Also, it'd be nice if Anon would have read the last two days where he would have seen that nobody ever said it "never happens" and that the comment was more about the state of Michigan's OL than Cole himself. No wonder Anon comments bugged Iceman (RIP)so much...they are OBVZ from dumb people with no testes.

I forgot to mention...JOSH SHAW FOR HEISMAN!

--Drew

Nibbles said...

I don't think I've mastered the art of a HOT TAEK yet.

Apparently, the keys are to 1.) be a tremendous asshole, 2.) keep it very brief and without any support, and 3.) incorporate as much personal bias as possible.

If I had to do it again:

-Rutgers' offensive line couldn't block Eric Legrand

GMoney said...

I'm not going to lie...I agree with you on Larry. It seems like he might be the biggest Notre Dame homer to ever be a homo. I mean, really, Golson a Heisman nom? That's insane.

What's more amusing: Josh Shaw's gigantic #IdeLie or Glenn Taylor pretty much calling Kevin Love Brian Scalabrine? For as stupid as Dan Gilbert is, at least his comic sans masterpiece didn't call LeBron a garbage basketball player. Just a bad human being.

DO NOT compliment LS for his Iowa take. That was his THIRD chance at a blurb. He sent me three goddamn edits. The last email was a complete overhaul of everything and I had to re-do his section. I hope that the Four County Area knows what it is getting into.

Anonymous said...

G$...I went and looked at some USC message boards last night and the general consensus was, "LET'S WAIT UNTIL ALL THE FACTS COME OUT"...LOLZ! You know that's exactly what they were saying the night before when they were probably ready to build a statue for their hero. College football fans are the best.

--Drew

GMoney said...

USC message boards? God, that's lame. Was Cakes there? I bet he was.

I think the important thing to remember about this Shaw fiasco is that he would have done it for ANY kid not just his own nephew.

Anonymous said...

I didn't see any OSU fans trolling their boards, so I do not believe that Cakes was there.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Drew talking about spending time on USC message boards... get a fucking life, BRAH.

So are Tigers fans nervous yet?

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow...do you read things that humor you? It was humorous to read their fans try to justify Shaw, so I enjoyed reading it. Who cares what the source of humor is? You were probably cleaning up baby shit while I was sipping on some bourbon and chuckling...I'll take that all day erryday.

I think the Tigers are definitely in trouble due to the Sanchez injury. Who knows if he'll be able to pitch again this year. Still have Price, Scherzer and Porcello...who knows what you're gonna get out of Verlander with hsi shoulder. But, without Sanchez it's not the unit that everyone was banking on. We're also missing power due to Miggy's injury. I read yesterday he's in the biggest power slump of his career. It'll be interesting to see what type of surgery he has in the off-season...I do give him credit for playing through it. Also, bullpen is still garbage. But, yes...I think they are in some trouble. Still decently confident they will make the playoffs, but they aren't the World Series favorite like they were a few weeks ago by any means.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

What academic fraud are you speaking of regarding Golson? He was caught cheating on a test and was suspend. Far from fraud but I should expect that from an Ohio fan.

Larry

Jeff said...

Clemson will win 2 of its first 3 games. That's bold considering they play at UGA and at FSU. Lots of Deshaun Watson, please.

GMoney said...

Being a double digit dog to Mark Richt the game after embarrassing Urban Meyer has to be troubling.

Drew drinks Old Crow while watching his Tigers and browsing message boards.

Dut sent me a smack text last night after the Tigers beat the Yankees (also Drew Tweeted at me). So typical of #WindiansNorth fans.

We are on Day 3 of Iceman Watch.

Anonymous said...

G$...That was just sent because of your Porcello hate even tho he's having an awesome season.

I actually drink Bulleit usually....last night was Buffalo Trace.

--Drew

Nibbles said...

Notre Dame is clearly rife with fraud of all kinds.

When the going gets tough, the tough kill off their fake girlfriends.

FAKE / CHEATING / LIES. Call it what you want. It's all fraudulent.

Anonymous said...

I thought this was bold predictions??? Isn't that suppose to be something you go out on a ledge for? Do I really think he will be invited...no but I wanted to get some discussion going on a out Notre dame rather than the usually banter about Ohio and Michigan.

Larry

Anonymous said...

Josh Shaw named in burglary report. Oh man, I hope it's true.

Iceman returned to facebook last night. Let's see if his swamp wifi is stable enough to post something awful.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Haven't heard the fake girlfriend joke before. Guess I should say something about tattoos or selling merchandise.

If a player gets caught cheating and is suspended it's not a system issue but if they're higher ups involved then yes it's fraud and Kelly will be fired.

Larry

Prime99 said...

Godson doesn't have enough GRIT to make it to the Weismann ceremony.

It'll be interesting to see how this John Shaw thing wraps up. Do we know if there is concrete info on what he really did?

GMoney said...

Shutting down the Yankees offense is not impressive. Everyone does it. I have four garbage seasons and one decent season for Ricky Pee. Let's see him do it again.

Golson will never be considered for the Weisman. True dat.

Josh Shaw is making a strong push for MS Man of the Year. We find lies honorable as long as they aren't #IdeLies or #AceFibs.

Anonymous said...

Prime...I think the only thing certain is that he didn't save his drowning nephew. How he sprained those ankles is what's up in the air.
It does seem like it was due to a fall.

--Drew

Nibbles said...

Kelly will be fired. It's obvious the system is involved in both the Golson incident as well as this most recent incident involving the four.

Deadspin releases an article exposing the Teo hoax, and the university admits it knew of the hoax prior to the article.

Notre Dame had no problem letting the Teo story continue, despite knowing it was false prior to Deadspin finding out?

Kids are falling to their deaths, Golson cheats, Hendrix is chased out by Catholic homophobes. The program is a mess and Kelly will answer for it.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at a Tigers fan talking shit after 1 win over the Yankees (who arent very good this year) when you are easily the most underachieving roster in the bigs right now. Dut is worse than Drew... FACT.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I don't think I like the fact that Slow thinks someone is worse than me. You win this round.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Nibs, don't forget about the covered-up rape and suicide!

Nibbles said...

What kind of man treasures a quicker pass rush over the life of Lizzy Seeberg?

BRIAN KELLY

Anonymous said...

All I wrote was a simple "suk it" to g$. Calm down, windians fags. The "not very good Yankees" have a better record than the windians, and are also one of the hottest teams in the league. Once again, suk it.

Nice hot taek from nibbles regarding Wisconsin bringing back their QB Stave. They announced earlier this week that he is a backup this year to a guy that played safety last year.

Larry- cheating on a test IS ACADEMIC FRAUD.

Dut

Anonymous said...

"The "not very good Yankees" have a better record than the windians, and are also one of the hottest teams in the league."

God you are the fucking worst. When were the Indians brought into this? Who cares if the Yankees have a better record than the Indians, how is that relevant at all to this argument? Indians fans know we arent good and arent making the playoffs. Oh and congrats on beating the Yankees 1 time yesterday... I know it was such a huge win since the Yankees are so hot right now LOL. Go away.

Seal

Nibbles said...

"Nice hot taek from nibbles regarding Wisconsin bringing back their QB Stave."

I agree - that's as hot as they come. Season hasn't even started yet. GIVE STAVE TIME

Nibbles said...

Another Notre Dame hot taek:

Every ethical coach at Notre Dame was a loser:

Gerry Faust
Bob Davie
Ty Willingham
Charlie Weis


Unfortunately, Brian Kelly is both unethical and a loser. That's a bad mix, Lar

Anonymous said...

G$ - after reading Dut's comments it made me think that along with COTY, you should start giving away a Worst Commenter of the Year award.

Seal

Anonymous said...

You could call it the DUT.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Let's create an award for the commentator most likely to run away like a little bitch when people disagree with him. Call it the Seal. Ya bitch


Dut

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahhhahhahhahahahahhahahahaahahahhhahahahahahahahhahhahahhahahhahaahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha.

Seal

GMoney said...

WHAT A DONNYBROOK IN THE COMMENTS TODAY! Who saw this Dut/Seal feud boiling over and scalding us all? NOT ME. I can't even really tell what it is over!

The win goes to the guy that doesn't say "suk" and Dut probably says "bae", too.

Brian Kelly is unethical and a loser, too! Love it!

T. Iceman said...

I'm still here. Arguing with Ohio Buckeye fans is exhausting so I took a little break. Plus it gave me time to convert all my Wolverine gear to Gator gear. Go Gators, amiright guys?? Carry on.

Prime99 said...

Iceman's tweet about Cakes' first kiss was phenomenal. Much more efficient entertainment than Nibbles' TAEKS.

Anonymous said...

I didn't make the last comment about Seal being a bitch, however, I fully support it and can't disagree with anything that was said. Rogue Dut made me LOLOLOLOL.

-Real Dut

Anonymous said...

I want to suck all of you dry. I'm hosting a semen cook-off today.

-REAL Real Dut

Straight Seal said...

I'm not real.

Daniel said...

GORDON SUSPENDED! Nice $7 buy G$

Prime99 said...

FREE GORDON!

Goddamn it, G$.

Nibbles said...

Could have bought 1/4 of a Sankey with that money.

Anonymous said...

Or 7/9 of a Eric Decker

Ide

GMoney said...

It was worth the risk. He was suspended when I bought him at the slave auction so nothing has changed. My team is still the best in the league unless there is another team starting two white receivers.

I'll be fine because this is MY league...unlike the Browns who are probably going to win -6 games this season.

Prime99 said...

We can all agree smoking pot is 8 times as worse as hitting a woman. It's science.

GMoney said...

And again, it is 7 bucks. Everyone but Clubber is so stupid in that league and he only isn't stupid due to ELITE cheating skills.

What could I have done with that seven dollars? Maybe bought Greg Olsen's torso?

GMoney said...

Don't think of it like that. That is only an apt analogy if Ray Rice punches his wife on 40 more occasions. Josh Gordon is a loser that can't control his thuggery AND racked up a DUI. He deserves what he got. Rice deserved more--no guff--but that isn't relatable here.

Anonymous said...

Agree with G$....that's a dumb way to look at it. Gordon knew the rules...messed up multiple times and now he's paying the price that he knew was out there.

I do feel lied to by Cakes....he was pretty sure he wasn't getting a full season.

--Drew

GMoney said...

No kidding. Cakes made it seem like he would be playing week one! WUT ELSE IS HE LYING ABOUT!

Prime99 said...

I should've misspelled more of my post to make sure my sarcasm came through. I know Gordon is a shithead. I still wanted production on my fantasy team, tho.

Cakes, Ide and Ace should have a Lie-off.

T. Iceman said...

Matt Prater only getting 4 games for being a habitual drunk driver is more relatable to Gordon's suspension. But he's white so he's also at an advantage.

GMoney said...

It makes you wonder what Janikowski has to do to get suspended. There is no way that Prater is a better drinker than Seabass.

Prime99 said...

I know over 15 people who've seen Seabass over the years- each story is the same: hammered at a blackjack table.

And unfortunately, it appears he does not own a "wine em, dine em, 69 em" hat.