|Robbie Football is still better than Brady Quinn|
I figured that this awards show could also be hosted by Drake because Drake sucks and would fit in well with our award winners tonight. Here is a fun FACT: I don't know anything about Drake the rapper. I've never heard one song of his. All I know is that he wants to blow EVERYONE in the sports world and is a Canadian. Ironically, Money Shot Man of the Year Rob Ford is a Canadian and does everyone's blow. Count it. Wait a minute--maybe the Money Shot Man of the Year should always host the IDESYs? That's a hell of an idea (Lou Brown voice). Anyway, let's hand out some hardware. Instead of a trophy, you get a regular brick. It's what you deserve as the year's worst.
Worst NFL Player - Brandon Weeden - He's Dallas's problem now!
Worst MLB Player - Nick Swisher - It doesn't get much worse than an unproductive douche bro. CHA BRAH!
Worst NBA Player - Josh Smith - He's just a loser with a terrible basketball IQ.
Worst NHL Player - Alex Ovechkin - What the fuck happened to this guy? The only thing worse than his NHL play is his international success.
Worst Comeback Performance - Robert Griffin III - I'm a straight shooter. I've got to call a spade a spade no offense. This was not a good year for RG3-13.
Worst Coach - Mike Brown - I will never, ever forget the game last year when the Cavs lost to the Lakers while LA had to play a guy who had already fouled out for the final four minutes and the Cavs still got beat handily.
Worst Assistant Coach - Luke "FagNasty" Fickell - He should be mopping jizz. People that defend this guy are lunatics.
Worst Fantasy Performance - The Iceman - In his own wedding program, he lists "Dominating Fantasy Football" as a hobby yet always finishes dead last. He did troll Ide by playing a Train song as the wedding party was leaving so that was pretty ELITE.
Worst Female Athlete - Lolo Jones - She made the Olympics in two sports! HOWEVAH, she sucked at both of them and may have been ripped in half by Suh's dong. Not a good year for America's favorite interracial "virgin".
Worst Breakthrough Performance - Andy Dalton - Bengals fans thought that he would make the leap last year. Instead, he jumped into the Rumpke landfill with one of his typical playoff stinkbombs.
Worst Record-Breaking Performance - Tiger Woods - He's been stuck on 14 majors for a coon's age. WIN SOMETHING AGAIN.
The Chris Benoit Coward Award - Daniel Snyder - He could be making a strong move by changing the Redskins team name and making America happy. Instead, he clings on to weirdo heritage claims and that the name is meant to honor and nothing makes sense. You really have to hand it to Dan regarding how delusional he is.
Worst Play of the Year - Jason Kidd's accidental spill - Kidd is a total shithead.
Worst Choke - Peyton Manning - Go figure. Sometimes it happens later than usual but Pey Pey always gags. To be clear, dude is not OVERRATED and he is ELITE, but those who call him the best of all time are straight up fucking wrong.
Worst Championship Performance - The US Men's National Team - 1-2-1! THIS WAS CONSIDERED A MONSTER SUCCESS! Look, people like to point and laugh and talk shit about the city of Cleveland and their 50 years of no titles and heartbreak. Well, Cleveland is the Boston Celtics compared to US Soccer. If pro sports was Henry County, the NFL would be Naptown and US Soccer would be Pleasant Bend. No one gives a shit and it is barely in the county. ELITE analogy. No guff...that is an ELITE analogy.
Worst Team - 2013 Miami RedHawks Football - Oh yeah, baby! Don't Treadwell, on his way up to accept his award, punted 3 times. This team will go down in the history books as one of the worst to ever play any sport. The numbers back it up. I don't even know if I watched one second half play all season of this bunch. Truly inspirational in a God awful kind of way.
Worst Athlete - Landon Donovan - No one else really came close. He was the face of a shitty team that got cut from said shitty team and then shitty team went on to be just as shitty as usual. Donovan is not only shit but he is easily replaceable feces. That's impressive.
Thank you all for coming out tonight! While some of these winners may be debated for ages, let's not forget what really matters here and that is that YOU ALL SUCK! If you have been invited to an award show named after Brooklyn's biggest douche bag then you have failed miserably and need to make serious changes. FUCK YOU, IDE.