Friday, July 18, 2014

You Can't Have The ESPYs and Not Have The IDESYs

Robbie Football is still better than Brady Quinn
If ESPN can make up their own award show that does not matter at all then why can't we do the same thing here (other than Commenter of the Year and Money Shot Man of the Year OBVZ)?  We get about the same web traffic anyway.  The ESPYs likes to celebrate all of the best and brightest of the past year in sports.  Yeah, that's great but we already know who won the titles.  What we really need is to determine who are the WORST.  Here, that question is easy because the answer is always "Ide".  And thus the IDESYs are born.  Maybe this becomes an annual thing.  Maybe these awards being annual is just another #IdeLie.  Either way, Paul Pierce is going to be there despite our lack of wheelchair ramps!

I figured that this awards show could also be hosted by Drake because Drake sucks and would fit in well with our award winners tonight.  Here is a fun FACT: I don't know anything about Drake the rapper.  I've never heard one song of his.  All I know is that he wants to blow EVERYONE in the sports world and is a Canadian.  Ironically, Money Shot Man of the Year Rob Ford is a Canadian and does everyone's blow.  Count it.  Wait a minute--maybe the Money Shot Man of the Year should always host the IDESYs?  That's a hell of an idea (Lou Brown voice).  Anyway, let's hand out some hardware.  Instead of a trophy, you get a regular brick.  It's what you deserve as the year's worst.

Worst NFL Player - Brandon Weeden - He's Dallas's problem now!
Worst MLB Player - Nick Swisher - It doesn't get much worse than an unproductive douche bro. CHA BRAH!
Worst NBA Player - Josh Smith - He's just a loser with a terrible basketball IQ.
Worst NHL Player - Alex Ovechkin - What the fuck happened to this guy? The only thing worse than his NHL play is his international success.

Worst Comeback Performance - Robert Griffin III - I'm a straight shooter. I've got to call a spade a spade no offense.  This was not a good year for RG3-13.

Worst Coach - Mike Brown - I will never, ever forget the game last year when the Cavs lost to the Lakers while LA had to play a guy who had already fouled out for the final four minutes and the Cavs still got beat handily.
Worst Assistant Coach - Luke "FagNasty" Fickell - He should be mopping jizz. People that defend this guy are lunatics.

Worst Fantasy Performance - The Iceman - In his own wedding program, he lists "Dominating Fantasy Football" as a hobby yet always finishes dead last. He did troll Ide by playing a Train song as the wedding party was leaving so that was pretty ELITE.
Worst Female Athlete - Lolo Jones - She made the Olympics in two sports! HOWEVAH, she sucked at both of them and may have been ripped in half by Suh's dong. Not a good year for America's favorite interracial "virgin".

Worst Breakthrough Performance - Andy Dalton - Bengals fans thought that he would make the leap last year. Instead, he jumped into the Rumpke landfill with one of his typical playoff stinkbombs.
Worst Record-Breaking Performance - Tiger Woods - He's been stuck on 14 majors for a coon's age. WIN SOMETHING AGAIN.

The Chris Benoit Coward Award - Daniel Snyder - He could be making a strong move by changing the Redskins team name and making America happy. Instead, he clings on to weirdo heritage claims and that the name is meant to honor and nothing makes sense. You really have to hand it to Dan regarding how delusional he is.

Worst Play of the Year - Jason Kidd's accidental spill - Kidd is a total shithead.
Worst Choke - Peyton Manning - Go figure. Sometimes it happens later than usual but Pey Pey always gags. To be clear, dude is not OVERRATED and he is ELITE, but those who call him the best of all time are straight up fucking wrong.

Worst Championship Performance - The US Men's National Team - 1-2-1! THIS WAS CONSIDERED A MONSTER SUCCESS! Look, people like to point and laugh and talk shit about the city of Cleveland and their 50 years of no titles and heartbreak. Well, Cleveland is the Boston Celtics compared to US Soccer. If pro sports was Henry County, the NFL would be Naptown and US Soccer would be Pleasant Bend. No one gives a shit and it is barely in the county. ELITE analogy.  No guff...that is an ELITE analogy.

Worst Team - 2013 Miami RedHawks Football - Oh yeah, baby! Don't Treadwell, on his way up to accept his award, punted 3 times. This team will go down in the history books as one of the worst to ever play any sport. The numbers back it up. I don't even know if I watched one second half play all season of this bunch. Truly inspirational in a God awful kind of way.

Worst Athlete - Landon Donovan - No one else really came close. He was the face of a shitty team that got cut from said shitty team and then shitty team went on to be just as shitty as usual. Donovan is not only shit but he is easily replaceable feces. That's impressive.

Thank you all for coming out tonight!  While some of these winners may be debated for ages, let's not forget what really matters here and that is that YOU ALL SUCK!  If you have been invited to an award show named after Brooklyn's biggest douche bag then you have failed miserably and need to make serious changes.  FUCK YOU, IDE.


GMoney said...

Not sure why I'm the one having to say this first but FUCK YOU, IDE again.

GMoney said...

And I am not a fan at all of the Cavs leaking that Wiggins is available two days after the new coach says that he isn't. Way to make Blatt look like an asshole AND be horrible at negotiating, CavsDan!

Prime99 said...

The Rob Ford GIF makes me crack up over and over!

Ide to a coworker today: "Yeah, my friends think I'm super awwesome. They named an award after me! Oh yeah, it's for being the best and telling the truth- stuff like that!"

G$- did you ever pick out a name for your spawn or do we have to for it to show up before we find out?

GMoney said...

I'm not announcing the name before hand. The last thing that I need is to tell people and then see the look on their face that obvz says "that is fucking stupid". We're down to the final two options anyway.

Not sure what is the matter with the rest of these asshole readers/commenters today. Is today "MSFL Champions Only" Day and I missed the memo???

Anonymous said...

Rob Ford GIF is pure gold.

No qualms with the award list but Brohio is going to go HAM on the Tigers this weekend...LOLZ I could not type that with a straight face. But, yeah, the Tribe is beginning their 2nd half surge tonight!

G$, I was able to get out of umpiring tomorrow due to using the classic excuse of "last minute family issue."

Last minute family issue = Getting drunk at Put-In-Bay


GMoney said...

What's up in Put-In-Bay this weekend other than "lots of sluts"?

After yesterday's post, using that excuse might be some bad karma. Has the Jet Express ever cap-sized? It might be due.

Anonymous said...

Family issue could mean a number of things. Not all are bad, but I admit this is pushing it.

Berger's wife's 30th bday party. We are staying in a hotel off the island, which is a first for me. Missing the last boat is a distinct possibility so finding the most comfortable park bench will be key.


Grumpy said...

I'm impressed you're familiar with Mt. Rumpke.

Anonymous said...

park bench = fat chick?

Sorry Damman, I love ya buddy, but you set yourself up for that one...


T. Iceman said...

I don't think Peyton manning is the best of all time. He's just better than Eli and it's time for you to admit that.

This is my fantasy bounce back year. I have the optimism of a Browns fan.

You should have Ide host the Idesys so in between awards he can tell lie stories about all the famous people he has sleepovers with.

Prime99 said...

Does Rob Ford do a Matt Foley impression 24/7?

Iceman's ready to DOMINATE again this year!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I was waiting for someone to knock that one out of the park, Seal. Figured Iceman would be all over that.


GMoney said...

I wasn't singling you out there. It's more of the national media who never say anything bad about Peyton's love of January fails.

Award presenters should be people that Ide has lied about being BFFs with.

Anonymous said...

It's laughable to think that I tell anyone about this blog. Its akin to admitting you blow alter boys.


Prime99 said...

Finally, Ide admits to blowing alter boys. At least he tells the TRUF occasionally.

GMoney said...

Even I don't tell people about this site. That's how ashamed I am of everything but the M/W/F content.

GMoney said...

Tiger Woods...ouch.

By the way, it's about time for our College Football Preview Week contributors to start doing their homework. Just sayin'!

And Fantasy Football Friday is right around the corner. If Iceman truly wants to leave the basement, maybe he should pay attention and not throw his reputation on CJ SpiLOLer.

T. Iceman said...

Even the greats make mistakes every once in awhile. Spiller really made me look like a dumb.