Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The MoneyShot Home Run Derby

MoneyShot Home Run Derby Trophy

So after G$'s mildly ELITE home run derby post, I started thinking.  Who would win a home run derby out of the commenter section?  Let's split up teams and find out.  (For the record, that All Time Napoleon Little League Team talked about in the comments late yesterday needs to be created)  There will be three teams of five players each, picked by the three writers of this ground breaking blog.  Since I thought of this idea last minute, I'm just picking guys I think G$ and Ace would want on their teams instead of actually asking them.  I pick first because I'm the best writer here.  But first, let's assess the talent with my MoneyShot player profiles.

Pros: Hates Seal.  Can get under almost anyone's skin.  Drinks a lot of beer resulting in a decent derby physique.
Cons: Sexually obsessed with 17 year old black athletes.  Searches Internet for Urban Meyer nudes.  Beats off to Thad Matta nudes when he comes up empty.

Pros: Is a home run derby legend.  Played under the tutelage of Walt Behrman.  One of the few people here who actually played high school baseball (I think).
Cons: Wants to smell John Manziel's boner.  Chubby chaser.  Would take a Paul Keels load deep inside his anus.

Pros: Misplaced sense of self confidence.
Cons: Lies about everything.  Will probably say he once struck out Mike Trout on 3 straight pitches.  Will probably also say he can throw a 100MPH fastball with his non dominant hand.  Definitely won't hit a ball out of the infield.

Pros: None
Cons: Runs a 6 flat 40 yard dash on a good day.  Is the Milhouse of the MoneyShot.  Wants a Gordon/Manziel 3-way.  Biggest sports homer alive.  Plays golf alone.  Oddly obsessed with the weather.  Snow gets his dick harder than a naked woman does.

Pros: Saw Honus Wagner play live. Will probably bring Werthers or Cracker Jack with him to the park.  Has played on white only ball fields.  Could die on the field.
Cons: Fucking old.  Likes to fuck oak trees.  Steeler fan; endorses rape.  Stamina low due to being over 100 years old.  Could die on the field.

Pros: Perfectly sculpted 5 o'clock shadow looks drawn on by a sharpie.
Cons: Metrosexual.  Will spend more time taking selfies with his exclusive.  Will ask you to remove the robot security from the blog so he can comment more then won't show up.  Reminds me of Steve Polychronopolous.  Most likely owns a lot of v-neck tshirts.

Pros: Whitest guy on the blog means probably the most fundamentally sound mechanics.  More of a Clemson fan than a Buckeye fan.
Cons: Steeler fan; endorses rape.  Supports the Buckeyes in at least a limited role.  Eats his own boogers.

Pros: Tall.  Tall guys usually hit pretty well.  Natural AFFLETE who called Coach Carter the N-word. Nap town roots that breeds a winning mentality.
Cons: West coast faggot that got soft from beach life.  Told an #IdeLie about a fictional game called "Line Ball" yesterday.  Whiskey snob.

Pros: Has the rage of a serial killer.  Has scored a hole in one on the golf course (has to count for something).  Hates Drew.
Cons: Indians fan; supports failure.  Loves to fuck horses watch the Kentucky Derby.  Attended Kentucky so is most likely inbred.

The Wild Cards:  I don't know much about these players so I will assume they all have roughly the same skill set.
Ohio Nate

Now let's choose the sides.  The order will be Iceman, G$ then Ace.

Round 1
Iceman chooses Damman
G$ chooses Prime
Ace chooses Drew

Round 2
Iceman chooses Seal
G$ chooses Jeff
Ace chooses Ide

Round 3
Iceman chooses Cakes
G$ chooses Grumpy
Ace chooses Dut

Round 4
Iceman chooses Larry
G$ chooses Nibbles
Ace chooses Ohio Nate (Mr. Irrelevant)

Clearly Team Iceman is the winner of this draft by snagging legendary derby player and consensus #1 overall, Damman.  I probably reached a little for Seal in round 2 but I needed that insanity edge that Seal brings with his blind Hulk rage.  Cakes fucks up once and I'll replace him with Tonya.  Or a bag of my turds.  And I'm just hoping that Larry has picked up a baseball bat at least once in his life.  Team Iceman taking home the MoneyShot Golden Dick Trophy for sure!  Look on the bright side...this could have been a basketball post.


Grumpy said...

We're using horse hide balls, right?

GMoney said...

This should be a snake draft. You don't deserve the first pick in every round, dammit! I'll take my squadron though.

Prime - learned under Kim Brown!
Jeff - Better than Cousin Clubber!
Grumpy - Founded the Negro Leagues!
Nibbles - Backyard Baseball participant

This team has promise. And if you suck, I'll cut you in more ways than one.

Really dynamite bios on all of the participants though.

GMoney said...

By the way, since the Home Run Derby took four goddamn hours last night, you may not have been awake for my live-tweeting of the celebrity softball game. What a game!

*Nelly wins his second MVP award which is amazing because he didn't even get to the stadium until five minutes before the game apparently. Two appearances in this game and two MVPs. ELITE!

*James Denton is hilariously awful and tries so hard.

*You need to find a video or GIF of Fat Joe running the bases. You will absolutely not be disappointed.

*John Anderson and Aaron Boone called Andrew Zimmern "Zimmerman" AT LEAST 30 times. Fantastic because that guy is a weirdo.

*HOT TAEK ALERT: They need to stop inviting the Wounded Warriors. They do not fit into the criteria of the event. They are neither legends nor celebrities. Stay home and bring in more rappers please.

*Adrian Peterson was the worst player on field. Worse than the women. That was a weird thing to see. I felt bad for him.

*I really hope that Jennie Finch and January Jones had a postgame scissor sesh. (Gerald) Rollie Fingers was probably secretly filming it.

Can't wait for next year. Isn't the ASG in Cincy? If so, I'm going to start a petition get reigning AVN Female Performer of the Year and Cincy native, Bonnie Rotten, on one of the teams. She will be a crowd favorite for sure.

Anonymous said...

Well done Iceman...you got some laughs out of me.

LOLZ at the thought of Bonnie Rotten in the celebrity game. That would be amazing.


Mr. Ace said...

Definitely nailed a lot of those bios. Especially Duts.

There is no way I'm taking I'd 2nd round. I would have been targeting Jeff, Lange and Larry for their baseball prowess. I would added Nibbles as our manager tho. That guy is a pony league legend.

Nibbles said...

Mr. Ace,

If you consider Pete Rose a managerial legend, then I guess I'm a legend of Napoleon Pony League Baseball.

Still serving my lifetime ban for serving pizza to the kids during the sixth inning stretch of a blowout.

GMoney said...

Nibbles seems like he would be big into sabermetrics. Not sure if that would help in a Derby but it couldn't hurt.

Between Bonnie and LeBron, it seems to me like Ohio is currently the best state in America. Go ahead and try to argue this.

GMoney said...

Not sure if Iceman realizes his mistake that will cost him Derby glory. His first three picks were Damman, Seal, and Cakes AKA ROLL DAMN TRIBE!

When you build your team around those blatantly racist fans, you are guaranteed to lose. GUARANSHEED. Terrible GM-manship there.

Prime99 said...

Team G$ is filled with STREMPH and LEMPH. We are not to be fucked with.

My credentials also include tons of post-college whiffle ball home run derby and men's softball league. While currently retired, I would certainly be prepared for Team G$.

I saw some of the CSBG last night. Jennie Finch coming in in relief is old. GIVE IT A REST ESPN. She was pitching to Sway which is also dumb that he's considered a celebrity.

Anonymous said...

Haha awesome.

LOL'd at...

Cakes: Pro's - none.

Team #windians + Iceman. Very surprised you would do that to yourself.


T. Iceman said...

I don't think there has been a truer statent on this blog than Dut = Steve Polychronopolous. Overall these bios were surprisingly easy to write.

Every team has their flaw, G$. Our flaw is 3/5 of our team owns Carlos Baerga pajamas. Shouldn't effect the product on the field. And you can't snake a 3 man draft. Pro sports don't snake. There's a thought...what if pro drafts were snake format? Not sure if I like or hate that idea. Probably hate since that format is not good for a team that always sucks. Like the Browns.

Just throwing this out there today. Has everyone seen the new national chmpionshop trophy? It looks like a golden pussy.

Nibbles is Pony League Pete Rose? I could be interested in a trade....

GMoney said...

I think that you nailed the essence of Ide perfectly.

GMoney said...

That new trophy is a tad odd. It's a good thing that it didn't debut last year otherwise Jameis Winston would have raped it.

Urban Meyer will never own one of those. I'm talking about the trophy BTW, not the rape.

T. Iceman said...

My only demand is that Seal and Drew pitch to each other. The pitches would gradually get faster and closer to the body until both guys are trying to explode each other with a heater like on baseball simulator 1.000.

T. Iceman said...

The #IdeLies examples were a lot longer but they were dominating this post and that wasn't fair to the other players. I has to omit gems like: claims he taught Mariano Rivera how to throw a breaking ball. Says he was actually the one who officially proposed instant replay to Bud Selig. Tells people he hit 3 softballs over the Green Monster last week.

Anonymous said...

I'm honored to be the first pick. Luckily, BEEFS principals will translate to any sport.

Tom Hamilton will need to be the play by play guy for this event. Much better than Chris Berman.

LOL at Carlos Baerga pj's.

I did name my dog Carlos back in the day. He was brown though so it worked.

I caught the 1st inning of the celebrity game last night after the insanely long derby finally ended. I saw Denton make a diving stop at 3rd that was hilarious and then saw Rickey do this home run trot. I dvr'd it so I can catch the rest of the awesomeness at some point.


T. Iceman said...

Tom Hamilton can't announce this. 60% of my team won't be able to swing the bat due to raging boners.

GMoney said...

This feels like a game destined to be called by Suzyn Waldman and John Sterling.


T. Iceman said...

Speaking of announcers and Chris Berman...last night Deadspin tweeted out some videos of Berman reading from his Cuss Book from 10 years ago. I couldn't believe that was the first time I ever saw those.

Anonymous said...

I thoroughly believe that G$ has the same swing of Bartolo Colon.


Jeff said...

Good stuff here.
Some questions that need to be addressed:

Will Mo Rivera come out of retirement to be an honorary ball shagger?

Who will be pounding on the war drum between every pitch?

Ide would make a great human L-screen.

Cakes said...

NO PRO'S!? Come on, man. I played three years of varsity baseball. Sure, I hit in the bottom third of the lineup and didn't have a ton of power but my GRIT made up for it.

I made it through the first round of the derby last night before falling asleep. Looks like I missed nothing.

Prime99 said...

Cakes has no pros yet is drafted ahead of many other participants by the guy who wrote up the analysis. Iceman drafts like Harry Carey books guests on his science show: "Albert Einstein has been dead for 42 years? We'll try to get him anyway!"

T. Iceman said...

I wasn't taking a wildcard over a player with an actual bio, Prime. And Cakes seemed like the best option over a guy who could die on the field and a stubbled wiener who would show up in an Armani suit.

GMoney said...

Iceman loves Cakes. That's all I need to know. Probably can't get enough of his cream frosting.

BTW, this Derby is taking place at Glenwood over the 4th so that the entirety of the Double Fence parking lot is filled to the brim with windshields.

T. Iceman said...

I just noticed a huge design flaw of my team. Too many Seinfeld fags. Probably spend more time rehashing unfunny quotes from old episodes than hitting dingers.

Tonya said...

Thanks, dick.