MoneyShot Home Run Derby Trophy
So after G$'s mildly ELITE home run derby post, I started thinking. Who would win a home run derby out of the commenter section? Let's split up teams and find out. (For the record, that All Time Napoleon Little League Team talked about in the comments late yesterday needs to be created) There will be three teams of five players each, picked by the three writers of this ground breaking blog. Since I thought of this idea last minute, I'm just picking guys I think G$ and Ace would want on their teams instead of actually asking them. I pick first because I'm the best writer here. But first, let's assess the talent with my MoneyShot player profiles.
Pros: Hates Seal. Can get under almost anyone's skin. Drinks a lot of beer resulting in a decent derby physique.
Cons: Sexually obsessed with 17 year old black athletes. Searches Internet for Urban Meyer nudes. Beats off to Thad Matta nudes when he comes up empty.
Pros: Is a home run derby legend. Played under the tutelage of Walt Behrman. One of the few people here who actually played high school baseball (I think).
Cons: Wants to smell John Manziel's boner. Chubby chaser. Would take a Paul Keels load deep inside his anus.
Pros: Misplaced sense of self confidence.
Cons: Lies about everything. Will probably say he once struck out Mike Trout on 3 straight pitches. Will probably also say he can throw a 100MPH fastball with his non dominant hand. Definitely won't hit a ball out of the infield.
Cons: Runs a 6 flat 40 yard dash on a good day. Is the Milhouse of the MoneyShot. Wants a Gordon/Manziel 3-way. Biggest sports homer alive. Plays golf alone. Oddly obsessed with the weather. Snow gets his dick harder than a naked woman does.
Pros: Saw Honus Wagner play live. Will probably bring Werthers or Cracker Jack with him to the park. Has played on white only ball fields. Could die on the field.
Cons: Fucking old. Likes to fuck oak trees. Steeler fan; endorses rape. Stamina low due to being over 100 years old. Could die on the field.
Pros: Perfectly sculpted 5 o'clock shadow looks drawn on by a sharpie.
Cons: Metrosexual. Will spend more time taking selfies with his exclusive. Will ask you to remove the robot security from the blog so he can comment more then won't show up. Reminds me of Steve Polychronopolous. Most likely owns a lot of v-neck tshirts.
Pros: Whitest guy on the blog means probably the most fundamentally sound mechanics. More of a Clemson fan than a Buckeye fan.
Cons: Steeler fan; endorses rape. Supports the Buckeyes in at least a limited role. Eats his own boogers.
Pros: Tall. Tall guys usually hit pretty well. Natural AFFLETE who called Coach Carter the N-word. Nap town roots that breeds a winning mentality.
Cons: West coast faggot that got soft from beach life. Told an #IdeLie about a fictional game called "Line Ball" yesterday. Whiskey snob.
Pros: Has the rage of a serial killer. Has scored a hole in one on the golf course (has to count for something). Hates Drew.
Cons: Indians fan; supports failure. Loves to
fuck horses watch the Kentucky Derby. Attended Kentucky so is most likely inbred.
The Wild Cards: I don't know much about these players so I will assume they all have roughly the same skill set.
Now let's choose the sides. The order will be Iceman, G$ then Ace.
Iceman chooses Damman
G$ chooses Prime
Ace chooses Drew
Iceman chooses Seal
G$ chooses Jeff
Ace chooses Ide
Iceman chooses Cakes
G$ chooses Grumpy
Ace chooses Dut
Iceman chooses Larry
G$ chooses Nibbles
Ace chooses Ohio Nate (Mr. Irrelevant)
Clearly Team Iceman is the winner of this draft by snagging legendary derby player and consensus #1 overall, Damman. I probably reached a little for Seal in round 2 but I needed that insanity edge that Seal brings with his blind Hulk rage. Cakes fucks up once and I'll replace him with Tonya. Or a bag of my turds. And I'm just hoping that Larry has picked up a baseball bat at least once in his life. Team Iceman taking home the MoneyShot Golden Dick Trophy for sure! Look on the bright side...this could have been a basketball post.