Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Math: Please Excuse My Emo


Disclaimer: This is a rambling, wandering, personal, pointless, and selfish post. But there isn't anything else that I can possibly spend more than two minutes thinking about without my mind drifting back to the issue at hand. So I apologize in advance if this wasn't what you were hoping for today.

I get lost in my own head a lot. I can drive for hours by myself with the radio off and be perfectly content because I can just be there and go through every angle of every situation in life. And driving up the rocky coast of Maine, sun shining, waves crashing, and windows down with Mrs. Ace passed out in the passenger seat is the perfect storm for me to get completely lost in my mind. Vacations are good for this sort of thing.

As I mentioned briefly in the comments last week, I found out I would be the target of a Children's Services investigation...for NOT restraining a client who was NOT a threat to himself or anyone around him. And during these types of investigations your organization totally abandons you. No communication, internal investigation, no assistance while speaking with CS, and a steadily increasing distance between you and your supervisor. I can't go into details, but it's total bullshit. It's especially total bullshit because I have called CS several times in the past about concerns over my own clients home lives only to have them do nothing and clients go on continuing to be abused because the system is so fucked. Like having a client who was sexually abused, and has now admitted to doing those same acts to a younger sibling, and CS doesn't even attempt to remove this client from that environment. That is what we call neglect, but apparently it doesn't apply to them. Being in a position of direct care, but not having the power or authority to do anything to help your client's do anything other than survive is a real fucking trip. But that's not what this post is about.

What the fuck do I really want to do? That's the thought that really dominates my mind on those lonely drives, especially with the potential change in employment status looming. And depending on the time or day there could be a million answers.

I want to get the fuck out of Ohio for no reason in particular.

I want to start a charter school because most of the ones around here are shit and just a money grab. Watching struggling kids fall through the cracks just to be ignored and struggle even more is frustrating.

I want to buy a bunch land outside of the city and open a dog rescue. That's a pretty fucking silly dream. Even sillier, I want to open a dog rescue attached to a restaurant/pub, so people can get buzzed and decide to take a dog home. Irresponsible and silly. But man I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about that possibility every single day.

The grass is always greener, right?

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Tuesday morning I was going through my usual blog roll and read Grumpy's post from Monday. Here's a excerpt:
"Over the July 4th weekend friends who now live in Las Vegas came to Cincinnati to visit with their 4 month old son. The paternal grandparents had people over Saturday night to meet the baby and congratulate the new parents in person. Really cute kid, very photogenic and nary a complaint while being passed among strangers. But here's what I was thinking: In 18 yrs., when Jake graduates from high school, I likely won't be there to see it. It's simple math, really. It's how I've started to view the future, by doing the math."
Sunday night I got a call my mom saying she was taking my dad to the ER because he has had indigestion for over 12 hours and can't get rid of the discomfort in his chest. At about midnight I got another call saying he was being transferred to a heart and vascular hospital in Toledo because it's obviously more serious than indigestion. Now this isn't anything new to us. My dad had a triple aortic bypass in '07 and two subsequent hernia operations, both full of complications. So him being transferred wasn't a huge shock. But it's obviously something. My dad is one tough and stubborn SOB who has been through hell and back in his life. From being an orphan, to a child whose only purpose was a farmhand, to Vietnam, and beyond, he's been through the gauntlet. And if he agrees to go to the hospital it's a concern.

Monday afternoon my mom calls, stumbling over every word trying to hold back tears because she still thinks I'm 12 when it comes to things like this, saying it's serious. She doesn't need to say anything else. I tell my supervisor I'm leaving and won't be back tomorrow and not sure about the rest of the week. I didn't need to wait for her response, I was on auto-pilot. I'm sure any child would do the same in this situation, but as an only child it's not even a decision. You just fucking do it.

As I arrive at the hospital we are just getting the official news; open heart surgery. Fuck. Right before I get into the room the surgeon decides to tell my mom, "this procedure will lengthen his life". He walks out and she is fucking hysterical. How the fuck are we supposed to take that? Lengthen his life? That's something I expect to hear when somebody is terminal and trying to live for another 6 months. Not MY dad.

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So my dad is sitting in his hospital, disgusted that he has to sit there for 4 days waiting for surgery. A nurse comes into the room and asks to check his EKG or some medical bullshit. Before she does it, she asks if it would be okay if a couple nursing students came in to observe. He obliges.

Nurse: "Come a little closer, I'm just going to hook these clamps his port. It won't effect anything." (Hooks clamp)
My Dad: "(While convulsing uncontrollably)ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!"
All the students jump back and the nurse lets out a squeak.

He's getting his money's worth if they are keeping him in that hellhole.

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The Math.

I get lost in my own mind a lot. Since Monday I have had a conversation with a surgeon about my dad dying at least 30 times in my head. Anything can spark it and it's the exact same conversation every time. And I know it's coming but I feel like I shouldn't stop myself because it's something that I need to be prepared for. The surgeon said this operation has about a 98% success rate, but I'll be damned if I can think about anything other than that 2% right now. 

My dad is 66. The average male who lives to be 65 can expect to live to be 84 years old. With his previous health issues I have to think he would find himself in the below average group. Even if by some miracle Mrs. Ace pushed out a baby this morning, my dad still probably wouldn't see my son graduate high school. That's a real fucking sobering truth. It's not like this is the first time I have ever thought about these things. And I'm sure most of you guys have had similar thoughts. But when that reality is staring you dead in the face and there's no way you can brush it aside it's a tough pill to swallow.

By the time most of you read this my dad will be in the middle of surgery. And that's about the only thing that I can predict as far as the next few days go. Hopefully I'm just being a pussy and my dad will be out of the hospital in four days. But he has a knack for turning 4 day stays into 8 day nightmares. But hey, here's to hoping.
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The majority of us are around that age where our parents' eventual demise is becoming more unavoidable to our conscience. I can't even imagine what that might feel like while having a kid to think about on the complete opposite end of that spectrum. I don't really think there is a good way to end this. But if you made it through all of this your reward is proof that Ide has went full hipster on us.


I appreciate your well wishes in advance. And if you're the praying type, feel free to pray that the surgeon is fucking nails today.

28 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

Whooooo. That was a real fucking downer. The surgery will happen at 8ish. So I have to entertain myself for the next 6 hours.

How about some MS FL talk? I still need to find a replacement for Fagnasty. I will open up the prestigious position here to any commenters first. Also the date I have in mind right now for that draft is September 2nd, two days before the season kicks off.

Grumpy said...

I'm not much for praying, but I'll be thinking about you today.

Jeff said...

Good luck, Ace. Getting old sure does suck.

GMoney said...

Whoa...well that explains where you have been all week. I withdraw my complaint about your lack of commenting.

For once, I agree with a lot of what you right. Some may find it morbid but being #realtalk with yourself is the smart play.

Good luck, Big Ace.

Speaking of dogs and dog shelters, I'm sure that we all saw the Browns are putting a giant fucking mastiff on the sidelines for every home game now. Rothman had a good idea about how they should do this. Bring a new mastiff in from a shelter every week and then remind everyone at the game that today's mascot who pissed on Andy Dalton is up for adoption. That would be ELITE PR. Instead of one dog that will eventually die like all the UGAs before him, keep rotating them in and make a difference. Good idea IMO.

My mom broke her arm the other day because she fell down. Really glad she got this out of the way before holding my kid for the first time.

Anonymous said...

Best of luck to you and your family, Ace.

Seal

GMoney said...

If we are going to discuss the MSFL then we need to talk about the champion...ME. I set the bar high by going 14-1 but an undefeated 2014 seems pretty easy considering the competition.

Prime99 said...

I hope everything is ok with both your family and job, Ace. Rough stuff.

I'm in for September 2nd. As a former champion (should've been back to back, fuck you, Damman and Seattle D!) I'm excited to get the season rolling and dethrone G$. Please get Cakes in the league! His fantasy credentials speak for themselves.

Mr. Ace said...

Again, thanks for the well wishes. Being able to put that all down in front of me definitely helps relieve some of those negative thoughts and anxieties.

G$ I heard Rothman talking about the mascot but didn't hear his shelter dog idea. It is excellent though. Something that a lot of sports teams could adopt even if not associated with a dog mascot. Some sort of "Dog of the Day" thing for every game would be awesome.

You're OVERRATED as far as the MSFL is concerned, though.

Nibbles said...

The Candy Lineup can commit to September 2.

GMoney said...

That last sentence that you wrote makes me root for Child Services to throw you in prison, bruh. How dare you!

People have always underestimated how cathartic blogging can be. It's better than yoga.

I plan on live-blogging from the Delivery Room by the way. Probably won't happen but that is the plan. No it isn't. She$ would murder me and I don't want her to collect on my life insurance policy...yet.

Anonymous said...

You probably shouldn't have put that kid's peni in your mouf if you wanted to avoid dealing with CS.

Best of luck to your Dad.

The Lions should put a real life Lion in the opponent's end zone...and rotate him every switch of field. This would scare the shit out of opponent's offensive playmakers...and if any of the Lions shitty DB's were to ever return an INT for a TD there is a chance they would die.

--Drew

GMoney said...

And you know that ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER or DadBoner (two ELITE Lions fans) would adopt those game-used lions.

Grumpy said...

Ray Allen to the Cavs?

T. Iceman said...

Seeing your dad in a position of vulnerability is certainly a hard thing to stomach. That's the guy who's always been the one you can lean on when you can't stand on your own 2 feet. Always there. No questions asked. I know because I went through something similar with my dad 10 years ago when he had cancer. I'll be praying for you, Ace. Dads are tough motherfuckers. I'm sure he's gonna be just fine.

I'm in for the MSFL.

Anonymous said...

Best wishes, Ape. My dad has had 3heart attacks, so I know seeing your dad in bad shape is not a lot of fun. I'm sure Big Ape will pounding beers with my dad again at the Legion in no time.

In for MSFL

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Good luck to your dad. Hope everything goes well.

I agree with you iceman. Dads are always there for you regardless of the circumstances. The only time I see my dad emotional is when we found out my grandpa had cancer, when my grandpa had complications with his surgery and anytime we speak about his brother who is deceased.

Larry

T. Iceman said...

So we have one spot available for the MoneyShot Fantasy League. Larry? Cakes? Interested? $50 (I think) to join.

Anonymous said...

When is the draft and what kind of draft is it?

Larry

GMoney said...

Iceman, you're out of your element here. This is not your call to make. It is Ape's.

And since we are talking about dads, just a reminder that holier than thou Tony Dungy is a terrible one.

Nibbles said...

Are we doing a remote draft or in person draft?

Prime99 said...

As much as is love to fly to Ohio on a Tuesday, I'll be doing it remotely.

Mr. Ace said...

Update: Big Ace is out of surgery and doing well.

As far as MSFL goes...this is a strictly online draft. I am not opposed to those in Columbus gathering somewhere for it, but everything is online. It is an auction style draft. Buy in is 40...or 50. I can't remember. Draft will likely be Sept 2 starting at around 9pm est.

T. Iceman said...

What do you mean I'm out of my element? I'm getting results so we aren't scrambling last minute for a replacement. Go back to your King James Sperm Smoothie.

Prime99 said...

Buy in has been $40, but I'm ok with raising it to $50.

Glad your dad is going well, Ace.

T. Iceman said...

I'm good with $50...but we better clear it with G$ first. Don't want to be out of my element again.

GMoney said...

If there is one thing that Ape does not need, it is help running the MSFL. He has done a--dare I say--ELITE job as cummish. My championship "SECOND MILE" t-shirt agrees.

I applauded him for not putting up with FagNasty's shit and just booting his ass out of the league. It was the only way.

It only makes sense for this draft to be online since being online is how we all met/stay in contact. SYNERGY.

Get well get well soon we want you to get well, Big Ape.

Anonymous said...

Good post. Glad things went well for your dad.
-Ohio Nate

T. Iceman said...

$100 says Ide's frames don't have lenses in them.