Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Futures of Football

welp

Quick update on Big Ace: He's began to curse more and more everyday at his nurses and Dr.'s, which is a great sign. Like I said, my dad tends to turn 4 day stays into 8 day nightmares and this one was no exception. There were two days where everything was going wrong; low blood pressure, retaining fluids, needing oxygen, and a mention of heart failure. Then the next day he got some tiny Vietnamese lady as his nurse and she totally fucking owned him for 12 hours straight. Wouldn't let him lay in bed, constantly made him use the breathing machine, and making him walk the floor with a walker. That lady is a saint. So he's on the mend and thinks he should have went home yesterday...but will probably be going home Saturday.

I just got back into Columbus yesterday so I'm not gonna go too crazy with today's post. I spent a lot of time sitting in the hospital scrolling through Twitter the past week. The NFL is beginning to pick up steam on my timeline and that can only mean one thing; IT'S GAMBLING TIME! I think I'm going to go for broke this year and just become a professional gambler. Because fuck a 9-5, I'm trying to live like I'm slangin crack rock or got a wicked jump shot. So here are some future plays that I will be putting my money on. (I am using Bookmaker for all these odds) Here is a link for all the odds.

First lets look at some Over/Unders:
Bills 6.5- I have seen the Bills getting some love as a sleeper pick to be a wildcard team in the AFC. I'm not seeing it. They need another year to get better, and another year for the Pats to get older. UNDER

Bengals 9- I see Dalton crumbling under all this pressure in a contract year. I think everybody in that division will be better this year as well. UNDER

Cowboys 8- LOLZ. UNDER

Eagles 9- I expect big things this year. OVER

Redskins 7.5- The NFC East is going to be bad this year outside of the Eagles. The Redskins' offense should be near ELITE. OVER

Division Winners: Now this isn't about just picking out winners. We're looking for value here.
AFC South: Colts -150. I know I just got done talking about value, but this is just about as big of a lock as there is. That division is bad. The Colts are good.

NFC East: This is the Eagles division IMO, but I can see the Skins surprising some people. I absolutely do not see the Cowboys or Giants doing anything. So I'd take the Eagles +132(3 units) and the Redskins +364(1 unit). So lets say I bet $300 to win $396 on the Eagles and $100 to win $364 on the Redskins. Looks like a guaranteed win to me.

NFC West: Arizona Cardinals +853. VALUE! This division is tough from top to bottom. Arizona was 10-6 and lost at least 3 games by 3 points or less. Again, I know the division is tough, but I feel like this team can make a jump.

Conference Winners:
AFC: Broncos +184, Colts +934, and Jets +3021.
Yes, betting on the Jets is a bit crazy, but I'll take 30/1 odds on a defense that is going to be Top 5 in the NFL. And the Broncos are the current favorites to win the Super Bowl, so I think almost 2/1 to win the conference is a good price.

NFC: 49ers +420, Packers +600, and Panthers +1950.
No, I didn't forget something, I don't like the Eagles at +1350. The NFC East is horrible, not the entire NFC. I do think the Seahawks fall back a bit, if only because I don't think the universe will smile upon Pete Carroll two years in a row. And HarBRAH always has his team playing well at the end of the regular season. And Cammy Cam potentially blowing up is worth 20/1.

Super Bowl:
The only team that I see value in from the AFC is the Colts +2487. I don't think the Super Bowl winner is coming out of the AFC so I'm not taking low odds for the Patriots or the Colts. The Packers +1150 and 49ers +744.

So if you're scoring from home you will see that I'd be a YUGE fan of a Colts vs Packers/49ers Super Bowl...and I don't see that as too much of a long shot.

Here are my predictions for the comments:
G$ is shocked by my Skins love, still loves RG3 cock.
Grump predicts Big Ben MVP and Steelers Super Bowl, still loves to eat pussy.
Cakes places all his money on the Browns...Iceman loses his shit.
Drew thinks the Lions are a great value, forgets who coaches his team.
Prime thinks Cutty will pull it off this year...and he fucking better because he has no excuses anymore.
Ide has google searched the pros of charcoal grilling and will be pissed nobody cares.

And I'm Out.

30 comments:

Grumpy said...

Steelers win AFC North.

If you didn't read Twitter this morning, Tom & Chee just opened in Pickerington; grilled cheese and tomato soup. Plus a grilled cheese donut.

GMoney said...

It's easy to forget who is coaching the Lions when they still haven't named a coach yet. I assume that those Jim Caldwell rumors were just rumors.

I am not shocked by your Skins love because everyone loves the Skins.

I do have to laugh at your Eagles nonsense. There is a 100% chance that they don't win the division. Why? Because they don't play Dallas in week 17. Whoever plays Dallas in week 17 ALWAYS wins the division. Well, look at that...HAIL!

Your Hammers of the Week last year was a very unsuccessful and unprofitable weekly feature. My MAC Glory Hole of the Week flourished per usual.

Jeff said...

Commenting from a phone sucks and so does training and having tons of meetings, but I guess that's what i get for leaving a job where my owner was bff with MJ.

Steelers will win the Norf. Don't know the odds, but Shazier for Def rookie of the year has to be great value!

Anonymous said...

Did anyone actually come out in the black during last football season?

Probably not.

Jeff, did you actually bring up the MJ story? I'd love to hear his take on it.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Know your audience, Brah... no odds on the Browns, Steelers, or Bears, who I think the majority of this site roots for? No one cares about your boner for the Eagles.

Yep I am going to be a dick again.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Or the Lions... not that anyone cares about Drew.

Jeff said...

Angry seal is the best seal.

Ide, he was out of the office my whole last week so I never got to bring it up. Will make for a good awkward story if I ever drop in to the hospitality center during the memorial and ask clients if he ever got them MJs autograph.

Anonymous said...

College football odds would have been more interesting.

Caldwell is the next Belichick.

G$...you never answered my Torg question yesterday.

Cakes...looks like the Tigers read your comment about the bullpen...thanks BRAH!

--Drew

GMoney said...

I am so sorry about that, Drew. I actually listened to some of Torg's show yesterday morning as well. It was not good. I mean, he's still a million times better than TBone, but he sucks. He was giving away Joan Jett tickets or something and I was just like "PASS. I'd rather listen to Greeny's Jets takes".

College Football Preview Week is coming up in less than a month. You've waited this long. You can wait a little longer.

I've got Drew, Damman, Wig Master, GSaul, and I'm still going to ask Li'l Strut to contribute if he wants (if he passes on this terrific campaign opportunity, I will seek @LilJohnHarbaugh). I think that that is it. I'm pretty sure that I fired Dut. If I didn't, YOU'RE FIRED (Vince McMahon voice). It is always a solid week.

Mr. Ace said...

I put the link up for the odds you lazy fucks. I didn't post those odds because I didn't have a strong feeling either way on them.

But here:
Bears O/U 8.5
Browns 6.5
Lions 8.5
Steelers 8.5

Unders for everybody.

GMoney said...

That is a very odd Browns line. The team almost always wins 4 games and they want people to bet that they can win 7?

I like the Raiders over 4.5. Getting rid of Terrelle Pryor is worth at least 5 wins.

Prime99 said...

Do any of your QBs have a conversion van? Didn't think so. Bears- OVER 8.5.

Your lack of full bet commitment to the Eagles is pretty disappointing. I have a feeling Chip is not impressed with you as a fan.

GMoney said...

YES, PRIME, YES I DO. Kirk Cousins drove a conversion van to Richmond for camp. No guff. Can fit a lot of lunch pails in a conversion van IMO.

T. Iceman said...

Cakes is putting $1000 on the browns going undefeated.

Speaking of which...apparently Tony Grossi isn't a fan of me tweeting at him about not following him anymore.

T. Iceman said...

Justin Blackmon, LOL!!!

Grumpy said...

I never carry my weed in the car.

Anonymous said...

G$ - thoughts on Ray Rice only getting two games?

Seal

Prime99 said...

I assume conversion vans are necessary in order to carry so much GRIT to training camp.

GMoney said...

Speaking of human garbage wide receivers, what the hell is taking so long to give Josh Gordon the lifetime ban that he deserves? This isn't that hard, NFL. Kick him out. Kick Blackmon out. Run fantasy pools to see which one goes to prison/dies first.

GMoney said...

Ray Rice stinks. There is my thought about him. Since he is a "first time" woman puncher, two games is fine. His presence on the field hurts the Ravens anyway so, in essence, the NFL is BIG PUN(ishing) Baltimore 14 games. That's pretty steep when you think about it.

T. Iceman said...

I love the message the NFL is sending here. Knocking out a woman is less serious than smoking weed or taking steroids.

Anonymous said...

You are a racist. Fuck you, CRACK-UH!

--Jim Brown

Anonymous said...

Iceman...also 40% as serious as free tattoos while IN COLLEGE.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Yea I agree with Ice and Drew here... 2 games is a joke.

Seal

GMoney said...

Just a reminder that Jim Irsay has still not been punished by the league for his drug possession and DWI.

I've said it before and I will say it again: Roger Goodell is a piece of shit.

By the way, tomorrow's post is terrific.

GMoney said...

Ohio Buckeyes fire their tard band director for hilarious sexual harassment claims!!!

GMoney said...

I'm not one to support losers in the band, but I'm a big fan of anyone that goes by Captain Dildo.

Racist Gruden said...

Some monkey lipped negro slaps a clam in the mouth and gets a 2 game suspension? NBD. He'll probably sell drugs to supplement the income. A harsher punishment would have been banning him from all BBQ joints nationwide for a full season. Do it again and we'll blackball you from watermelon stands too!

Anonymous said...

If you bet 300 to win 396 and 100 to win 364, you are betting 400 total. That leaves you with a loss of either 4 or 36. That is not including the vig.

Guarantee win to brag about to your buddies if one of those two wins the division (likely). But you're taking a loss either way.

Maybe hold off on becoming a professional gambler.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQCU36pkH7c

Andrew B.

Anonymous said...

G$ if you want a new person to throw out some gambling tips this football season, I'd consider it.

Andrew B.