Thursday, July 10, 2014

Pinch-Shitting For Mr. Ace Its...CAKES TAKES!!!

That's half-lightning and half Cakes' man-frosting
Ace is off somewhere living off the land, hugging a moose and tapping syrup from a tree. Or Is that Vermont? Doesn't matter I guess. New England is terrible and all those people sound like they were rode hard and put away wet while working at the docks. Anyway he asked me to fill in today. Apparently, it was without G$'s permission which makes it even better. I'm like an internet renegade. I'm often mistaken for James Dean so it all makes sense.

A couple years ago, Nicky Sabecakes somehow morphed over a couple days into my new nickname, Cakes. This makes Prime an asshole because he's the one who started it. I didn't embrace it at first. I mean, christ, a bunch of guys call me Cakes. On the internet. It just sounds slimy. But after the great work internet scandal of '13 (looking at you, Ice), I decided to embrace it and become the best damn Cakes I can be!

Since today is a rare day where we don't have to suffer through NBA trade calculator posts, let's talk about random stuff. And since I'm the one in charge and drunk with power right now, it's going to be all about random stuff that interests me! Gather round for a good ol' mail-in post, kids! It's what Ace would've wanted.

JOHNNY FOOTBAW - Can we GIVE IT A REST already? I think we all understand that Iceman is a choir boy who doesn't want anybody to have any fun. He claims to be a Browns fan but I'm growing more suspicious by the day. Everything that comes out of his mouth is some soapbox rant about our beloved team and how he doesn't like them. He was even sucking off the Pats and Steelers the other day. That's bordering on an unforgiveable offense. Clean it up, Iceman.

Johnny's antics have been well known for three fucking years now. He likes Vegas. He likes inflateable swans. He likes money phones. I'm leaving out the part about liking Bieber on purpose because even I, the biggest of Browns homers, don't have an answer for that one. Regardless of what he does on the weekends or who he hangs out with ON HIS FREE TIME, he hasn't played one snap for the Cleveland Browns. That means he's still in the god category where we all salivate at the possibility of what he might do on the field. I'm not going to waste my precious internet time bitching and moaning about a 21 year old millionaire partying. We were all that age once with only a fraction of the party resources this guy enjoys. I shudder to think what would've become of me had I been afforded the same opportnities.

Almost every time Manziel has been put in front of a defense, he's balled out HARD. Until he throws three picks and costs the Browns a football game, I don't give a shit what he does unless he falls into Gordon territory.

SEVERE WEATHER SEASON - After a winter featuring multiple appearances by the polar vortex, blizzards and paid days off for me to get drunk on, the severe weather season has gotten off to a disappointing start. As many of you know, major weather events get me hard as fuck. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because weather is boring 98% of the time. Maybe it's because I missed my calling as a Meterologist in college because I was chasing tail and drinking Natty. Or maybe it was the forced, uncomfortable viewing of 'The Wizard of OZ' with Stan Stachak in his dark, drab basement as a kid (DISCLAIMER: may not have happened). Whatever it is, I often plan my drinking nights according to the latest weather models. There's nothing better than sitting on your deck, downing a beer and watching the latest runs on your brand new weather app.

Storms in the spring/summer and winter don't follow the same rules. In the winter, you are often tracking storms for DAYS which gives you lots of internet time to dissect them. Snow storms are often watched and warned many moons before they actually hit. That gives you a reason to mow down old people at the store because that's YOUR box of Cheez-Its damnit! Have you ever been in a store during the last day before a blizzard hits? It's unbelieveable. If the zombies ever do come, we are fucked as a civilization. Order turns to mayhem in a matter of hours. It's fascinating how close we are to a total meltdown at any given point. Humans AMIRITE?!

Storms in the summer are much harder to pinpoint but more exciting. Forecasters often can give you a general area where severe weather is expected but there is just no way to guarantee where a tornado or damaging storm might hit. The roulette factor makes spring storms sexier. That's the time of year we are in and it's been shit so far. I've witnessed one, maybe two good storms so far. NW Ohio has only had one Severe Thunderstorm watch and zilch for Tornado activity. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see any towns leveled by a tornado but I desperately want to see one on the ground before I die. The closest I've come is witnessing a funnel cloud over BG in the early aught's. That's not going to relieve my throbbing weather boner. It only gives me blue balls. Has anyone seen one live and in person? I'm sure Grumpy has from a covered wagon on the plains.

GOLF - I've always enjoyed golf. I played it in high school and got quite good because of the free 9 holes at Brandywine everyday for "practice". I put practice in quotations because I'd probably be a lot better if my cronies and I weren't stoned out of our minds for all of those rounds. Weed is a fickle drug. Sometimes it makes you really good and sometimes you pull your drive into some fat guy in another tee box. While funny, that's not where you want the ball to go. LONG AND STRAIGHT BABY!  (Ed. note: Cakes was the Josh Gordon of the AWHS golf program...no wonder he defends that thug)

Anyway, I've always played a few rounds here and there every summer but this year I'm ALL IN. I've been out probably 15 times so far and I'm actually considering lessons to tighten up my game. My drives have been awesome for the most part and i feel like I could hit anything from 150 with the seven iron right now. It feels amazing to be marginally good again. There is no question that Golf is one of the hardest sports out there. Aside from hitting a major league fastball, I don't think there is anything much harder than completing a good golf shot.

What are your best shots of the year so far? Do you have a favorite course? Any funny horrible shot stories? Those are sometimes better than knocking one three feet from the pin on a 174 yard Par 3. Why was that so specific? Because I did it yesterday!! I want, no I need at least on hole-in-one in this life. I know people who have several and others who have played for 40 years without one. That's just fucking wrong, man. Everyone should get to experience that at least once. I don't know what I would even do. Probably be promptly kicked out and asked to never come back.

Is The Moneyshot golf outing still a thing?

That's it for me. I want to thank nobody for letting me fill in today. Hope Ace comes back with some sweet Maine stories (LOL) for us to rip apart next Thursday. Until next time, go fuck yourself.

35 comments:

Grumpy said...

Please take over the regular Tuesday slot.

GMoney said...

Not nearly as bad as I was expecting

Anonymous said...

I agree with Grumpy.
Also relieved not to see another fucking NBA post.

-Ohio Nate

Mr. Ace said...

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?! I knew some Cakes Takes would be just what this place needed.

I drank with some hardcore Northeasterners last night. The kind of ppl who live and breath Saaaaaax baseball and have never left the state they live in. It was quality shit. Always find the townies wherever you vacay.

The Money Shot golf outing is a thing...but probably only exists in our wildest fantasies. I'm all for trying to come up with another date, but summer weekends are slowly slipping away.

Jeff said...

Chris Bradley would hire a weatherman named Cakes who likes hole in ones for sure.

Anonymous said...

I've driven through some awful storms this summer on the way home from work. One of them flooded I75 and I675....missed being stranded for hours by mere minutes. So, you're missing out up there Cakes. I also had a dream last night that I was tailgating before the first OSU game and like 10 tornadoes rolled in....ELITE dream.

People talking about their best golf shots of the summer is a terrible idea.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Well done, Cakes.

Yeah there have been some pretty instense t-storms roll through Columbus this summer. I did appreciate the Stachak reference. I was always a Charlie Umpenhour (sp?) fan back in the day.

Could Lebron be ready to put the dagger in Clevleand again?

Had someone yell "FOUR!" out their car as they were driving by during my backswing at Napoleon Muni this summer on the famed #2 which is always the classic prank by punk high school kids. I had an ELITE shank to the left..like straight left and not a hook. It was actually kind of funny.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Since Drew thinks its a terrible idea, I'll gladly talk about golf shots...

In April I had the second hole-in-one of my life... 196 yards, 6 iron. And in May I had a round with 7 birdies. Put me on the tour!

Good post Cakes... although I would have liked more #windians talk from you.

Seal

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ SLow wanting to discuss a below. 500 baseball team is 7.5 games behind Detroit.

Damman...why did somebody yell a number at you? LOLZ @ you not knowing how to spell that word.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

We could always talk about Trashlander getting booed off the mound at home after giving up 5 runs in the first on Tuesday, Drew? Would you like that better?

Seal

Prime99 said...

Great job, Cakes! It's a good thing you embraced the Cakes name. I remember that day well:
- G$ called Saban NickeySabeCakes
- You brought up a girl from your past called Tammy Cakes
- I casually called you BradyCakes, and it went from there. Proud moment in nickname history.

Are you hoping to toke up with Josh Gordon, which is why you staunchly defend him?

What are your feels on earthquakes?

I'm shocked this wasn't a live tweeted Indians game from last night complaining about Yankee fans.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Drew...that was a major screw up there. I usually get annoyed by people for being stupid with their grammar/spelling. I hadn't had my coffee yet.

The Indians and Yankees are two really boring teams.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Slow...did he? I think he retired 10 or more in a row and then got the W. LOLZ!

Damman...understood.

--Drew

Cakes said...

Thanks guys! You have TWO hole in one's, Seal? That shit is cray cray. Very impressive.

I can't bring myself to talk Indins until they can prove to me that they can stay over .500. Swisher really fucked us over last night. Just hit a fly ball, bro.

T. Iceman said...

Cakes bitches about my NBA posts then throws up a weather post with John Cokeziel defense shoehorned in? Eat all the dicks.

I regret nothing regarding the great MoneyShot scandal of 2013. It allowed me to get wrongly terminated so I can collect free money with an entire summer off. It's been glorious and worth it.

Didn't Cakes say something last week about the Indians about to sweep the Yankees? LOL. Good one, idiot.

Just because I'm not a blind idiot homer like Cakes, all of a sudden I'm not a fan? LOL. It's impossible to get my point across to such a blatant homer so I'm done having this Manziel conversation until he proves me right. Then we can come back and show Cakes how fucking dumb he was for ignoring all the signs. But this will change nothing for future Cakes because there is no cure for homerism.

Cakes said...

I have many thoughts on Earthquakes, Prime. They are terrifying. That is one natural disaster that I can live without.

Prime99 said...

So as long as a disaster is pretty to look at, you're ok with it? Any correlation between that sentiment and your love for Johnny Football?

Cakes said...

Yes, Prime. The visual aspect of natural disasters is a big plus. Do you get a lot of quakes out in Sacramento? I know the fault line runs up and down the entire West coast so you must get to feel a few.

I wouldn't say I love Johnny Football yet. I'm just not going to crucify him for partying on the weekends. Big fucking deal. I'm holding out judgement until he, you know, actually plays a football game for the Browns.

Anonymous said...

Cakes....Wut about volcanoes? On 60 Minutes this past Sunday they had a fascinating segment on them. Amazing how big of an effect it has on the rest of the world if one of them blows....and they say one of the scariest is at Yellowstone.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I've only felt one quake since living in CA for over 20 years now. They aren't a big deal at all unless a really big one hit. Then we'd all be fucked.

(I don't live on a fault line, though.)

Cakes said...

Super Volcanos are one of the top contenders for ending the world. You're right, there is a huge caldera brewing under Yellowstone right now. Scientists have measured ground swell on one side of the park which suggests that something is brewing. The problem is that it could happen today or two thousand years from now. They're impossible to predict.

Whenever it happens, if you aren't burned from the actual lava flow (preferable), the rest of the world will lose most of our sunlight from the ash. We'll basically head into a new ice age. That should be fun for humanity!

Prime99 said...

Johnny Football would party through a Super Volcano, bro. Totes.

G$- Devin would never put up an alliance member. What's that? Zach disagrees with him? Time to put up Zach, bruh.

Anonymous said...

So, let's say Yellowstone blows tomorrow? Would we die in Ohio at some point due to it?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Goddamn, I've been in non-Dut meetings all day. What have I missed???

Cakes said...

The map I saw said that everyone within an 800 mile radius from the park would be dead within the first hour. The rest of us would be alive but the ash cloud would circle the globe within a week or so which is bad news. Crops would die. Planes wouldn't be able to fly. Satellite's would stop working causing massive communication outages. All of our sanitation systems and power grids would fail pretty fast. We're basically sent back to the stone age.

GMoney said...

Sounds like you n****** are im the market for some volcano insurance.

The Yankees win last night was hilarious because we suck so much and just so happened to beat a team that sucks just a little bit more than we do. Both teams suck huge hog. The sooner that we both accept this, the sooner that we can move on to LeBron!

I played once this year at the aforementioned Muni with Damman and FagNasty. We played skins on the back nine.
Damman = 1
FagNasty = 3 (biggest upset of the millenium)
G$ = 5

I'm the best.

GMoney said...

Wait a minute, Cakes, HOW WOULD THIS EFFECT MY NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION? I AM ALSO A FAGGOT AND YOU CAN CALL ME IDE!

Cakes said...

I would agree that both team suck but we should've won that game last night. Swisher finally shows some signs of life at the plate and then strikes out with the bases loaded and one out. I knew we would figure out a way to lose after that.

This Yankees team is AWFUL! I don't know who half those guys are. At least we sent your best pitcher to the DL with a loss. That makes me feel good.

If the Yankees take the series tonight, I will consider a trade for your boyfirend, Sale.

Anonymous said...

It should be noted that in this skins game, G$ won 2 holes but one happened to be a 4 hole carryover. He also hit a couple ridiculous approach shots that he would not be able to duplicate in 100 shots and that saved him.

It was basically the Yankees/Indians game from last night. Somebody had to win.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

My favorite course to play is Muirfield Village Golf Club. Because, I am better than everyone here. Remember that forever.

LOL TANAKA. Get fucked Yankees fans and G$.

All this weather talk and no speak of Jim Cantore. I am dismayed.

Ide

GMoney said...

Both times on 8, I hit blind wedge shots from the bottom of the hill to within ten feet. Very LOLZ! But at least I beat Tiger FagNasty!

The best part about the Yankees and their incredible run of injuries is that Carlos Beltran (AWFUL) hurt himself in the batting cage last night when a carom hit him in the grill. That about says it all.

Alright! Come on, David Phelps! Beat TJ House! ROTTEN PITCHING!!!

GMoney said...

DURRRRRRRR I do shots with Jack Nicklaus probably! No one cares! No one would ever consider me ELITE not even my BFFs Paul Pierce and Eli Manning (an actual ELITE person)! HURRRRRRRR!

Go blow a(nother) black.

Mr. Ace said...

Sounds like Bron is coming back according to the police in akron area....

GMoney said...

I hope that you all enjoyed Twitter because it's about to burn in Hell forever once this shit gets announced within the next hour or two.

Prime99 said...

I want this DECISION over with! Announce it already!