|That's half-lightning and half Cakes' man-frosting|
A couple years ago, Nicky Sabecakes somehow morphed over a couple days into my new nickname, Cakes. This makes Prime an asshole because he's the one who started it. I didn't embrace it at first. I mean, christ, a bunch of guys call me Cakes. On the internet. It just sounds slimy. But after the great work internet scandal of '13 (looking at you, Ice), I decided to embrace it and become the best damn Cakes I can be!
Since today is a rare day where we don't have to suffer through NBA trade calculator posts, let's talk about random stuff. And since I'm the one in charge and drunk with power right now, it's going to be all about random stuff that interests me! Gather round for a good ol' mail-in post, kids! It's what Ace would've wanted.
JOHNNY FOOTBAW - Can we GIVE IT A REST already? I think we all understand that Iceman is a choir boy who doesn't want anybody to have any fun. He claims to be a Browns fan but I'm growing more suspicious by the day. Everything that comes out of his mouth is some soapbox rant about our beloved team and how he doesn't like them. He was even sucking off the Pats and Steelers the other day. That's bordering on an unforgiveable offense. Clean it up, Iceman.
Johnny's antics have been well known for three fucking years now. He likes Vegas. He likes inflateable swans. He likes money phones. I'm leaving out the part about liking Bieber on purpose because even I, the biggest of Browns homers, don't have an answer for that one. Regardless of what he does on the weekends or who he hangs out with ON HIS FREE TIME, he hasn't played one snap for the Cleveland Browns. That means he's still in the god category where we all salivate at the possibility of what he might do on the field. I'm not going to waste my precious internet time bitching and moaning about a 21 year old millionaire partying. We were all that age once with only a fraction of the party resources this guy enjoys. I shudder to think what would've become of me had I been afforded the same opportnities.
Almost every time Manziel has been put in front of a defense, he's balled out HARD. Until he throws three picks and costs the Browns a football game, I don't give a shit what he does unless he falls into Gordon territory.
SEVERE WEATHER SEASON - After a winter featuring multiple appearances by the polar vortex, blizzards and paid days off for me to get drunk on, the severe weather season has gotten off to a disappointing start. As many of you know, major weather events get me hard as fuck. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because weather is boring 98% of the time. Maybe it's because I missed my calling as a Meterologist in college because I was chasing tail and drinking Natty. Or maybe it was the forced, uncomfortable viewing of 'The Wizard of OZ' with Stan Stachak in his dark, drab basement as a kid (DISCLAIMER: may not have happened). Whatever it is, I often plan my drinking nights according to the latest weather models. There's nothing better than sitting on your deck, downing a beer and watching the latest runs on your brand new weather app.
Storms in the spring/summer and winter don't follow the same rules. In the winter, you are often tracking storms for DAYS which gives you lots of internet time to dissect them. Snow storms are often watched and warned many moons before they actually hit. That gives you a reason to mow down old people at the store because that's YOUR box of Cheez-Its damnit! Have you ever been in a store during the last day before a blizzard hits? It's unbelieveable. If the zombies ever do come, we are fucked as a civilization. Order turns to mayhem in a matter of hours. It's fascinating how close we are to a total meltdown at any given point. Humans AMIRITE?!
Storms in the summer are much harder to pinpoint but more exciting. Forecasters often can give you a general area where severe weather is expected but there is just no way to guarantee where a tornado or damaging storm might hit. The roulette factor makes spring storms sexier. That's the time of year we are in and it's been shit so far. I've witnessed one, maybe two good storms so far. NW Ohio has only had one Severe Thunderstorm watch and zilch for Tornado activity. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see any towns leveled by a tornado but I desperately want to see one on the ground before I die. The closest I've come is witnessing a funnel cloud over BG in the early aught's. That's not going to relieve my throbbing weather boner. It only gives me blue balls. Has anyone seen one live and in person? I'm sure Grumpy has from a covered wagon on the plains.
GOLF - I've always enjoyed golf. I played it in high school and got quite good because of the free 9 holes at Brandywine everyday for "practice". I put practice in quotations because I'd probably be a lot better if my cronies and I weren't stoned out of our minds for all of those rounds. Weed is a fickle drug. Sometimes it makes you really good and sometimes you pull your drive into some fat guy in another tee box. While funny, that's not where you want the ball to go. LONG AND STRAIGHT BABY! (Ed. note: Cakes was the Josh Gordon of the AWHS golf program...no wonder he defends that thug)
Anyway, I've always played a few rounds here and there every summer but this year I'm ALL IN. I've been out probably 15 times so far and I'm actually considering lessons to tighten up my game. My drives have been awesome for the most part and i feel like I could hit anything from 150 with the seven iron right now. It feels amazing to be marginally good again. There is no question that Golf is one of the hardest sports out there. Aside from hitting a major league fastball, I don't think there is anything much harder than completing a good golf shot.
What are your best shots of the year so far? Do you have a favorite course? Any funny horrible shot stories? Those are sometimes better than knocking one three feet from the pin on a 174 yard Par 3. Why was that so specific? Because I did it yesterday!! I want, no I need at least on hole-in-one in this life. I know people who have several and others who have played for 40 years without one. That's just fucking wrong, man. Everyone should get to experience that at least once. I don't know what I would even do. Probably be promptly kicked out and asked to never come back.
Is The Moneyshot golf outing still a thing?
That's it for me. I want to thank nobody for letting me fill in today. Hope Ace comes back with some sweet Maine stories (LOL) for us to rip apart next Thursday. Until next time, go fuck yourself.