Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Now Batting For The Iceman...CHIP KELLY!!!

If you've been wondering what Chip Kelly's been up to, then today is your lucky day! When Iceman contacted me to sub today, I figured catching up with the Chip-a-nator would the perfect way to use my day here at this internet cesspool. For those that have forgotten, I have the inside track with Chip because I was once the official Cal Football beat writer/commenter for The Money Shot. We hit it off during a Cal/Oregon post-game press conference and what ensued was eerily similar to "Training Day," with Chipper playing the role of Det. Alonzo Harris. "This is not an option, n***a. If you do not smoke this we have a problem." Indeed...

Without further procrastination, here's the star of today's show:


What is up twat-cicles?! Did you miss me? OF COURSE YOU DID! Between Snow Guy's NBA posts, Mr. Monkey's stories of molesting at-risk youths, and G$'s insecurity in regards to his food posts (LULZ at Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup being underrated- I eat that at least twice a day!) you've been thirsting for an update from the most dominating force in the NFL... ME, MOTHERFUCKAS! Prime is a very brown stain on a pair of dirty murder panties and couldn't do this shit without me. Go fuck yourself, Prime, you lazy-ass dead foreskin. You are so lucky you met me.

Let's start this off with a quick NFC East preview: SPOILER ALERT- The Eagles will sweep the division and ride the momentum into the playoffs where we will easily win the Super Bowl. Why? Well, a number of reasons:

Our QB is significantly upgraded. Nick Foles is white as fuck and has golden locks of hair that are only second to John Heder. Having a responsible Caucasian leader throwing TD's constantly is way better than a ghetto-assfuck that mistreats dogs. Fun fact: the last straw with Mike Vick was when we found out that he was still abusing his dogs. Get this- he only treated his dogs with SEASONAL heart-worm medication! Can you believe that human herpe? What a dickface who obviously knows nothing of basic dog care.

Our WR slot is upgraded also. Commentor Jeff should drop that rapey other Pennsylvania team and jump on this bandwagon now! I would also say Grumpy should join the bandwagon, but his bleeding-heart liberal ways do not jive with the Philadelphia Eagles (read as: he's not racist enough.) Less DeSean Jackson and more Riley Cooper? How do I even get away with this? One of our team building exercises in camp will be burning crosses in the dorm courtyard while listening to Hall & Oates. With any luck, we will get a noise violation! Are you convinced yet, Jeff?

How will our defense be? WHO GIVES A FLYING SPREAD EAGLE FUCK?! No one. It's all about the offense. The models I fuck on the reg don't dig defense.

Lady McCoy is an ashy little fella that I will run into the ground. If I could Bud Kilmer him to make sure Napoleon Dynamite gets more TD passes, I would. Wait- I'm the goddamn Tony Soprano of the Eagles. I can do that. Do not draft McCoy on your fantasy team. I'm going to LULZ at his lack of TDs.

Tight End Zach Ertz is catching balls to the face. Constantly. He loves it.

The Eagles will obviously dominate. I mean, I'm their titty-fucking coach for Chip's sake! But here are some other fun facts about the NFC East. RG3 is super mega gay. His knee ligaments are made of graphite pencil lead but his penis is hard as granite for dudes. Jerry Jones called me to take over the 'Boys. I told him I don't swing that way and to call Bobby Griffin because he loves boys and cock. Eli Manning still sleeps with his childhood blankey loves it when his mom "makes the bad men fly!" Pretty sure he breastfeeds at halftime of all games.

With no further convincing needed about the Eagles straight up murdering the NFC East, let's talk about you fucks. True, I hate this blog. Howevah, I do keep up with it just to rip on you every 18-months or so.

Ide is the worst. If he ever tells you he hung out with me, Paul Pierce, Pauly Shore, or Neil Diamond- immediately call him out for his IdeLies. The only celeb that would even consider hanging out with Ide is that gash singer from Train, and that is only because Ide will blow him. I heard the song "Drops of Jupiter" was inspired by Ide's love of nude black men in locker rooms.

Seal, stop holding back your anger! Let it shine, bro. Inbred Kentucky fans are SUPPOSED to be angry. Do not deny yourself your birth-rite.

Since I said Ide was the worst, I can't take it back while talking about Cakes, but he and John Manzier should hold hands and get swept into a tornado together. One tornado, two dildos. As efficient as me fucking Lane Kiffin's wife- which still happens. OFTEN.

Damman still fucks fat chicks and that is still OK with me! Damman is the STANFORD FOOTBALL of slaying big girls!

Ape, you are a diehard Eagles fan, and I loathe you with the fire of 1,000 grills cooking all beef sirloin patties on Ide's roof. You are a disgrace to Eagles fans, child advocates, and dog lovers alike. When this is all over, you and Mike Vick should get an apartment together.

Larry is somewhat new to the group, but it seems like his wife sure does wear the pants in the family based on her sexually arousing dress-down of Ape regarding heart-worm meds. I remember when I wore Lane Kiffin's wife's panties and raw-dogged her anus for 3.5 hours. What does that have to do with Larry? Not much, but it was an ELITE time!

Iceman is moving on down to the F.L.A., huh? Well, try to do better than these folks. I do not want to have to read about you stealing Wheelz' The View chair and joy-riding naked into a marsh while drunk on Rumplemintz, then getting eaten by a crocodile. Wait a tick- I absolutely want to read about that! Get after it, Florida boy!

Drooler, you sad sick bastard. I'm surprised you ever get out from under sniffing Urban Meyer's scrote to comment here daily. Does the regular season matter or not matter? For you, I hope it matters because your teams seem to fall embarrassingly flat when it really counts. Ohio did pretty well last year, up until that pesky B1G Championship game where Sparty exposed them for being frauds. Justin Verlander has his face to far into another girl's boobies that I motorboat from time to time, to pitch well. And I KNOW how clutch the Wings come up when your ability to comment here was on the line. Your need to always be right is to attempt to compensate for a microscopic wiener. GIVE IT A REST!

And G$- I don't know if SheMoney's kid will be here by the time this is published, but enjoy raising MY CHILD. That's right, BRAH! Ol' Chipper snowballed himself, then spit it back out to impregnate yo' wife (just like Cakes!)! I even made sure my semen was "girl-producing-only" so that you'd get to raise a daughter that will remind you of me every single day for the rest of your life. Congrats, sucka!!!

And that's Prime's time today. What a rotten tampon that needed me do all of his work for him. Have a shitty Tuesday, fuck-faces! Enjoy watching the MOTHERFUCKING EAGLES this year!


Grumpy said...

That was EPIC! Please fire Iceman.

Anonymous said...

Cakes > Prime

Anonymous said...

Slow clap! That was brilliant.


GMoney said...

I am not surprised that the Pro Cakes comment is anonymous. No one wants to claim that one.

FUCK CHIP KELLY. Yeah, I said it. He comes in here and insults us all while telling Peter King yesterday about how much he hates the NFL Draft. This guy SUCKS PAT DIX (ELITE Nap LL reference).

And god dammit, the grilled cheese is under-fucking-rated! The only people who order it are 5 year olds and Lester goddamn Nygaard and we know what happened to him.

T. Iceman said...

Or PROMOTE Iceman for picking an ELITE Tuesday sub.

Chip pretty much nailed it today. Besides what he said about me. Those were all #IdeLies.

T. Iceman said...

Anon would rather read about Cakes' weather erections than Chip verbally undressing everyone and everything. Makes sense.

T. Iceman said...

Pat Dix had John Elway teeth. And he was my teammate. ELITE reference indeed.

Anonymous said...

Chip can suck a bag of dicks. You don't need to prove you are always right, when you are always right.


GMoney said...

Exactly. As someone that is always right, I never feel the need to rub everyone's nose in it. Except for Iceman. Fuck him.

Prime99 said...

Chip is a real grade-A asshole. I do not recommend hanging out with him. Kiffin's wife disagrees with me, tho.

The Eagles would wear White Sox promo ponchos if they could get away with it. Chip is really, really racist.

Prime99 said...

Chip is the only person who is right all the time (in his mind.) OBVS by his stance on the NFL Draft. He gives zero fucks on conforming his ways to the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, because he is better than everyone (in his own mind.)

GMoney said...

How can you be right all the time when you ban your employees from eating delicious tacos??? YOU LOSE, CHIP! Enjoy your 6-10 season...it will taste great with your hourly lard smoothies.

I'm a big fan of fighting with faux people.

GMoney said...

A lot of damn strong taeks today, but these two might be my favorite:

Damman is the STANFORD FOOTBALL of slaying big girls!

Ape, you are a diehard Eagles fan, and I loathe you with the fire of 1,000 grills cooking all beef sirloin patties on Ide's roof. You are a disgrace to Eagles fans, child advocates, and dog lovers alike. When this is all over, you and Mike Vick should get an apartment together.

Prime99 said...

As Peter King might say, I think that I think I agree with you, G$.

Prime99 said...

Chip says, why would his employees need tacos when they can eat grilled cheese?

GMoney said...

What sort of asshole picks grilled cheese over tacos? Probably the same guy that was so afraid of STANFORD FOOTBALL that he moved to Hell AKA Philadelphia.

Prime99 said...

And got your wife pregnant. Never forget.

Grumpy said...

Speaking of which, do you want me to induce labor?

GMoney said...

God, you're gross. News about that coming hot and heavy tomorrow morning.

Read yesterday that Ol' Urban Meyer said that the two days he spent with Chip and the Eagles this Summer were the most he has learned ever or something. Chip > Urb

Prime99 said...

Chip says he only taught Urb wrong ways of doing stuff (recruiting/coaching) and that he swapped out Urb's heart meds with laxatives.

Grumpy said...

From what I hear, if she goes a certain number of days past the due date they will schedule a C section.

Surprised nobody mentioned it's National Chicken Wing Day.

GMoney said...

Chip probably told him to start a black at QB. LOL! Chip got him good!