|FUCK YOU, CAKES!|
Q. Let's get this one out of the way first: Do you honestly see Dan Gilbert Fonseca and LeBron James working together again?
A. That really is the big fucking elephant dick in the room, isn't it? I'd like to think so but I'm not a filthy rich successful person who doesn't like to apologize for anything. To be perfectly honest, I do have a hard time seeing these two guys work together again. I'm not saying it is impossible because there are tons of money and legacy that can be achieved, but both would have to eat some shit to get there.
Q. Aren't you getting tired of this shit?
A. A little but I am invested so whatever. If I wasn't, though, DEAR GOD THIS WOULD BE SO ANNOYING.
Q. Why would LeBron leave a team that went to four straight Finals for a franchise that won 33 games last season and is run worse than FEMA?
A. Well, let's be honest here. The Heat roster is pretty weak at the moment and it isn't going to get much better. So far, re-shaping the team has meant drafting a college PG and signing Josh McRoberts and Danny Granger. That's pretty bad. And the bigger named free agents aren't going to sign up for way below market value before finding out if LeBron is going to sign long term. It's the same thing as his last few years in Cleveland. Him not committing gave good players zero reason to sign on. No one wants to get to stuck in a shitty situation. On the other hand, the Cavs have an interesting roster. It's much more enticing than people give it credit simply because it is extremely flexible.
Q. LeBron's agent, Rich Paul, is apparently pushing hard for James to come back home. You buying this?
A. Who gives a fuck? This is LeBron's call, not his childhood buddy/agent. Worry about the financials, Rich, and let your boss tell you who you need to negotiate with.
Q. Some are suggesting that since Paul is also Tristan Thompson's agent that he would be using LeBron James to get Double T a monster contract. How fucking stupid is that?
A.Very fucking stupid. Tristan is a decent player but he is not being factored into any of this. If it means getting max money under the cap, they will send Tristan out of town so damn fast for a 2020 2nd round pick. He is expendable. He is not a deal breaker. SO DUMB FOR REAL.
Q. Seriously, bro, how much pull does Pat Riley actually have?
A. A lot unfortunately and this is what scares me most. Riley can talk and he knows how to make moves. Oh sure, if he was a real man then maybe Texas Western would have never happened, but the guy builds winners and is one of, if not the, most respected men in basketball. Fortunately, his hands are sort of tied by everyone opting out and then for some reason wanting max money. I honestly have no idea why Chris Bosh hasn't already signed with Houston. They are offering him 20 million more, have better and younger players, NO STATE TAX, and it is his hometown.
Q. Is it just Cleveland vs. Miami here or is there someone else?
A. Nope. Those are the only two and everyone knows it. It's why you see the Lakers and Bulls going after Carmelo AKA the ultimate consolation prize. This is a two horse race and it always has been. He was always staying in the East.
Q. OBVZ, Bron is in "ring mode" for the rest of his playing career now. He isn't going somewhere to rebuild and grow. Let's say that he signs with the Cavs. Where does this put Cleveland in the Eastern Conference in 2015?
A. Immediately the Cavs are a top 1-2 seed in the East. The Heat would be toast and I'm taking a LeBron/Kyrie duo over everyone but Chicago and maybe Indiana if they go to therapy. I am NOT saying that they can win a title. I am saying that the Cavs would pretty much take Miami's place near the top of the shitty Eastern Conference. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that LeBron makes all teams ELITE.
Q. Who are the beat reporters/people that I should trust when it comes to rumors on this story?
A. We all know that Windhorst is LeBron's bitch and Mempis Broussard is one of the few people that has an in with Rich Paul apparently. I also take Incarcerated Bob's twitter leaks seriously, too, because he does usually nail his story breaks.
Q. If the Cavs do get LeBron, then what do they do?
A. Wow. First of all, I would shit my pants. Second, I would immediately hop onto the internet and say nasty things to complete strangers. Then, I would put my fantasy GM hat on, call up Flip Saunders, remind him that Kevin Love said that he would sign an extension if LeBron went to Cleveland, and trade him Waiters, Thompson or Bennett, Jack, and all three of our first round picks next year (we have three of them, bruh) for Love and Barea. I'm not offering Wiggins. Wiggins is off the table. Then I decline Varejao's 9.7 million dollar deal and sign him to a longer, team-friendly contract. I then go to war with a lineup of Irving/Wiggins/James/Love/Varejao. You tell me that that team isn't an immediate title contender. I dare you. Again, that is all wishful thinking and best case scenario but--so far--everything that has happened this offseason has fit in with the best case scenario.
Q. OK, that was a big help. Thanks for wading through miles of foul-smelling shit. I appreciate it. How about a prediction on where LeBron ends up playing next year? Make a GUARANSHEED, BRAH!
A. With all that said, I think that James signs a 3 year extension with Miami because Dan Gilbert doesn't deserve him. What we do deserve is the broken down LeBron 3 years from now wanting to end his career back at home and he is a shell of what he used to be and kind of blows. And that will make me sad.
Q. Can you please stop writing about this stuff?
A. LOL Fuck you, me! I think that it would be really cool to see the East being decided for the next few years between Bron/Kyrie/Love/Wiggins and Melo/Rose/Noah/Dougie McBuckets. That would be ELITE albeit a pipe dream and I understand that.
Like I said at the beginning, I think that the dominoes fall today or tomorrow or definitely by Friday. There is no need to drag this out any longer. The players in this game know what they have to do and have already had their say. It's time to act. I admit that I have my hopes up and I would be legitimately sad if he spurned the Cavs again. It wouldn't suck as much as last time but it would still blow a lot just because there was no reason for his agent to get our hopes up only to smack us on the nose again. And I guess that is why I hold on to that hope. Simply because it is a total dick move to unnecessarily string us along again when he could have done that to shithead Knicks or douchey Lakers fans instead. #COMEHOME