Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Is Today The Day That LeBron Makes His Choice

FUCK YOU, CAKES!
Probably not. I mean, I would doubt it. I suppose that it could happen today but no one knows. What we do know is that LeBron and his "team" met with Pat Riley last night (probably at a tanning salon) in Vegas which you would presume is the final meeting of the LeBron-a-thon 2014. So what now? Fuck if I know. Hell, the decision could have already been made by the time that this posts rendering this blog worthless. It would be the first time in this site's history that the content would be pointless. We're like Cal Ripken around here except we have talent unlike him. There is obviously a ton of horseshit and speculation floating around and I'm here today to help sift through the nonsense. We're going to go with the old "ask myself questions" format.

Q. Let's get this one out of the way first: Do you honestly see Dan Gilbert Fonseca and LeBron James working together again?
A. That really is the big fucking elephant dick in the room, isn't it?  I'd like to think so but I'm not a filthy rich successful person who doesn't like to apologize for anything.  To be perfectly honest, I do have a hard time seeing these two guys work together again.  I'm not saying it is impossible because there are tons of money and legacy that can be achieved, but both would have to eat some shit to get there.

Q. Aren't you getting tired of this shit?
A. A little but I am invested so whatever.  If I wasn't, though, DEAR GOD THIS WOULD BE SO ANNOYING.

Q. Why would LeBron leave a team that went to four straight Finals for a franchise that won 33 games last season and is run worse than FEMA?
A. Well, let's be honest here.  The Heat roster is pretty weak at the moment and it isn't going to get much better.  So far, re-shaping the team has meant drafting a college PG and signing Josh McRoberts and Danny Granger.  That's pretty bad.  And the bigger named free agents aren't going to sign up for way below market value before finding out if LeBron is going to sign long term.  It's the same thing as his last few years in Cleveland.  Him not committing gave good players zero reason to sign on.  No one wants to get to stuck in a shitty situation.  On the other hand, the Cavs have an interesting roster.  It's much more enticing than people give it credit simply because it is extremely flexible.

Q. LeBron's agent, Rich Paul, is apparently pushing hard for James to come back home. You buying this?
A. Who gives a fuck?  This is LeBron's call, not his childhood buddy/agent.  Worry about the financials, Rich, and let your boss tell you who you need to negotiate with.

Q. Some are suggesting that since Paul is also Tristan Thompson's agent that he would be using LeBron James to get Double T a monster contract. How fucking stupid is that?
A.Very fucking stupid.  Tristan is a decent player but he is not being factored into any of this.  If it means getting max money under the cap, they will send Tristan out of town so damn fast for a 2020 2nd round pick.  He is expendable.  He is not a deal breaker.  SO DUMB FOR REAL.

Q. Seriously, bro, how much pull does Pat Riley actually have?
A. A lot unfortunately and this is what scares me most.  Riley can talk and he knows how to make moves.  Oh sure, if he was a real man then maybe Texas Western would have never happened, but the guy builds winners and is one of, if not the, most respected men in basketball.  Fortunately, his hands are sort of tied by everyone opting out and then for some reason wanting max money.  I honestly have no idea why Chris Bosh hasn't already signed with Houston. They are offering him 20 million more, have better and younger players, NO STATE TAX, and it is his hometown.

Q. Is it just Cleveland vs. Miami here or is there someone else?
A. Nope.  Those are the only two and everyone knows it.  It's why you see the Lakers and Bulls going after Carmelo AKA the ultimate consolation prize.  This is a two horse race and it always has been.  He was always staying in the East.

Q. OBVZ, Bron is in "ring mode" for the rest of his playing career now. He isn't going somewhere to rebuild and grow. Let's say that he signs with the Cavs. Where does this put Cleveland in the Eastern Conference in 2015?
A. Immediately the Cavs are a top 1-2 seed in the East.  The Heat would be toast and I'm taking a LeBron/Kyrie duo over everyone but Chicago and maybe Indiana if they go to therapy.  I am NOT saying that they can win a title.  I am saying that the Cavs would pretty much take Miami's place near the top of the shitty Eastern Conference.  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that LeBron makes all teams ELITE.

Q. Who are the beat reporters/people that I should trust when it comes to rumors on this story?
A. We all know that Windhorst is LeBron's bitch and Mempis Broussard is one of the few people that has an in with Rich Paul apparently.  I also take Incarcerated Bob's twitter leaks seriously, too, because he does usually nail his story breaks.

Q. If the Cavs do get LeBron, then what do they do?
A. Wow.  First of all, I would shit my pants.  Second, I would immediately hop onto the internet and say nasty things to complete strangers.  Then, I would put my fantasy GM hat on, call up Flip Saunders, remind him that Kevin Love said that he would sign an extension if LeBron went to Cleveland, and trade him Waiters, Thompson or Bennett, Jack, and all three of our first round picks next year (we have three of them, bruh) for Love and Barea.  I'm not offering Wiggins.  Wiggins is off the table.  Then I decline Varejao's 9.7 million dollar deal and sign him to a longer, team-friendly contract.  I then go to war with a lineup of Irving/Wiggins/James/Love/Varejao.  You tell me that that team isn't an immediate title contender.  I dare you.  Again, that is all wishful thinking and best case scenario but--so far--everything that has happened this offseason has fit in with the best case scenario.

Q. OK, that was a big help. Thanks for wading through miles of foul-smelling shit. I appreciate it. How about a prediction on where LeBron ends up playing next year? Make a GUARANSHEED, BRAH!
A. With all that said, I think that James signs a 3 year extension with Miami because Dan Gilbert doesn't deserve him.  What we do deserve is the broken down LeBron 3 years from now wanting to end his career back at home and he is a shell of what he used to be and kind of blows.  And that will make me sad.

Q. Can you please stop writing about this stuff?
A. LOL Fuck you, me! I think that it would be really cool to see the East being decided for the next few years between Bron/Kyrie/Love/Wiggins and Melo/Rose/Noah/Dougie McBuckets.  That would be ELITE albeit a pipe dream and I understand that.

Like I said at the beginning, I think that the dominoes fall today or tomorrow or definitely by Friday.  There is no need to drag this out any longer.  The players in this game know what they have to do and have already had their say.  It's time to act.  I admit that I have my hopes up and I would be legitimately sad if he spurned the Cavs again.  It wouldn't suck as much as last time but it would still blow a lot just because there was no reason for his agent to get our hopes up only to smack us on the nose again.  And I guess that is why I hold on to that hope.  Simply because it is a total dick move to unnecessarily string us along again when he could have done that to shithead Knicks or douchey Lakers fans instead.  #COMEHOME

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

A lot of TRUF bombs in this post. I'm going with a 69.69% chance that he comes back to Cleveland, ONLY because I can't see him stringing them a long for a second time like you said. It'd be hilarious if he did though....and I don't want to discount the BRO love that he, Bosh and Wade seem to have with each other.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

No reason for him to go back to Miami. Wade is a shadow of his former self, Bosh is gone and their window is closed.

He wants to stay in the East. That makes it the Cavs. GUARANSHEED!

Anonymous said...

This is what Lebron does. He drags things out for as long as he can so he gets the most attention possible. He loves seeing the Cleveland fans grovel at his feet. Everything seems to point to a return to Cleveland (even Bruce Drennan's sources) but I see him spitting in the face of Cleveland again.

Who is Incarcerated Bob?

-Damman

Mr. Ace said...

The only reason I give the edge to Miami is because I think him and Wade had a plan before the offseason. There is no way Wade opts out if Bron isn't coming back. Maybe that changed and Bron really wants to go to Cleveland, but I can't see Wade getting publicly pantsed like this at the hands of Bron.

And that Bosh deal is not on the table yet. They have to clear cap space first. I doubt that is what the Rockets are really offering.

I hope he comes back to Cleveland so the Spurs DYNASTY can sweep him one last time.

GMoney said...

I am always at my most honest when being interviewed by myself. In FACT, "fuck you, me" made me LOL way harder than it should have. I might be bi-polar.

Bob is one of those Twitter gambling experts that likes give free picks out. He's pretty successful at it. He also likes to break news WEEKS before major media outlets do. Not always and since he answers to no one, sometimes things turn to shit, but he has nailed a substantial number of his stories.

Wouldn't that be the ultimate justice for WAY OF WADE? It would bring LeBron full circle. I would love to see Wade get punked by Dan Gilbert. That would bring me so much joy.

Maybe that Bosh deal isn't officially offered yet but once the dominoes fall, the space will be created. They will give away Lin just like the Cavs will give away Jack. Creating the space isn't tough but you need to get commitments from the studs before you do it.

By the way, DELONTE WEST is back in the league as he just signed a deal with the Clippers. Man, how great would a conversation between him and Sterling have been.

Why don't free agents sign with Dallas or Chicago? This doesn't make sense to me. Great franchises with terrific coaches in awesome cities with unselfish stars ready to win now. What am I missing?

Broussard still picks Cleveland. Chris Sheridan says he is 90% sure that it is Cleveland. I will be 100% heartbroken, no doubt.

Anonymous said...

Broussard's only sources are people in his church groups. Also, LOLZZZZZZZZZ at G$ for thinking incarcerated Bob nails stories.

Ape...I used to think that about Wade/LeBron too. But, what risk is there for Wade? He'll actually get more money if LeBron leaves as they will sign him to another big deal.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, if Bron doesn't come back to Miami there is no way the Heat are maxing out Wades contract. He had the chance to make 40 mil the next 2 years. I don't think the Heat will give Wade by himself any more than 50 mil over 4 years. Pat Riley isn't a moron.

And if Bron goes then Bosh goes. Who else are they bringing in? Nobody will want to play with Wade at this point in his career.

Anonymous said...

Holy fuck I will be so happy if he comes back... but I am like you, expecting the worse until it actually happens. Riley is a slick fucker, and expect him to go down swinging - and word is they are meeting today, not last night.

That lineup you spoke of featuring Love and Lebron gave me the biggest boner I have had in years.

Expect the worst, Cleveland fans.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Ape...who else are they going to give the money to this year? They would TOTES give Wade at least what he had coming due to what he's done for the organization and him still being the face. Just like Kobe.

--Drew

GMoney said...

When I wrote this, they were supposedly meeting last night. I regret nothing.

IBN has a lot of good reach in the dark circles but he isn't held accountable for anything which makes it risky to source. He and Frank Isola hate each other which makes me chortle.

In 24 hours, Vegas dropped the Cavs title odds from 20-1 to 10-1. That seems substantial to me.

Like I said, I'm not unthrowing away my LeBron merch yet (because I can't) but I am optomistic. That will be my downfall.

Mr. Ace said...

I definitely take notice when Inc Bob "breaks" something. Doesn't mean it always happens, but I know there have been a few that he hit on in the last year.

Drew, the Heat should give all that money to Deng and Gasol. But they won't. They might give it to Wade out of loyalty or some shit I suppose, but it's a bad idea and he isn't close to being Kobe.

GMoney said...

Anyone else think it's funny that Melo is CLEARLY going to take the money as opposed to being a winner? Way to set those priorities, bruh! Deciding between the Lakers and Knicks is like deciding between getting raped and holding your own blowbang.

Grumpy said...

"Anyone else think it's funny that Melo is CLEARLY going to take the money as opposed to being a winner?"

Ace, you have set a new standard for dimwittery. Of course Melo will take the money; you would take the money, too. Are his grandchildren going to pay the rent by flashing his championship ring?

Anonymous said...

Cavs making moves... Jack, Zeller, and Keresiv gone in a 3 team deal. Making room for Lebron max deal.

Seal

GMoney said...

If you call me Ace again I will put you in the ground.

Melo's grandkids will be fine. Sign with the Bulls and actually accomplish something. He isn't going to win dick in LA or NY.

The Cleveland Cavaliers will trade Jarrett Jack to the Brooklyn Nets on Thursday as part of a three-team deal with Boston to create more salary-cap space for the pursuit of LeBron James, according to sources close to the process.

Sources told ESPN.com that the Nets have agreed to take on the contracts of Jack and youngster Sergey Karasev from the Cavaliers in a swap that also will see the Celtics acquire Brooklyn's Marcus Thornton, Cleveland's Tyler Zeller and a future first-round pick from the Cavaliers.

Cleveland will have to acquire at least one future second-rounder from either Brooklyn or Boston to complete the transaction, but the moves will give the Cavaliers significant financial flexibility, shedding Jack, Zeller and Karasev from their roster.


Here we fucking go...thanks, Danny Ainge and KGBillionaire!

Mr. Ace said...

Cavs making moves. Good for them.

Lolz Grump. All those erectile disfunction pills are ruining your eyes.

GMoney said...

Yeah, the Cavs are running like an actual decent franchise right now. I'm confused.

I suppose that if Riley works his magic and absolutely destroys me today, they could shift focus to Greg Monroe and/or Chandler Parsons. But I don't want to think about those bros yet.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Grumpy acting like the $135M that Melo has already earned just on the court...isn't enough for him to just make around $85M at his next stop.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Hard to keep the dimwits straight.

Anonymous said...

Excellent Gilbert Fonseca reference
-Ohio Nate

Anonymous said...

Cavs going after Ray Allen...

Seal

GMoney said...

Are we about to out-Riley Riley? The Cavs sure are acting like a team that has LeBron in their back pocket already.

Fonseca references are always dynamite. I understand that posts like these aren't for everybody so I have to put incredible inside jokes in there.

Nibbles said...

"Excellent Gilbert Fonseca reference"

Agreed. Gilbert was clearly the most entertaining Fonseca.

Anonymous said...

Sorry if I missed this already... But HAPPY BIRTHDAY JRUPE!

I thought it was funny when lebron left because G$ is a cavs fan and I hate slow seal, but I'm hoping he comes back. I'm sick of people ripping on Ohio/Cleveland because lebron left (cowherd). If Lebrun can win a title and stop Cleveland fans from crying because they never win anything, I'm all for it. It will be fun to watch and I would gain a slight interest in the nba.

No way he's not coming back with those moves today.

No robot is elite.

Dut

GMoney said...

If you are going to comment regularly again, then you better start spelling ELITE right.

Dut makes a great point: everyone is a Cavs fan!!!

Where is Iceman today? No job and no dick...he should already be ten comments deep.

Prime99 said...

Did you see the Onion article where LeBron signed with Al-Queda? ELITE!

T. Iceman said...

I think people are forgetting the main issue here. LeBron isn't putting a Cavs jersey back on until Dan Gilbert Fonseca issues a public apology for that scathing letter he threw on Twitter 4 years ago. LeBron doesn't like looking like a bitch. And if he goes back to Cleveland without that public apology, then that's exactly what he'll look like.

And unless you get Love, LeBron is not coming to Cleveland.

T. Iceman said...

I got absolutely hammered last night and just woke up. That's where the fuck I am. Tuesday/Wednesday puking seshes are truly ELITE.

Prime99 said...

Toews and Kane for 8 MORE YEARS! Love it!

T. Iceman said...

You know you've hit rock bottom when Tyrann Mathieu starts giving you life advice. Time to kill yourself, Gordon.

GMoney said...

Nice hot take, Jim Brown. If they make nice then why the hell does it matter if it is done publicly? If you think that they are both going to sit down in front of cameras and apologize to each other then you must be higher than Josh Gordon. That isn't happening.

But if they agree to join forces, we can all assume that the hatchet has been buried. I mean, Americans aren't THAT dumb, are they?

Mr. Ace said...

"You know you've hit rock bottom when Tyrann Mathieu starts giving you life advice. Time to kill yourself, Gordon."

This coming from the guy who just woke up an hour ago from a "Tuesday/Wednesday puking sesh". Boom.

Bron is bigger than Gilbert in every way. I doubt he gives two fucks about him at this point. It would be awesome for Bron to lead him on this entire time and then shit all over him, but I think both have put 2010 in the past.

Some BRO was walking in front of me a bit ago and thru up twice and didn't even break stride. Extremely impressive. I would usually be in tears with poison coming out of my nose.

GMoney said...

The BIG MEAT takes place at 6 pm tonight. I assume that word will leak sometime between 8 and 9.

It's really odd that the same people who called Cavs fans a bunch of dried-up stinky dick-lickers for the last four years are all now mostly rooting for us to get our guy back. This is really bizarre. I mean, goddamn WILBON is OK with it and he is the same reverse racist that pretty much calls Gilbert Calvin Candie every chance he gets.

Anonymous said...

I was a Cavs hater during the Lebron years (as well as a Lebron hater during that time) because of all the fake fans that came out of nowhere and all of the sudden were huge Cavs fans.

In listening to WKNR today, I've come around a bit. I'm still not going to be a Cavs or Lebron fan, but I think him coming back would be great for the city and would be a big "fuck you" to the rest of the nation that makes fun of Cleveland all the time. If it's good for Cleveland, I'm all for it.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Wow. Was not expecting that response! First, Johnny Manziel. Then the Republicans! Now LeBron!

LET'S BRING THE OLYMPICS TO CLEVELAND, TOO!!!

T. Iceman said...

It needs to be public for this reason. Gilbert attempted to humiliate LeBron publicly. Now Gilbert needs to even the score and humiliate himself publicly. I mean...that's what I would want to happen and my ego is nowhere near the size of LeBron's.

I hit rock bottom when I started writing a weekly blog with you, Ace. That's why I drink so much during the week.

Anonymous said...

Boom