|I've never seen a pitcher with better shit...count it.|
How do you make the team? First of all, you have to be bad and fall well short of basic expectations that the team and fans have for you. And then we factor in the salary that the player draws. Guys that are hurt aren't considered (you're welcome, CC) Most of these guys make a ton. A few do not but should be better than they are. At the end, I added up the combined salaries of both teams and it will make you vomit more than a Long Island from Char Bar. Here are the teams.
AL - Joe Mauer .271/2/28 (23 million) I'm putting Mauer back behind the plate where he belongs because he is the most pathetic offensive first baseman in the league. This is the worst contract in all of sports. The Twins gave a slap hitter 200 million just because of where he was born. Mauer sucks. And he's back on the DL hopefully with bi-lateral leg weakness again.
NL - Jarrod Saltalamacchia .236/8/24 (6 million) This probably isn't fair but I don't like how he wears his helmet forward when he catches. Turn it around, douche.
AL - Nick Swisher .197/5/27 (15 million) His act is cute when you're winning. When you aren't, there is no one that you hate more. Swish deserves to be bad after his opening day O-H-I-O bullshit.
NL - Joey Votto .259/6/22 (12 million) What the fuck happened to this guy? He's not going to threaten to kill himself again, is he?
AL - Jason Kipnis .244/3/22 (550K) He doesn't make a ton of money (yet) but the Tribe expect him to be significantly better than what he's done so far. These are terrible numbers.
NL - Brandon Phillips .266/7/37 (11 million) Not a lot of shitty, underachieving 2B in the NL so I'll single out the guy that whined about his teammate's contract a few months back. I am so glad that the Yankees didn't trade Brett Gardner (one of the most underrated players in the league) for this downward-trending black man.
AL - JJ Hardy .293/2/21 (7.9 million) The average is fine but didn't he used to have power?
NL - Jean Segura .239/4/22 (534K) He started off hot as hell but then Ryan Braun had roid rage and bashed his face in. No excuses when it comes to the All-Sharts. Steve Sharts never made excuses. Neither will Wyclef Jean Segura which should TOTES be his nickname because Wyclef is ELITE.
AL - Carlos Santana .205/12/32 (3.7 million) Christ, another Indian? Maybe the Dodgers won that Casey Blake trade after all.
NL - Chase Headley .202/6/24 (10.5 million) The Padres can't hit at all and this guy is the worst of them.
AL - Shin Soo Choo .254/8/30 (14 million) I know this as a Choo fantasy owner, but he is flat out garbage. He has done nothing to justify that monster deal that he signed over the winter.
Austin Jackson .247/3/23 (6 million) What happened to him? He went from budding star lead-off hitter to 7 hole automatic out.
Carlos Beltran .222/9/27 (15 million) I expected so much more. He says that his elbow problem does not effect his swing so he just sucks then apparently.
NL - Curtis Granderson .232/12/29 (13 million) LOL Mets!
Matt Kemp .263/8/31 (21.25 million) I hope that whoever signed Matt Kemp to that money is no longer working in baseball.
Matt Holliday .264/5/40 (16.25 million) Holliday has had a nice career even though I've never been a big fan but this is a really poor season for this big dude.
AL - Alfonso Soriano .225/6/23 (19 million) Thank God that the Cubs are paying almost all of this salary. UPDATE!!! HE GONE!
NL - Andre Ethier .252/4/33 (15.5 million) I hope that whoever signed Andre Ethier to that money is no longer working in baseball.
AL - Justin Verlander 7-7 4.71 (20.1 million) Usually, you could call me a hater here but even the most diehard Tigers rube has to admit that Jut has been pretty bad this season. You can't rake in over 20 million and then be barely under a 5 ERA. Plus, he's a faggot just like Drew.
NL - Matt Cain 1-7 4.27 (20.8 million) What the fuck happened to this guy? He used to be fantastic and now he is the worst. Cain almost makes Barry Zito's deal seem like a bargain.
AL Team Salary: 125.6 million
NL Team Salary: 126.8 million
Oh, that's just gross. Financials in MLB are absurd. It will never happen but MLB needs to figure out a way to not fully guarantee contracts. Again, it will never happen because why would the players agree to that, but it is soooooooo needed. Feel free to discuss All Stars and All Sharts at will today and never forget that at least we aren't still talking about soccer. One thing that I will ask is that you keep your Josh Gordon takes to yourself today as Iceman will be addressing that hilarity tomorrow. Oh and hilarity will be had.