Monday, July 07, 2014

G$ Reveals the AL and NL All-Shart Teams

I've never seen a pitcher with better shit...count it.
Yesterday, Major League Baseball announced the players who will be playing in next Tuesday's All Star Game.  You will hear plenty of weirdos complaining about snubs and the undeserving but that is pointless and stupid.  What truly matters is identifying those that are basically stealing pay checks from their owner and are having terrible, shitty seasons.   These losers MUST be called out.  Thus, today's topic being the AL and NL All-Shart Teams!

How do you make the team?  First of all, you have to be bad and fall well short of basic expectations that the team and fans have for you. And then we factor in the salary that the player draws.  Guys that are hurt aren't considered (you're welcome, CC) Most of these guys make a ton. A few do not but should be better than they are.  At the end, I added up the combined salaries of both teams and it will  make you vomit more than a Long Island from Char Bar.  Here are the teams. 

Catcher
AL - Joe Mauer .271/2/28 (23 million) I'm putting Mauer back behind the plate where he belongs because he is the most pathetic offensive first baseman in the league.  This is the worst contract in all of sports.  The Twins gave a slap hitter 200 million just because of where he was born. Mauer sucks.  And he's back on the DL hopefully with bi-lateral leg weakness again.
NL - Jarrod Saltalamacchia .236/8/24 (6 million) This probably isn't fair but I don't like how he wears his helmet forward when he catches.  Turn it around, douche.

First Baseman
AL - Nick Swisher .197/5/27 (15 million) His act is cute when you're winning.  When you aren't, there is no one that you hate more.  Swish deserves to be bad after his opening day O-H-I-O bullshit.
NL - Joey Votto .259/6/22 (12 million) What the fuck happened to this guy?  He's not going to threaten to kill himself again, is he?

Second Baseman
AL - Jason Kipnis .244/3/22 (550K) He doesn't make a ton of money (yet) but the Tribe expect him to be significantly better than what he's done so far.  These are terrible numbers.
NL - Brandon Phillips .266/7/37 (11 million) Not a lot of shitty, underachieving 2B in the NL so I'll single out the guy that whined about his teammate's contract a few months back.  I am so glad that the Yankees didn't trade Brett Gardner (one of the most underrated players in the league) for this downward-trending black man.

Shortstop
AL - JJ Hardy .293/2/21 (7.9 million) The average is fine but didn't he used to have power?
NL - Jean Segura .239/4/22 (534K) He started off hot as hell but then Ryan Braun had roid rage and bashed his face in.  No excuses when it comes to the All-Sharts.  Steve Sharts never made excuses.  Neither will Wyclef Jean Segura which should TOTES be his nickname because Wyclef is ELITE.

Third Baseman
AL - Carlos Santana .205/12/32 (3.7 million) Christ, another Indian?  Maybe the Dodgers won that Casey Blake trade after all. 
NL - Chase Headley .202/6/24 (10.5 million) The Padres can't hit at all and this guy is the worst of them.

Outfield
AL - Shin Soo Choo .254/8/30 (14 million) I know this as a Choo fantasy owner, but he is flat out garbage.  He has done nothing to justify that monster deal that he signed over the winter.
Austin Jackson .247/3/23 (6 million) What happened to him?  He went from budding star lead-off hitter to 7 hole automatic out.
Carlos Beltran .222/9/27 (15 million) I expected so much more.  He says that his elbow problem does not effect his swing so he just sucks then apparently.
NL - Curtis Granderson .232/12/29 (13 million) LOL Mets!
Matt Kemp .263/8/31 (21.25 million) I hope that whoever signed Matt Kemp to that money is no longer working in baseball.
Matt Holliday .264/5/40 (16.25 million) Holliday has had a nice career even though I've never been a big fan but this is a really poor season for this big dude.

Designated Hitter
AL - Alfonso Soriano .225/6/23 (19 million) Thank God that the Cubs are paying almost all of this salary. UPDATE!!! HE GONE!
NL - Andre Ethier .252/4/33 (15.5 million) I hope that whoever signed Andre Ethier to that money is no longer working in baseball.

Pitcher
AL - Justin Verlander 7-7 4.71 (20.1 million) Usually, you could call me a hater here but even the most diehard Tigers rube has to admit that Jut has been pretty bad this season.  You can't rake in over 20 million and then be barely under a 5 ERA.  Plus, he's a faggot just like Drew.
NL - Matt Cain 1-7 4.27 (20.8 million) What the fuck happened to this guy?  He used to be fantastic and now he is the worst.  Cain almost makes Barry Zito's deal seem like a bargain.

AL Team Salary: 125.6 million
NL Team Salary: 126.8 million

Oh, that's just gross.  Financials in MLB are absurd.  It will never happen but MLB needs to figure out a way to not fully guarantee contracts.  Again, it will never happen because why would the players agree to that, but it is soooooooo needed.  Feel free to discuss All Stars and All Sharts at will today and never forget that at least we aren't still talking about soccer.  One thing that I will ask is that you keep your Josh Gordon takes to yourself today as Iceman will be addressing that hilarity tomorrow.  Oh and hilarity will be had.

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sabathia makes more than Verlander...has had a worse year...and is now done for the year. He's the pick at SP.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Thanks for reading that hurt guys weren't considered. I'd rather not send a guy out who is nearly a lock to give up 5 runs so Verlander is the OBVZ pick than have a guy on the DL who was fighting knee problems all year. Your lust for that pit crew member is both hilarious and sad. Mostly sad.

By the way, LOVE the trade that the A's/Cubs made. Should be great for both teams. Good for Oakland going all in.

Yankees/Indians tonight! OH YEAH! Love me some Matt Underwood not understanding anything! Cakes, when we take 3-4 games, you MUST trade Chris Sale to me. Quit rejecting my trade offers, dammit! If the Tribe splits or (LOL) wins the series, I will stop all Sale harrassment. Do you agree or are you a little bitch?

Tracy Sprinkle...the most LOLZ

Anonymous said...

LOL at your troll job here on Tribe fans. Stop trying to hard. Swisher should 100% be on this list. MAYBE Santana, but he has 12 dingers, has been hitting much better the past month and isn't even an everyday 3rd baseman because LONNIE is hitting .350! Putting Kipnis on this list laughable.

Kluber was snubbed - should have gotten in.

Welcome home Lebron (almost).

Seal

Anonymous said...

I read it...but, you are acting like he hasn't played all year...which obviously is false.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$, no hot takes on all the Lebron rumors that broke Twitter yesterday? Figured you'd be all over that.

A month ago Santana should have been on this. Not anymore.

Kip has been below average for sure but has battled injury and has white guy grit so he gets a pass...for now. Plus his salary is nothing.

I predict a split this week. Neither team is very good and the Indians can never beat the Yankees (outside of the playoffs of course). Tribe is at home so they will squeak out two wins.

Get ready for Underwood and his numerous misjudgements of the strike zone and fly balls. He is a joy to listen to.

-Damman

T. Iceman said...

Gordon talk tomorrow.

GMoney said...

So you're happy with Kipnis's's's's production at the plate? THAT is laughable.

This is not intended to be a troll job. Santana is hitting .200 which is well under his weight. Unless your ceiling for him is "Brown Adam Dunn" then what he is providing is not acceptable. Maybe--just maybe--if those three guys were actually contributing this season then the Indians wouldn't be sub-.500??? FACTS.

Uhhhh, Sale and Dr. Chim Richalds were snubbed. Kluber not so much. Very pumped that our terrible offense misses him this week.

I'd rather have a guy on the DL over one that blows. Good job jinxing your boyrfiend Porcello though.

The LeBron rumors are coming hot and heavy and while I am starting to get my hopes up a bit, I'm not going to go nuts until things are official. And that could happen soon since LeBron's FAVORITE TEAM THE NEW YORK YANKEES are in town. What a better time to come back home!

One more time...Tracy Sprinkle for Heisman

Anonymous said...

Dr. Chim Richalds reference... fucking awesome. Well done.

Seal

GMoney said...

And if I'm putting worst contract in sports Joe Mauer behind the plate then I am sure as shit putting Santana at third.

T. Iceman said...

Some guy on the radio was bitching about B.J. Upton's shit contract compared to his even shittier production. At 13 mil a year I'm curious as to why he's not on this list. I've been told it's the worst contract in baseball.

GMoney said...

Excellent question: I guess it's because I've always correctly believed that BJ Upton was terrible so him being terrible again is no surprise. Granderson, Holliday, and KEMPH were/are really good players and are having butt cheeks seasons.

It's like Arkansas paying Bert Bielema 5 million per year. Just because his salary is INSANE doesn't automatically make me have expectations for his team because he is an average at best coach who should always wear a shirt.

Just a reminder that Sabathia has a World Series ring while Jut Verlander has an ALCS ring. Never forget.

T. Iceman said...

I'm trying not to get involved with the LeBron conversation because I don't want to jinx it. I don't want him to go back to Cleveland because those fans don't deserve him.

Cakes said...

Swisher definitely deserves to be on this team. To his credit, he's been very quiet and less douchey this year. Kind of humbles a guy when your batting under the Mendoza line after HALF the year.

Kipnis was hurt for a solid month. He should be better but I still have hope he'll be where he's supposed to be by the end of the year.

Santana had a nightmare start to the season. Since coming back from that concussion, he's hitting the shit out of the ball. I don't agree with him being on this team.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ Travis Sprinkle. Let's be real here: The best thing to come out of that story was the fact he went to GROWN & SEXY LOUNGE. Holy fuck, how black can you get?

Ide

GMoney said...

Grown & Sexy Lounge sounds like something that Jason Whitlock would call his house.

I deserve him, Iceman. I deserve him very much.

That being said, Dustin Fox needs to chill the fuck out. He was just on The Fan (when did they unfreeze Mark The Shark by the way?) and he pretty much threw down a GUARANSHEED. Slow your roll, bro, you Ohio faggot.

You Indians fans are the worst. All three of the guys I named are having piss poor first halves. That's why they are on the "team". Santana has been hot since he came back, huh? He's still not even close to hitting his weight. For as white trash as they are, Tigers fans aren't making excuses for A-Jax.

Prime99 said...

No Cubs on the list (unless you count Fonzi, and I don't)- not bad.

The trade over the weekend was solid. If the Cubs weren't extending the Shark, the let him join a contender and get back on a football field.

This LeBron story is getting very interesting...

GMoney said...

By the way, Hi Dut! I took down the robot so you could have more takes and boy were they hot today!

Buttchugger.

Jeff said...

No takes from me besides the Red Sox sucking. I'm starting a new job next week so I've been training my replacement at my current one since the beginning of last week so I don't have much time comment.

Mark the Shark has been an interesting fill in. Afternoons have been unbearable with Tubby-bone running the show.

GMoney said...

You should train your replacement on commenting here. We could use some fresh blood. Hell, Dave commented once or twice but he dared to challenge Your King and I ran him off almost immediately.

Your boy, PEDroia, was considered for the 2B job and probably should have gotten the job but fuck the Indians. Bunch of racists, I say!

I'm hoping that Mark The Shark replaces T-Bone. That would be terrific. And I don't know what the hell is going on with Bishop and Rothman but those two haven't worked together on the same day for at least a few months. Kind of weird.

Anonymous said...

Good for you Jeff. Your boss is the absolute worst piece of shit I have ever met. If you want some HOT GOSSIP to spread around, here is the Michael Jordan story.

So, I worked at Muirfield Village, where Jeff's boss is a member of. He is notoriously the most cheapest person I have ever seen in my life. He almost got into a fist fight over who would split the check on a $4 beer. I am not joking.

Well, one day he brings in Michael Jordan and his friend, presumably via his ELITE father. They go out and play 18 holes and come back. By this time, a lot of the members had noticed MJ was out and about and had their kids come by to get an autograph (very much against club policy, but whatevs). So, Jeff's boss was standing off to the side with this massive shiteating grin, while 22 people (I think) came up and got an autograph. Meanwhile, MJ's friend stood off to the side watching everything.

A couple days later, Jeff's boss gets a bill in the mail for $2200 dollars. The reason? MJ signed 22 autographs and the charge was $100 a pop. His friend? His business manager who stood off to the side and counted every single signature. Jeff's boss did not take this very well. It was glorious.

Meeder can go fuck himself.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh, and yes, I met MJ.

Fuck you.

Ide

GMoney said...

Typical Ide lies are a great start to the week.

Jesus titty-fucking Christ, MEMPIS BOY is reporting that Houston has offered Bosh a 4 year/96 million dollar offer. FOR CHRIS BOSH.

Jeff said...

Haha good shit. Even if that story isn't true it's completely believable. I imagine asking him to let me know when MJ will be in town to sign autographs would be a great walk off on Friday.

Cakes said...

Didn't read the Sale comment. Stop trying to get him for nothing! He's literally one of the only valuable players I have left.

I get really excited every Monday to see what Johnny has been up to over the weekend. Apparently this weeked it was snorting a bunch of blow. Luckily there isn't anything really incriminating in that photo but not a good look, bro! Snort those rails INSIDE the stall like every other drunk brah out there.

Looking forward to blowing up G$'s timeline with my tribe wisdom this week. All of a sudden, we are back in it and this is a HUGE series against those fags from the Bronx.

GMoney said...

Back in what? You're under .500 and about to become (Shane) Greene with envy tonight.

Anonymous said...

I see the Yankees have something called a Zelous Wheeler on their roster. Anyone know what this is?

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Negro.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide is right on that account! He's built like some sort of Charlie Hayes/Cecil Fielder combo ie. he looks like a guy that would be playing a doubleheader at Riverdowns tonight. I think he even wears Cecil's trademark #45 Yankees jersey which, as we all know, is what Cecil will always be remembered for.

I expect the Indians tribute to Yeah Jeets this week to be incredible what with LeBron coming back and all that.

It's a damn shame that Michael Bourn faked an injury. I was counting on those four automatic outs.

Mr. Ace said...

Baseball...WOOF!

I commenting while swimming in a vat of maple syrup and lobsters. MAAAAAAAAAAINE.

Anonymous said...

Shit lobsters bro. Lobster season is 2-3 months away. Have fun eating statutory lobster.

Ide

GMoney said...

By the way, the guy complaining about today's post and hanging out in Canada's scrote has asked the fucking worst person ever to write his post for him on Thursday. Get ready for that.

I hope that you choke on some corn cobs, compost boy.

Mr. Ace said...

All the hate is unnecessary. My guest poster is going to kill it and I have no doubts.

And Ide you should tell the 100 lobster boats in the harbor to pull the 200 cages that each of them have set out right now, because you obvs know their job better than they do. I imagine baby lobster is like veal. Sounds like I'm winning.

Fuchs you all...except for Cakes.

Anonymous said...

Robot