|It's about fucking time.|
The STRAIGHT WHITE GUY FESTIVAL!!! What took us straight white men so long to craft an event solely for us? These flyers have started popping up around town over the last few days and who the hell knows if it is actually a real thing but I definitely WANT it to be real. We deserve it!
Let's break down the advertisement:
*FREE ADDMISSION - We're not off to a good start but, then again, it's about telling not spelling
*EVERYONE WELCOME - Ugh, no, this is clearly for straight white guys only
*COME HELP US CELABRATE OUR ENJOYMENT OF BEING STRAIGHT WHITE AND MALE - A great cause but still might want to consider a trip through the spell-check/add some commas
*BEER AVAILABLE - Now we're talking
*PLEASE NO BYOB - That sounds like a suggestion and not a rule to me!
*PLEASE NO ILLEGAL DRUGS - Have you already forgotten your audience? This isn't Heritage Weekend.
*FEATURING OPEN STAGE FIRST COME FIRST PLAY - Oh no. This could derail the entire event if some grubby asshole gets up there playing the acoustic guitar. Fucking call up Total Recall and fly them in. There is nothing more "straight white male" than 90's cover songs.
Let's be honest, there is no way that I'm going to go to this even if it is a real thing. I'm not one that "does things" but I am intrigued. The point of today's post besides "this is the best idea ever" is to come up with events that would actually take place at a "Straight White Guy Festival" at Goodale Park.
I'll go first. GUARANSHEED there is at least 20 craft beer stands set up. There are few things as white and straight as the lust for the perfect IPA. There would probably also be some sort of MMA event going on, too, because straight white guys LOVE MMA. There will probably be a golf pro there giving out swing tips, too! Let's have fun with this and feel free to get as casually racist as you want. After all, July is White History Month.
Baby Money is due on Monday. I can't possibly imagine that happening at this point but we'll see. It should be an interesting week. Time to CELABRATE!