Friday, July 25, 2014

Finally A Festival For ME!

It's about fucking time.
You know how Ide likes to pop off about how jealous of him we must be since he lives in Brooklyn?  It is always annoying and yet another #IdeLie.  I don't want to live in New York.  I never have.  No one is jealous of you for doing exactly what 10 million other loudmouth jerk-offs have decided to do.  And you know what?  It's painfully OBVZ that you envy all of US who still call central Ohio home.  Why?  See above.

The STRAIGHT WHITE GUY FESTIVAL!!!  What took us straight white men so long to craft an event solely for us?  These flyers have started popping up around town over the last few days and who the hell knows if it is actually a real thing but I definitely WANT it to be real.  We deserve it!

Let's break down the advertisement:
*FREE ADDMISSION - We're not off to a good start but, then again, it's about telling not spelling
*EVERYONE WELCOME - Ugh, no, this is clearly for straight white guys only
*COME HELP US CELABRATE OUR ENJOYMENT OF BEING STRAIGHT WHITE AND MALE - A great cause but still might want to consider a trip through the spell-check/add some commas
*BEER AVAILABLE - Now we're talking
*PLEASE NO BYOB - That sounds like a suggestion and not a rule to me!
*PLEASE NO ILLEGAL DRUGS - Have you already forgotten your audience?  This isn't Heritage Weekend.
*FEATURING OPEN STAGE FIRST COME FIRST PLAY - Oh no.  This could derail the entire event if some grubby asshole gets up there playing the acoustic guitar.  Fucking call up Total Recall and fly them in.  There is nothing more "straight white male" than 90's cover songs.

Let's be honest, there is no way that I'm going to go to this even if it is a real thing.  I'm not one that "does things" but I am intrigued.  The point of today's post besides "this is the best idea ever" is to come up with events that would actually take place at a "Straight White Guy Festival" at Goodale Park.

I'll go first.  GUARANSHEED there is at least 20 craft beer stands set up.  There are few things as white and straight as the lust for the perfect IPA.  There would probably also be some sort of MMA event going on, too, because straight white guys LOVE MMA.  There will probably be a golf pro there giving out swing tips, too!  Let's have fun with this and feel free to get as casually racist as you want.  After all, July is White History Month.

Baby Money is due on Monday.  I can't possibly imagine that happening at this point but we'll see.  It should be an interesting week.  Time to CELABRATE!

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

I might be going to Las Vegas that weekend due to the Buckeyes having a bye week...but, if I don't...since I live just a few blocks from there...I will volunteer to stop by and be the $-Shot reporter for this event. I will dress as white as possible as well.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Also, LOLZ @ Ryan Raburn and the Windians fans here. BEST THROW EVA!

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Taxation Station. White folks love taxes.
A sports blog tent. 99% of bloggers are white males.
Baseball.
Nugent.

GMoney said...

I want this to be real so bad just to see the reactions from Urbanites and Short North pluggers.

Overturned minivan blocking all of I-270 this morning. Interesting way to die, soccer mom.

T. Iceman said...

A meet Ted Nugent table will definitely be there. Directly next to the meet Ted Nugent table will be a learn air guitar instructional tent. At least 3 former WWE superstars will be there signing autographs. My guess would be Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Million Dollar Man and Kurt Angle.

Right now there's a moving company here packing up all our shit and I can't help thinking...this has to be top 5 worst fucking jobs in the world. I can't imagine that job paying well.

GMoney said...

The Moving Company was also a shitty Big Brother alliance. Count it. Real tugger of heart strings last night on BB. Julie Chen just locked up an Emmy with that emotional performance.

Jeff said...

Straight Dave from borat should be emceeing on the main stage.

Should probably be a place to watch minorities do manual labor too.

GMoney said...

Bullshit. The emcee for an event celebrating straight white males would OBVZ be the BRAHs. This festival defines them.

Anonymous said...

Corn hole would have to be there. Along with a sports trading cards table - right next to the meet John Rocker table.

Drew's obsession with the windians is so cute - I think he follows them more than we do.

Seal

Prime99 said...

First come, first play sounds less organized than an open mic. I feel like it will be the worst entertainment ever.

I wonder if PFTCOMMENTER put this flier up? Seems to have his GRIT. Should be BYOLP IMO.

GMoney said...

Ha! Cornhole tournaments are a lock.

I would also hope that a rock-climbing wall is there just so the Honda Fit Bros could show up. CHA BRAH!

This does have a strong PFTC vibe to it. I hope that they accept Gritcoins.

GMoney said...

By the way, somehow the Yankees are now the WC #2 AKA The Indians highest achievement ever. Not bad for a rotation of Kuroda-McCarthy-David Phelps-Shane Greene-Chase Whitley

Anonymous said...

Um the Tribe was WC #1 last year, bro.

Man, that Raburn play might have been the worst play in MLB history. Way to piss away the momentum from the Tigers series.

How about a poker table at white guy fest?

-Damman

Nibbles said...



-Pre Open Mic Raffle for certified used Toyota Corolla

GMoney said...

I like the poker table idea but only if all of the amateurs wear sunglasses as if that makes them harder to read.

Nibbles, make that a reverse raffle and you've got yourself a deal!

My apologies. You got crushed by WC2.

Raburn was trying to win a 2015 IDESY for Worst Play obvz.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Slow. Yeah...like I'm not gonna mention as Damman called it "the worst play in MLB history". Go start your canned goods collection so you can get those free Giant Eagle Browns tickets in November.

There should be Polo, Nautica, khaki, etc clothing stands at this festival.

--Drew

Cakes said...

Best festival ever. I want to go.

So this is the Ryan Raburn all of you Tigers fans hated. I don't like it. He was a HR/RBI machine last season. Give him a little a money and security and the dude turns into a turd. Damman is right. We just killed any momentum from the Tigers series. The Tribe is dangerously close to becoming sellers.

Since G$ is talking babies today, I might as well break the news that BABY CAKES is due in February. I'll be looking forward to all of the hellish stories from G$ so I know what to look forward to. By the way, this isn't public knowledge yet so please keep your black man and UPS guy dad jokes confined to the blog for the time being. Mrs. Cakes would flip her shit If she knew I had told as many people as I have. I've always been pretty good at secrets but I've really shit the bed with this one.

GMoney said...

Go start your canned goods collection so you can get those free Giant Eagle Browns tickets in November.

LOL! Clearly, Drew is not content with winning just one Commenter of the Year award. He wants more. He came back hungrier!

Congrats, Cakes! Also, you are so dumb! SHE should be the one to get her spilling done before you start blabbing about this on SEC message boards. Your secret is safe with us. We are creating quite an army here in the comments.

Cakes said...

I know I should keep my mouth shut but it's very hard (that's what got me into this mess in the first place! ZING!). We are planning on announcing the news in a week so I figured why not?

Browns camp starts tomorrow! Can't wait for Iceman's anti-Browns posts to really heat up!

Prime99 said...

Congrats Cakes! I'm assuming your spawn will grow up to be either Bill Paxton or Helen Hunt from Twister.

Anonymous said...

Congrats Cakes!!! Lot's of moneyshot babies coming around here these days... 11 days until our due date.

Seal

T. Iceman said...

I knew about Josh Gordon impregnating Mrs. Cakes before everyone.

Anonymous said...

Did Cakes just basically say he came in his own mouth and spit the load into his wife to get her pregnant?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew, that's what it read like to me too.

For the festival, you gotta have old muscle cars.

-OH Nate

Cakes said...

Not the visual I was going for. I guess I could've worded that better. Haha!

Thanks guys! Good luck to you as well. Shit is about to get real for Seal and G$. I'm still in the beginning stages.

Mr. Ace said...

A lot of Money Shotters taking their beard dedication to the next level. Congrats.

GMoney said...

If old muscle cars are present then Grumpy won't be far behind. Which also means that there will be a display of Werther's.

Cakes has a very inefficient way of insemenating people. He doesn't HAVE to snowball himself. He wants to.

Chuck Knoblauch said...

Tell that pussy coon Ray Rice if he needs pointers on how to properly beat a woman to come find me.

Anonymous said...

"I cum in my own mouth! ZING!"...Jesus....

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Only Cakes could overshadow his birthing news by simultaneously admitting he jizzes in his mouth.

--Drew

GMoney said...

With an ADDMISSION like that, Cakes is rising in the rankings for COTY! That poor kid is going to be raised by Tom Hamilton. I'm calling Child Services.

Cakes said...

To be fair, I didn't use those exact words, Drew. But it sure reads like I jizz in my own mouth. In my excitement to tell my internet friends about the news, proof reading went out the window. Whatever. YOLO.

If I have a boy, you better fucking believe that Hammy will have an instumental part in raising my son.