Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Back To The Future


"I must go back and make sure Ide is never born!"



As you all know, I'm an unemployed piece of shit.  I love it.  Sitting around on my chubby ass all day and doing whatever the fuck I please is a glorious reality.  But I know that in a few short months this will all come crashing down so I'm soaking up every last bit of it.  I've been doing a lot of movie watching and a lot of Netflix.  A LOT.  I started Orange is the New Black and it's just okay.  Entertaining but just okay.  If nothing else tune in for the dyke scenes and several gratuitous tit shots.  They are bountiful.  Anyway, I rewatched Back to the Future the other week (a movie Wheelz has not seen.  WUT??) and started thinking.  If time travel really existed, where would I go?  I've always been intrigued by history and it was always one of those school subjects that didn't absolutely bore me to shitting myself.

Now this isn't a post to debate the merits of time travel and whether or not it could happen.  I'm sure there are people (Cakes and Ace) who think it's TOTES possible and others (Ide and G$) who will chortle at the idea.  For the sake of argument we're saying it can happen and you can only pick 3 destinations.  Here's where my flux capacitor is taking me.

3.  The Jurassic Period
One word.  Dinosaurs.  I don't give a shit who you are or how old you are.  Everyone loves dinosaurs.  If you say you don't you're telling #IdeLies and #G$Lies to yourself.  I'm not sure exactly how long I would want to stay but the chance to see a real dinosaur in person is something I would not be able to pass up.
What I would bring back: Dinosaur egg.  For sure.  I would find a way to preserve that bitch and bring back a T-Rex egg to keep forever.  I know there would be no way to authenticate it (maybe a archaeologist or dinosaur historian could) but I would know it's real and that's all that matters.

2.  Civil War Era
OBVZ I would want to be far, far away from all the battles and bloodshed but I couldn't pass up the chance to be in the same era as the most devastating war in American History.  Family members killing each other, slavery abolished, the Lincoln assassination.  So much history packed into a 4 year period.
What I would bring back:  One of Lincoln's top hats or tons of war artifacts from the Confederate Army.  Anything Confederate related from the Civil War is huge money in today's market and it's extremely rare to find anything authentic since the Union destroyed almost everything after the surrender.

1.  The 1920's
The 20's had it all, man.  The rise of organized crime, prohibition, the stock market crashing, the great depression, Babe Ruth.  I could spend years in places like New York, Chicago and LA during the 20's.  Plus it would be a great opportunity to thwart that whole Women's Rights movement mistake.
What I would bring back:  A bottle of Speakeasy hooch or something Al Capone related.  Bur not his syphilis.  I don't want his syphilis.

It goes without saying that I will definitely find a way to make myself Biff Tannen from alternate 1985 universe in Back the Future II rich.  Short one today, dick sucks.  This is my last week in BROhio and most of my time has been spent packing 34 years away.  When I'm not cracking out on Netflix, of course.  This Sunday Wheelz and I will fucking finally be making the move down to Florida.  So since we will be sans Internet for at least a few days, next Tuesday my duties will be handled by a commenter here whom has already been informed.  I told him to make sure it's NBA related because I know you all love my NBA posts.  That's my time today.  Can't wait to read all the Indians related events Cakes and Damman would time travel back to.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Slow, Cakes and Damman would go back to the great doubleheader sweep of July 14'....since they already gave one of those games back last night.

You have good choices, but seem to have limited yourself to America. I'd like to see some medieval times in Europe. For some reason the Aztec Empire fascinates me as well.

You also left a lot of Grumpy jokes on the table.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I would go back to 1966; I just want to be 19 again.

GMoney said...

Decent topic by awful writer.

1. Jesus times - Let's finally get to the bottom of this
2. Hitler times in Europe - I could've stopped it!
3. Lake Placid 1980 - Best moment in American sports history, bruh

I'm not anti-time travel. Not many people love Doc and Marty more than I do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE MR. APE

Anonymous said...

Hopefully your summer of unemployment is going better than The Summer of George's.

1908 so I can actually see the cubs win the World Series.

GMoney said...

LOL Drew...you are really sticking it to those guys. But you know that Dut is going to pick the days that Jut Bald Spot received his American League Championship rings.

Cakes said...

I don't remember bragging on any social media about taking 3/4 from Detroit. I don't think I really said anything at all. Drew seems a bit insecure.

I'm definitely hitting up some great battles. WWII and the Civil War are good places to start. I'd also like to see Teddy Roosevelt kick some Mexican ass.

I'm also traveling to 1964 to see the Browns win a championship. Oh it's not called the super bowl? MUST NOT COUNT THEN.

1980's Miami seems fun to. SO MUCH COCAINE AND CORRUPTION. Also, Bernie Kosar before he lost his mind.

GMoney said...

Oh it's not called the super bowl? MUST NOT COUNT THEN.

It's about time that you finally started to see the light. Jim Brown is a racist against all of us so whatever he accomplished is meaningless. Except for beating women...those bruises last a lifetime.

Anonymous said...

Cakes....you put your head in there yesterday...that's why you were included.

Cakes...what weather natural disaster would you go back in time to see?

Grumpy....why 19?

I think going to see the old wild west would be interesting for a day. Then I'd get too hot and want to leave.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I feel confident no one will be able to figure out a way to go back in time. That said, future time travel with no return trip does seem possible later on with high speed space travel.

Seeing dinosaurs would be amazing, but probably dangerous as fuck. Bring that rhino tranquilizer from Old School just in case.

Early 90's and catch a few Nirvana shows. And Jeff Buckley. I'm sure there would be a few others that would be great.

Prime99 said...

Happy birthday, Ape, ya filthy animal!

Cakes said...

I'd probably want to go see an F5 torando up close. A crazy hurricane would be fun too. Shit, maybe an intense volcano eruption. Great,now I'm over-stimulated.

Anonymous said...

I would go back about 15 years and find me a Grey's Sports Almanac, move to Vegas, and re-live my 20s in style.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Grumpy should go back to the day his tree was planted.

I think watching your parents/grandparents for a day when they were teenagers would be pretty fascinating too....much like the movie.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

I'm surprised no one is choosing to go forward into the future 50 years. I'm assuming a time machine can do both.

Drew, I'm only concerned about American things because we're better than everyone else. Actually, that's not true. I considered going back to Rome during the Colosseum days. I can't imagine what it would be like to legally watch a man straight up murder another man.

I also wish I could go back to colonial east coast during the Salem Witch trials and watch all that bonkers shit go down. "Hey. I think she's a witch. Everyone agree? Cool. Let's murder her. Wait, her family is telling us we're wrong about her being a witch. Let's murder them too then keep all of their property for ourselves. On three..."

I have a friend who claims he had a chance to watch Nirvana live, Prime. It was in Cleveland shortly before Cobain killed himself. Missed it because his parents grounded him or something like that. He said there are still days where he thinks about Cobaining himself for not being there.

Prime99 said...

That is fucked up! Your friend's Nirvana story makes me sad.

I saw a poster for a show in Sac back in the day that had Sonic Youth headlining with openers Nirvana and STP. LOL Sonic Youth!

GMoney said...

I want to use my time machine to go back and be one of Biff's cronies.

Anonymous said...

I had a chance to see Prime's band live one night, but I spent the $5 cover at the gyro stand outside the bar instead.

Iceman...I'd be more interested in seeing a man fight off Lions and shit like that instead of another man.
--Drew

Prime99 said...

I would travel back and re-enjoy the week the Drool was silenced by the Blackhawks.

Colin Cowherd said...

I would go back and make sure all of these young black athletes have strong father figures in their lives.

Mr. Ace said...

If I went back in time the one thing on my mind would be getting filthy rich. Like going back and buying up all of the oil producing land before drilling.

I would also go back and be some great illusionist like Jesus so I could have my own religion. Imagine if people 2000 years ago encountered David Copperfield. He would own everything.

History wise I would want to go back around the time of the revolution. See how big of ass holes all our founding fathers really were now that we diefy them. Jefferson sounds like a pretty cool guy.

Happy Birthday to me!

Walt Behrman said...

I would go back to the 80's so I could revisit the glory days of coaching Tim Reiser.

GMoney said...

Go figure that Ace wants to be Jerry Jones.

Great calls from Colin T and Coach today!

Drew, I'm with you. Give me a good street gyro anyday over Prime acting like Barry Manilow or whatever his shows are like.

Surprised that no one has gone with "Abort Ide". I feel like that should be right near the top.

Good chance for a food post tomorrow.

T. Iceman said...

Doc Brown already beat you to it, G$. Check out the picture caption at the top. Well, technically he said make sure Ide is never born but a man who has the balls to fuck over the Libyans s probably always thinking abortion.

GMoney said...

Never overlook the caption...that is good advice right there.

Principal Strickland is the GOAT. SLACKER!