Monday, July 28, 2014

25 For 25: Ranking The Best MLB Player of the Last 25 Years

I have no idea what is going on here but Matt Stairs being surrounded by cats is ELITE as fuck.
Sweet!  A new, recurring topic here!  Over the weekend, MLB inducted their most recent class to the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.  This HOF and their voters catch a lot of grief and scorn for being stupid and nonsensical most of the time however this year they nailed it.  This is an incredible class.  Not a dirty needle to be found anywhere! 

Since my kid didn't come out this past weekend (at least at the time of this writing), I decided to take on a massive research project of compiling a list of the 25 Best MLB Players of the last 25 years.  It wasn't easy.  Just kidding.  It kind of was.  I used PECOTA and WAR and VORP to properly slot these greats.  But not BABIP.  Fuck BABIP.  Again, just kidding.  Here were my guidelines:

-Personal bias was huge
-Steroids were considered but only to break ties
-Since we start this in 1989, we didn't factor in guys who were in their twilight at that time.  Yes, guys like Michael Jack Schmidt are ELITE, but he wasn't in his prime then.  And since he went to Ohio U, fuck him.
-When in doubt, just assume personal bias was used
-If you think that Omar Vizquel is going to show up LOL!  Same thing with Verlander.  If Ryne Sandberg, Cal Ripken (most OVERRATED player ever), and Ozzie Smith aren't on the list then your favorite turd isn't going to make it either.

Without further Apu, the 25 Best MLB Players of the Last 25 Years...FYI, I plan on doing this at a later date for the NFL and NBA and perhaps college football and basketball, too.

25. Albert Belle - A career cut short by insanity and Degeneration-X hip issues shouldn't take away from how terrifying of a hitter and human being he was.  Do NOT throw eggs at his house.
24. Chipper Jones - Larry is a Hall of Famer when it comes to producing bastards
23. David Ortiz - YOU TOOK STEROIDS.  STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DIDN'T.  IT'S OK.

22. Wade Boggs - His sky-drinking skills are the stuff of legend
21. Sammy Sosa - He's soooooooooooo real.  Baseball was berry, berry good to heeeeem.

20. Roberto Alomar - He may have been ranked a little higher had he not spit in John Hirschbeck's face with his AIDS-spit.
19. Felix Hernandez
18. Ivan Rodriguez
17. Mike Piazza - Pudge and Piazza are both incredibly underrated.  Pudge has the giant statue of himself in his yard while Piazza is rumored to be a homosexual.  Nice.
16. Clayton Kershaw - The highest ranking pitcher that is still playing.  He's fantastic.  He has been for a while now and he will continue to be.  He's not a thrower like Verlander.  He's actually great and not a clown fraud.

15. Roger Clemens - A 7 time Cy Young winner at 15?  Yeah, I don't know where to properly rank him.  If it wasn't painfully obvious that he was on the juice, I would likely have him in the top 5 but whatever.
14. Ichiro Suzuki - This guy is absolutely amazing.
13. Alex Rodriguez - Oh boy.  Here is another guy that I didn't know what to do with so I just gave him his number.  Happy birthday yesterday, Centaur!  By the way, have you seen Funny or Die's parody to the Re2pect commercial, "F13CK YOU"?  Delightful!
12. Tony Gwynn - Baseball needs more husky black guys
11. Manny Ramirez - Definitely nuts but undeniably great.  His years in LA were tremendous.  See you in LA, Go Dodgers!  Also, the Dodgers are Uncle T's favorite team.  That's huge...like the bulge in his salmon shorts.  Count it.

10. Greg Maddux - Did you see what he looks like now?  Yikes.
9. Randy Johnson - How LULZ was his tenure in New York!
8. Miguel Cabrera - Don't you dare call me a hater.  I show respect.
7. Albert Pujols - He looks to be back this season to being the slugger that he was in STL. 
6. Frank Thomas

5. Derek Jeter - YEAH JEETS is going to retire a 5 time champion (or six!) and 6th all-time in hits.  People that call him OVERRATED are the biggest losers on the planet. 
4. Mariano Rivera - It's not that he's just the best closer ever, it is that he is arguably the most dominant pitcher to ever live.  He's at least in the discussion.
3. Ken Griffey, Jr. - It's a damn shame that he was always hurt with the Reds.  Just kidding...fuck the Reds.  Junior's 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie will forever be one of the crown jewels of my card collection.
2. Pedro Martinez - Without question, in-his-prime Pedro was the one pitcher that you knew your team was not going to beat.  That ASG in Boston that he started where he stuck out all 6 of the batters he faced was unreal.
1. Barry Bonds - I don't care.  He's the best baseball player of my lifetime.  Did any of these other guys appear on an episode of 90210? I think not.  It is a shame that Bonds is such an asshole because he should be in Cooperstown even if there is an asterisk on his plaque.  Bonds should be going into the Hall before Pete Rose.  FACT.

There you have it.  I spent more time on this than I would like to admit.  It was really hard for me to not have a top 5 that was some variation of Jeter, Rivera, David Cone, Danny Tartabull, and Shane Spencer but I persevered.  Challenge my authority today if you would like.  I'll let you know if or when I'm off to the hospital.  Iceman is out tomorrow but an old friend is filling in to let us know what he's been up to instead.  YAY NO ICEMAN!!!

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

G$....do you have a plan in place for what you will do if the baby comes out black?

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Don't worry. I can still comment from my phone.

That Griffey rookie care is worth no more than 8 dollars now.

Greg Maddux talking about farts in his acceptance speech was ELITE. What wasn't ELITE were the dilrods pointing out the very minor grammatical error on his Hall of Fame plaque. Losers.

GMoney said...

Leave. Immediately. That would be the only plan. Take the dog, too.

Fat Stafford was just on M&M and I had no idea that he and Kershaw were from the same town. He said that Kershaw was his center on the football team. That's amazing. Way better than NHS's QB/C combo of Big Rex and FagNasty.

I know all about the worth of that rookie card. So sad. I blame Fleer. Fucking Canuck homos.

Prime99 said...

I fully support Bonds as #1. I saw many of his home runs in person and he was an absolute monster. I know steroids helped him, but he was so unreal of a hitter that I'd still rank him 1.

GMoney said...

Exactly. I'm not one of those turds that says things like "I would pay money to see him play" because, in baseball, that is dumb. I could see that in hoops or if Peyton is coming to town or whatever, but not for a guy who is only going to bat four times in a 3+ hour game.

That said, Barry Bonds is the ONLY player that I would have went to watch play just because of him. I can't even say that about YEAH JEETS. I saw Pedro pitch in Yankee Stadium (lost to Ramiro Mendoza!) but that was by chance. Hell, for four years of Griffey's time in Cincy I lived 40 minutes from the park and never once went to a game down there. ELITE.

Prime99 said...

I actually saw Barry hit a jack against the Yankees. ARod, Jeter, Rivera (got the save!) and others. It was a damn awesome experience to see that many guys in one game.

Jeff said...

Dave Roberts deserves a spot on this list.

BB was fucking awesome.

GMoney said...

You can choke on Dave Roberts' chinese dick. Seriously, what was that guy's deal? It's like Pablo Torre. Are you Mexican or Italian? I heard that he was a Filipino so none of his name makes sense. Is he related to Dr. Flora? So many questions.

T. Iceman said...

No Ryan Raburn? Incomplete list.

Chuck Knoblauch said...

I'm gonna go to the store and pick up a 30 pack of 'stones. When I get back, my name is in the top 5 of this list or someone gets a humidifier hurled at their head.

Anonymous said...

25. Latroy Hawkins
24. Joe Borowoski
23. Glenallen Hill
22. Mickey Morandini
21. Geovany Soto
20. Corey Patterson
19. Carlos Marmol
18. Jon Lieber
17. Brian McRae
16. Matt Clemente
15. Ryan Dempster
14. Ted Lilly
13. Starlin Castro
12. Kyle Farnsworth
11. Rod Beck
10. Alfonso Soriano
9. Mark Prior
8. Kerry Wood
7. Aramis Ramirez
6. Derrek Lee
5. Carlos Zambrano
4. Sammy Sosa
3. Mark Grace
2. Greg Maddux
1. Ryne Sandberg

GMoney said...

Glenallen Hill is getting robbed. He's better than Zambrano.

Also, you forgot Hawk Dawson who was better than Ryno. Yeah, I said it. Plus, Cramer was a big fan of The Hawk.

I would also have Jerome Walton WAY ahead of Corey Patterson. This is a clown list, bro.

GMoney said...

Man, that Cubs list is just sad. I think that Clark The Cub would clock in at 15 or so. Rizzo should probably be between 10-12.

Jim Riggleman, Don Baylor, Dusty Baker, Lou Piniella said...

We stood no chance.

Anonymous said...

Albert (Joey) Belle had it all:

-Alcholic
-Fired ball at fan in stands
-Ran down kids with his car
-Cussed out Hannah Storm at World Series
-Smashed thrmometer in clubhouse because someone turned it up from 60 degrees where he liked it. Earned him the nickname Mr. Freeze
-Smashed Carlos Baerga's boombox because he was playing salsa music
-Destroyed Fernando Vina in a collision
-Hit bombs

-Damman

Prime99 said...

Forgetting Andre Dawson AND Damon Berryhill makes this Cubs list void.

I miss Mark Prior being dominant.

T. Iceman said...

Jerome Walton and Dwight Smith. My baseball card collection is littered with these rookie cards.

Prime99 said...

As well they should be. Walton, D. SMIFF, and Dawson- that is a blacker OF than the Atlanta Braves.

Anonymous said...

I remember Jerome Walton's rookie card was highly coveted by everyone back in the day.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

Kirk Cousins' conversion van is ELITE.

GMoney said...

I told you! And you're probably allowed to bring sugar in it.

I kind of wanted to add some guys like Edgar Martinez and Jim Thome but they were so fucking bad defensively that I couldn't make it worse.

And I truly enjoyed leaving out Ripken who is definitely in the top 5 of my least liked athletes ever. Fuck Face Billy > Cal

Kid still hasn't show any signs of showing up. This kid will never be able to play for Tom Coughlin. If you're not early, YOU ARE LATE.

T. Iceman said...

How does my fictional Fart Face Spike Owen baseball card stack up to the Fuck Face Billy Ripkin card?

GMoney said...

It's solid but I don't like defacing the cards of any player named after The Wig Master's old man.