|There are almost TOO MANY LOLZ going on in this picture.|
So, we’re walking up to the friendly human landfill and pass through the street behind the LF wall where guys that don’t play for the Cubs are wont to unload some lofty dingers. I see two completely random middle-aged men just staring up at the bleachers with dreams of “something” in their eyes. Yeah, they were out there trying to grab some batting practice home run balls. What they plan on doing with these…great fucking question! Of course these forty somethings are wearing baseball gloves. I get the allure of catching a home run or a foul ball. That is man shit. But you do that with your bare hands INSIDE the park. Standing on the street with your mitt by yourself is just the saddest thing ever. It is a perfect analogy for these two men though as they will likely spend the rest of their lives alone while going to great lengths hoping to secure a pair of balls on a dark street. LEAVE THE GLOVE AT HOME, OLD MAN.
Anyway, that leads us to today’s re-visit to an old topic: abhorrent fan behavior! As homos gear up for the World Cup, we should be preparing ourselves to hear more and more terrific stories about sports fans overreacting to garbage. But you don’t have to go to the game itself to be a cock-sucking scum bucket. You can do it from the comfort of your own home now! Here are five traits of awful people that give sports fans a bad reputation:
*The Gotta-Be-Drunk Guy – You see or hear about this all the time during NFL season where bros show up to their seat in worse shape than Jim Irsay and make it awful for everyone around them. They use slurs. They speak at a decibel level that would make a Seahawks home game sound like a non-Baptist church. They have no shame or care about the terrified family in front of them that are about five minutes away from being showered with Busch Reg vomit. These people are awful. Why would you go to a sporting event shit-house drunk anyway? Buzzed…I get it. Fall down drunk and you can’t comprehend or remember what you’re watching? No thanks. Please die.
*Following HS/College Athletes on Twitter Guy – Oh boy, this is an Ohio Buckeye Special right here. I’m sure that rubes in the Souf do it, too, but I don’t care about them. Turds like Damman and Dut have no issue following Raekwon McMillan on the old Twitter machine. Why? Beats the fuck out of me. No athlete has anything important to say. I try to have as few 18 year old black follows as I can and so far I’m still at zero. Following college athletes is really sad. If you can tell me the point of this, maybe I will apologize. But I doubt that you have a decent reason for this borderline homo behavior.
*Actually Tweeting at HS/College Athletes Guy – To your credit, at least you aren’t trying to communicate with them. I am Facebook Friends with a WalMart Wolverine that was FB friends with Tim Hardaway Jr and he would constantly leave comments on his wall. THAT is the saddest thing ever. I personally feel like Chris Hansen should arrest all of the staff at Scouts and other recruiting services because those guys are all gay pedophiles. In conclusion, being an avid follower of recruiting is not my cup of meat and is quite sad.
*The Black and White Fan – We all know that Cakes will never say anything bad about any of his teams. He constantly holds onto hope which makes it even more hilarious when they let him down all the time. On the other hand, Iceman seems to hate his favorite teams more than teams that he actually hates. If the Browns ever win the Super Bowl due to 31 other teams dying in separate plane crashes, he would still be mad at them for passing on Julio Jones. He will never be happy or satisfied. I don’t like these kinds of fans. I believe in balance. You should have equal parts hope and dread as a fan. Fire the fuck up when good things happen while not being surprised at all when the shit hits the fan because they are A BUNCH OF GODDAMN LOSERS! No one likes or respects Peter Positive or Negative N-word. When in doubt, assume that your team will let you down. But you shouldn’t always assume that they will let you down. You must believe!
*The Sports Talk Radio Caller – This behavior is for the lowest of the low. A chance for your random “Ray from Reynoldsburg” to waste 30 seconds of your commute with his thoughts on saving the team. He has it all figured out and he saw something during the game (after watching the tape a second time of course) that the coaches missed. He knows what it takes to win the league and he doesn’t care how long the radio station asks him to hold. This person is so pathetic. They want to involve the tight end more or pull off a simple 5 team/24 player trade that would launch us straight into Title Town or WE SHOULD BE PLAYING SMOOTH JAZZ! We’ve said it before here and we will say it again: when sports radio shows open up the phone lines, you might as well open up your skull and remove your brain.
If you fall into one of these categories, please stop. You are embarrassing us as an internet blog commenting community of ELITEness. If you fall into numerous categories, then you are Cakes. Cakes is awful. “Wow”—Cakes. And yes, this post was inspired by Cakes tweeting at WKNR with nothing but the most pointless positive sports clichés that you can imagine. FUCK YOU CAKES. You probably bring your ball glove to work.