Wednesday, June 04, 2014

YOU are a Terrible Fan

There are almost TOO MANY LOLZ going on in this picture.
I know that I’ve spent more than enough time talking about my rain-soaked trip to Wrigley Stadium (hat tip to Jeff Gordon!) two weeks ago, but I almost forgot to discuss the most appalling and egregious display of pathetic behavior that I’ve ever seen. Good news for you is that I remembered eventually.

So, we’re walking up to the friendly human landfill and pass through the street behind the LF wall where guys that don’t play for the Cubs are wont to unload some lofty dingers. I see two completely random middle-aged men just staring up at the bleachers with dreams of “something” in their eyes. Yeah, they were out there trying to grab some batting practice home run balls. What they plan on doing with these…great fucking question! Of course these forty somethings are wearing baseball gloves. I get the allure of catching a home run or a foul ball. That is man shit. But you do that with your bare hands INSIDE the park. Standing on the street with your mitt by yourself is just the saddest thing ever. It is a perfect analogy for these two men though as they will likely spend the rest of their lives alone while going to great lengths hoping to secure a pair of balls on a dark street. LEAVE THE GLOVE AT HOME, OLD MAN.

Anyway, that leads us to today’s re-visit to an old topic: abhorrent fan behavior! As homos gear up for the World Cup, we should be preparing ourselves to hear more and more terrific stories about sports fans overreacting to garbage. But you don’t have to go to the game itself to be a cock-sucking scum bucket. You can do it from the comfort of your own home now! Here are five traits of awful people that give sports fans a bad reputation:

*The Gotta-Be-Drunk Guy – You see or hear about this all the time during NFL season where bros show up to their seat in worse shape than Jim Irsay and make it awful for everyone around them. They use slurs. They speak at a decibel level that would make a Seahawks home game sound like a non-Baptist church. They have no shame or care about the terrified family in front of them that are about five minutes away from being showered with Busch Reg vomit. These people are awful. Why would you go to a sporting event shit-house drunk anyway? Buzzed…I get it. Fall down drunk and you can’t comprehend or remember what you’re watching? No thanks. Please die.

*Following HS/College Athletes on Twitter Guy – Oh boy, this is an Ohio Buckeye Special right here. I’m sure that rubes in the Souf do it, too, but I don’t care about them. Turds like Damman and Dut have no issue following Raekwon McMillan on the old Twitter machine. Why? Beats the fuck out of me. No athlete has anything important to say. I try to have as few 18 year old black follows as I can and so far I’m still at zero. Following college athletes is really sad. If you can tell me the point of this, maybe I will apologize. But I doubt that you have a decent reason for this borderline homo behavior.

*Actually Tweeting at HS/College Athletes Guy – To your credit, at least you aren’t trying to communicate with them. I am Facebook Friends with a WalMart Wolverine that was FB friends with Tim Hardaway Jr and he would constantly leave comments on his wall. THAT is the saddest thing ever. I personally feel like Chris Hansen should arrest all of the staff at Scouts and other recruiting services because those guys are all gay pedophiles. In conclusion, being an avid follower of recruiting is not my cup of meat and is quite sad.

*The Black and White Fan – We all know that Cakes will never say anything bad about any of his teams. He constantly holds onto hope which makes it even more hilarious when they let him down all the time. On the other hand, Iceman seems to hate his favorite teams more than teams that he actually hates. If the Browns ever win the Super Bowl due to 31 other teams dying in separate plane crashes, he would still be mad at them for passing on Julio Jones. He will never be happy or satisfied. I don’t like these kinds of fans. I believe in balance. You should have equal parts hope and dread as a fan. Fire the fuck up when good things happen while not being surprised at all when the shit hits the fan because they are A BUNCH OF GODDAMN LOSERS! No one likes or respects Peter Positive or Negative N-word. When in doubt, assume that your team will let you down. But you shouldn’t always assume that they will let you down. You must believe!

*The Sports Talk Radio Caller – This behavior is for the lowest of the low. A chance for your random “Ray from Reynoldsburg” to waste 30 seconds of your commute with his thoughts on saving the team. He has it all figured out and he saw something during the game (after watching the tape a second time of course) that the coaches missed. He knows what it takes to win the league and he doesn’t care how long the radio station asks him to hold. This person is so pathetic. They want to involve the tight end more or pull off a simple 5 team/24 player trade that would launch us straight into Title Town or WE SHOULD BE PLAYING SMOOTH JAZZ! We’ve said it before here and we will say it again: when sports radio shows open up the phone lines, you might as well open up your skull and remove your brain.

If you fall into one of these categories, please stop. You are embarrassing us as an internet blog commenting community of ELITEness. If you fall into numerous categories, then you are Cakes. Cakes is awful. “Wow”—Cakes. And yes, this post was inspired by Cakes tweeting at WKNR with nothing but the most pointless positive sports clichés that you can imagine. FUCK YOU CAKES. You probably bring your ball glove to work.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

There is some small defense with following college affletes (never HS, that's gay). Carlos Hyde, Johnny Manziel and Clowney jump out as great college follows. They are self aware and have fun with it. Granted, 99% are worthless and talk about the "grind" or "getting it", but there are a few worthwhile ones.

Catching batting practice balls is retarded, but since the Cubs don't hit them, I can see the fans reasons here.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I'll touch on all of these....

"The Gotta Be Fall Down Drunk Guy" -- Can't lie...was this guy a few times in college, but figure that's OK. Only time I was a complete disaster was when I got kicked out of a OSU/Georgia Tech basketball game. I deserved it, but Jarrett Jack and others got an earful that day. I also continually heckled Paul Hewitt by unknowingly calling him Herb Sendek for some reason. You know you hit it big when an elderly fan tells you you're an embarrassment to the school. Oh well...fuck you Herb Sendek. But, yeah...I just got happy drunk before big OSU football/basketball games now.

*Baseball glove wearers...especially these BP ones you speak of...yeah...complete losers.

*I don't really see anything wrong with following some college athletes on twitter. I follow people to be entertained and they can be great follows depending on idiotic things they say, pictures of hot girls they take, etc. If you don't entertain me then I don't follow you. Now I don't tweet at them....even I find people that tweet at recruits/current college players about how awesome they are to be creepy. I also don't hate tweet at college athletes that I dislike...even Michigan ones.

*The Cakes/Iceman sides of the coin are pretty good...you could throw Damman in there on the idiotic Tribe fan side. At least he doesn't do "tweet longer" tweets like Cakes does now where he thinks people want to read paragraphs about his opinions.

*Sports radio caller....never called into one. The point about willing to wait on hold for who knows how long just so you can talk for 30 seconds is great. I do get a chuckle at just how worked up these type of people must get when they hear people on the radio say things that they disagree with.

Grumpy said...

Every year at the Steelers/Bengals game in Cincy we get the two falling down drunk before the game Bengal fans in the seats right behind us. Makes for a fun day. I stay focused while Mrs. Grumpy handles them.

Anonymous said...

Following college athletes is fair game. Gives a good insight sometimes into what is going on with the team. I apologize for nothing.

I've only ever hate tweeted one athlete...Nick Swisher. And it was great.

Drool is just getting a little irritated because his butt hole is just getting a little tighter now that the Tribe has knocked off 6 games off of the Tiger lead in two weeks.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Now I'm obviously not an expert on Twitter (yet) but I use it to stay informed on news/hot takes. I don't give any sort of a shit what a teenager is up to. Like, who the hell are the people that follow Bieber and WHY?

Although I am currently in a bit of a tussle with The Torg so we'll see how that goes. But he deserves it for actually saying that this NBA Finals matchup is boring. WTF BRO R U SERIOUS?

Drew's Paul Hewitt story is always funny. That drunk man does not see color!

GMoney said...

Gives a good insight sometimes into what is going on with the team.

I'm going to need at least one example. Like does Broxton tweet out the gameplan or is it just "made it through practice without a trip to the ER, getting ready to lose two straight games to end the season LOL"? There is no way that they are giving out dynamite news bites. You are a star fucker.

Anonymous said...

Is following college athletes the coolest thing that I do? Probably not. I'll leave it at that.

I am ELITE in all other aspects of my fanhood (hate thundersticks, hate the O-H-I-O cheer, etc.) that I am allowed one questionable practice.

Jeff, how are you enjoying the schooling that the Tribe is administering to the Sox this week?

-Damman

Anonymous said...

"On the other hand, Iceman seems to hate his favorite teams more than teams that he actually hates. If the Browns ever win the Super Bowl due to 31 other teams dying in separate plane crashes, he would still be mad at them for passing on Julio Jones. He will never be happy or satisfied."

I'm glad someone finally called him out on this... Sorry Ice, but I agree with G$ here - sometimes I wonder who you are actually a fan of, a team or you just enjoy bashing a team you say you like? C'mon man, I know its hard as a Browns fan, but gotta have some faith at some point... that's the other reason to be a fan.

Seal

Anonymous said...

*only, not other

Jeff said...

You mean the World Champion Red Sox? I'm doing just fine, you're cute though.

Ice enjoys ripping on Mike Tomlin more than cheering for the Browns. FACT

GMoney said...

Should I be impressed that Cakes keeps getting sucked in year after year after year? His teams have given him almost zero reason to believe in them but he comes crawling back anyway. I bet that Mrs. Cakes beats the shit out of him every night and he keeps saying that it was his fault for making her angry.

Anonymous said...

Anyone who wears tinted glasses and continues to live on the outskirts of BG can only know desperation. This is not to be chastised nor applauded, only studied for its boldness in its depravity.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Jeff....pay Damman no worries. He's basically bragging about being a game out of last place.

--Drew

GMoney said...

You shut your whore mouf, Ide. Modeling your appearance after Jim Tressel is as noble as it gets, BRAH!

Drew, that might be the best point you've ever made.

Jeff said...

"Anyone who wears tinted glasses and continues to live on the outskirts of BG can only know desperation"

Walk off!

T. Iceman said...

"I am Facebook Friends with a WalMart Wolverine that was FB friends with Tim Hardaway Jr"

Is this the same guy who denounced the Browns after trading Richardson...then totally went back on it? I think it is.

"On the other hand, Iceman seems to hate his favorite teams more than teams that he actually hates."

Hold the fuck on for a sec here. Yes. I am hard on the teams I watch and for good reason. I pay money for merch, seats, beer, food, etc. so I expect my money to produce a winner at some point. For as hard as I am on Michigan football/basketball and the Pistons, I am equally generous in praising them when they do something good. Because the gaps between poop and being good aren't that large with the above teams mentioned. Eventually they bounce back. Even though the Pistons are starting to flirt with being constantly shitty recently, they just hired SVG which means they should be turning things around shortly.

FAITH?? In what?! That is the most LOL thing ever commented here. When the Browns have only played about 10 meaningful football games in the last 15 fucking years...they don't deserve credit for ANYTHING until they prove it on the field. I gave 10 years of my life "believing" this would be the year. But this team has let me down at almost every turn for more than a decade so why should I praise them for anything until it starts translating to wins? What are you saying? I should be pumped about "moral victories"? I should say shit like, "Well...we got swept by the Steelers again this year but at least they only beat us by 21 and not 42 like last year. HARF HARF HARF!!"? I should get juiced about all the first round draft picks we make that won't be on the roster in 5 years? EXCITED about the blue chip WR prospects we passed on after knowing about Gordon's suspension? BELIEVE that this is the year we'll finally find a franchise quarterback after 15 years of duds?? EL to the OH to the motherfucking EL. Fuck that. Give me wins then I'll start singing your praises. I'll still watch and will always be a fan but at this point I've earned the right to be constantly pissed off at the horrible product that gets nonchalantly tossed out every Sunday. Maybe some of you assholes should follow my lead.

GMoney said...

Iceman is just mad because we have him figured out and that troof bomb is hard to swallow.

I'm not asking you to be a drooling homertard like Cakes. I just think that you are TOO hard on your brosephs. If you don't believe in them then why would they believe in themselves!!!

My alma mater went 0-12 last year (LOL!) yet I re-upped my season tickets and believe that we can get bowl eligible with a few breaks. THAT is fucking stupid but here I am thinking about tailGREATS anyway.

T. Iceman said...

And I don't think I'm too hard at all. The Browns have had 2 winning seasons in 15 years. It's pathetic. The Colts went from 1-15 to making the playoffs just one year later and are going to be relevant again for the next 15 years. There are teams that were perennial bottom feeders then recovered to play in Super Bowls in the same amount of time the Browns have been back in the league. Other teams get better, the Browns keep pumping out 4 win seasons. It's pathetic and frustrating. Show me some progress and I'll change my tune. Until then, I'm allowed to be angry.

GMoney said...

You haven't fired your coach yet...PROGRESS!

Cakes said...

-In my defense, I'm never a "caller". I only use Twitter to get my HOT TAEKS on the air. How else can I share my wealth of knowledge with the world?

-Mrs. Cakes never has any idea what is going on in the sports world. All she knows is when 7:00 rolls around, she needs to go watch her witch dramas in the bedroom.

-I could be critical of all my teams constantly if I wanted to but that doesn't sound very fun. I don't want to turn into Iceman. I'd rather focus on what small positives each of my teams bring to the table. It's going to make the multiple championships coming my way in the future much more enjoyable.

Anonymous said...

You're allowed to be as angry as you want, but pigging backing on top of rival fans to bash to home team is just something I dont see most fans doing. You can be whatever fan you want... and I agree with most of what you said, because we do suck, year in and year out. It's actually impressive how long we have sucked. But IF you are a fan, at some point I feel like I should have seen a comment or two to show me that you actually are a fan. If I were an outsider that just started reading a couple months ago, I would actually think you were a fan of no one and just loved bashing everyone's teams (speaking of the NFL).

Seal

T. Iceman said...

"But IF you are a fan, at some point I feel like I should have seen a comment or two to show me that you actually are a fan. If I were an outsider that just started reading a couple months ago, I would actually think you were a fan of no one and just loved bashing everyone's teams (speaking of the NFL)."

That should speak to how embarrassing the Browns have been, Seal. It's been at least 4 years since I've been able to praise them.

Anonymous said...

dphYea man... it's really bad. But I will admit I am still one of those stupid homers that has hope for our team this time of year. Say this stuff come November and I will probably be the first guy to piggy back on bashing away at them.

Seal

Anonymous said...

dphYea man... it's really bad. But I will admit I am still one of those stupid homers that has hope for our team this time of year. Say this stuff come November and I will probably be the first guy to piggy back on bashing away at them.

Seal

Cakes said...

The offseason is the ONLY time you are allowed to be hopeful for the Browns. Everything looks good on paper right now. What's the problem with being a little optomistic rather than a condescending asshole all the time?

If the season starts and the Browns drop the first 3, then I'll join you at your pity party. Until then, we are technically tied for first.

Prime99 said...

I've even been annoyed by Cubs fans at Wrigley. One dude in the bleachers was WASTED and yelling at then Mets OF Shawn Greene. His two zingers over and over were, "YOUUUUU SUUUUCK!" and "Shawn Greene is gay" (to the tune of YMCA.) I need more creativity if you want respect on your troll game.

The is a spectrum of 1-10 (10 being CAKES and 1 being Iceman) where you should fall around 6-7. Slightly being a homer and not annoying, while being realistic about you teams (and not hating them.)

Trolling Marshall Henderson is always a good move.

T. Iceman said...

The Browns are the only team I do this with because they're the only team that is totally pathetic year after year like clockwork. If it's all the same I'd just rather not get my hopes up at all since I'm pretty sure what the result is going to be.

GMoney said...

I don't want to turn into Iceman.

ELITE point.

GMoney said...

Would you jump on board if Mike Pettine only wore a black leather vest and there was random glass shattering whenever he walked into a room?

Because he is pretty much a weird combination of Stone Cold and King Kong Bundy. That is your coach. I want to root for that guy.

T. Iceman said...

"The offseason is the ONLY time you are allowed to be hopeful for the Browns"

Once again...Cakes is full of shit. That guy is totally invested every season until the Browns are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. So...around week 9? Shit...even last year he was yapping about a possibility of the playoffs when Hoyer found a way to win a couple games early.

Like I said...I would cut the Browns some slack if they have EVER shown me they're heading in the right direction. But they are yet to do that so I will continue to be surly.

Cakes said...

Why wouldn't I be invested until they are mathematically eliminated? The goal every season is to make the playoffs right?

I'm sorry but when Hoyer was on the field for those 9 quarters, did they not look like a totally different football team? Who knows what would've happened had he not shattered his knee into a thousand pieces.

Why aren't you excited for the season? Because they didn't draft Sammy? Get the fuck over it. Farmer drafted very well and possibly got FOUR starters out of it plus another 1st for next season.

GMoney said...

Yeah, Iceman, get pumped for 2015!

Cakes said...

Two random thoughts. I clicked on the "FUCK YOU CAKES" tag for the first time today and didn't realize how much G$ liked telling me to fuck off. I mean, I kind of expect it on a day by day basis but seeing the long list of posts really drove the point home.

Second, is The Money Shot golf outing still a thing we're doing? I wrote the date down as the 28th of this month. Is that still a go?

T. Iceman said...

Cakes says the off-season is the only time to be hopeful about the Browns. Then I call him out on being hopeful during the season when everyone knows the Browns will finish with no more than 5 wins. THEN Cakes asks why he shouldn't be invested and hopeful during the regular season until elimination...right after he said you should only be hopeful during the off season.

You talk in fucking circles, man. The Browns are TOTES in your head.

Why am I not excited for this season? Because we haven't had more than 5 wins since 2007. And we just lost our top playmaker from last year for most likely the season. And did I mention we'll probably have ANOTHER rookie starting QB this year? Yeah. Let's fucking party it up about how great this season looks to be.

Cakes said...

So come Week 1, you're just going to skip the game and walk around Gainesville with your head down while kicking stones. GREAT! Sounds fun.

I'm fucking pumped for the season until the Browns give me a reason not to be.

Luckily I don't have to think about the Browns for awhile because TRIBETIME.

T. Iceman said...

No. What I'm going to do is watch the game until halftime then start watching another game that isn't a blowout. Then be glad that I'm not so emotionally invested where I contemplate cutting my wrists.

GMoney said...

But at least you're relevant with a dash of TRANSCENDENCE now!

You will be stuck with Jags games unless your garage sale was a DirecTV Sunday Ticket Fund.

I blocked 6/28 from my assignor so that he wouldn't stick me with a doubleheader (games and/or dildo) that day so golf better still be on.

Anonymous said...

Cakes, don't let Iceman bring you down. It will only make it that much sweeter when Iceman sheepishly gets back on the bandwagon after we beat the trailer trash in Week 1 with Johnny Pigskin twirling spirals all over Hines Field.

Yes, you're off the bandwagon, Ice. This display of hatred of your supposed favorite team will not be tolerated any longer. You'll be like Randy Quaid in Major League 2 and we'll welcome you back.

That's the point of being a fan through the bad times (Yes, I know that the bad times for the Browns have lasted a long, long time). It will make the good times that much sweeter when they happen. You'll deprived of that joy unfortunately.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Yeah, bold stances are rewarded with ridicule. I decided to forgo my Browns talk until the draft. SMART TEAM HATING. They weren't worth my ire. Now, I'm back seamlessly in their good graces. Your transgressions will haunt you come playoff time.

This blog never forgets.

I would be far more concerned with your NONELITE college team though. What a bunch of OVERRATED rapists.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Iceman, if JMFF guides the Browns to the playoffs, will you be willing to shave "Manziel" into your head?

GMoney said...

There are two truths in life:

1. Winter is coming.
2. This blog never forgets.

T. Iceman said...

You guys are confused. I never stopped being a fan of the team and I never will. I'll still watch, I'll still waste my money on Browns clothes and I'll still go to games (Cleveland at Jacksonville!!! What a game that'll be!!!) But what I won't do is get my hopes up for a team that always lets me down. Of course I'll be happy if they start winning again. But I'm not going through that emotional roller coaster anymore. As of right now I'm watching the Browns assuming they will finish 4-12. If they do...I'm okay because I expected it. But if they somehow make the playoffs then holy shit! I'll be that much more pumped.

And you guys are high if you don't think I'll have Sunday ticket in Florida. The package we're looking at is cheaper than cable AND we get all the premium channels including the ticket. As well as regional sports from all over the country. So I won't miss any sideline shots of Hoke without a headset on.

Prime99 said...

A Drooler always pays his bets.