John Harbaugh: Thanks, Coach Hitler.
JK: It's Klinsmann.
Jim Harbaugh: Klansman? It's about time that we got one of our own in the coaching ranks!
JK: No, KLINSMANN. I am German but I am not a Nazi and I have never been in your KKK. I am an American citizen. And please, call me Jurgen.
John: Like the hand lotion? Big John (point at junk) is a big fan of yours.
JK: Now you're talking about Jergens. My name is Jurgen.
Jim: BRAH, Jergens is the stuff that Colin Kaepernick is constantly putting on his elbows. If I'm following this guy correctly, he is saying that he is not a bottle of lotion. Is that right?
JK: (sigh) That is correct. I am a football coach for the US Men's National Team.
John: WHOA! No you fucking don't, Kaiser. WE are football coaches. You do NOT coach football.
Jim: I call it FAGball.
John: Fagball! Good one, bro! I would have never thought of that. OK, get the hell out of here, kraut, so we can talk to your girls about how to properly get fucked by a real man.
(Klinsmann exits the locker room with a "what have I done" look on his face)
Jim: OK, up until yesterday, I was always under the impression that The World Cup is what Frank Gore used to protect his elephant dong but my cunt wife told me that it is some big soccer tournament and you boys don't look like 8 year olds so whatever.
John: Yeah, before I strangled Ray Rice's wife for being a snitch, she was really talking up how much America is getting on board with this US Soccer team. Then Coach Hitler called us up and we weren't doing anything illegal at the time so why the hell not come down to BRAHzil, sodomize a few thousand bubble butts, kill a few thousand scumbags, talk to you losers for a few minutes, and get out of South Mexico before the local federales catch up to us?
Jim: In my opinion, you turds don't use your hands enough. How are you supposed to punt the ball without catching the snap?
Tim Howard: In soccer, you are not allowed to use your hands.
John: What? Why not? Who gives the handjobs then? I'll be honest, 90% of my speech today was going to be about handjobs so now I don't know what to talk about. What kind of sport is this anyway?
Jim: HEY! YOU! GET UP HERE NOW!
Kyle Beckerman: Me? (walks up to the brothers)
John: Nice fucking dreadlocks. You are white. Did you forget that while you were sucking all of your teammate's ball bags? You are a disgrace to your race and your country. KAH-LEE-MAHHHHHHHH!
(John rips out the heart of the cocksucker with the dreadlocks...Jim eats it)
Jim: Queers, I don't know shit about your cute little game but I do know a thing or 2 about winning.
John: Not as much as me, bruh!
Jim: Bitch please, you are OVERRATED.
John: The fuck did you say?
(the brothers take turns punching each other in the nuts for the next 30 minutes)
Clint Dempsey: Ummmm, Coach BRAHs, is Joe Flacco ELITE?
Jim and John: YES!
John: Why does everyone always ask me that? Who do you peter puffers play tomorrow anyway? Mars? The Soviet Union? A robot army?
Jim: What the fuck? Who? Never heard of it.
John: Is that a fictional team or something?
Dempsey: No, Belgium is a consistently good European country about the size of Pennsylvania.
Jim: You flew us down here to motivate you to beat a state that founded The Rooney Rule and is filled with worthless Eagles fans?
(John is sodomizing the corpse of that white guy with the dreadlocks)
Jim: HITLER, GET BACK IN HERE!
JK: It's Jurgen.
John: Look Adolf, I can handle you fucking with Indiana Jones but needing us to beat a bunch of waffle-making fairies, that is unacceptable.
Jim: Ugh, OK then, don't embarrass America any more than you already embarrass your family by playing soccer. Now, fuhrer, you promised to show us your gas chamber.
JK: I told you from the start that I am not who you keep implying me to be. I am a soccer coach and not a dictator from the 1940s.
John: I don't like your tone, boy. That's it. You're done.
(Jim rips off his designer khaki pants to reveal Ned Stark's long sword hanging between his legs. He filets the shit out of Klinsmann. When Jim is finished, Klinsmann looks more like Pizza The Hut than a human.)
John: Incredible sword work, BRAH, now let's get the fuck out of here. Real football starts in a month and I'm sure that we've both got a few guys needing bail money waiting on us back home.
Dempsey: Wait a minute, guys, you can't just murder our coach and leave. One of you has to stick around and lead us into battle.
(John re-breaks Dempsey's nose...Clint is crying like a bitch)
Jim: Fuck you, faggots. Play a real sport. We've got actual men to coach back home.
John: BRO! YOU JUST KILLED HITLER! That explains why the policia haven't shown up. I'll pick up some Hawaiian Punch and krokodil to celebrate.
Jim: Let's get back to America, bruh, we've got some history books to update. Smell ya later, n*****s.