Monday, June 30, 2014

Welcome to BRAHzil

Jurgen Klinsmann: Alright, boys, we made it out of the so-called Group of Death.  We now have a 1 in 16 chance of winning this thing.  You know how I feel about this...we blow and have no chance.  But you guys are probably looking for some positive reinforcement before tomorrow's match with the Belgians so I brought in a couple of guest speakers to get all of you LOSERS in the right frame of mind.  Gentlemen, the floor is yours.

John Harbaugh:  Thanks, Coach Hitler.

JK: It's Klinsmann.

Jim Harbaugh: Klansman?  It's about time that we got one of our own in the coaching ranks!

JK: No, KLINSMANN.  I am German but I am not a Nazi and I have never been in your KKK.  I am an American citizen.  And please, call me Jurgen.

John: Like the hand lotion?  Big John (point at junk) is a big fan of yours.

JK: Now you're talking about Jergens.  My name is Jurgen.

Jim: BRAH, Jergens is the stuff that Colin Kaepernick is constantly putting on his elbows.  If I'm following this guy correctly, he is saying that he is not a bottle of lotion.  Is that right?

JK: (sigh) That is correct.  I am a football coach for the US Men's National Team.

John: WHOA!  No you fucking don't, Kaiser.  WE are football coaches.  You do NOT coach football.

Jim: I call it FAGball.

John:  Fagball!  Good one, bro!  I would have never thought of that.  OK, get the hell out of here, kraut, so we can talk to your girls about how to properly get fucked by a real man.

(Klinsmann exits the locker room with a "what have I done" look on his face)

Jim: OK, up until yesterday, I was always under the impression that The World Cup is what Frank Gore used to protect his elephant dong but my cunt wife told me that it is some big soccer tournament and you boys don't look like 8 year olds so whatever.

John: Yeah, before I strangled Ray Rice's wife for being a snitch, she was really talking up how much America is getting on board with this US Soccer team.  Then Coach Hitler called us up and we weren't doing anything illegal at the time so why the hell not come down to BRAHzil, sodomize a few thousand bubble butts, kill a few thousand scumbags, talk to you losers for a few minutes, and get out of South Mexico before the local federales catch up to us?

Jim: In my opinion, you turds don't use your hands enough.  How are you supposed to punt the ball without catching the snap?

Tim Howard: In soccer, you are not allowed to use your hands.

John: What?  Why not?  Who gives the handjobs then?  I'll be honest, 90% of my speech today was going to be about handjobs so now I don't know what to talk about.  What kind of sport is this anyway?


Kyle Beckerman: Me?  (walks up to the brothers)

John: Nice fucking dreadlocks.  You are white.  Did you forget that while you were sucking all of your teammate's ball bags?  You are a disgrace to your race and your country.  KAH-LEE-MAHHHHHHHH!

(John rips out the heart of the cocksucker with the dreadlocks...Jim eats it)

Jim: Queers, I don't know shit about your cute little game but I do know a thing or 2 about winning.

John: Not as much as me, bruh!

Jim: Bitch please, you are OVERRATED.

John: The fuck did you say?

(the brothers take turns punching each other in the nuts for the next 30 minutes)

Clint Dempsey: Ummmm, Coach BRAHs, is Joe Flacco ELITE?

Jim and John: YES!

John: Why does everyone always ask me that?  Who do you peter puffers play tomorrow anyway?  Mars?  The Soviet Union?  A robot army?

Dempsey: Belgium.

Jim:  What the fuck?  Who?  Never heard of it.

John: Is that a fictional team or something?

Dempsey: No, Belgium is a consistently good European country about the size of Pennsylvania.

Jim: You flew us down here to motivate you to beat a state that founded The Rooney Rule and is filled with worthless Eagles fans?

(John is sodomizing the corpse of that white guy with the dreadlocks)


JK: It's Jurgen.

John: Look Adolf, I can handle you fucking with Indiana Jones but needing us to beat a bunch of waffle-making fairies, that is unacceptable.

Jim: Ugh, OK then, don't embarrass America any more than you already embarrass your family by playing soccer.  Now, fuhrer, you promised to show us your gas chamber.

JK: I told you from the start that I am not who you keep implying me to be.  I am a soccer coach and not a dictator from the 1940s.

John: I don't like your tone, boy.  That's it.  You're done.

(Jim rips off his designer khaki pants to reveal Ned Stark's long sword hanging between his legs.  He filets the shit out of Klinsmann.  When Jim is finished, Klinsmann looks more like Pizza The Hut than a human.)

John: Incredible sword work, BRAH, now let's get the fuck out of here.  Real football starts in a month and I'm sure that we've both got a few guys needing bail money waiting on us back home.

Dempsey: Wait a minute, guys, you can't just murder our coach and leave.  One of you has to stick around and lead us into battle.

(John re-breaks Dempsey's nose...Clint is crying like a bitch)

Jim: Fuck you, faggots.  Play a real sport.  We've got actual men to coach back home.

John: BRO!  YOU JUST KILLED HITLER!  That explains why the policia haven't shown up.  I'll pick up some Hawaiian Punch and krokodil to celebrate.

Jim: Let's get back to America, bruh, we've got some history books to update.  Smell ya later, n*****s.


GMoney said...

This is meant to be a penance for the NBA posts recently. It was either sending the BRAHs to the World Cup or talking about the wild Jason Kidd saga. Consider yourself lucky.

By the way, I rag on soccer a lot but the coach for the Mexicans is absolutely hilarious. He should coach all sports. I need more of that guy.

Grumpy said...

Will there be an NBA Draft re-cap tomorrow?

Mr. Ace said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GMoney said...

Don't give Iceman any ideas. Unless it is about a properly cleaned and feng shui attic of course.

Anonymous said...

Mexico's coach is amazing. He reminds me a lot of Stan Van Gundy. Let's hope Detroit loses hilariously a lot this year. Let's always hope that.

Real solid choke job by Mexico as well. Nothing like seeing a heart wrenching loss being dealt by the fucking Netherlands. Fun fact: soccer is watchable the final 15 minutes + OT during close games.

Also, and I can't stress this enough, watching it on the Mexican channel is ELITE. I have zero idea or care what they are saying, but fuck if it doesn't sound great, always. I watched some ESPN coverage, and I shit you not, they went a full minute without ANY commentating. Flipped over to Univision and you automatically got excited over the worst sport ever. Well played, beaners.

Chile/Brazil was a really good watch too.


Prime99 said...

The BRAHS are a terror and it makes total sense for them to go to the World Cup. Love the Klinsman/Klansman joke!

GMoney said...

By the way, I got to eject a parent from a U16 tourney I was umping on Saturday. It was my first in a looooooooong time. The key is to always wear sunglasses so no one can tell if you are looking at them (also helps with MILFs).

So I'm behind the plate and there is a ground ball to short and the throw pulls the first baseman off of the bag. Doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm watching his foot and signal to my partner (who called him out) that he was off. We get together (like the pros!!!) and I overrule him and call the guy safe. I am walking back to the plate and this dad from Cincy (probably drunk so I'm watching him the whole time behind my sweet shades bro)

G$: Get out. Get out of here now. I've let you whine all game but once you swear, you're done so get out.
Lady next to him: It wasn't him! It was the other team's third base coach (who would have zero reason to scream a swear unless he has Tourette's but I applaud the effort to lie)!
Guy: Well you can KISS MY ASS!
G$: Have a safe drive home.

And that was it. It's a lot of fun to toss people. I should do it more often. While summer ball is far superior to spring ball (better weather, better pay, better competition), people get a lot mouthier when it gets hotter. You have to establish that that shit won't stand.

I didn't hear a peep the rest of the game.

GMoney said...

By the way, I have to credit Amy Schumer for the lotion on the elbows joke (which is a really good joke). Schumer is a pretty solid filthy comedian.

Anonymous said...

You should eject people from Rib Fest until you are the lone man standing.


Anonymous said...

Amy Schumer is indeed ELITE. That joke she cracked on Steve-O about his suicide attempt and his stupid dead friend to his face was priceless.


GMoney said...

Larry would be the first gone for not bowing down and kissing the (cock)ring of Grumpy.

Speaking of that old shithead, he posted some TV news story about the US/Germany game where he was sitting in some restaurant watching it dressed like Uncle Sam. It was pathetic. It's on his Facebook page and you'll see the white Apollo Creed at about 1:30. FAKE HATER.

Cakes said...

The BRAH's make an appearance and stories about G$ swinging his big ol' dick around the diamond. ELITE monday!

Amy Schumer is solid. Her podcast with Joe Rogan was 2.5 hours well spent.

I didn't see any Johnny stories from over the weekend yet. Disappointing.

GMoney said...

Yes, I'm a big fan of sending the boys on the road and letting them take in different events that they don't understand.

Jeff said...

Brahs > all other posts.

Summer parents are the WORST. I coached a summer travel team a couple years ago and the parents are all whiny bitches. Had some parents questions their kid's playing time and sent them an email with their kids stats along with the other players who were playing ahead of him. Never saw or heard from them again.

T. Iceman said...

My new job for the next 3 weeks will be following G$ around and loudly bitching about every call he makes on the diamond. "Clean the horse shit out of your eyes" will be my go to phrase. I'll get booted more than drunk Gene Diemer coaching a little league game.

Tremendous BRAH post. Murder is legal if it doesn't occur on American soil.

GMoney said...

Who watched The Leftovers last night? Interesting premise. It's definitely some heavy subject material but I think it shows promise. Plus Kathy Geiss!

Prime99 said...

Didn't watch the Leftovers yet, but did see BB. Devin is making the worst moves of all time. The Bomb Squad is a dumb alliance name and didn't even last an episode. Turrible.

GMoney said...

Yeah, he's got some insane paranoia. Might have been the quickest alliance desolving of all time.

Prime99 said...

Him freaking out over Donny (who he's tricked into an alliance) was probably the dumbest thing I've seen. Paranoia is the perfect word, G$.

GMoney said...

Goddamn you all to Hell...the BRAHs deserve 20 comments!