Thursday, June 05, 2014

The Spurs Win in 6. Jesus Told Me So.

Yeah, those are Dolphin Tits
Ready the Holy Water, brandish your crucifix, and find your Rite of Exorcism, Mr. Ace is bout to be preachin' from the dark side up in this bitch. CHUUUUUUUCH!

So this entire week I am at a mandatory training before I transition to being a part of my organizations summer program. This training deals with all kinds of counseling jargon; triggers, de-escalation, coping skills, baseline behaviors, reactive aggression. Just a bunch of words that every program has to contain if it wants to get picked up by any institutions. One of the HOTTEST words in the mental health world right now is multi-cultural counseling. This is just a fancy way of saying being able to work with people who aren't like you.

So everybody has to go around and share an experience about working with somebody from a different or difficult background. I almost brought up being internet employed by somebody with Gingervitis, but I didn't want to send everybody into a panic in fear that I might contaminate them. Instead, I talked about a girl at my school who was a practicing Wiccan, or at least her mother was and she believed in it. In simplest terms, Wicca is a religion associated with witchcraft where powers are drawn through gods centered around nature; moon, water, stars, forest, animals, etc.... I remember a time during the school year when she told everybody to go home and flush ice cubes down the toilet because that would bring rain and ice...exactly as the forecast had already predicted...and then school would be cancelled. Turns out school wasn't cancelled and she didn't show up to school the next day to reimburse me for the 80 lb. bag of ice I dumped down my shitter.

But the very first moment I mentioned Wiccan in the training I got a bunch of laughs scoffs. "What the hell is Wiccan?"  "You mean like the movie Witchcraft(UNDERRATED movie)?" "Those people are crazy!" This type of shit infuriates me. Don't get me wrong, Wiccan is kooky as fuck and the people that practice probably have some serious underlying issues, but if you believe in any religion you basically believe in a version of Wiccan that is just 5,000 years older and got sponsored by powerful people. And I know there were at least two major religions represented in the room with me during the training, Christianity and Islam. However, I work for a Catholic organization, so I politely explained that a Wiccan's belief holds no less or more value than that of any other religion.

Again, Wiccan is crazy. There are witches, covens, rituals, and a bunch of crazy fucking shit a hippie on LSD cooked up in England in the 50's. Which probably explains why they LOVE sex. Just the mention of witchcraft brings up thoughts of Hocus Pocus--aka the last time anybody thought Sara Jessica Parker was bangable-- and magic and sorcerers and burning people at the stake. There is zero credibility to be had by claiming to be a witch unless you can back that shit up by turning me into something horrifying on the spot...like Khloe Kardasian's tampon. But do you know what those same people who were laughing in that room believe? They believe that sin originated because of a fucking talking snake. And Noah's Arc. And Jonah and the whale. And all kinds of other shit that some book tells them to believe but they don't even know it. And one of them even worshiped a pedophile prophet; at least Jesus remained pure. The point is, if you believe in any of this boogy woogy holy god bullshit and come across another person who happens to believe in some alternative bullshit then you have two choices; Option A) Accept that other person's beliefs because you realize yours are just as dumb/genius, and know that you're a giant hypocrite because THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GOD GODDAMMIT! or Option B) Have a fucking holy war Armageddon right there on the spot like the good lord would want.
NYAANANANAN NYAANYAANYAANAAA
A smite/prayer/hymnal battle to the death.

So in the spirit of making fun of religions, which one is the absolute, batshit craziest of the bunch?

Mormon-- Magic underpants, no birthdays, o booze(unless you grow it and make it or some shit), reincarnation, jesus in Merica, multiple heavens, multiple gods, multiple worlds. Somebody took all the dumb shit from other religions, put them in a hat, and just started writing shit as they pulled them out.

Scientology-- Literally a work of science fiction. Intergalactic ruler who spawned alien ghosts. Eventually people develop super powers. Tom Cruise. Cult members tried to infiltrate the FBI to get tax exemption.

Islam-- Terrorism(and this isn't any form of bigotry. Islam has cornered the market on terrorism). No yawning...seriously. They have a fucking competition for kids to see who can recite the Quran word for word to win a cash prize. Hates women...but mostly their vaginas. Thinks Jesus and Muhammad are homeboys. Obviously the whole 72 virgins in heaven thing. And don't forget Ramadan. Basically copied from Christianity and Judaism.

Catholicism-- Believes that during communion the bread and wine actually turn into flesh and blood upon ingestion...making the phrase "Get in my mouth, Jesus!" okay. Alter boys. You can commit the most heinous of acts(Alter boys) and repent and be totally forgiven by god. Or wear a cilice to show remorse for your past actions. Stigmata. Exorcism. And don't you dare pull out that fleshlight. Basically copied from Judaism.

Judaism-- Have you heard of the Shabbat laws? I know it is mostly(entirely?) followed by Orthodox Jews, but look that shit up. Although I can totally get behind the idea of the Niddah.

I chose these 5 because we have the two mainstream crazies in Mormonism and Scientology and then representatives of the three major world religions, even though the Hindu cow worshipers should not be forgotten. There are literally thousands of religions out there, several of them based in cannibalism and all kinds of other weird shit, so these probably aren't even in the top 100 of crazy religions. And I'm pretty sure Scientology is just an elaborate con job, which, I guess, is the definition that I typically use for religion anyways. Good ol' L. Ron.

I think Islam has to win it. They really hate chicks, but love ghost virgins. And then when you factor in the Nation of Domination/Islam it really puts it on a different level. So folks, if you see somebody from a different belief system today tell them that it's crazy, and then punch yourself in the face. Today is your conversion day.

And because I can't go an entire post without talking about the Spurs, leave your predictions in the comments. I'll take Spurs in 6. ASSALAMU ALAIKUM! DOLPHIN TITS!

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

A vote for Islam is a vote against Grumpy. Your blaspheming has been noted.

Irish Catholic or GTFO!

Yay Kings!

Ide

Anonymous said...

Personally, Jehovah's Witnesses frighten me the most. Not allowed to celebrate anything that resembles a holiday? Must work try and work on holidays to prove that it's a normal day? Get the fuck outta here.

I agree that they are all dumb/crazy talk tho and agree with your Wiccan point.

Heat in 6.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

How do you leave out the Church of the Nazarene?

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, are you trolling me with dog attack emails?

Jehovahs/LDS totes deserve a spot at the top. A bunch of lunch pail believers and factor backs IMO.

Ide, there is some white supremacist religion called "Creativity" that is all about the expansion and promotion of the white race. You should look into it. I'm sure there is an NYC Chapter.

Anonymous said...

Ide looks too much like a Jew to be allowed into something Klan-like.

--Drew

GMoney said...

When I think of Hocus Pocus, I think of ICP so I go buy a 2 liter of Faygo.

Pretty ELITE Money Shot breakdown on religion IMO. It's what you would expect from this site.

I would agree that Islam is the money religion (please don't blow me up, Akmed). If you ask me, the scarier that you are the more legit you are.

As a Catholic, you really have to wonder how our global perception would be had we not fucked little boys in the confession booth. That is a locker room killer. Sounds like the new pope is ELITE though. People seem to like him.

I TOTES agree that if you are a believer then you better not rip on other people. Except for Mormons and Scientologists OBVZ.

How did you write this post and ignore those Baptist black churches in the South that sing for three hours? Seems right up your alley.

Grumpy said...

"Ide looks too much like a Jew to be allowed into something Klan-like."

Actually, he does.

Mr. Ace said...

I went to one of those Baptist black churches...In Mansfield. So it wasn't southern, but it was a terrifying experience nonetheless. If you're talking Christianity then it has to be Catholics. They are the originators of super cray in the name of Christ. How is Super Cray in the Name of Christ not a Christian rap group name?

I do like the message the new Pope is putting out there. I'm sure it's a massive cover up of something awful. Like Catholics created homosexuality.

GMoney said...

"Ide looks too much like a Jew to be allowed into something Klan-like."

Sounds like we have a slogan for RibFest!

Jeff said...

What about the Westboro Baptist Church?

Purgatory and indulgences are a crock of shit, but I guess once you've gotten people to believe in the idea of an afterlife you can push that. Getting people to pay actual money to the church for the sins committed by the deceased is a hell of a sales pitch!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Muslims scare me tremendously. I know on my flight to Vegas a couple months back, the first thing I did was scout the area for Middle Easterny looking folk.

Get those brooms out Jeff.

-Damman

GMoney said...

You really have to tip your cap to people that walk around with GOD HATES FAGS signs and also picket the funerals of soldiers.

GMoney said...

Almost forgot: Heat in 6 due to The Way of Wade

And it was really nice to see the Kings wake-up about halfway through and beat the piss out of the Rags. Just completely dominating those fluke fuckers. Barring Henrik pitching shutouts, this should not be too long of a series.

Anonymous said...

It was great shoving it to those asshole Rangers fans. GET FUCKED, YOU GUYS.

Spurs will win. Not because Iceman predicted it, but because he is bad at jinxing things.

Who else is excited for Orange is the New Black tomorrow and this weekend?!

Ide

Cakes said...

AWESOME post. I choose to believe in science and not all of this other bullshit so I think they are all crazy.

Religion is a way to answer the great questions that humanity faces. Where did we come from? Where does space end? How did so many different forms of life come to be on this planet? It's easier to say that a magic dude from the sky created it all rather than try and wrap your head around the actual answers.

I have no problems with people who like to go to church but it's basically just a large clubhouse that you give donations to so that you can hang around people who believe the same sort of crazy shit you do.

Any person who believes in one religion but puts down another is the definition of a hypocrite.

Cakes said...

Oh, almost forgot. TRIBE SWEEP! I seriously can't remember a Red Sox team that is less scary than the one we just pummeled.

GMoney said...

Maybe the one from two years ago that lost a million games and had sex with each other using fried chicken grease as lube???

That said: Brock Holt and Jackie Bradley Jr and Sizemore are terrible players.

Cakes said...

At least that team had notable players on it. They just turned on Valnetine (can you blame them) and it got out of hand. As you said, Sizemore and Co. don't belong in the lineup of the defending world champs.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't care less what you believe in. If it's religion great, science good for you but nothing annoys me more than people who are religious but puts down other religions. Like my grandmother who is baptist but hates Catholics. That makes no sense to me.

Larry

Mr. Ace said...

But if you believe in a religion you basically have to dislike other religions based on the idea that they are worshipping a false god in place of your "true" god. This is the biggest reason why I dislike religion. And the fact that 99% of people are born into whatever supernatural belief they have. I'm not gonna call it child abuse, but if I was raising my kids to worship unicorns somebody would probably come take my kids.

If Parker was healthy I would take the Spurs in 5. I don't think the Heat will have an answer for our offense. And Pop ain't losing to anybody twice in a row.

T. Iceman said...

The main message I got from this post is Ace wants to be Khloe Kardashian's tampon.

The religion argument is fucking stupid because you are never changing the way anyone thinks. Ever. It's just 3 hours of people pissing in each other's faces.

I am religious and I choose to believe in a higher being. I've had experiences in my life that point to something bigger than anything on earth protecting the people on it. But I will never shit on someone for choosing to believe something other than what I believe in. I think understanding the message and just being a good person is what most religions are after anyway.

Heat in 7 because Spoelstra is almost as ELITE as Popvich.

GMoney said...

Ide worships Train. Never forget.

Anonymous said...

Listen, I know religion is a touchy subject and I don't want to stir the pot more but...

Enough is enough, Ace. We all get it. You're anti-religion and that's fine. It's you life and you can believe or not believe in whatever you please. But I'm a Christian and don't like being told what a moron I am and that I believe in unicorns. It seems like you do what you claim religious fanatics do all the time (and I relaize that certain groups do, not arguing this fact) by ramming your beliefs down our throat and saying that anyone that disagrees with you is an idiot.

I'm far from perfect and have never claimed otherwise (see above comment about Muslims on airplanes), but I try to do the right thing most of the time in my life and that has a lot to do with my Christian beliefs. Is that so horrible.

Now that I've a complete buzz kill on the comments...

-Damman

T. Iceman said...

I'm with you, Damman. It's pretty hypocritical to chastise people who publicly worship their God, then turn right around and use an internet blog as public forum to preach how dumb those people are.

GMoney said...

BOOM! He also thinks that he knows more than veterinarians! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

Anonymous said...

Damman & Iceman...Well said. You each deserve a slow clap ovation like Hastings return to two a days

Burke

GMoney said...

Ape's attempts at bullying those with faith have failed miserably. Maybe he can take solace in whatever bloodthirsty pit bull god that he worships. Hell, he probably worships Pit Bull AKA Mr. Worldwide.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Damman as well. Feel free to believe/not believe whatever you want, but it is a lot of bullshit to put others down for their beliefs. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but in turn you have to respect the other opinions. And since you are an expert on Catholic religion, you probably already know that during the Mass, my priest always says a short prayer for the unity of all religions and invites everyone to come up at communion for a blessing, no matter what their religion is.

This is why religion (much like politics) is not good for open forum discussions.

-Ohio Nate, Catholic

Anonymous said...

I must say...even tho I most definitely do not believe in religion...these guys are correct. No difference in annoyance between bible thumpers and "U believe in God so u r so dumb fo real" people.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I do need to ask. Damman...why is treating people nice a "big" part of your beliefs? If you weren't religious you would just treat people like shit? That makes no sense.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

My standing slow clap ovation will never be as emotional as the RETURN OF THE STACK! (Daddy), Buke.

GMoney said...

Oh yeah. Jesus prevents Damman from stabbing everyone in his path.

The real question is whether Verlander will ever stop getting shelled again???

GMoney said...

There is no greater bonding exercise in the comments than when we all collectively join forces to hate Mr. Ace. That is a FACT.

Mr. Ace said...

Your beliefs are no different than my beliefs in unicorns.

I thought I did a fantastic job of keeping this post as nonjudgmental as possible. I tried not to single out any particular religious belief and focus on the similarities that they all have. And my situation at my training provided the perfect example for that.

I am not in the camp of religious beliefs deserve complete and total respect. I am in the camp of question everything and understanding the true origin of your own religion as well as others beliefs.

If religion was just your own personal belief then that would be okay. But it's not. You didn't choose your belief. It was indoctrinated into you. They may have changed or you may have broken away from it, but odds are your beliefs are damn near identical to what they were growing up and what your family believes.

And I didn't take my post to that place because I thought we could all handle some surface level conversation about religion, even if I pointed out some of its absurdities that I believe you can see in all of them. And I think we did that for the most part.

And I hate the notion that "insert religion" values is what makes you do the right thing or be moral. Take some fucking credit for being a good human being. You were created to be a social creature. I'd argue that religion has brought much more hate to this world than moral values.

Prime99 said...

Fuck Ape in the neck. He should get a HOYT THIS! for being a religious bigot!

Dolphin tits freak me out.

Cakes said...

I don't know why people get all riled when trying to talk LOGICALLY about religion.

Give me some proof of god (no pieces of toast or water stains) and then I'm on board. Aside from that, I'd rather watch NFL pre-game than listen to some dude in a robe droan on and on about a 2000 year old story book.

Tigers giving another solid effort this afternoon. Maybe the Tribe can claim first place by this time next week!

Mr. Ace said...

Better clarify, we have evolved as social creatures so it comes natural to us. I don't BELIEVE in a divine creator that had a purpose for us.

Cakes said...

Shit. I just realized that the 28th is Iceman's going away party. That throws a wrench into my golf commitment to TMS. My bad.

Dolphin tits is hypnotic. I get caught up in it every time I click on the page.

GMoney said...

APE GAY

Anonymous said...

I do question Cakes needing evidence for religion, but he's on board with ghosts now because he and Iceman both paid to be idiots.

Ape's last post was ELITE.

Damman....please answer my question above.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

'If religion was just your own personal belief then that would be okay. But it's not. You didn't choose your belief. It was indoctrinated into you. They may have changed or you may have broken away from it, but odds are your beliefs are damn near identical to what they were growing up and what your family believes."

I'm glad you know us and our families so well. We should be so lucky for you to tell us where and how we came to believe what we believe. Tell us more oh great sage of the world.

Drew, that was probably a poor choice of words.

Cakes, not trying to push religion on anyone...unless it the worship of Tom Hamilton. I was fired up at being called an idiot because of what I believe.

In short, like I said, I have no problem with people that are anti-religion. I have a problem with people who bitch about religion being forced on them and ridicule it and preach tolerance and then turn around and be intolerant themselves.

Ape, let's settle this on the golf course on June 28th.

-Damman



Mr. Ace said...

What I'm saying isn't a personal attack towards anyone. It's an observation of religion whole.

Probably should have brought up the Money Shot open scheduling today. G$ can do that tomorrow.

GMoney said...

Post has already been written. Remind everyone in the comments.

T. Iceman said...

"Give me some proof of god (no pieces of toast or water stains) and then I'm on board."

In 2001 my brother was at a dead stop and rear ended by a semi truck traveling at 60MPH. His car was shot down the highway about 100 to 150 feet while flipping multiple times. He spent 2 weeks in the hospital and walked away...WALKED away...with only a few scars and some surgeries.

Every Highway Patrolman, EMT, nurse and doctor we spoke to that day said that with the specifics of his accident there was almost no possible way he could have survived that wreck, let alone walk away from it. When looking at the photos of his car, every last inch of that vehicle was crushed together as if it went through a trash compactor. Except for the driver's seat. It was almost untouched and nearly intact.

I don't know how much more "proof" you need that there is a God up there looking out for us, Cakes and Ace. But that's all the proof that I needed. My brother should have died that day. According to everyone we spoke to, he should have died. But he didn't. Now you guys can try and explain all that away with "science", circumstance and the cosmos lining up correctly or whatever. But for me, believing God was up in Heaven saying that it wasn't his time yet isn't any more unbelievable or unrealistic than you guys believing everything scientific coming together all at once and converging perfectly at that specific moment in time to save my brother's life.

I'm not sure how many of you will read this since it's close to 5. But my brother is alive and well today and that's my reason. That's why I choose to believe that God is up there and he has a plan for everyone.

Anonymous said...

Ace, did you forget that all of us here are adults, therefore free to think and choose on our own? Yes, when you are a child, your family might instill a certain belief, but once you are capable of thinking freely, you have a choice (such as the one you made in chosing not to believe).
Are there faults with all religions, yes, but there is also fault in saying it's all bullshit and not recognizing people's right/freedom to believe in said religion.
You tout yourself as a free thinker, but yet are closed to any ideas that differ from yours. Seems logical

-Ohio Nate

Mr. Ace said...

Ice, I'm not gonna diminish your experience...or even address it. But ppl randomly die everyday in situations that r totally unpredictable. Can we blame those deaths on gods grand plan too? Like if I told you a story about one of my students who had a brother who died because he was hit by a stray bullet from a block away, with the bullet traveling thru 2 walls and lodging in his kidney, would you attribute that to god too?

Ohio Nate. I don't disagree at all that people have the right to their beliefs, just the same as I have right to call it stupid and/or a fairy tale. U have that same right to criticize my belief. And change isn't easy. I was baptized, confirmed and raised a Lutheran for the first 16 years of my life. Then I started asking questions because the shit just didn't make sense with the science I was learning about. Most people aren't willing to take a critical viewpoint of their own because it's uncomfortable and people, like Damman said, feel like it had made them who they are. It's still not easy for my parents to accept my viewpoint. But I'm thankful they do and didn't pressure me to conform to their own once I started questioning.

GMoney said...

I am so happy that this is not my fight that was needlessly started. I'm looking forward to going home and enjoying some of God's finest work...

Internet porn. It feels like a Brooklyn Chase night.

Mr. Ace said...

I'm sure there is a bible verse that addresses Internet port and its greatness.

Anonymous said...

"I don't disagree at all that people have the right to their beliefs, just the same as I have right to call it stupid and/or a fairy tale. U have that same right to criticize my belief"

The criticizing seemed to be a one-way street today. I didn't see one post saying your beleifs are stupid. Good thing these religious believers are so intolerant of others beliefs.

-Ohio Nate

Anonymous said...

Iceman's "proof" Is awful. He's basically saying a God chooses which kids get raped and murdered.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Religious intolerance towards other religions Is written into almost every holy book. Just because you wonderful individuals didn't attack my "beliefs" doesn't mean that religious folks all over the world feel the same way. Again, this wasn't a personal attack.

Well, I believe that science provides me with enough answers. So if you would like to criticize that go ahead. The beauty of science is it criticizes itself and is always changing. If its current "beliefs" are found to be wrong, it changes.

T. Iceman said...

Part of my belief is that God is out there and he has a plan for all of us. So when people survive accidents and people die tragically, it's part of the plan he constructed. Sometimes it doesn't seem right and it doesn't seem fair...but my belief is that all of those questions will be answered in Heaven. We will understand all of the whys at that point.

Like I said...I have a real life experience that contributes to what I believe. I don't expect everyone to share that belief. And I certainly wouldn't question anyone who doesn't believe what I do because I'm sure they have their reasons. But saying that what I believe is bullshit and stupid is careless and ignorant. It's like Ohio Nate said, as someone who claims to be an open minded free thinker, it seems odd you would be this critical of religion and the people who support it.

Anonymous said...

Is ace trying to say Jesus Christ couldn't hit a curveball?

Larry

GMoney said...

You know, Ace usually comes off as a gigantic pompous ass in his posts but I thought that he was pretty tame today actually.

The final point is that Scientologists and Mormons are the punch lines of humanity and should all be thrown in jail forever.

Mr. Ace said...

Winner=ME! SSDD