|Yeah, those are Dolphin Tits|
So this entire week I am at a mandatory training before I transition to being a part of my organizations summer program. This training deals with all kinds of counseling jargon; triggers, de-escalation, coping skills, baseline behaviors, reactive aggression. Just a bunch of words that every program has to contain if it wants to get picked up by any institutions. One of the HOTTEST words in the mental health world right now is multi-cultural counseling. This is just a fancy way of saying being able to work with people who aren't like you.
So everybody has to go around and share an experience about working with somebody from a different or difficult background. I almost brought up being internet employed by somebody with Gingervitis, but I didn't want to send everybody into a panic in fear that I might contaminate them. Instead, I talked about a girl at my school who was a practicing Wiccan, or at least her mother was and she believed in it. In simplest terms, Wicca is a religion associated with witchcraft where powers are drawn through gods centered around nature; moon, water, stars, forest, animals, etc.... I remember a time during the school year when she told everybody to go home and flush ice cubes down the toilet because that would bring rain and ice...exactly as the forecast had already predicted...and then school would be cancelled. Turns out school wasn't cancelled and she didn't show up to school the next day to reimburse me for the 80 lb. bag of ice I dumped down my shitter.
But the very first moment I mentioned Wiccan in the training I got a bunch of laughs scoffs. "What the hell is Wiccan?" "You mean like the movie Witchcraft(UNDERRATED movie)?" "Those people are crazy!" This type of shit infuriates me. Don't get me wrong, Wiccan is kooky as fuck and the people that practice probably have some serious underlying issues, but if you believe in any religion you basically believe in a version of Wiccan that is just 5,000 years older and got sponsored by powerful people. And I know there were at least two major religions represented in the room with me during the training, Christianity and Islam. However, I work for a Catholic organization, so I politely explained that a Wiccan's belief holds no less or more value than that of any other religion.
Again, Wiccan is crazy. There are witches, covens, rituals, and a bunch of crazy fucking shit a hippie on LSD cooked up in England in the 50's. Which probably explains why they LOVE sex. Just the mention of witchcraft brings up thoughts of Hocus Pocus--aka the last time anybody thought Sara Jessica Parker was bangable-- and magic and sorcerers and burning people at the stake. There is zero credibility to be had by claiming to be a witch unless you can back that shit up by turning me into something horrifying on the spot...like Khloe Kardasian's tampon. But do you know what those same people who were laughing in that room believe? They believe that sin originated because of a fucking talking snake. And Noah's Arc. And Jonah and the whale. And all kinds of other shit that some book tells them to believe but they don't even know it. And one of them even worshiped a pedophile prophet; at least Jesus remained pure. The point is, if you believe in any of this boogy woogy holy god bullshit and come across another person who happens to believe in some alternative bullshit then you have two choices; Option A) Accept that other person's beliefs because you realize yours are just as dumb/genius, and know that you're a giant hypocrite because THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GOD GODDAMMIT! or Option B) Have a fucking holy war Armageddon right there on the spot like the good lord would want.
So in the spirit of making fun of religions, which one is the absolute, batshit craziest of the bunch?
Mormon-- Magic underpants, no birthdays, o booze(unless you grow it and make it or some shit), reincarnation, jesus in Merica, multiple heavens, multiple gods, multiple worlds. Somebody took all the dumb shit from other religions, put them in a hat, and just started writing shit as they pulled them out.
Scientology-- Literally a work of science fiction. Intergalactic ruler who spawned alien ghosts. Eventually people develop super powers. Tom Cruise. Cult members tried to infiltrate the FBI to get tax exemption.
Islam-- Terrorism(and this isn't any form of bigotry. Islam has cornered the market on terrorism). No yawning...seriously. They have a fucking competition for kids to see who can recite the Quran word for word to win a cash prize. Hates women...but mostly their vaginas. Thinks Jesus and Muhammad are homeboys. Obviously the whole 72 virgins in heaven thing. And don't forget Ramadan. Basically copied from Christianity and Judaism.
Catholicism-- Believes that during communion the bread and wine actually turn into flesh and blood upon ingestion...making the phrase "Get in my mouth, Jesus!" okay. Alter boys. You can commit the most heinous of acts(Alter boys) and repent and be totally forgiven by god. Or wear a cilice to show remorse for your past actions. Stigmata. Exorcism. And don't you dare pull out that fleshlight. Basically copied from Judaism.
Judaism-- Have you heard of the Shabbat laws? I know it is mostly(entirely?) followed by Orthodox Jews, but look that shit up. Although I can totally get behind the idea of the Niddah.
I chose these 5 because we have the two mainstream crazies in Mormonism and Scientology and then representatives of the three major world religions, even though the Hindu cow worshipers should not be forgotten. There are literally thousands of religions out there, several of them based in cannibalism and all kinds of other weird shit, so these probably aren't even in the top 100 of crazy religions. And I'm pretty sure Scientology is just an elaborate con job, which, I guess, is the definition that I typically use for religion anyways. Good ol' L. Ron.
I think Islam has to win it. They really hate chicks, but love ghost virgins. And then when you factor in the Nation of Domination/Islam it really puts it on a different level. So folks, if you see somebody from a different belief system today tell them that it's crazy, and then punch yourself in the face. Today is your conversion day.
And because I can't go an entire post without talking about the Spurs, leave your predictions in the comments. I'll take Spurs in 6. ASSALAMU ALAIKUM! DOLPHIN TITS!