Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Street Hoops, TV and Strippers

"Wanna get high and play the bongos with our dicks?"

Not much is happening in the world of sports (outside of Tony Gwynn dying RIP) unless you like baseball (gay) or soccer (gayer) so here's a post of random shit.  Last week Ace illegally used a picture taken of me after schooling some bitches in basketball because he has a weird sexual obsession with me.  I thought about suing but I think I'll get a restraining order instead.  Anyway, here's the story behind that photo.

My buddy Mark called me up and asked if I wanted to play in what was supposed to be a 2 on 2 tournament at Glenwood Park.  It ended up just being 5 on 5.  Apparently a bunch of guys who weren't good enough to make the high school team got into this dick measuring contest on Facebook about who was king of the street hoops.  Since I never turn down a chance to demonstrate perfect BEEFS, I accepted the invitation.

The highlights:

-Nate Byrd hasn't aged.  A day.  And he also had no idea who I was even though he played football with me AND my older brother.  He had his 13 year old kid with him who was better than 98% of the people there.  He also thought it was a good idea to rip heaters in between games.  Also I wouldn't be surprised if he has Toledo gang ties now.  Post game Facebook "party" pics he was tagged in indicated he still enjoys himself some marijuana cigarettes.

-Some random Mexican dude showed up with his son and experiencing that was worth the price of admission.  No one knew him or had any idea where he came from.  He was wearing a Los Bulls Derrick Rose jersey and kept calling his kid "Mijo" which really made me LOL for some reason.  Mexican Derrick Rose was probably top 10 worst players I've ever seen/played with.  He definitely won the hustle award for the day after diving out of bounds to save a ball.  LOL!  So serious!!

-Three Napoleon cops showed up to watch and I have no idea why.  One of them looked 15.  The guy I was guarding started visibly freaking out as soon as the cops rolled in and kept asking people why the they were there.  He was probably a Napoleon drug lord.  They were calling the guy losing his shit about the cops Flacco.  My theory is the cops were there to arrest him for being related to a doofus like Joe Flacco.

-Someone was wearing a Karl Malone Jazz jersey.  I just remember thinking that is a really odd jersey to own.  I didn't realize The Mailman had such a rabid Nap-town following.

-The picture at the end was a little weird but I said fuck it and let them put me in it anyway.  As soon as it was taken I knew it was going on Facebook and I knew you dildos would rip on me for it.

-Me, Nate and his kid were all on a team.  We didn't lose but I'm not going to brag about that.  That's like Damman bragging about all the pussy he slays at a CiCi's buffet in Toledo on Mother's Day.

-It was fun and I would do it again.  It's better than sitting at home watching Parks and Rec re-runs on my couch until it's time to eat dinner.

Wheelz and I just got done watching True Detective last night and I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.  Not because the show wasn't good.  Not at all.  I felt that the show was very good and I really enjoyed it.  But I didn't have the same response to it as I thought I was going to have.  That's the downside of not experiencing something at the same time as the rest of the world.  Something great has the potential to almost be ruined because of people hyping it up.

The phrase "Best Show Ever" was floating around a lot and that's kind of what I was expecting the whole time.  Not true.  I would put Breaking Bad over this show and even Fargo.  McConnaughey and Harrelson both absolutely kill it in the show but I really thought there would be more action.  I was expecting more than just those two impressing the world with their acting chops.  Side note: Michelle Monaghan used to be kinda hot.  She was pretty fucking dumpy on this show.  I'm not sure if that was the intention by the director but yikes.  Not aging well.

True Detective just couldn't live up to the national hype that it was getting and I realize now that that show never had a chance to be the GOAT with me.  But that holds true with most over hyped things.  The same thing happened with Napoleon Dynamite.  But then years later I just realized that movie is just fucking stupid and people were finding it funny for no reason at all.

I just can't help but feel a little cheated after watching True Detective.  It just felt like something was missing.  It was really good and I liked it.  Just not the best thing I've ever watched.  Anyone else experience that with this show or some other show/movie?  I know what I just said will be taken the wrong way by someone so go ahead and take your shots at me.

Wheelz and I hit up a strip club with some friends Saturday night.  First American strip club for me.  I'm a sucker when I'm hammered.  As you all  may remember from a previous post I made, I think strip clubs are stupid.  Being there Saturday just confirmed everything I believe.

The only reason I even bothered with the strip club was because it was bar close and I figured strip clubs were allowed to serve alcohol later than regular bars.  I was wrong but was able to get my mitts on some booze anyway because the guy we were with "knows" somebody.  Plus I thought it would be hilarious to see Wheelz at a strip club since she's never been.  Just as I suspected.  High comedy.

The place was packed which blew my mind for two reasons.  First, they weren't serving booze.  Second the girls weren't even naked and they were all hideous.  One had a c-section scar, another had a beer gut and all of them had on thongs and nipple pasties.  Yet there sat guys on pervert row looking to get close enough to spit in one of the strippers assholes.  Unbelievable waste of money since porn is free.  I eventually went to bed at 6am Sunday morning after cleaning up my dog's diarrhea present he left for me while we were out.

Yeah, I know this post sucks.  There isn't shit to write about and I'm out of ideas.  I guess the USA won yesterday in soccer or something?  All of you fake soccer fans can talk about that if you want.  I'm gonna go get back to TV show marathons on Netflix.


Anonymous said...

How can going to an awful strip club confirm all of your suspicions on them? You realize there are strip clubs with gorgeous girls, right? I'd like to see a pic of Wheelz there...that's funny/Cool.

Soccer game was fun to watch yesterday.


Grumpy said...

When I was your age I loved pick-up games with random guys. Something about mixing all different talent levels made it fun. Once a buddy and I got into a game with two other guys who seemed a little sketchy; we didn't care, we were just looking for a game. Six months later one of these guys was shot execution style while he slept. Still haven't found the killer.

True Detective is too nuanced for your level of intelligence.

Anonymous said...

Iceman. ....thoughts on Manziel's latest stunt?


Mr. Ace said...

There weren't any more highlights/lowlights from that pick up game? I can't believe that.

In my time between college and moving down to Columbus I spent about a year and a half back in Naptown. At least twice a month I played some hoops at either Glenwood or Oakwood with some sketchy folks, a couple of them in that photo with you. I don't remember the white kids name, but he was a total tweaker and would just randomly leave the court and start walking home without saying anything to anybody. I was sure he was coming back with a gun at some point.

I haven't watched true detective. I will at some point. I sure there is a torrent out there. I am a YUGE Woody Harrelson fan so I'm sure it's great.

Anonymous said...

There is a torrent out there. Or you can borrow anyone's HBOGo account. G$ should be giving it to you as a perk for posting on this blog. Granted, that would require signing up online, so that may prove to be difficult to him.

I have recently picked up the rock and started playing around in Brooklyn. I live near a YMCA that gets a considerable amount of traffic, but at $75 a month, there is no way I am going to play in there. Plus, it houses homeless people. They should pay me. So I play in Prospect Park, with a surprising amount of white people, but enough blacks to make it a game.

Fun Fact: I have defeated the last 3 people I played one on one with. One Asian and two blacks (!!).

More Fun Fact: One black guy was fat, but the other one was really short and just terrible. I will take any win that I can get.


GMoney said...

I nearly died when I saw that Karl Malone jersey. The guy wearing it is a big time Redskins fan, too. Another fun FACT about that guy: when I was in 7th grade he got caught bringing a gun to a 7th/8th grade basketball doubleheader at The Snake Pit.

Nate Byrd, for you outsiders, is pretty much the most terrifying man ever (tied with Arvada Thomas IMO). He has definitely killed someone and probably more than that. If I saw Nate Byrd on the sidewalk, I would mos def Mark Cuban my ass to the other side of the street.

I have very fond memories of summer basketball at Glenwood Park. That was an ELITE time. That program hasn't been around in forever and that is a damn shame. No one could stop Hoover and I's pick and roll (probably not true but this is my memory so DEAL WITH IT).

True Detective was really well done, well acted by all, and featured the best TV nudity scene of all time. BUT the Big Bad was kind of weak. I won't spoil who it is but it was built up to be like the President or something.

And yes, I like Fargo more. Not because it's necessarily better but TD isn't really a fun show to watch while Fargo is. 90 minutes tonight for the season finale!

I haven't been to a strip club since my bachelor party. Z told me that he was buying me a double lap dance and asked what I wanted.

"Get me an Asian and a black chick"

It wasn't very ELITE.

GMoney said...

Drew/Iceman, don't ask/answer that Manziel query. That may be tomorrow's post.

Anonymous said...

Damnit that needs discussed!

Iceman needs to bring Wheelz down to C-Bus and the go to a strip club with G$ and preggers. LOLZ what a crew that would be...maybe Grumpy could drive up and join too.

GMoney said...

Why would I take my pregnant wife to a strip joint? This scenario makes little sense.

Anonymous said...

To persuade her to give birth the natural way. Nothing is more convincing than the broad at Kahoots with the c-section scar. Bonus points if it's Brena, I went to school with her.


Prime99 said...

Ide, you do realize the woman doesn't walk in and say, "eh, not feelin' vaginal BIRF. Hook me up wit dat c-section, doc!" Right?

It's hard to comment here on my phone made of cash.

Ice, let's work on getting your mojo back.

Anonymous said...

Some of them do, yes. My sister in law did just that for their second one because they knew it'd be the last one.

If a stripper is making her money with her body, and seeing guys on the side (not uncommon) then a loose vag is a lot more detrimental than a scar.

Now, I realize in many cases they are too skinny or its a health concern, but you're a damn fool to think it's also not optional to every woman.


GMoney said...

Ide, you're out of your element here. Plus, that is why kegels exist, bruh.

Jeff said...

Not much to comment on here.

True Detective and Fargo are great in their own right. Not comparable.

Keep your expectations low and bac high when going to strip clubs.

T. Iceman said...

Some days being unemployed is fun. Stayed up until 3am watching Netflix and just rolled out of bed.

It sounds like Grumpy was playing 2 on 2 against Birdie from Above The Rim.

I guess I will hold off on my Manziel comments until tomorrow as requested. Seeing as I struggled mightily with today's post, I won't ruin G$'s chance at something to write about.

Maybe it's just Toledo that sucks, Drew. The one we went to was supposed to be one of the better ones according to the guy we were with. All I saw were shattered dreams, daddy issues and drug problems. Meth scars aren't hot. Wheelz said she would go back to a strip club only so she could counsel these girls into another profession. That's what is awesome about her eventual line of work. There will never be a shortage of fathers who push their daughters into shoving their tits into random people's faces for money.

T. Iceman said...

I told you there wasn't much too it, Ace. It wasn't like the JCC in town where I've seen about 10 fist fights almost break out. I did hear a story about Wayne Blue trying to hang on the rim at south side park, falling off and breaking both arms at the same time. I LOL'ed pretty hard at that one. How the fuck do you wipe your own ass with two broken arms??

$75 a month for a Y membership in New York isn't bad, Ide. It's $50 a month in Toledo.

TD is great. And I didn't say I didn't get it Grumpy. I really enjoyed it but the hype was too much and it didn't completely live up to the expectations I had.

The old summer tournament that used to happen every year at Glenwood Park was ELITE. The first year I played Kevin Riah tried starting up this weird rivalry with me. The first game I dropped 35 on him. He wore rec specs in 8th grade. LOL.

Prime99 said...

Ide, if you have a c-section initially, you can elect to have one the second time. You have to do some convincing of the doctor, otherwise. Stop being a moron. Vagina stuff is not your expertise. If we need input on huge black cocks, then feel free to speak up.

Mr. Ace said...

Oh man. I used to love watching the 3 on 3 at Glenwood. The Reiser/Good rivalries were ELITE and always chippy. I remember the Iceman bros as well. Those were the days.

T. Iceman said...

Fuck yeah. Those 3 on 3 tourneys did rule. One year it was me, older Ice and my pops. My pops blew his knee out and we had to replace him with my younger brother who was eventually cut from the high school team. We did well but couldn't bring home the trophy. The Good boys were a tough out.

T. Iceman said...

Ide and Prime are about to get into a pussy fight.

Speaking of pussies...the people bitching about your LOL Ghana Facebook status last night was great, Ide. Get a sense of humor, anuses.

GMoney said...

Kevin Riah...ELITE reference for not ELITE person!

Give us a ranking of three on three families. The Wesches had to be up there. Not much size in that house but plenty of white grit.

Ice, what strip club was it? Scarlett's was always the best IMO.

Mr. Ace said...

I have a pretty good 3 on 3/Wesche story but I probably shouldn't bring it up since government names need to be mentioned. Let's just say a member of the Good team didn't like a member of Wesche team because of some alleged past domestic issues. That game as intense. It was like Bad Boys era hoops and nobody was calling fouls.

I have no idea how the Reisers remained ELITE into their 30th and generally PWNd the competition.

Anonymous said...

Ace, if you are referring to the white guy in the celtics gear his name is Devin Coleman and his brother is the guy who died in the semi football league.

Nothing is better than pickup basketball unless it's with a bunch of scrubs like gmoney.


T. Iceman said...

Goods > Wesches. The Wesche family had a weak link in the middle child. All of the Good boys were at least varsity starters. I'm not even sure if the middle Wesche was on varsity his senior year.

I think it was Hush Showgirls, G$? Not sure...I was pretty lit.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I have gotten into a lot of shit over that Ghana comment. The texts have been just as fun.

Prime, like your Westeros map, you are wrong. Here comes the internet to help.

"A planned or elective caesarean section is an elective surgery, meaning that it is scheduled in advance rather than performed because of an unscheduled emergency. Elective caesarean sections may be performed on the basis of an obstetrical or medical indication, or because of a non-indicated maternal request."

That last word was weird. Maternal request? Let's explore that!

"Caesarean delivery on maternal request (CDMR) is a medically unnecessary elective caesarean section, where the conduct of a childbirth via a caesarean section is requested by the pregnant patient."

Oh, geez. It looks like it is almost up to the woman what she wants to do with her body. Not entirely dissimilar to that whole abortion stance. Odd still, you'd think some medical types would have a word to say about women just getting them to avoid 10+ hours of painstaking labor. Oh...

"The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence recommends that if after a women has been provided information on the risk of a planned C-section and she still insists on the procedure it should be provided"

I'll give you concessions that you had a kid so it's more your element, however, you're wrong on this.

Also, and I don't care to look this up, I was under the impression that if you have a c-section the first time, then you must the rest of your pregnancies due to the scar tissue being too weak to withstand a natural childbirth. But, I could be wrong on that.


Anonymous said...

Shit, I had some time to look up my last point.

" If you choose to go through with the VBAC, know that the scar on your uterus could come apart during labor and you could start bleeding. This is called a uterine rupture. If your uterus ruptures, the infant death rate goes up to 40%."

Good call on those options, Prime. I see Demarcus also taught your birthing classes.


Grumpy said...

When it comes to pussies and birth, I'm going with Prime, unless it's about being a pussy, then Ide is the go to guy.

AARP perk: Silver Sneakers membership, free use of any Y in the country. I'm thinking about trying it out one day.

T. Iceman said...

We've hit an all time low today. Arguing about birth.

Cakes said...

TD was an amazing show but I thought the finale was a little weak. I can see how someone might be disappointed after all the hype it received. Still really pumped for season two.

Is this what's going to happen when I finally watch Breaking Bad? It better be everything and more that it's cracked up to be.

I watched the second half of the Americans win
Yesterday and I have to say I didn't hate it. I even found myself cheering. It was a weird feeling to watch a soccer game that I kind of cared about. I'm sort of looking forward to the game on Sunday now. I'm sure we'll get blown out and everyone will stop caring again but it should be somewhat exciting this weekend.

LOL Verlander! That contract is a fucking joke.


GMoney said...

"Uterine Rupture" sounds like a pretty terrific fantasy football team name.

Dynamite dot-connecting there, Larry, and never forget that that guy who died was a complete tool who still thought that he was suited to play full-contact football as a grown man with dependents. Am I saying that he deserved to die? No but he wasn't exactly L-I-V-I-N either.

GMoney said...

I admit to not really paying attention to the birthing debate but I think that the general rule of thumb is that it's safer to push it out naturally than it is to cut it out. I'm just glad that I will never have to grow through that. Let the missus deal with that nonsense.

Prime99 said...

Fuck dude, it's like you can't read. I said, "you have to do some convincing the doctor" as in consulting them and they will tell you it's fucking risky to choose a c-section. No impossible, but it's a big deal. I also said it's common to schedule a c-section after you have one for a first baby. Some women attempt a VBAC, like many of the women from the BIRTHING CLASS I went to with my wife when I had a baby. Did you do this, or did you take snippets from the internet that didn't disagree with what I said?

My point is, a woman doesn't make a decision to have an elective c-section lightly. There is usually a medical reason behind it.

As mentioned, pipe up with black cock facts and I'll give you props for knowing your shit. Until then, GIVE IT A REST.

T. Iceman said...

We actually had a birthing convo last Saturday before our strip club adventure. The guy we were with said his ex-wife ripped pussy to butthole and her snatch was never the same after that. He also said you can schedule c-sections in advance if that's the route you would rather go. I suggest scheduling the c-section unless you want She$'s vag looking like the under belly of an octopus forever and ever.

Anonymous said...

Looks like we are arguing over semantics. Which is odd considering you took umbrage from my off hand stripper joke.


Mr. Ace said...

From what I've heard the pussy to butthole rippage is pretty common. To the point where it is often cut instead of waiting for it to rip. That sounds absolutely horrifying.

GMoney said...

Ape/Iceman, that is actually rare. They don't do much cutting at all anymore. Same thing with "blowouts". Not that common. This is sort of why birthing class was helpful. It answered a lot of questions and old wives tales.

Ape, did your insane sister-in-law have her bastard yet? Let me guess: she has no idea who the father is?

T. Iceman said...

I'd pay the doctor extra for a few more stitches. Make it like a virgin vagina all over again. Money well spent, IMO.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Prime on this one. It is recommended to avoid the c-section. The recovery is a lot longer. They try to avoid them, which is why you hear stories of women that are in labor for so long.
GMoney is also correct regarding the tearing issue. They stretch and massage to prevent it. So GMoney, grab some lube and start stretching that shit out now.
-Ohio Nate (father of 3)

Mr. Ace said...

G$, the baby has been born. And she does know da baby daddy...I think. Although he is complete trash and they haven't spoken to each other for about 6 months. All class, my in-laws.

And I am really relieved that the pussanal rippage is greatly exaggerated.

GMoney said...

Congrats on being an uncle! Poor kid probably has a really white trash name...gotta be breast-feeding like a champ though.

MrsPrime said...

hahahaha this birthing debate is so fucked up. ADORABLE... but fucked up. Lemme know if you want answers from someone who has actually given birth. I'm bored at work. Why not.

GMoney said...

Why is everyone inviting their wives to the commenting station???