Tuesday, June 03, 2014

Predicting A Champion: NBA Edition

Just when you think Ginobili couldn't get any gayer...

So there isn't shit else much going on right now unless you like douchy soccer, baseball or hockey.  And I like none of them.  So instead of pretending to like the above listed sports, let's predict a winner here for this NBA Finals rematch that has the basketball world by the franks and beans.  I think G$ does this (poorly) with the Super Bowl or some other championship game.  I don't know...rarely do I pay attention to the stuff he has going on.  I know...I'm a great asset to this team.  Here we go.

Point Guard - Spurs +2

Tony Parker continues to turn back the clock and is still a top 5 point guard in this league, IMO.  Even though I fucking hate the Spurs, I can give props when it's due.  I'll take Parker on one decent ankle over Chalmers or Cole on 15 healthy ankles any fucking day.  Cole has shown flashes but Chalmers is about as turd as you get at PG.  I'm shocked the Heat haven't been able to scoop someone like Darren Collison over the years and just purposely continue to roll with a bitch like Chalmers.

Shooting Guard - Heat + 3

There is no one better in the league than Dwyane Wade at looking like he just took a violent 2x4 beating to the back of the head when he gets accidentally grazed.  He's always trying to make everyone believe he's about 4 minutes away from actually dying on the court.  Maybe that's why Wade looks so impressive these playoffs.  Because we're expecting him to die after faking one of these phantom injuries.  At the end of the day I trust Wade way more than Ginobili's Corpse and Danny Green combined.

Small Forward - Heat + 4

Lebron is the best player on the planet and that's all that needs to be said.  When you have the best player in basketball on your team you already have a distinct advantage over your opponent.  Especially since LeBron has finally discovered that killer instinct gear since getting to Miami.  You know...the one that says, "You will not be winning this fucking game today" while dropping 50.

Power Forward - Spurs + 3

I'm pretty sure Tim Duncan has been shooting water from the Fountain of Youth up his dick hole the past couple of seasons.  He honestly doesn't look like he's lost anything.  Very impressive.  The Heat have a whole load of LOL at PF headlined by Shane Battier and Haslem.  But OBVZ Spoelstra will be putting a center on Duncan.  It would be idiotic not to.

Center - Heat + 1

I only give them plus one on this because Bosh can't defend in the post.  For every point Bosh will score on Splitter from long range, Splitter will has the potential to at least match that by taking Bosh into the blocks.  Bosh is a bag of pussies and Splitter is a very good post player, as much as Ace likes to dog him.  The same goes if Bosh has to guard Duncan.  Because Bosh has to play either Duncan or Splitter, right?

Bench - Spurs + 3

There is no doubt that the Spurs bench is far superior to the Heat's.  Diaw has tucked the tits away and has been playing great.  Patty Mills has also been surprisingly not awful.  Shit.  At this point I would probably take Mills over Chalmers and Cole if I were a Heat fan.  That's how bad Miami's point guards are.  The only guy you can count on off the Heat bench is Ray Allen.  That is unless you think Rashard Lewis is going to light it up like he did in the last two games vs. Indiana every night.  And you're fucking stupid if you think that.

Coach - Spurs + 1

Even thought Popovich is one of the best coaches in the history of the game, I don't think the gap between him and Spoelstra is that wide.  Sure, Spoelstra has the gift of LeBron James.  But let's not forget that Popovich has also been lucky to have guys like Parker, Duncan, David Robinson for his entire coaching career.  This Heat team has made the NBA Finals four years in a row with LeBron, Wade, Bosh and pretty much nobody else. That is fucking impressive.  I think Spoelstra deserves a little more credit than what he's getting for the success this team is enjoying.

Let's add this up.  Spurs have the edge by a small margin of 1.  So maybe this is the year I eat my words and the Spurs decide to finally win another title.  Or maybe I just gave them the patented Iceman kiss of death and Ace will look like a fuck for the 7th straight year.  A couple things I think we can all agree on is no one wants to see Ace happy and this series will most likely go 7 games while being just as enjoyable as it was last year.  And Ace is a jizz jacket.  Go Heat.


Mr. Ace said...

"Splitter is a very good post player"


And how are you Leonards #1 fan but he gets no mention and the SF position is a +4 for the Heat?

The Spurs will win in 6.

Grumpy said...

I would like to see Ace be happy.

Anonymous said...

He is. Read his incessant dog posts.

I live how this scorching hot rundown negates home court. And LULZ at giving Spoelstra props. The only thing he can coach is a 12 year old Phillipino into a shower. Apparently he sold his logic for pennies on the dollar at his yard sale last week.


GMoney said...

Shane Battier is a PF now? No mention of Birdman Anderson who is a legitimate factor and also the Captain of my Lockout Arrest Fantasy Team? Are we just going to act like THEE Matt Bonner does not exist?

I don't understand your point value system either. My Super Bowl Predictor (trademarked) was hitting at a robust 82% ATS going into this year (I forget who it picked this time). We use point values to predict the final score. I have no clue what this "system" is foreshadowing. There are so many flaws. Will the Spurs win every game by 1? Why weren't outside factors like fans and city and STATE TAX considered?

This is really shoddy system building. Maybe the shoddiest that I have ever seen (and I remember Ape's weirdo gambling system).

Mr. Ace said...


I wasn't going to go HAM in destroying this point system, but....yeah, everything Ide and G$ said times a billion.

Also, Pop has drafted every stud the Spurs have ever had. Even Kawhi Leonard was traded for before playing an NBA game. BUILT vs BOUGHT BITCH.

I am about to flood FB with hot dog taeks until somebody adopts that dog. Because it is the best dog in my house right now and she's been there less than 48 hours. So save yourselves and adopt her.

T. Iceman said...

The point values are just arbitrary numbers I made up as I went along because that's what you do with mail in posts.

The one represents me, G$. I'm number one.

I have been pumping up Leonard but when you play the same position as the best player in the world, it's hard to get excited about what Leonard may do in this series.

Battier is listed as a PF, dick nose.

GMoney said...

All that said, ELITE pic of Ginobili. Unfortunately, the rest of the post does not match the quality and intensity of the pic. RAWR!

T. Iceman said...

That's what I like to do. Hit the top picture out of the park so mail in posts don't seem to mail in-y. Fell short this time.

GMoney said...

I assume that is why Ape always lead with the giant jug GIFs. You won't hear me complain.

Can we talk about a big pet peeve of mine that is related to the Finals. Morons like Larry keep drumming up the STOOPID MJ/LeBron comparisons on social media. Don't lie, bruh, you did it after game 5 when Bron was in foul trouble and thus didn't stuff the stat sheet like usual. STOP DOING THIS. Yes, LeBron is not as decorated as Michael (yet). But you know what, LeBron does a lot of things on the court that Michael could only dream of.

They are both great players. Trying to compare athletes from different generations is completely fucktarded and only showcases that you are the First Take target demographic. Don't do this. Don't get sucked into these conversations. Don't be Skippy Bayless (what I assume Skip named his son).

T. Iceman said...

The people that do that are A: Bulls fans and B: bitter Cavs fans still pissed at LeBron for "The Decision".

Here's the reality. It doesn't matter if LeBron retires with 7 rings or 9 rings or 15 rings. People obsessed with keeping Jordan as the best player to ever live will always dream up something ridiculous in order to keep Jordan at #1. It doesn't matter what LeBron does for the rest of his career. No one will ever put him as a better player than Michael Jordan. Which is stupid. Eventually someone will come around and be better than Jordan. I think that time could be right now but everyone is too busy tearing down to LeBron's game instead of sitting back and really enjoying what they're watching.

Prime99 said...

Jordan is the best. Forevs. But I also don't care if anyone disagrees, nor am I going to try and tweet about it to convert anyone.

We can all agree that Kobe is worse than Bron and MJ, though?

Ice, the multi prong attack is more successful (as G$ mentioned) when putting in items less related to the sporting event. City, fans (Ape counts for -10) and what players moms are most boneable make for a more accurate prediction.

T. Iceman said...

Yeah. We've already determined this post was a failure outside of Ginobili in a Spider-Man banana hammock.

GMoney said...

I just noticed (while staring at his junk OBVZ) that Manu has a Spy Kids movie poster behind him. This somehow makes the pic even better.

Prime99 said...

A Shark Boy and Lava Girl poster would've been so much better.

Cakes said...

I REALLY tried to get through that post, Iceman. Progress.

T. Iceman said...

Maybe next time I'll do the pros and cons of Ryan Raburn. Cakes would TOTES be into that post.

Cakes said...

I would be into that post. Let me know when you have that one teed up.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Iceman on Spoelstra. I think he's a Damn good coach.


T. Iceman said...

The Raburn post would be all cons and very short.

I don't know why people don't give Spoelstra more respect. To be able to take a team with such huge egos on it to the finals 4 straight years is damn good.

Prime99 said...

Iceman's post next week:

Haikus About Obscure Cleveland Indians: Past, Present, and Future

Mr. Ace said...

What huge egos? They all agreed to go to Miami together to win titles! I'm not saying he sucks. I'm saying Pop is worlds better.

Cakes said...

Straight from the ESPN Cleveland website regarding Josh Gordon.

"If Gordon is suspended a minimum of one year, his contract tolls, which means the two years he has remaining will simply pick up whenever he is made active."

I'll accept any apologies in the form of beer or handies.

GMoney said...

If this is from Antoine Grossi than this still proves nothing. And if I recall, "the bell tolls for thee, Grossbard".

I agree that Spo is underrated. I'm not sure that he is some ELITE x's and o's but he has definitely graduated from the Joe Torre School of Managing Egos and that is a big deal.

Anonymous said...

He got three guys who wanted to play together to work together, not a great achievement by any stretch. His X's and O's are shit, and they can be when you have Chalmers firing off passes to WAY OF WADE or Lebron to do with as they please.

His game management and substitutions are all the LULZ.


T. Iceman said...

Worlds better? Come one now...

GMoney said...

By the way, they call Chalmers "Rio". That's really not straight.

Mr. Ace said...


Anonymous said...

Late but Whatevs

The reason for the MJ post are directed to the Miami fans who talked about LBJ passing MJ for the most 25/5/5 games in the playoffs but fail to mention it took 20 more games.

MJ>LBJ forevs is correct prime


GMoney said...

Who gives a shit about 25/5/5? Is that really that remarkable? I used to do that nightly in middle school and those were 8 minute quarters.