Friday, June 13, 2014

Open Forum: Cold Treats!

'nuff said, bruh
It was about this time last year that I wrote an ode to Wendy’s Pretzel Bun Bacon Cheeseburger due to it being fantastic. I don’t know—maybe the time frame is off. Wendy’s needs to bring that thing back though. My blood is flowing almost a little too well. Anyway, it’s time for another drive-thru recommendation from your savior (who does exist) and that works well with the season. S-apostrophe-M-O-R-E a S’more for you and a S’more for me!

Bros. Seriously. BROS. The S’mores Blizzard at DQ should just be called "God’s jizz" because it is the best. I like ice cream but I don’t love it so this isn’t just Cakes and Grumpy declaring The Following to be ELITE after the pilot when it was CLEARLY terrible. I could not recommend this more. It is ELITE. I should also say that I’m not even a big fan of S’mores. Marshmallows are worthless and graham crackers are stupid plus camping is for gutter trash. But this thing is the GOAT. Plus, hot weather and cold treats go hand in hand. So why don’t we discuss COLD TREATS today?

There are no rankings or anything like that. I pretty much just pulled up a menu from an ice cream truck and am listing some items to discuss. If I forgot something that you like, relax and GIVE IT A REST. It is not an intended slight against your character and there is no need to challenge me to a duel. “Pistols at dawn” for not mentioning some weirdo Ben & Jerry’s flavor! Let’s get to it because all of us should have some fond memories of the ice cream truck randomly coming through your hood with a driver who should definitely not be allowed around kids.

*The Blizzard or Flurry or McFlurry - Combining ice cream with cookies/candy bar pieces is a really ELITE idea.  Dairy Queen does it best though.  Probably has a lot to do with The DQ Gang featuring Marcus Holmes.  HUH HUH POTATO GUN.

*FlavorIce - Oh baby...sugar ice in a plastic sleeve!  I saw these at the store last week but they weren't frozen.  They looked weird to me.  I passed on them.  Had they been in their frozen state, I probably would have bought all of them.

*Those triangular Minute Maid popsicles that they sold in your school cafeteria - Remember these?  Terrific.  Purple > Orange > Red

*The Slushy/Icee - I prefer the slush but you always run into the same problem: the second half of your cup is always worthless.  The first half is pure bliss though.

*The Astro Pop - This might also be called a bomb pop.  I don't know.  I'm thinking of those red, white, and blue popsicles that somehow taste just a little different at each other color.  Love 'em and they represent America.

*The Fudgsicle - This sounds like a disgusting sex act but the chocolate popsicle is truly great.

*The Push-Up - One of my all-time favorites.  It's probably sherbet that is in there and sherbet alone is pretty OVERRATED but if you give me an orange creme-cicle push-up and I will blow you forever.  No homo?

*The Ice Cream Sandwich - Kind of a white trash option that leads the nation in being a mess but it has its charm. 

*The ChipWich - Boom.  Two cookies acting as a bun for an inch thick layer of ice cream?  ELITE.

*Dippin’ Dots - ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE!  These things are fucking terrible.  Don't buy them ever.  Do you want to know what the ice cream of the future is?  It's ice cream.

*Lemon/Strawberry Chill - A hidden gem at MLB games and always tastes solid on a scorching ass hot day with 100% swamp ass.

*Klondike - I have a fondness for these as my grandma always had them in her freezer when we visited.  They are average at best but, to me, they have sentimental value.  I would do very little for a Klondike bar though.

*Choco Taco - THE BEN's favorite!  Do they still sell these at Taco Bell?  I feel like they don't.  They really should.

*Frozen versions of the traditional candy bar - Snickers is without question on the Mt Rushmore of candy bars so you are 100% correct that the ice cream version would be tremendous.

*The Drumstick - IMO this is perfect and way superior over the chicken/turkey version.  Waffle cones are ELITE.  Ice cream is always welcome.  Chocolate and nuts not being "Lamar's chocolate nuts" are a great topping. 

I look forward to having my character attacked today for no apparent reason. Just know that if you don’t like ice cream then you should move back to Iran. Maybe you don't eat it much but you should at least enjoy it.  Don't be a reggin'.  Father’s Day is this weekend. I’m pretty sure that my wife got me new socks. FUCK YEAH! See you on Monday…try to not throw up this weekend.

65 comments:

GMoney said...

Apologies for the tardiness...every once in awhile, Blogger is a real assbutt about ignoring scheduled post times.

Please accept two DOMINANT Spurs road wins in Miami as my penance.

Jeff said...

Flintstones Orange Push ups!

Good call on the dippin dots. They suck.

Blizzards are the best.

The Heat showed shades of the old cavs last night. Granted Lebron didn't play awesome, but that supporting cast is just ass. The Spurs are way too deep.

Anonymous said...

Big fan of Klondike. They have different kinds now other than just the regular choclate/vanilla. Cookies and Cream flavor is the best.

The Heat definitely had the look of the old Cavs last night. I was expecting Lebron's bad elbow to act up in the 2nd half.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Not enough is being made out of LeBron's in-game diarrhea. Probably too many pregame dippin' dots. It's all the more impressive that he played pretty well for a guy with doo doo in his shorts.

Mr. Ace said...

The guy who owns Frosty Boy was responsible for me having to give up my dog in 3rd grade. He would call into the police every time my dog was outside barking. My parents gave the dog up to friends who owned a farm and that fat as hole moved 2 months later. Needless to say, I only went to Frosty Boy when a friend was working and I could get free stuff.

I remember walking over to Avina's from the hardware store and raiding their frozen candy bar selection. RIP Avinas.

The only place that I have got ice cream from in Cbus, outside of Graeters or Jenis, is Sonic. The cheesecake blast thing is amazing.

Mr. Ace said...

Bron looked out of it from the beginning. But none of this is on him. He needs to opt out and go to a team with young talent. I saw on twitter somebody posting a potential starting lineup for the Sixers as MCW-Thadeuss Young- Bron- Vonleh- Noel. That looks pretty nice and they have a ton of cap space. He probably won't end up in Philly, but he needs to find a situation similar.

The Spurs are ELITE just like I told all of you. And just like I told all of you Patty Mills and Boris Diaw are killers off the bench...or starting now in Diaws case. I love this team. Way different from the Spurs teams of the past. Splitter is still ass.

GMoney said...

Gary Warneke is truly an asshole. I would not be all that upset if he were dead. If you had an in at Frosty Boy and could get the hook up, it was like stealing from Satan which made it OK.

Avinas is still around. They just do screen printing t-shirts and other weird shit now instead of renting pornos and WWF PPVs.

Trust me, bruh, go get yourself a S'mores Blizzard this weekend.

GMoney said...

There is no way that he goes to Philly because that team isn't even close to being title ready. He's going to be 30 soon and has logged a LOT of miles on his poopy body. He isn't going to team project. The Cavs have a better corps than that anyway.

Prime99 said...

Running Zack was bit on the face by some twat kid that's a year older than him at daycare. We may move daycare, but it is undecided. It is an ELITE way to get a week free, and the zombie kid has to be reported as dangerous.

Point being, I worked late yesterday and went by the store on the way home. I got Mrs. Prime and myself a frozen treat to relax and de-stress and went with Reese's ice cream peanut butter cups. They should be illegal. Damn good!

Frosty Boy only gets extra points for fucking with Ape. I bet there was year round heart worm meds on that farm. He probably saved the dog then ate ice cream out of a mini MLB helmet.

Mr. Ace said...

Is it called Avinas still? It has been through a couple transitions. That back corner full of wrestlemania/royal rumble/everything wrestling was fucking gold.

Sixers would have enough space to get another stud in free agency. Maybe the Cavs do too.

Mr. Ace said...

Biters are the worst. Prime, your kid will now become a biter. Seriously, once a kid gets bit they bite other kids. Congrats on your zombie child.

T. Iceman said...

Yeah. Avinas is still there. At least it was last Monday after my ELITE Glenwood hoops performance.

I really have no problem with your list. Pretty well formulated, IMO. I've never had the S'Mores blizzard but I've had a S'Mores sundae from a place in town called Mr. Freeze and I can join your crusade in saying this is something everyone must have. The only thing that blows is Mr. Freeze is a fucking crack house for locals so it's really hard to get ice cream there unless you wait an hour or eat ice cream at 2pm on a Wednesday. The lines in the summer time stretch to the road with fat swine breathing heavy and drooling all over themselves. I refuse to wait more than 15 minutes to get my ice cream so it's hard for me to get Mr. Freeze. But they do have this creation called a Puppy Chow sundae that is almost worth the wait. Holy fucking shit. It is about as ELITE as it gets.

Mom and Pop ice cream shops > national chains but the M&P places need to get hip to the times. The places that don't keep winter hours and are cash only can get fucked straight to hell.

This series is over. I hate that the Spurs (especially Ginobili) are winning another title but they are clearly the best team. I have less of a problem with the best team winning it. Even though I hate them. And Danny Green should never be allowed to win championship rings.

Prime99 said...

We know, Ace. We pulled Zack today because he already bit Mrs. Prime. It's frustrating and we are doing damage control.

GMoney said...

Oh God, Prime has his very own Deputy Dipshit now. Go get him a sheriff hat post haste!

Puppy Chow Sundae? I approve of this idea.

Winter hours for an ice cream shop? That seems like a waste of time and money. That would be like making a gigantic pot of chili when it's 95 degrees outside. Sure, it's not a horrible idea but it doesn't really make a ton of sense either.

Prime99 said...

ZAAAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!

Jeff said...

^

You better be putting beans in that shit!

Anonymous said...

Blizzards are indeed ELITE.

I always like these make your own fro-yo dish places that are popping up all over. It can get pricey as you get greedy and keep adding ridiculously tasty toppings...but, who doesn't like a bad ass ice cream sundae?

Dippin' Dots do blow goats.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Fuck yes winter hours for ice cream shops! Just because it's 20 degrees outside doesn't mean my taste buds stop craving frozen treats. If something is delicious, it is delicious all of the time. Not just seasonally. There are plenty of ice cream shops that keep winter hours. Why not all of them? Not eating something that tastes awesome just because it doesn't "fit the season" is so dumb.

GMoney said...

All I'm saying is that you tend to not crave things depending on the season. Like, I'm not hankering for a Christmas Ale at the moment.

You are in the minority though, creamback. If you want a winter bowl you should go to the store and get your own damn pint. Stop asking Ma and Pa to stay open and wait for you and no one else.

Anonymous said...

I agree with winter hours. Sometimes you just need a tasty frozen treat.
Soft serve ice cream should be illegal in the summer. Fuck those places that serve that shit. You gotta go old school, hard dip.
We were pleasantly surprised to find a place in BG that is on par with Frosty Boy (except for the fact that Juggs doesn't hook you up with some free shit).

-Ohio Nate

Anonymous said...

NYC just got their first DQ last month and I want yesterday. I didn't get the S'mores, but opted with the exclusive BIG APPLE BLIZZARD. Basically just an apple pie blizzard, but it was pretty ELITE.

However, the Blizzard comes in a distant second to the greatest shake ever: Cook Out. Its only available in the Carolinas and Virginia, but those shakes will change your life. Its literally a Blizzard with twice the amount of bits and $2 for the large.

http://deadspin.com/5883076/i-hung-out-with-dukebags-and-discovered-the-greatest-value-in-the-history-of-drunken-eating

Ide

Grumpy said...

'Bron to the Thunder.

Creamsicles.

Why eat anything else if you're within driving distance of a Graeter's?

Anonymous said...

Ide,everything about Cook Out is ELITE, but you are correct about their milkshakes. They are the greatest milkshake known to man

-Ohio Nate

T. Iceman said...

So far we have winter hours: 2 not winter hours: 1

Ohio Nate, you would be referring to Sundae Station?? Get the Oreo Sundae. It'll have sex with your tongue.

Cakes said...

I'm expecting the onset of full-blown diabetes this summer as my house is within walking distance of the Sundae Station in BG.

My go to sundaes are Heath Bar, Snickers and Rollo. I also stop in for Malts occasionally and enjoy slushes as well. I ordered a Cotton Candy slush last night and it was TITS! G$ is correct that the last half of a slush is pointless though. Shouldn't someone have figured out a way to distribute the syrup better in a slush by now?

I'm sorry for the second season of the Following. It was awful. I still say the first season was pretty good though.

Swisher and Santana need to take a trip to the glue factory. WEIRD that the instant they come back off the DL, the Tribe loses three in a row.

Mr. Ace said...

Winter hours are dumb. It's called overhead mofos. The same reason your local Ace Hardware store is only open 5 hours on the weekend, we would be losing money if we stayed open longer because customers aren't coming in. Team no summer hours.

GMoney said...

Rolo sundae? I just broke my zipper.

Bron's not moving to Oklahoma.

Clearly, this is an ELITE topic that I came across.

I'm not calling anyone out but I don't care for milkshakes with bits of candy bars in them. They clog up the straw. At least the ones at Steak and Shake do. Maybe this Cook Out place has figured out how to prevent straw clogging.

How much money do you think a winter hours ice cream shop made during the goddamn polar vortex this year? Exactly.

Mr. Ace said...

5 hours on Sunday, not the entire weekend.

Prime99 said...

Eating ice cream during the winter outside is like football players going sleeveless in snow/freezing games. Shows off your manhood.

Grumpy, do you put Werther's originals in your sundaes?

Anonymous said...

Grumpy still goes down to the local soda shop and asks the colored boy for a malt.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

Plenty of ice cream shops in Northwest Ohio are open year round and manage to make money during those winter months. So shove overhead up your ass, Ace. Americans have shown that they are A. fat and B. love getting more fat when it's cold outside.

Mr. Ace said...

Supply and demand my friend. Every ice cream shop can't stay open in the winter and make money....or else they all would. GIVE IT A REST!

Cakes said...

Hell yeah, Ice. The Rolo sundae has minature versions of the candy mixed in with hot fudge and extra caramel. I have a semi just thinking about it.

Winter Ice Cream is dumb. I don't even think about it in the winter. FALL Ice cream is ELITE though. The pumpkin pie milkshakes are amazing.

Jeff said...

At least Ice's winters going forward will be spent in Gainesville so I'm sure you will be able to find a something.

Just ask Joker Phillips where his favorite place to buy a recruit a banana sundae.

T. Iceman said...

Enough ice cream places stay open year round and do well. Especially in bigger cities. I would think if you're an ice cream shop owner you would follow suit with what your competition is doing. Unless you are lazy or hate money. If you don't do well in the winter vs your competitors then maybe you just have an inferior product. And if that's the case you probably won't be in business long anyway.

So the fall is the only time you like pumpkin flavored stuff, Cakes? That has always been so stupid to me. If you like the way something tastes, it should taste good no matter what time of year it is. "Oh shit! I can't wait until summer so I can start eating steak again." "Can't wait for football tailgating so it's socially acceptable to eat chicken wings! Woooo!!" I'll eat pumpkin pie in fucking July if I want. It's just as good.

Anonymous said...

You deserve Florida, Ice.

The ice cream shop near my place is a soup shop in winter. That is an ELITE business model right there.

Also, discussing overhead and business plans with the resident unemployed is deplorable at best.

Ide

Anonymous said...

You deserve Florida, Ice.

The ice cream shop near my place is a soup shop in winter. That is an ELITE business model right there.

Also, discussing overhead and business plans with the resident unemployed is deplorable at best.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide really knocked it out of the park there. You DO deserve Florida. Your fucktardery has clearly outgrown Ohio.

Plenty of ice cream shops in Northwest Ohio are open year round and manage to make money during those winter months.

There is no way that you can prove any of this so let's just chalk this up as an Ide lie.

Maybe there are a few non-chain ice cream ONLY shops that stay open year round but they are a rarity. Napoleon is one of the fattest cities around and has one shop that closes for 6 months.

Seriously, you guys, how dumb is Iceman? I mean, this is really something special today. His argument is "I love ice cream so everyone in America should lose gobs of money and then their homes based on the off chance that I show up to their place of business once a month!"

DUMB.

GMoney said...

If you want ice cream in December then go to the fucking grocery store and buy it. Leave the small business owner alone, terrorist.

T. Iceman said...

I get fired because I gave my employer 3 month notice and Ide acts like I've been unemployed for my entire lifetime with zero business knowledge. Go OD on allergy medication in your favorite hipster latte shop.

T. Iceman said...

"There is no way that you can prove any of this so let's just chalk this up as an Ide lie."

How about the fact that these shops remain open every winter? Or is it in every business model that it's okay to lose money every single winter and do nothing about it?

OBVZ the demand of ice cream is high enough during the winter where ice cream shops can make it work. Almost all, if not all, of the major chains do it. I just don't understand why everyone doesn't get in on the action.

GMoney said...

Back to basketball for a minute, Deadspin is all over this today but I noticed it last night: Simmons was SUCH a douche in the postgame. "I haven't said anything in ten minutes". NO SHIT. Let's let the player and the coach talk about what just happened as opposed to the super fan. I am a fan. I know what I just watched. Your take on what I'm already thinking isn't mandatory. Someone should have fucking punched him. And when it was "finally" his turn to talk...

Sage: Something about Kawhi Leonard?
BS: This series reminds me of the 2004 Finals when the Pistons crushed the Lakers because they were the better team. (did not come close to answering the question asked...and he used this exact same analogy at halftime)

What I'm trying to say is that I am so over Simmons. He is an arrogant asshole.

GMoney said...

Waiting on those examples of year round non-chains.

Of course the DQs and Baskins and Graeters of the world can stay open because they've been around forever and have multi-million dollar owners. Gary Warneke doesn't have that kind of bankroll (thank God).

GMoney said...

Owning an ice cream store is like owning a lake house. 4-6 months of the year it is completely worthless and a financial sinkhole. But those 6-8 months when you do use it, you use the shit out of it. Same principle and extremely easy for anyone to understand. In the off months, it is easier to lock the doors than it is to heat the place and pay employees for doing nothing.

Cakes said...

I TOTES agree that pumpkin pie shakes should be a flavour (English spelling!) option all year round. Unfortunately, I have to abide by the Ice Cream laws in BG. No pumpkin pie shakes unitl football starts damnit!

Prime99 said...

G$- have you ever been more fired up about anything than ice shop business models?

T. Iceman said...

Handels. There's one.

Mr. G's barn. Another one.

Charlie's in sylvania. A third. Should in keep going or is this sufficient?

GMoney said...

I always get worked up when idiots invade my space. Some people just don't get how America works. If Shamrock Shakes were available year 'round then they would lose their luster and eventually everyone would forget about them. But if you only make them available in March (and even then it is a stretch because they are ALWAYS sold out) then people go nuts about it.

Again, not hard to figure out. I suppose that's why he's called The Iceman and not The Ice Cream Man because The Ice Cream Man would go out of business within six months.

GMoney said...

There are 37 Handel's nationwide in 6-7 states so that is a loser of an example. This Mr G's seems like a decent enough place but it reads like more of an A&W than just a straight up ice cream joint. This Charlie's place does soup and sandwiches.

Yes, there are likely a few exceptions but you can't just do ice cream and be open year round unless you are a chain or foolish.

Anonymous said...

Handel's is a chain shitheel. They have one in Powell.

OK, business man. How do they pay the lease? Is it leased or owned? Do they have other side business/investments keeping it afloat? Is it their only venture? How much is the power bill keeping those freezers running all of the time? What's the profit margins on a single scoop cone in December? Are people more likely to buy it at the grocery store or load up a bunch of brats in the blistering cold to come have a cool treat? Why doesn't the soup place near my house stay open in the summer?

Ide

Cakes said...

I don't see how Iceman thinks he's going to win this argument. Keeping an Ice Cream joint open during the winter is a good way to go bankrupt.

T. Iceman said...

(419) 882-1118

There's the phone number Ide. Why don't you call them and find out the answers to all of the questions you dug out of your senior year econ text book? Since I am not the owner, an employee or an investor in Handels, there is no reason for me to know the answer to any of your questions. But what I do know is that Handels only serves ice cream, they are open year round and have been since the day Wheelz and her friends were old enough to remember. Same with Mr. G's Barn. So the open year round ice cream business model has to work in some capacity. And that is my whole point. If it works, AND IT DOES, then why wouldn't everyone who owns a shop do it to keep themselves competitive? Like I've said from the start, ice cream is in demand no matter what the season and I'm sure I'm not the only one who prefers a Handels pint to a Breyer's pint from WalMart.

T. Iceman said...

"Keeping an Ice Cream joint open during the winter is a good way to go bankrupt."

Well that was just a stupid thing to say. People successfully pull it off all the time.

GMoney said...

Maybe a few mom and pops have figured out a way to stay afloat through the winter. MAYBE. But if everyone did it, then that would be a disaster. I mean, are you actually saying that the demand for ice cream is equal throughout the year? Because that is really not smart.

I'm pretty sure that these people have thought about this from all angles already. Closing for the season is smarter than staying open for the majority.

Way to lose another blog argument, Rod Marinelli Of Commenters. And you did. Don't kid yourself.

Mr. Ace said...

Most ice cream places either close or have a separate business for winter, right? THEN WHAT ARE WE FUCKING ARGUING ABOUT? If there was money to be made by staying open then they would be staying open. There clearly isn't DEMAND to justify them staying open. Some places do because they are able to carry over business and turn a profit during winter. If one of the shops that typically closes during the winter decides to stay open all year then they have to compete within a market that is severely lacking DEMAND. The exception is not the rule.

Anonymous said...

He has the word "ice" in his name, but he's so DUMB about ice cream. LOLZ.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I didn't think that it was that hard either. Iceman probably owns a comic book store that is closed in the Spring (too much pollen in the air for nerds).

T. Iceman said...

Obviously the demand for ice cream is higher in the warmer months. What I'm saying there is a big enough demand for ice cream all year to be able to successfully profit from it by staying open. I've eaten enough ice cream from Handels in December to know that the demand is there.

Anonymous said...

"Since I am not the owner, an employee or an investor in Handels, there is no reason for me to know the answer to any of your questions."

That speaks volumes, right there. Since I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to have ice cream in January, all ice cream stores are thus open for business, fuck if I know or care how it works, it just works.

Let me enlighten you on Handel's, since that is your go to example. They started out of a gas station in Youngstown in 1945, and their popularity grew enormously. An investor out of Brooklyn came to them with an idea to put their ice cream in grocery stores. The profits from said idea were so big that they could expand into the number of stores/states that G$ stated.

So to throw it back to you; Handel's was started as a gas station until they were successful enough to make stand alone ice cream places. There is your answer/logic/facts behind their magical business.

It's not mystics, retard, its simple business.

Ide

GMoney said...

If it was worth it to stay open all year then they would. But for most, it isn't so they don't. Why? Because parents don't take their kids out for ice cream when there is a foot of snow on the ground.

T. Iceman said...

Thanks for that Google search history of Handels, Ide. You really know how to work the Internet.

Since you're so much smarter than everyone else here, go ahead and flex those brain muscles and enlighten everyone to the answers of the questions you proposed. Come on, Trump. Tell me what the profit margin on a single scoop of handels ice cream is in January. By flavor, please. And remember there's about 200 of them. While you're at it, let's hear exactly how much it costs to keep the freezers going in February, Cuban. Please include all 67 locations as every market is different. Let's hear it, asshole. It's time to show everyone how much fucking smarter you think you are than everyone else here.

Cakes said...

Best argument in a long time. I really enjoyed this one. TEAM CLOSED FOR WINTER

GMoney said...

It's the only team. Just go away, Iceman. While I admire your spunk for constantly getting up after unlimited beatdowns and never landing a punch, you're done today.

Everyone's homework over the weekend is to get a S'mores Blizzard. That is all.

Prime99 said...

If a shop's brand recognition is ELITE enuff, it can be open four the winnter, ppl forget that.

T. Iceman said...

Stop with FACTS, Prime. People around here hate FACTS.