Monday, June 09, 2014

Open Forum: Choose Wisely

Outside of Manny Machado and California Chrome's owner going batshit insane, this weekend didn't offer up much to write about for this Nobel Prize Winning blogger.  So instead, we're going to talk about my Saturday and Sunday.  And no, this has nothing to do with birthing classes or family visiting (both were way better than expected).

So Lange and -Rex turned 30 last week and their wives cooked up some sort of a surprise shindig on Saturday night.  It was a fairly ELITE gathering of some of our best and brightest and good times were had by all.  Originally, the wife was going to come, too, but she had no energy left after classes and a bridal shower so I was left alone with no supervision.  The results were horrible.  I should never be left alone.

Big -Rex and I were playing a nice game of "Drink All of the Old Styles" which was great because Char Bar actually sells Old Style (and plays Pantera on the jukebox!)!  Then Dut bought me two long islands which apparently he dumped a brick of black tar heroin into because it was on.  I got home and immediately laid on the couch.  Not long after that, I wake up in a panic realizing that here comes the barf wagon.  I did not make it all the way to the bathroom in time.  I finished up my puke, opened the door, and saw my dog eating my hurl.  That's a fun thing to watch.

I get up at 10 (didn't actually do anything until 4:30!) to the wife asking me to clean up the rancid red sick that was still fermenting on the end table and coating a picture of her and her sisters.  I shamefully obliged.  Before my grandmother passed away, she gave all the grandkids a couple of ceramic hummingbirds that she collected as something to remember her by.  I spewed on it.  While trying to clean it, I broke it into a billion pieces.
At around 12:30, I thought about getting up so I made a pot of coffee.  I took one sip and went sprinting to the toilet again for round 2 of violent vomiting.  I was oh so close to puking and shitting my pants simultaneously or, as I like to call it, the definition of ELITE.  Instead, I gave myself a good hard look in the mirror as tears streamed down my face and snot is everywhere.  Seriously, bros, I puke VIOLENTLY.  I forced myself to go to the gym and sweat it out around 5 and that did the trick.  I am never drinking again. 
LOL yeah right.  I really need to work on that moderation thing though.  I seem to go balls to the wall every time I leave the house (which isn't very often).  I blame The Wig Master.  He should have been there instead of babysitting Li'l Lange.

Anyway, today's question is simple: I'm allowing you one brand of beer to drink over the next three years.  You can have nothing else but the type that you pick but you can have as much as you want.  What are you picking?

This is a tougher question than you might think.  You may love Guinness but EVERY DAY?  I'll pick original Spaten out of Germany.  It is terrific.  It is something that I could drink with dinner, after yard work, at a bar...very versatile brew-dog.  Make your choice and remember that you run the risk of ridicule when you pick Icehouse, Iceman.

I'm a 33 year old stud about to become a dad.  I should probably consider slowing down on the old drink-till-I-puke practice.  I'm going to be a terrific father.


Anonymous said...

I was at Char Bar on Saturday night as well. I was there late 123-230. Sounds like you made a strong showing.

LeBron was sort of impressive last night.


Grumpy said...


I'm still the undisputed Money Shot handicapping champion.

Dut dropped a roofie on you, hoping to cash in.

GMoney said...

He and my b-hole will never be exclusive.

Drool, I think I left pretty much after the Rags lost again. You have to respect a bar that sells Old Style and Stroh's.

Mr. Ace said...

I too was aboard the puke wagon. Daniel was kind enough to give Mrs. Ace and I a ride home from Char Bar. I repaid him by throwing up out of his back window while going down 315. I'm pretty sure I managed to get all of it on the outside of the car. Really impressive.

Then the birthday boys, myself and Dut all decided to go golfing with the worst hangovers ever. We finished 15 holes and about 5 and a half hours. For some reason we sat in our golf carts and waited out the rain for an hour plus. Really fun times. Nobody scored better than a bogey on the front 9. I got the first part on hole 10. ELITE day of golfing.

Spurs really blew that game last night. After Parker took that elbow we just stopped moving the ball. And the two guys that Iceman stumps hardest for, Leonard and Splitter, have been pretty terrible thus far. No surprise there.

Anonymous said...

What a topic! What a country! If I can only choose one, I am obviously going with my beloved Allagash White!

--Peter King

Mr. Ace said...

Oh, and my beer choice would be Guinness. It's really the perfect beer for all occasions.

Anonymous said...

I only ever drink Busch Heavy anyway so this is easy. It really takes the edge off of not being any good anymore.

--Justin Verlander

Anonymous said...

Didn't someone try and make an argument that Leonard is a top 10 or 15 player in the NBA? Yikes...


Jeff said...

I unfortunately missed the debauchery on Saturday due to just getting over a 24 hr flu bug or "Ides" as we like to call it here, non allergy related. I am pleased that I didn't spend Sunday puking or hungover as hell, though.

Bron Bron is fun.

My beer would be some sort of pale ale. Probably Burning River, enough pop for cool months and not too overpowering on a hot summer day.

Anonymous said...

I have no recollection of coming home Saturday night. The long islands and fireballs did the trick! Can't believe how many pikers we had Saturday. You all turned into a bunch of ()'s.

Best part of the night is either commenter Daniel falling and dumping 80% of his beer or commenter Lange throwing a j├Ąger bomb over his shoulder all over the back of a random girl. I vote Daniel because my memory was still making memories at that point.

I would choose miller light. It's cheap, delicious, and you can binge drink it. Easy decision.


GMoney said...

I'm definitely the #1 piker, Dutford.

I had never done the double puke before. That was not fun and my rippling ribcage muscles are sore as fuck still.

Also: fruit punch Gatorade makes your vomit ten times worse.

Anonymous said...

I wish I would have been able to attend the bday party by I was crashing wedding with icemans younger brother in Cleveland.

Same beer for three years would be Busch light. Cheap and you can binge drink regardless if the occasion


GMoney said...

More like Larry Verlander...

OBVZ Lange is loved by all considering that his two bros-in-law and his cousin didn't show up to his 30th birthday party. LOLZ! That's what you get when you fuck over an entire fantasy football league by trading with tards!

Anonymous said...

I was standing next to Lange when he did that and he gave me a heads up to what he was going to was an ELITE move.

The puke out of a moving car move will never get old. I pulled it off a few years back in Swihart's ride and it was disastrous. Let's just say I was in the passenger seat and some of my chunks swirled around and ended up on hitting him in the face.


Anonymous said...

I'd go with PBR for all the time drinking. For the reasons people picked BUSCH (ELITE) and Miller Lite.

My weekend didn't entail any piking, but did have copious amounts of drinking. So much so, that I had to take the day off today. I did, however, try the spicy chicken cool ranch taco yesterday, and my life is better for it.


GMoney said...

It would fairly ELITE if Iceman threw up this weekend, too. It would show the world how teamwork is done properly.

Cakes said...

ELITE weekend for puking! I ALMOST puked over the side of my buddies boat after a day of drinking on the water. Through some act of god (LOL) I was able to recover and keep that shit down. I was pretty pleased with myself as there were a bunch of shorties looking at me the whole time from another boat.

I'm going with Stella as my beer. That shit is delicious and goes with pretty much anything.

ELITE showing by Chamberlain last night!

Anonymous said...

I think I vaguely remember talking to Dut for a second at Char Bar now.

I would drink Dos Equis Amber.


Anonymous said...

Yes, when Drew and Dut saw each other they started chanting "Detroit Baseball" to each other. It was adorable.


T. Iceman said...

"Didn't someone try and make an argument that Leonard is a top 10 or 15 player in the NBA?"

No they didn't. Someone said he has the potential to be once he's out of Duncan and Parker's shadow. Clean the Coach Cal jiz out of your eyes.

I almost threw up Saturday from the all you can eat meat cuts at Texas de Brazil. ELITE establishment.

T. Iceman said...

I think my beer would be Blue Moon. I can get hammered on it but can also drink it casually. No orange, though. I don't fruit my beer.

GMoney said...

Had I known that Drew and Dut embraced, I would have dug up the GIF of Mac and Charlie staring at each other from across the fancy restaurant. Bunch of homos.

BTW, Sean Connery tennis fist pump is my favorite GIF ever.

Anonymous said...


RIP Ginger Minge.

Anonymous said...

Goddamn blogger on phones.

Prime99 said...

Pyramid Curveball would be my choice. Fantastic summer beer but I'd still crush it in the winter time if it wasn't seasonal.

That A's/Orioles game was fantastic. Bat throws are the best because it shows just how dumb someone really is.

Disappointed in Joe the Plumber aka California Chrome's owner for being a sore loser. Aww, was there a target on his back? Fuck yeah there was. Stop being a pussy.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for coming out to the party. I cannot make excuses for any family/friends who did not come..... Not elite. But for those of you that did come I will never drink those iced teas again. If you drink two you are guaranteed to spew. I vaguely remember the over the shoulder move but that speaks for most of the night. I got home and puked as well.

Lebron shut all his critics up last night and he looks angry. The heat will win in 6. But he gone after this season or the heat have to make major moves. I think bosh and wade sat out the entire 3rd quarter. Pry lebrons fault.

Also don't golf the day after char bar. Never again.


Anonymous said...


Jon has been a twat most the show, yet I still love when he is fighting. Allister can get after it too.

Fat Sam is still fat and terrible at keeping crossbows loaded.

Motherfucking Giants riding Motherfucking mammoths is amazing. When that mammoth stomped on that guy and that giant archer shot that guy to the moon topped the episode.

Also wall scythe.

Jon fucking up Styr was great. Braining him with that hammer after getting slammed on that anvil was ELITE.

My one and only complaint was lack of dire wolf action. Sure Ghost ripping the face off of that guy was tits, but I wanted him to go HAM.

Looking ahead, next week looks to be a clusterfuck of wtf moments. It needs to be at least 90 minutes. Hell, they postponed the huge twist from this episode for next week.


I realize that the most technological you people get is a TI 35 calculator, but Orange is the New Black has been ELITE. I powered through about half and here are some quick TAEKS.

Chapman is now a badass and we are better for it. Pimping out that slope was hilarious. And I wish that the black murderer/rapist (thank god!) would be in it more.

Way much lesbian sex this year. Titties for all!

"Take your molest me daddy voice and get the fuck out of here" had me in stitches.


GMoney said...

Whoa whoa are not sanctioned to start another show convo here. Plus, you might be the only watching it.

Jon Snow is a douche. Sam is a turd. Gilly is a moron.

The fighting was legit but when the entire episode is focused on the three most boring characters, it's a bit of a drag. And I'm tired of all this talk about Mance Rayder when we haven't seen him in two goddamn seasons. If he is such a giant threat then where the fuck is he?

RIP Ygritte...I will never forget how glorious you looked in that cave and your accent was hot as fuck.

Big Scythe is probably my favorite character at The Wall.

Anonymous said...

Nibbles is a confirmed Netflix watcher, and Ape is hippy enough to fit into the shows demographics.


Prime99 said...

I enjoyed GOT last night, however I don't think it was quite as strong as other episode 9's. There was a ton to like whether it be the action, the above average special effects and the guy getting shot by a giant arrow. I think my main issue is that describing Mance's army as 100,000, then have 200 hundred attack the Wall. Overall, very good episode, but not as ELITE as Joe Flacco.

GMoney said...

Don't you go assuming things about my brothers in vomit.

Daniel said...

I'm a big fan of the heavy winter seasonal beers. I would actually say Thirsty Dog - Twelve Dogs of Christmas would be my beer of choice. I also like the Dogfish Head Pumpkin Ale regardless of season as well.

I would approximate that Andrew got about 99% of his spew on the outside of my car. I enjoyed getting home at 12:30 to bust out the hose and give myself a mini-car wash. There was some chum stuck in the window crack. You can make it up to me by hosting your 'Man Night' at the New Albany Roosters!

I apologize again for falling and ruining the party.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Dan.


Anonymous said...

Palm is my 3 year beer. Belgium Ale.

I hate missing elite parties.

- jsaul