|Nice "Hastings" of money there, doucher|
Bro, I see that you just signed your rookie deal with the Browns. Congrats, BRAH! It has to kind of stink to take a pay cut from what you were making in the SEC though, right! LOL! Anyway, I wanted to discuss something with you tonight at Club ELITE now that you are officially an NFL player.
Dude, it’s time to grow up. REAL TALK—this whole Johnny Football persona that you’ve been playing up for years has to either be taken down 8 notches or die entirely. You can’t do this anymore. You can’t act like this. Oh sure, guys like Gronk can get away with shooting porn scenes and chugging Miller Fortunes all weekend because he’s a meathead idiot and everyone knows it. He has proven himself to be a FACTORTIGHTEND anyway.
You don’t have that luxury anymore. You are expected to be a starting quarterback in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. You are thus required to be the face of your franchise. The face of the team doesn’t hang out with Gronk at UFC events. The face doesn’t sit coach and ride bitch on airplanes. The face doesn’t pass out on inflatable swans at the X-Games. The face doesn’t get videotaped talking into a stack of cash like the douchiest douche to ever douche. This was all accomplished in ONE MONTH. You can’t do this. You can’t do ANY of this.
Look, John (you should be going by John now that you are a grown up). All good things must come to an end. We all loved your “whatevuh, I do what I want” attitude in college but this is the big time now. You are no longer the Big Man On Campus. Your opponents aren’t Rice or Ole Miss anymore. They are legitimate killing machines that take their jobs VERY seriously. Did you see that hit that James Harrison laid on Colt McCoy a few years back? Everyone on the other side of the ball is trying to do that to you on EVERY play. It's why I will always remember the names Lavar Arrington (Troy Aikman), Mo Lewis (Drew Bledsoe), and Corey Wootton (Brett Favre). Hell, Wootton and Arthur Moats were the inaugural co-Money Shot Men of the Year! The point is that everyone wants to be the guy to kill you dead ASAP.
Aren’t you bothered at all that all of your coaches AND teammates are publicly saying that the extremely average Brian Hoyer is the starter ahead of you? That’s embarrassing. No one wants to see you ride pine. Everyone wants you out on that field doing John Manziel things. So it’s time for you to drop the angst-ridden teenager phase and start getting serious. If you want to be a starting quarterback in the NFL then act like it. You’re being a bigger distraction than Michael Sam. Stop giving the media reasons to follow you everywhere. It’s OK to be boring. America likes winners way more than they do The Kardashians. You are embarrassing your employer which is fucking amazing because your employer is a ridiculously bad white collar criminal.
A very dumb man once told me to GIVE IT A REST and I think that it applies here, John. You said all the right things leading up to the Draft about how dedicated you were to being the best and proving yourself as a QB in the NFL. So far I give you a big F. It appears that that was all just a big lie as nothing in your life has changed. So get your shit together, bruh, otherwise the Browns might as well just stitch LEAF on the back of your jersey.
By the way, I have no way of paying for this VIP section here at Club ELITE so I assume that you have this taken care of. You can afford it now. KTHANKSBAI! Good luck!