Wednesday, June 18, 2014

OK, Johnny, You've Had Your Fun

Nice "Hastings" of money there, doucher
Johnny Football! My man! My n*gga! Why don’t you come on over here to the VIP section so we can have a little chat about Johnny Football?

Bro, I see that you just signed your rookie deal with the Browns. Congrats, BRAH! It has to kind of stink to take a pay cut from what you were making in the SEC though, right! LOL! Anyway, I wanted to discuss something with you tonight at Club ELITE now that you are officially an NFL player.

Dude, it’s time to grow up. REAL TALK—this whole Johnny Football persona that you’ve been playing up for years has to either be taken down 8 notches or die entirely. You can’t do this anymore. You can’t act like this. Oh sure, guys like Gronk can get away with shooting porn scenes and chugging Miller Fortunes all weekend because he’s a meathead idiot and everyone knows it. He has proven himself to be a FACTORTIGHTEND anyway.

You don’t have that luxury anymore. You are expected to be a starting quarterback in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. You are thus required to be the face of your franchise. The face of the team doesn’t hang out with Gronk at UFC events. The face doesn’t sit coach and ride bitch on airplanes. The face doesn’t pass out on inflatable swans at the X-Games. The face doesn’t get videotaped talking into a stack of cash like the douchiest douche to ever douche. This was all accomplished in ONE MONTH. You can’t do this. You can’t do ANY of this.

Look, John (you should be going by John now that you are a grown up). All good things must come to an end. We all loved your “whatevuh, I do what I want” attitude in college but this is the big time now. You are no longer the Big Man On Campus. Your opponents aren’t Rice or Ole Miss anymore. They are legitimate killing machines that take their jobs VERY seriously. Did you see that hit that James Harrison laid on Colt McCoy a few years back? Everyone on the other side of the ball is trying to do that to you on EVERY play. It's why I will always remember the names Lavar Arrington (Troy Aikman), Mo Lewis (Drew Bledsoe), and Corey Wootton (Brett Favre).  Hell, Wootton and Arthur Moats were the inaugural co-Money Shot Men of the Year!  The point is that everyone wants to be the guy to kill you dead ASAP.

Aren’t you bothered at all that all of your coaches AND teammates are publicly saying that the extremely average Brian Hoyer is the starter ahead of you? That’s embarrassing. No one wants to see you ride pine. Everyone wants you out on that field doing John Manziel things. So it’s time for you to drop the angst-ridden teenager phase and start getting serious. If you want to be a starting quarterback in the NFL then act like it. You’re being a bigger distraction than Michael Sam. Stop giving the media reasons to follow you everywhere. It’s OK to be boring. America likes winners way more than they do The Kardashians. You are embarrassing your employer which is fucking amazing because your employer is a ridiculously bad white collar criminal.

A very dumb man once told me to GIVE IT A REST and I think that it applies here, John. You said all the right things leading up to the Draft about how dedicated you were to being the best and proving yourself as a QB in the NFL. So far I give you a big F. It appears that that was all just a big lie as nothing in your life has changed. So get your shit together, bruh, otherwise the Browns might as well just stitch LEAF on the back of your jersey.

By the way, I have no way of paying for this VIP section here at Club ELITE so I assume that you have this taken care of. You can afford it now. KTHANKSBAI! Good luck!

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

He can't hear you over all of his money, brah.

Ide

GMoney said...

Well he better start otherwise he's going to die in the preseason. Time to grow up, kiddo.

Mr. Ace said...

If I were a Browns fan I would be a little upset, only because as a fan you want your players focused only on football. But I really don't see this effecting his game. He's 21 and partying in June. SOMEBODY CALL THE FUCKING COPS! He is doing the same shit everybody else is doing, he is just doing it and not caring who sees. I have no issues with that...and apparently the Browns don't either.

Johnny Football just needs to keep on being Johnny Football.

GMoney said...

You're a pro now. It's time to start living your life without TMZ following you around.

It's Johnny Football, not Johnny Ketel One. People forget that.

Mr. Ace said...

And how is Johnny supposed to take advice from some square who can't even schedule a blogger post twice in the last week? I bet Johnny was making all of his workouts/appointments the next day...

Anonymous said...

FACT: Johnny Football is the most entertainment the Browns have given us in over ten years. If we are going to be as bad as we always are, at least we can laugh at him. I'll gladly take it.

You better get this blogger schedule figured out by fatherhood, or you will be expected to post real time while you're up all night with your girl.

Ide

GMoney said...

GIVE IT A REST. It's everyone else's fault but mine.

Look, cocks, Johnny is expected to be the leader of the team and earn the respect of grown ass men. That isn't going to happen when he's giving headlocks to Shaun White at some Austin dive bar. It doesn't matter at all if he is still making practices and workouts. It appears to EVERYONE that he isn't taking this opportunity seriously.

I love the kid but he clearly was full of shit during the draft process. "Flying all over the country to party" isn't what you want your QB to be doing. Then again, you don't want your franchise QB hanging out with Papa John and making shitty commercials either. Johnny needs to take the Brady approach to life (Tom not Cakes OBVZ) and just fuck a supermodel all the time and stay out of the public eye.

FACTS. The way that this is going, The Manziel Era is going to flame out fast and furious like a Paul Walker car crash.

Anonymous said...

Quick shout out and congratulations to the Detroit Tigers this morning. Incredible how fast you turned things around... and turned over first place to the Kansas City Royals. Also, shout out to Justin Shitlander... giving up 5+ runs in 6 of your last 7 starts?? That has only been done one other time ever by a former cy young winner! And 7 ER's in your last two starts? Wow, buddy - impressive. Well worth that huge contract extension you received.

Seal

Anonymous said...

And GIVE IT A REST on the Manziel shit... If/When this behavior equates to shit play and proof of a bad draft pick you can talk like this all you want - but until then, ITS JUNE 18TH. No one cares what these guys are doing right now. Ace is right - he is doing the same shit as everyone else.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Seal popping out of the woodwork to lob ether at Tiger's fans. That is funny.

If Playmakers, Any Given Sunday, and the news have taught us anything, its that the NFL affletes are degenerates in almost every sense of the word. I'd rather my QB be out in Vegas in front of TMZ doing shots off of some tricks ass. At least I know he isn't doing lines off of his pregnant latino baby momma while loading up his AK47 to go drunk driving with a practice squad linebacker. I'll take it.

Ide

GMoney said...

You guys seem to be under the impression that I am anti-Johnny which I never have been. I just don't want the haters (like Iceman) to be right. Stay out of the public eye until you, you know, aren't sitting behind Brian Hoyer AKA the worst starting QB in the league, bruh.

If you want to be America's favorite drunk QB like Joe Namath then you should win something first/sexually assault a sideline reporter.

Prime99 said...

CBS reports that Brady Quinn also doesn't like Johnny's offseason antics. John should listen to BQ as a former Browns QB.

What has Tebow been up to? Why aren't the media following him to prayer groups and soup kitchens?

Johnny is being dumb, OBVS. However, if he ends up playing well, no one will give a fuck. If he doesn't, he will be a huge punch line then disappear.

GMoney said...

Tenor is going to be a big time contributor on the SEC Network this Fall!!!

Mr. Ace said...

Redskins lost their trademark? BOOTLEG EVERYTHING!

Anonymous said...

Johnny is TOTES being dumb...I wouldn't push the panic button yet, but he needs a reality check soon.

Also, LOLZ @ Slow Seal. Indians fans care more about opposing contracts than any fan base in the world. Crazy Cakes has proven this theory as well. "To the Kansas City Royals"....is that an Indians fan acting like some other organization is a joke? LMBO. The Tigers fell out of 1st for a day....Cakes would sell a teste for that many 1st place days.

--Drew

GMoney said...

That will probably be the only thing that the REDSKINS lose this season, BRAH.

Anonymous said...

I'm in the camp of "As long as it's not affecting his play,I'm not worried about it."

I would like him to tone it down a bit, but whatever. If he wins games and performs, he can do what he wants.

It's just putting a bigger target on him because if he doesn't "wreck this league" immediately, everyone is going to say it's because of his partying even though it might not be. He's putting undue pressure on himself.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

I'd like to point out that Drew refuses to cuss on his acronyms. That made me lmao.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Steelers sign Jordan Hall. SUPER BOWL!

T. Iceman said...

Oh Damman! What's wrong buddy!! I thought it was June and he's young and he's just having a good time and all that bullshit. Getting nervous media outlets are reporting Manziel looking like shit with the offense and can't beat out life long third stringer Brian Hoyer?

Welcome to team Iceman, guys. I've made several high dollar John Manziel investments with idiot Browns fans. He won't be on the team after his rookie contract is up. Shit...at this rate he may not even make it that far. What's great about being a fan of a team that always blows and accepting that we'll probably always blow is you can make serious cash off the morons that think that what Manziel is doing is fine and he's the savior that will turn it around.

Keep in mind that John was drafted to quarterback this team and as of right now can't beat out a guy who wouldn't start on 90% of NFL teams. It's time to get your face out of stripper tits and into a playbook. But he won't. Because he's a star without ever taking a pro snap. I'm sure it'll be fine. /fart noise.

Prime99 said...

Gruden disagrees with you, Iceman. He will keep giving John lace-less footballs to throw and cradling his balls.

Betting on events that far in the future is going to make it hard to collect, especially in Florida. I hope your baller friends with Toledo gang ties are going to help settle those debts if you win.

Cakes, are you still wearing your Johnny Cleveland shirt? How many days in a row?

T. Iceman said...

Don't even talk to Cakes about John Manziel. Number one fucking fan right there.

Anonymous said...

Ice, as I said I'm still on Team Manziel and not Team Iceman. The Browns are trying to be tough with him by not naming him the starter right now. The fact that Hoyer is the starter right now means nothing.

My point is he is giving people ammunition to criticize him if he doesn't succeed immediately even though his partying in June has nothing to do with his performance in September.

-Damman

GMoney said...

I can't wait until he shows up at practice drunker than Corey Griggs and Mo Clarett.

And not that I'm on Team Iceman or anything but he is kind of right. John is not a changed man. This is the same old shit. No, not everyone else is doing this other than Gronk. Why? Because professional football players take this shit seriously and know that being a professional football player is way better than not being one.

T. Iceman said...

Exactly, G$. That has been my point since Manziel was drafted to the Browns. He's lied about who he is outside of football pretty much every step of the way. Is that not a huge red flag? Plus the guy has shown nothing but immaturity when he's supposed to be fighting for a spot he was drafted to take. He just cannot be trusted, IMO.

And you guys are fucking high if you think Manziel is just going to cut this shit out cold turkey once the season starts. He OBVZ enjoys that lifestyle way too much and enjoys the spotlight even more.

GMoney said...

It's going to be hilarious when the REDSKINS win their appeal (AGAIN). Fuck you, US government.

Anonymous said...

TMZ doesn't follow around joe cornerback blowing lines off ides dong. He is the media reality star if the NFL right now. They will ruin him like they did Tebow. He has bust written ALL over him, then he'll sign on for a reality tv show (probably in conjunction with the kardashins when he opens up a clothing line in Miami). You heard it here first. My point is 90% of them are doing this, they just aren't getting the Tiger Woods 24/7 camera treatment. Only so much air time to go around and a spoiled rich white nfl rookie is just good business.

-j Saul

GMoney said...

I think that that is bullshit. Let's compare Johnny to all the other QBs in the league since, you know, that's what he is. I don't see any of these guys going clubbing every weekend like he does. Even the blacks! So you can stuff your 90% in a sack, mister, because 0% of the non-Grossmans and Ortons in the NFL are going out with their BRAHs every weekend and getting shithouse drunk and talking into dollar bills.

Anonymous said...

I did shots with Eli Manning. True story.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Nobody believes you. True story.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Will the lies ever end??

GMoney said...

Shots of Juicy Juice don't count, liar. OMG what is it with this guy and his lies???

Anonymous said...

Juicy Juice is ELITE.

Believe it or not that was a tall tale. I have long ago stopped telling you bastards about my run ins (there have been a couple since the nets).

Ide

T. Iceman said...

I don't think photographic proof is an unrealistic request.

Prime99 said...

#idelies

Use it at your leisure.