|Your sworn testimony says that you are ELITE. May I remind you that you are under oath.|
Before we get started, Drew is already being charged with contempt of court and Mr. Ace has his right hand on The Holy Bible.
California Chrome vs. History
The Argument: There really isn’t one which means that we’re starting with a softball case and that’s fine by me. The horse owned by those Two Dumb Ass guys is going for history tomorrow at the Belmont Stakes. Will he win?
The Verdict: I’ll allow it. Horse racing needs this. I’ve grown tired of hearing about how it’s been forever. I’m sure that Ape can drop more hot horse takes in the comments but I’m going to end the Triple Crown drought. If a loser like Miguel Cabrera can get the Triple Crown then a winner like some horse can, too.
Jon Singleton vs. The MLB Player’s Union
The Argument: This is interesting. Singleton is some hot shot prospect with the Astros who was called up to Houston a few days ago. HOWEVAH, before getting that call, he signed a 5 year/10 million dollar contract which could cap at 8 years/30 million. Smaller market teams are doing these sort of deals these days in order to lock in big talent at a good rate. It’s not much of a financial risk for the team and it guarantees money for the prospect just in case his pro career flames out. The Union is pissed because Singleton took a well below market value deal.
The Verdict: What the fuck is Singleton thinking? Either he knows that he sucks butts or his agent is dumber than Cakes. Unless his entire family is homeless, there is really no excuse for locking in such a team-friendly contract for SO LONG. If it was 5 years for 20 million with no options, I could understand that. Just plain stupid.
Horace Grant vs. Rational Thought
The Argument: For some reason, bespectacled 90’s role player and Harvey Grant’s bro, Horace Grant was asked this week if his Bulls teams from the early 90’s could beat the 2014 Heat. He said that they would wipe the floor with them. Everyone then had a take on the topic. Nothing was resolved.
The Verdict: SMH. Shut up, Horace. Just shut your mouth. What a fucktarded argument (that we went over earlier this week in another context). You can’t prove ANY of this so what is the point. You know what? Judge G$ RIGHT NOW would kick the shit out of in-his-prime Mike Tyson. Go ahead and try to prove me wrong. I dare you. You want some troof, Ho-Gra? You would lose and you would lose badly. Why? Because players in 2014 are way better than players in 1994. You would make Chris Bosh look like Bill Russell. It’s kind of like how average starting pitchers today would likely own Babe Ruth. Shut your goddamn whore mouth.
Dan Marino and Others vs. The NFL
The Argument: So we settled the concussion lawsuit (I think) a while ago but now we have a group of former players filing a class action lawsuit against the NFL again over shoddy medical treatment and misdiagnoses. Dan Marino was apparently a part of this and then said that he took legal action by mistake(!) so I have no idea what that is all about. These players are pretty much saying that they never were aware of how hurt they were and kept playing which only made things worse.
The Verdict: I have no compassion for these guys. You made the choice to play. I actually want to rule that the players should pay the NFL as they collected game checks even though they were lying about how hurt they were. If you have a head injury and struggle with that for the rest of your life, OK, I get that. The NFL owes those guys something. But if you didn’t know how sprained your ankle was or whatever and just kept asking for the painkiller shot well then fuck you, bro.
Colin Kaepernick’s New Contract vs. Common Sense
The Argument: The 49ers signed Kaep to a 6 year/110 million dollar deal with 61 million GUARANSHEED on Wednesday. That is a lot of GUARANSHEED money OBVZ. Or something like that. I don't know. Now people are saying that it's really team friendly. Fuck it.
The Verdict: I’m fine with it. He isn’t a game manager or anything like that. Sure, Kaep may not be ELITE yet but going to two straight NFC title games and a Super Bowl in less than two seasons is well on your way to getting there. He’s a really good QB though and good QBs cost cash money. DEAL WITH IT.
It feels good to settle these beefs today. Hey, speaking of BEEFS, the Nap HS Basketball Camp was this week! What a transition! As for me, after I hang up my judge robe and quit “pounding my gavel”, I get to spend 3.5 hours tonight at some sort of birthing class. And then another 3.5 hours for some other pointless class tomorrow morning! Did I mention that my in-laws and mother will be at the house as well? I SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE THAT ONLY ADDS TO THE HOOT WHICH WILL BE MY WEEKEND. I sentence myself to death.