Friday, June 06, 2014

Judge G$ Is Ready To Rule

Your sworn testimony says that you are ELITE.  May I remind you that you are under oath.
With me being the owner/operator/board of directors of this fine site as well as an internet sex symbol and winner of all debates, I wield a lot of power in this cyber community. Usually, I just unload all of this on you guys and make you understand how inferior and OVERRATED you are. But I am going to expand my awesome powers today. I’m going to use all of my law school knowledge and court room experience to become a one-day-only ELITE sports judge. I’ve got five cases (one more than a Mt. Rushmore) that I will be hearing and ruling on today. Let’s get to them.

Before we get started, Drew is already being charged with contempt of court and Mr. Ace has his right hand on The Holy Bible.

California Chrome vs. History
The Argument: There really isn’t one which means that we’re starting with a softball case and that’s fine by me. The horse owned by those Two Dumb Ass guys is going for history tomorrow at the Belmont Stakes. Will he win?
The Verdict: I’ll allow it. Horse racing needs this. I’ve grown tired of hearing about how it’s been forever. I’m sure that Ape can drop more hot horse takes in the comments but I’m going to end the Triple Crown drought. If a loser like Miguel Cabrera can get the Triple Crown then a winner like some horse can, too.

Jon Singleton vs. The MLB Player’s Union
The Argument: This is interesting. Singleton is some hot shot prospect with the Astros who was called up to Houston a few days ago. HOWEVAH, before getting that call, he signed a 5 year/10 million dollar contract which could cap at 8 years/30 million. Smaller market teams are doing these sort of deals these days in order to lock in big talent at a good rate. It’s not much of a financial risk for the team and it guarantees money for the prospect just in case his pro career flames out. The Union is pissed because Singleton took a well below market value deal.
The Verdict: What the fuck is Singleton thinking? Either he knows that he sucks butts or his agent is dumber than Cakes. Unless his entire family is homeless, there is really no excuse for locking in such a team-friendly contract for SO LONG. If it was 5 years for 20 million with no options, I could understand that. Just plain stupid.

Horace Grant vs. Rational Thought
The Argument: For some reason, bespectacled 90’s role player and Harvey Grant’s bro, Horace Grant was asked this week if his Bulls teams from the early 90’s could beat the 2014 Heat. He said that they would wipe the floor with them. Everyone then had a take on the topic. Nothing was resolved.
The Verdict: SMH. Shut up, Horace. Just shut your mouth. What a fucktarded argument (that we went over earlier this week in another context). You can’t prove ANY of this so what is the point. You know what? Judge G$ RIGHT NOW would kick the shit out of in-his-prime Mike Tyson. Go ahead and try to prove me wrong. I dare you. You want some troof, Ho-Gra? You would lose and you would lose badly. Why? Because players in 2014 are way better than players in 1994. You would make Chris Bosh look like Bill Russell. It’s kind of like how average starting pitchers today would likely own Babe Ruth. Shut your goddamn whore mouth.

Dan Marino and Others vs. The NFL
The Argument: So we settled the concussion lawsuit (I think) a while ago but now we have a group of former players filing a class action lawsuit against the NFL again over shoddy medical treatment and misdiagnoses. Dan Marino was apparently a part of this and then said that he took legal action by mistake(!) so I have no idea what that is all about. These players are pretty much saying that they never were aware of how hurt they were and kept playing which only made things worse.
The Verdict: I have no compassion for these guys. You made the choice to play. I actually want to rule that the players should pay the NFL as they collected game checks even though they were lying about how hurt they were. If you have a head injury and struggle with that for the rest of your life, OK, I get that. The NFL owes those guys something. But if you didn’t know how sprained your ankle was or whatever and just kept asking for the painkiller shot well then fuck you, bro.

Colin Kaepernick’s New Contract vs. Common Sense
The Argument: The 49ers signed Kaep to a 6 year/110 million dollar deal with 61 million GUARANSHEED on Wednesday. That is a lot of GUARANSHEED money OBVZ.  Or something like that.  I don't know.  Now people are saying that it's really team friendly.  Fuck it.
The Verdict: I’m fine with it. He isn’t a game manager or anything like that. Sure, Kaep may not be ELITE yet but going to two straight NFC title games and a Super Bowl in less than two seasons is well on your way to getting there. He’s a really good QB though and good QBs cost cash money. DEAL WITH IT.

It feels good to settle these beefs today. Hey, speaking of BEEFS, the Nap HS Basketball Camp was this week! What a transition! As for me, after I hang up my judge robe and quit “pounding my gavel”, I get to spend 3.5 hours tonight at some sort of birthing class. And then another 3.5 hours for some other pointless class tomorrow morning! Did I mention that my in-laws and mother will be at the house as well? I SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE THAT ONLY ADDS TO THE HOOT WHICH WILL BE MY WEEKEND. I sentence myself to death.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Singleton claims to be addicted to weed and keeps getting in trouble. It's smart for anybody that dumb to lock down a guaranteed $10M.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Let's just hop right into the hottest take of them all today: Lebron.

Nice fucking cramp, bro. We've all had them, and G$ gets them monthly, but you DON'T go out of the fucking game. I've had some monstrous cramps in my legs before, and none of them last longer than a couple minutes. Certainly not the 20 minutes he sat out on the sidelines crying.

That said, that was one of the most impressive 4th quarters I've ever seen. The Spurs just went apeshit, and there really wasn't much that Lebron could do to stop that.

My weekend will be spend at an Outkast concert.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Wow, birthing classes and the in-laws..could go down as one of the worst weekends of the year.
Tip: Make sure you pay extra attention to the birthing video that shows the women's vagina being stretched beyond comprehension. And don't forget to breathe...

-Ohio Nate

GMoney said...

If you are suspended for drug violations, you don't get paid anyway.

Jesus Christ, what a mouth-breather Ide is. Bro, LeBron's smallest muscle is ten times the size of your biggest so don't compare yourself to that genetic freak. He does everything for his team and had to in a 90 degree gym last night. You can't play through cramps. This isn't the flu or a sprained ankle. Cramps knock you out and we know this.

The people who are knocking him are basically calling him a quitter...while they had the lead...in the NBA Finals...while he is the best player on the planet. Think about how dumb that sounds. If he could have played, he would have but his body failed him due to some insane environmental circumstances.

The real question is whether we will have some rube speak up and compare that to Jordan's "flu" game.

GMoney said...

Oh God, there's a video? Sounds like a good time to fake a dump and check Twitter.

Anonymous said...

Ide's made the decision to be THAT guy today. In the words of Cakes...not a good look bro.

G$....the point is that Singleton is most likely gonna do something really dumb and get booted from the league. He needs as much money as he can get it as soon as he can get it.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Good to know that the Astros found their Josh Gordon.

Mr. Ace said...

I had to watch a birthing video when I was a freshman in college. It was a Friday am class and I was hungover as fuck. I have no idea why we were watching it in a psychology class. I will never forget the terrifying shit in that video.

I think Cali Chrome is going to finally break the triple crown draught. Belmont is always tricky because of the distance and some specialty type horses that close like freight trains always run in it and make things interesting. But I'm with u on the triple crown.

The Kaep contract is a little steep. But he obvs held all the leverage in negotiation. But it was still a good signing because they need him.

I don't care about the other shit.

The Spurs are going to win this shit. They can't stop our offense even when our shooters are missing open jumpers. That ball movement last night was a thing of beauty.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, cramps suck. I get them in my calf in the middle of the night sometimes and it is pure agony. Playing a basketball game with that would be impossible.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

We didn't watch a video at the birthing class we went to. I did think I wasn't going to watch Z come out, but in the moment I did. It is amazing when it's your kid (plus my wife got the job done fairly quickly.) Howevah, I'm not watching a fucking video of someone else.

AC should not be the entire focus of Game 1, but it will be forever. Iron Sheike said, "FUCK THE CRAMPS" and I tend to agree.

T. Iceman said...

Heeeeeeere we go. I knew some fart eating shit sucker would call out LeBron cramping last night. I assure you that the cramps you get because you forgot to drink your Voss water aren't nearly as bad as cramps that come from sweating out every last fluid your body has provided, Ide.

And as G$ pointed out...the Heat were winning when LeBron had to leave the game for cramps. Not exactly bitching out of a game.

I'm not sure why Ape is so confident. That game didn't turn the Spurs way until LeBron went out. He isn't going to cramp up every game. Plus you aren't going to win too many playoff games with 23 turnovers. But good job on protecting home court. Like you were supposed to do.

GMoney said...

I think he means that the Spurs turned it over 23 times and still won by 15. 23 TOs aren't going to happen again. Plus, SA's role players are significantly better than Miami's.

And I'm with the Ape: Trivago Shitter is awful. Yeah, he made a few lay-ups but his flops were embarrassing and he was personally responsible for 431 of those 23 turnovers.

Anonymous said...

Iceman wants the Heat to win so badly, its hilarious. His entire NBA year of hot takes will be snuffed out with a Spurs victory.

OVERRATED.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Ace should stick to something he is knowledgeable about, dangerous dogs that maul little kids. California Chrome can't go a mile and a half.

Anonymous said...

EPIC trolling of Lebron by Gatorade on Twitter last night

GMoney said...

Hot Horse Goss! Do we believe Grump who seems like the guy that hangs out at stables or Ape who gets penetrated but horse cocks weekly??? Tough call.

T. Iceman said...

I already said I would admit I was wrong if the Spurs win this championship, Ide. But until that happens I'm not going to praise a franchise that hasn't won a title in an extended period of time.

Like I told Ape last night. Splitter had the same amount of turnovers as Duncan, Parker and Leonard. Splitter shot 80% from the floor had almost double his season point average. Fuckin ease up on the guy.

GMoney said...

Fuckin ease up on the guy.

I believe you mean...GIVE IT A REST! And no because he is a stiff and a foreigner so no.

Anonymous said...

I used to argue about Babe Ruth vs current MLB players all the time with a coworker. The mouthbreather thought that Babe would still dominate today because of his hand eye coordination. I think he'd be an average player at best. OBVZ he's a tard.

Has IDE ever played a sport in his life? I bet he couldn't even make it through a backyard baseball game without getting a cramp and leaving early. Dude sucks.

I thought my weekend sucked last week because I had to attend a HS graduation party on Saturday night and then go to the ceremony on Sunday. Looking back it was ELITE compared to what you're going through. If I were you I'd just run away and never come back.

Commenting from a computer >>>> commenting from a phone. Too bad it's still blocked at work because of Ace's porn days.

Dut

Anonymous said...

I used to argue about Babe Ruth vs current MLB players all the time with a coworker. The mouthbreather thought that Babe would still dominate today because of his hand eye coordination. I think he'd be an average player at best. OBVZ he's a tard.

Has IDE ever played a sport in his life? I bet he couldn't even make it through a backyard baseball game without getting a cramp and leaving early. Dude sucks.

I thought my weekend sucked last week because I had to attend a HS graduation party on Saturday night and then go to the ceremony on Sunday. Looking back it was ELITE compared to what you're going through. If I were you I'd just run away and never come back.

Commenting from a computer >>>> commenting from a phone. Too bad it's still blocked at work because of Ace's porn days.

Dut

Prime99 said...

Ide, are allergies or cramps more devastating?

Cakes said...

REALLY looking forward to some G$ birthing class/in-law stories on Monday.

The "broken" AC was a brilliant play by the Spurs last night. That's some good conspiracy shit right there. I actually watched 3/4 of that game last night before I realized what I was doing.

Singleton is a fucking MORON. The Astros got over on that chump. They new flashing 10 million in front of that kid would get the job done. It's the first victory the Astros have had in years.

Anonymous said...

I'd say drafting George Springer was a victory too.

--Drew

GMoney said...

This Heat TEAM isn't all that great and probably the worst one of the past three but I am 100% confident that the 2014 Spurs beat the 92-94 Bulls by at least 20. AT LEAST.

These arguments are SO TARDED. Today > 20 years ago

It shall be a full weekend of holding in one billion complaints indeed!

GMoney said...

LOL the Yankees 3rd round pick is some kid named Austin DeCarr. He must THROW THE HAMMA DOWN from DEEP IN THE Q also GET THAT WEAK STUFF OUTTA HERE!

T. Iceman said...

I read an article today about celebs with STDs and saw that Jeter gave Jessica Alba herpes. YEAH JEETS!!