Monday, May 05, 2014

You Can Always Call Me Mr. Reliable

OMG somebody get me a GMoney lid.
I'm usually not the NBA writer around here but with some fairly large news stories and FIVE game sevens from this past weekend, well, I'm going to have to grab the bull by the horns.  Just kidding...the Bulls are terrible and yanking on their horns right now because they couldn't stop Marcin Gortat.  Butt horns, I say.  Let's get to what really pissed me off this weekend:

"KD got to be a free agent at some point."--LeBron James

Oh, fuck you, Princess.  Fuck you straight to Hell.  This is in response to the local Oklahoma rag calling Durant "Mr. Unreliable" after he tanked that free throw in game 5 to lose.  And it was completely fair by the way.  But apparently, to the bald king at least, everyone owes superstars everything and can never criticize them ever.  If so, fuck you I'm out.  First of all, why is anyone asking LeBron's opinion on Durant's free throw struggles anyway?  Who asked this question?  Second, people are going to take shots at you when you fail (LeBron should know this from experience dude [/eats 30 sack lunches]) and when this happens, you don't threaten the fans that you are going to walk if they aren't nice to you.  By the way, Bron Bron, no one in Cleveland said anything bad about you for 26 years and look where it got them.  Ringless despite promises made.  Just sayin', bruh.  Maybe Durant will leave OKC when his contract is up and he goes home to DC or to LA or to NY.  I don't know where but I do know that it won't be because The Oklahoman called him out for missing clutch free throws in 2014.  Fuck off, son-of-whore.  And stop asking for this guy's opinion on EVERYTHING.

V. Stiviano is even more gross than I expected - I'm not sure if you saw the clips from her interview with Barbara Walters (confirming that she is only in this for her 15 minutes) but she referred to herself as Sterling's "Silly Bunny".  Gross.  So either they had weirdo role playing sessions where Sterling was Elmer Fudd and she was Bugs (LOL at  the idea of a big racist chasing around a half black with a shotgun) or they liked to bump uglies in giant bowls of Trix.  Both options are awful. V. Stiviano is one of the most disgusting gold diggers of all time.  I'm just a Dollar Menu-aire and even I wouldn't hit that.

Damian Lillard - You have earned the right to do the same big balls dance popularized by well known Martian, Sam Cassell.

The Pacers move on! - And I'm glad.  This team is too dysfunctional for me to not want to watch them anymore.  On the drive back to Nap on Saturday, I picked up the Pacers radio network somehow and it was adorbs how their radio guys kept trying to brush off how shitty Indy is.  The play by play guy called Lance Stephenson "Sir Lance-A-Lot" which nearly made me drive off the road due to LULZ overdose.  I actually think that their series with the Wiz could be a lot of fun.  Evan Turner is still a clubhouse cancer.  And I really enjoy constant camera shots of Larry Bird being pissed off.  Those are the gifts that keep on giving.

Speaking of The Legend (sort of) - I was re-watching Bad Boys at the gym on Saturday morning and it was the part after Detroit had clinched their second title and Laimbeer was wearing a black fedora (like the villain that he always wanted to be!) and holding The O'Brien Trophy.  This is what happened if you forgot...
(camera pans to Bill spooning the trophy and he is not sure what to do)
(Laimbeer does not know what to say next so he awkwardly gives the trophy a kiss while running through his rolodex of relevant pop culture phrases from that time period)
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL He dumped an MC Hammer lyric into his celebration!  WHAT A TOOL!  What I'm trying to say here is that I'm dying for Birdman Anderson to be in the same scenario and drop "BRO (kiss) BLURRED LINES"!  Laimbeer sucks for life.

The Grizzlies got fucked - I don't care if it was right.  You can't suspend big Z-Bo for game 7.  You just can't.  OKC sucks.  Any team that still gives decent burn to Derek fucking Fisher is a joke.  Also, Scott Brooks is a loser.

Sterling's Boyzzzz move on! - It's good to see the Clips rally around their class act owner to advance.  Christ, how bad are the Warriors that they couldn't even win a series with THAT MUCH of a distraction?  Mark Jackson should get nice and fired this week which will give him plenty of time to make up new words before he goes back to working for ESPN.  LEMPH!  STREMPH!  Never forget that he is the originator.  By the way, this marks Chris Paul's third playoff series win in his career.  THREE.  Dude is pretty OVERRATED IMO.  Clippers/Thunder...that should be a real HOOT.

So Brooklyn won for Ide and his skinny jeans - If you're one of those people who think that the NBA is fixed then you already knew how this one was ending.  Even when Toronto went up 3-2, you knew damn well that the NBA would never allow the Raptors to win this.  And then you saw Joey Crawford on the call for game 7 and it was quite OBVZ how this one was going down.  How does that shithead keep getting big games?  I'd rather see a crew of Donaghy, Ted Valentine, and Ed Hightower out there.  I can't wait to hear all of those idiots saying "Brooklyn went 4-0 against the Heat this year!" and then Miami wins in 5 or maybe 6 at the most.

The Spurs stopped fucking around - You know what, the combined ELITEness of 5 game sevens ended up not being that great as 3 of those games were dog shit and we really didn't get any upsets.  Oh well.  At least DeJuan Blair can still be the Mexican equivalent of John "Goat Boy" Blair AKA Henry County Hall of Famer.

So what do we have left?  IND/WAS (I dig), BKN/MIA (yawn), SA/POR (nice), and OKC/LAC (boo-yah!).  I just wish that they would start these west coast games before 4 am.  Look, jerks, I'm old and tired.  I can't stay awake long enough to watch the Blazers and Clippers both pull relatively big upsets.  And I think that you would be a damn fool to pick against a Miami/Washington conference final as well.  Either way, this has been wildly enjoyable so far and it would be great if they could continue this.


Randall Stevens said...

5am diarrhea = first comment.

G$ is having a hard time hiding his bro crush on Laimbeer. Bill Laimbeer is and always will be the best. Just another player too good for the Cavs.

I actually have a little bit of a problem with that reporter calling out Durant and don't think its even a little fair. If you're a basketball city rich in a winning history before Durant then sure. Fire away if that's what you wanna do. But you've only enjoyed your recent success as a franchise because of Durant. Calling him out for bricking a free throw that lost a game is not only's flat out fucking dumb. It's also a sure fire way to make him wonder why the fuck he even bothers to stick with the Thunder when he could be elsewhere winning titles. Call out your best player and push him into free agency and let the LOL era of the Thunder begin.

Randall Stevens said...

Oh yeah. Mark Jackson getting fired would be the dumbest thing the Warriors could do. They act like someone else could've done better and act like that city has a history of winning basketball. Jackson took a historically shitty team and made them good. Really good. You know what? Go ahead and fire him. And then the Pistons can get him and not be pathetic anymore.

Grumpy said...

When was the last time Evan Turner was on the court? Besides warm-ups.

Anonymous said...

G$ would TOTES have "LAIMBEER" shaved into his head if he was a Cav.

Clippers will knock out OKC.

Do not want Mark Jackson.

Gronk was in downtown Columbus yesterday partying at Park Street Cantina. ...LOLZ.


GMoney said...

But the article wasn't that bad. The title had the power of ten thousand black man thrusts in Ide's b-hole at the gym, but it wasn't that scathing of a piece. Dude was shooting around 70% from the line in the series and they called him on it. He said that he understood. All of the peeps freaking out about this (looking at you, Bron) clearly did not read/can't read.

Mark Jackson had to demote two assistants this year and just got punked by a racist team. He has earned a pink slip if he gets it. They should be better than what they are.

History means very little when compared to the present.

Laimbeer sucks 4 Lyf.

Mr. Ace said...

I've become a YUGE Lillard fan throughout the year. Not many guys playing PG better than he is right now. But Tony Parker has been killing it and I don't think Lillard can slow him down.

I hate Russ Westbrook. I hate his game, I hate that he dresses like Prince, and I hate the way he speaks. That being said I still hope they beat the Clips because the Spurs will beat the Thunder easily. The Clips have activated their racial injustice swag and I don't like it.

V Stiv is truly hideous.

The East is still so fucking terrible.

GMoney said...

Good call on Russell Westbrook. Don't forget that he is also trying to sell Flatizzas to the idiot public.

Anonymous said...

Are Flatizzas any good? I don't eat at subway because I'm not lava girl or Seal. I did venture out and snag some taco bell breakfast after a physical. That stuff is pretty good.


Mr. Ace said...

I haven't had a flatizza. However, go buy some Garlic Naan and make ur own flatbread pizza at home and throw that shit on the grill. It's ELITE. The minorities I work with do enjoy the flatizzas tho.

GMoney said...

So Subway is making these Flatizzas because minorities can't afford Hot & Ready's? I guess that makes sense.

Ape, I think that Portland is a bad matchup for your old men. BLAZE UP!

Randall Stevens said...

Durant said he understood because he's a hell of a guy and is too nice to blast back like most NBA guys would. That being said, even if the article wasn't that bad, you don't tempt fate by publicly insulting the one guy behind your success as a franchise. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to criticize Durant but you also shouldn't treat him like an asshole. That headline was being an asshole. There's a difference.

A team that consistently missed the playoffs before Jackson got there should be better than what they are merely 3 years later? What does that mean? They're a consistent playoff team now. expect a championship in year 3? In the west? Pretty unrealistic. Coaches in the NBA have done less for longer and kept their jobs.

Mr. Ace said...

Mark Jackson is an ass hole and ownership hates him. He needed to get out of the first round to keep his job. GS has the talent to do that. I think Jackson Is a good coach, but for whatever reason he isn't working in GS.

I Think the Blazers are a tough match up as well. But the Spurs are making it to The Finals because Pop said so.

Cakes said...

There was basketball on this weekend?

The only thing I'm interested in talking about is how some people think that Donald Sterling broad is hot. SHE UGLY!

GMoney said...

I think that Jackson gets a monster free pass from the media because everyone with a live mic likes him. You will never hear Breen or Van Gundy criticize him. The FACT is that they pissed this series away and, like Ape said, ownership doesn't like him.

STREMPH Man even said that he gets to coach the best backcourt in NBA history and has almost zero playoff success to show for it. I don't think that he sucks or anything but he has had long enough.

Whether that newspaper is being a cocksucker or not, LeBron James IS being a cocksucker about something that he has nothing to do with. Silver should fine him for tampering or ban him from the league for having a TAEK that he shouldn't be expressing.

Aldridge is the kind of player that could make Duncan look really old.

GMoney said...

Who do you know that has publicly said that V. Stiviano is hot? Stop knowing those people.

Randall Stevens said...

That's a dumb reason to fire someone. "You win and make the playoffs but I hate you soooooooo YOU GONE!"

Have fun going back to sub mediocrity.

Cakes was too busy watching the WINDIANS lose games all weekend.

Anonymous said...


For the second week in a row, my post was lost after I posted it. This is bullshit.

Errybody is scheming. Cersei is scheming. Margaery is scheming. See Pounce definitely is scheming. And Tywin is but he is totes broke. Iron bank isn't a bank you fuck with. I'm glad this is a focal point.

Sansa is still an idiot. But since Tommy Carcetti took her to the Eerie she will be safe and probably sad. I really wanted to see Robin suckling at his moms tit.

Dany is a shitty ruler. Just goes to show why you never free slaves. This will be a thing for a while and its boring. I hate Dany.

Arya and the Hound. Didn't do much but it was still awesome. The Hound verbally then physically bitchslapping her was great.

This takes us to the wall. Now I'm still confused on why they took us on this round about (how did ghost get to the other side of the wall?). But whatever. Jon killed people a lot. Lock wanted to find Bran. Did. Died.

Hodor. Snapping necks and making it look easy.

I really want a direwolf.

Not a lot in this episode but it really did set the table for the rest of the season. Shits about to get real. Except with Dany. Ugh.


GMoney said...

Are the Warriors getting better/progressing? You could make a pretty good case that they aren't. Your love of Mark Jackson's dick GIRF is pretty interesting.

GMoney said...

Yeah, this was more of a plot progression episode instead of FUCK YEAH ACTION like it has been for the first three episodes.

Bran sucks but I really wish that he would get rid of the Weiner Twins and just roll with Hodor. What do the Weiner Twins do anyway? They aren't needed. Just take that kid to a sorcerer or something and grant him the power to walk again. GIVE IT A REST.

Big fan of the reverse sword swallowing the Karl did.

Oh man, Tommen is TOTES beating the geek hourly to Margaery. Look at that kid...he's got to be rubbing himself raw.

Wait, so Lysa killed her husband for Carcetti and Carcetti started ALL OF THIS for some reason? That is a lot of plot for one scene. Lysa is fucking nuts.

LOL Sansa and her love of lemon cakes.

Anonymous said...

The Reeds are getting the shaft in the story. They are really cool in the books. Meara is a little badass excels at hiding and poisoning EVERYTHING.


Randall Stevens said...

It's not that I have some weird love for Jackson, it's I don't understand why teams are so willing to ditch coaches that have improved the team. Especially teams that have been terrible for a very long time.

When you fuck around and fire a coach that players like playing for and who has improved the team, you're in danger of setting your team back 10 years.

GMoney said...

Dude bro, rock solid owners like J. Haslam don't even give coaches one year so three isn't all that bad.

I mean, he's way better than Scott Brooks and would get another job right away, but you can't deny that they should be better than "first round exit" by now. They truly have ELITE talent with a TRANSCENDENT point guard that grew up with a father. You yourself hate Glenn Rivers yet Glenn sent LEMPH home.

Don Nelson did a good job coaching them, too. Don't act like the Warriors are the Bobcats or something.

Prime99 said...

V. Stiviano was an actor, right? From Juwanaman? Man face, for real.

GOT was good last night. A transition episode, but still solid. Dany is TOTES boring. Fucking unreal how bogged down her story gets.

Little Finger is making moves. Lord of the Eyrie? Coming up in the world.

Cakes said...

I was watching the Indians win until yesterday when the Axman blew the game in spectacular fashion. Should've had the sweep. I can't stand losses like that. Would rather be blown out by six runs.

GOT has been pretty tame the past two weeks. It's got to be building up to something really big though. I can wait patiently.

I'm going to start talking like Lord Baelish. How long before I end up in jail?

Veep is fucking amazing. It may have the best one-liners on TV right now.

I was at Champps in Columbus yesterday after my brother graduated from OSU. What is the extra "p" in Champps for anyway? Nobody could tell me.

GMoney said...

The garage door mural from last night's Silicon Valley won the night for me. Still LOLing hard over that one.

Randall Stevens said...

The Warriors have made the playoffs 3 times in the last 20 years. Two of those times were under Mark Jackson. So yeah...they kinda were the Bobcats before he got there.

As far as the talent goes, outside of Curry and Iguodala that roster isn't all that impressive. I would even say that Iggy is a bit OVERRATED. Thompson is getting better but isn't a superstar by any means. Bogut can't stay on the court and Lee is about as big of a defensive liability as you can have. The Clippers have more talent and supposedly a way better coach. The fact that series went 7 games even with the Warriors not at full STREMPH is a pretty impressive.

GMoney said...

So we're just going to act like the Warriors had very little talent now? OK. Looks like I'm done here.

But for the sake of not losing an easily winnable argument, the coach of the Warriors, made it well known that the Warriors have the best guard combo of all time in his opinion. EVER. So either he is a complete fucking moron or his team underachieved. Checkmate, BRAH.

Randall Stevens said...

Look. The Warriors clearly have talent. I never said they didn't. But you're making it sound like that roster is fucking loaded which it most certainly is not. The Clippers have better players at almost every position. They should have won that series convincingly and did not.

Coaches say that shit all the time. What are they supposed to say when asked about the talent on their team?

"Yeah...we aren't very good and most of these players are terrible."

So I guess you can say that he's an idiot if you really feel the need to put a label on it.

GMoney said...

Quit making excuses for your twin brother, Andrew Bogut. The "best backcourt to ever exist" should never lose in the first round to a team dealing with the biggest distraction to ever distract.

GMoney said...

By the way, your very not ELITE boyfriend, Richard Gannon, was quoted by Peter King this morning by saying that Johnny Football has "the balls of a burglar". Not an ELITE QB or broadcaster but a borderline ELITE quote machine/nickname maker-upper.

Cakes said...

"The balls of a Burglar" may have just convinced me that Johnny Manwhore is our guy. That's spectacular.