Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Time To Die, Bitch.


"Tap my leg if you're running out of air, okay?  Ide?  Ide?!  IDE!!!!!"



Next Tuesday I could have a big announcement to make.  I should know for sure in two or three days.  And no...I'm not Mike Sam's gay lover he mouth kissed in the video all of these "Pro Gay" people seem to have this big problem with.  Honestly.  That has probably been the most hilarious part about Sam getting drafted.  I can't tell you how many times I've seen a version of this post or Tweet: I'm not a homophobe...BUT, did ESPN really need to show Sam and his boyfriend being all fuckin gay together??

It's absolutely hilarious the number of people who put that up and don't realize that it means they are incredibly homophobic.  That's like saying, "I'm not racist...BUT, do black people really have to shop in the same store that I do?"  We joke a lot around here but in all honestly, I'm really happy for Sam and he should have been drafted way sooner than the 7th round.  It's pretty OBVZ the reason he slipped is because he's TOTES gay even if teams are saying otherwise.  Dude was a consensus All American and SEC defensive player of the year.  We're not stupid, guys.  I thought the video of Sam learning he had been drafted was awesome.  All of it.  I had zero problem with him locking lips with his boyfriend and I hope he proves everyone wrong and becomes one of the best players this league has seen.  Transition...

So yesterday morning I literally threw out my back and have been a miserable dick wad ever since.  My wife really loves me right now, let me tell you.  I will say this...there is no greater pain on this earth than back pain.  Lower, middle, upper...it does not matter.  It cripples the fuck out of you.  You feel it in your entire body and almost nothing you do can relieve how uncomfortable it is.  As I sat in a sweaty pile of my own misery yesterday I started thinking that it wouldn't be so bad if Anton Chigurh were to silently walk in and kill me where I sat.  Couple that with the fact that I pretty much slothed on the couch all day and watched Discovery ID shows about people getting murdered and you get this.  The top 5 worst ways to die.

5.  Burned alive.
The initial stage of getting burned alive would suck hairy balls.  Being engulfed in flames has to hurt a lot.  But I've read that you only feel pain for a few minutes before all of the nerve endings get annihilated by the heat.  Science and stuff.  So I guess that's a positive.

4.  Beaten to death.
Slightly more shitty then getting burned to death.  I would imagine that after a quite a few good licks your body just goes into shock or you're so closed to being the consistency of mashed potatoes that you stop feeling pain altogether.  But that first 10 minutes or so of just getting fuckin worked over have to be pretty sucky.

3.  Falling off of a building.
Especially if it's a really tall building.  Like the Willis Tower.  The time it takes you to fall has to be the most terrifying (X number of seconds) you could ever experience.  Knowing that in a short amount of time you're going to be human paste on the cement and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it has to be some scary shit.  And let's not forget on the off chance you survive the fall if the building is significantly shorter, you're pretty much totally fucked.  Ugh.  Those injuries are going to be fucking gruesome as shit and will take an entire lifetime to recover from. I would think at that point you would almost be begging for death.

2.  Drowning/Strangling/Hanging/Pretty much anything that has to do with asphyxiation.
I've almost drown before so I can speak first hand to how fucking scary this shit is.  It was either in Myrtle Beach or somewhere in Florida when I was something like 13.  As you can tell I'm a stickler for details.  LOL.  Me and a friend were fucking around in the pool and he kept pushing me under.  One thing led to another and I nearly perished that day.  Once I finally emerged from a push that felt like I was under water for 12 minutes, I punched him right in the mouth for almost killing me.  Right in front of his mom.  Oh...pretty sure I called him a fucking twat or something similar.  Also in front of his mom.  He didn't realize how close I was to dying until the punch...or the twat remark.  Make sure your comment today says something about how you wish I had died that day.  Totally ruined it for you assholes.

1.  Buried alive.
Hands down the worst and second place isn't even close.  I watched a show that showcased this elderly couple who were buried alive after being robbed.  They interviewed a doctor to tell the viewers exactly what happens when someone is buried alive and what the doctor described was absolutely fucking horrifying.  He said that the victim gradually inhales dirt and the lungs slowly collapse on themselves until function stops.  He said it usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes to die and towards the end its like breathing out of a straw after running a marathon.  Fuck that shit.

That's it.  I think the best ways to die would have to be Die in your sleep, shot in the brain and blown into smithereens by a grenade or something like that.  No pain.  The MoneyShot is getting a little morbid today.  And if you want, we can always LOL at guys like Case McCoy and Marshall Henderson for sending gay hate tweets out then attempting to back track off of them.  Stupid AFFLETES are the greatest.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

The transition from the first few sentences to the topic at hand is very odd. Hopefully, it means you have a terminal disease...LOLZ.

I don't have any problems with Sam. I do think he's a tweener tho, which is the main reason he fell in the draft.

If you have watched the SAW movie series then you know there are many ways to die worse than the ones you listed. I think I'd put dying in a fire or getting beat up at the top of your list though. Being trapped in a smoke filled room waiting for the flames to roll in would be awful....and listening to your skull get crushed, ribs breaking, getting curbed, etc would probably just be the worst for me.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I'm glad you didn't drown. Without you, who would interpret the NFL Rulebook for us?

GMoney said...

Next Tuesday I could have a big announcement to make

Most people probably hope that it is a letter of resignation from here but not me. In FACT, if you try to pull that shit, I'll promote you to every day guy until you clean all of our attics.

My worst way to die is from one of the Austin Powers movies: being run over feet first by one of those...I can't even think of what they're called right now...god I need some coffee...big smasher thingies that they use to help pave and level roads. I'm an idiot.

Mr. Ace said...

I'm no homophobe...but they did give him and his boytoy a whole lot of play, especially with the cake makeout scene. It didn't bother me from the perspective of watching men kiss, because I love it obvs, but it just seemed like ESPN was trolling hard for the gay haters.

Have you ever seen Faces of Death? Then you would know there are much more horrible ways to die. Being buried alive would totes blow, though.

Mr. Ace said...

Did your wife post this for you?

GMoney said...

Forgot to give my Sam taek. It's 2014, rubes, just be happy that you didn't have to watch them fuck. Also, his Heartbreak Kid looked like a real homo. Can't wait to see him sitting with the other Rams wives!

Marshall Henderson psychology/sociology experiments FTW!!!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Ace. Faces of death shows some pretty awful stuff. I think being drawn and qaurtered by a horse would be one of the worst ways to go. You can actually hear your skin and muscles tearing and see your guts spilling out everywhere.

GMoney, the big smasher thing is also known as a smooth drum roller. Your welcome.

-Ohio Nate

Prime99 said...

Marshall is far more qualified to give Josh Gordon TAEKS. I'm assuming his friend's psychology experiment will be published in ALL CAPS.

I think people think gayness spreads through the TV. It doesn't. Give it a rest.

There aren't too many great ways to die. I prefer to not be buried alive if all possible.

GMoney said...

Being eaten by an ELITE predator like a lion or a shark or a dinosaur would be pretty shitty. Wait a minute--add snake to that list, too. God, I hate snakes.

Anonymous said...

Tuesdays here are worse than death.

--Your Biggest Stan

Randall Stevens said...

I was never a faces of death guy. Everyone always lost their shit over those movies but I never really paid attention much to them. I've seen a few minutes of one of the tapes (that should tell you how long ago it was...video tapes) and I remember thinking it was OVERRATED.

I considered putting "mauled by a jungle creature" on this list because that has to suck ass. Especially if it starts with the legs. But most of us aren't coming face to face with rabid mountain lions on the reg. So unless you're being a jackass at the local zoo or swimming in the ocean, the odds of getting killed by a wild animal/eaten by a shark aren't great.

Drew, the Saw examples are a very good point. Those are some terrible ways to die. I just hope that a sick bastard like jigsaw doesn't show up one day and start administering modern day justice in forms of torture. I didn't include anything from Saw since those are killing machines built by a deranged lunatic.

I love tweeting to Marshall Henderson that his sister is a whore. One of my favorite things to do on twitter. One of these days he's gonna snap and start blasting back.

He's the first openly gay man in the NFL, Ace. That deserves quite a bit of attention since there are OBVZ still gay haters out there.

Mr. Ace said...

I'm not saying the story isn't huge, being the first openly gay player in the NFL is a big deal. But showing the makeout sesh and two men sharing that moment was a total troll move. They were baiting mouthbreathing athletes everywhere into saying something stupid on social media that they could run with. And I am all for the bigots being called out, but ESPN was totes trolling.

I don't remember much about the Faces of Death tapes, but I know I was in 4th grade and it freaked me the fuck out.

I love me some Marshall Henderson.

STAN!

Jeff said...

Hostel style. Kidnapped in eastern Europe and sick rich bastards pay to torture you anyway they please with your eventual death. That would suck.

Randall Stevens said...

I don't know if it was trolling though. I think they just wanted to give Sam his moment to shine just like they did with every other guy the networks zero in on. I bet no one would have had a problem if ESPN showcased AJ McCarron and showed clips of him tongue bathing his super hot girlfriend. My thought is they were giving Sam his moment to do what he wanted and the public reacted like silverback gorillas.

GMoney said...

the public reacted like silverback gorillas

You leave Trent Williams out of this.

The worst way to die would be via suffocation from cake that Michael Sam shoved in your mouf OBVZ.

GMoney said...

But I demand to know if Michael Sam and his Mr. Slave are EXCLUSIVE???

Randall Stevens said...

I think the real trolling came from Sam. Wearing a pink shirt was a beautiful touch and part of me hopes it was a huge, black middle finger to the world.

G$, you heathen. You're not even going to celebrate the personal accomplishment of one of our own commenters today? What an insensitive boob.

Prime99 said...

As someone who got Marshall to reply, I know the joys of trolling that Neanderthal. The ensuing fight between us and the inbred Ole Miss fans was still a top Twitter exchange for me.

Anonymous said...

Falling off of a building would be a cool way to go IMO. I've said that if I had to kill myself, nosediving off of the WTC would be ideal. You get to cross basejumping off of your bucketlist right before you go.

Faces of Death were mostly fake, fyi.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Falling off of a building would be a cool way to go IMO. I've said that if I had to kill myself, nosediving off of the WTC would be ideal. You get to cross basejumping off of your bucketlist right before you go.

Faces of Death were mostly fake, fyi.

Ide

Randall Stevens said...

Ide helping out website numbers with the double post.

If you're committing suicide, sure. Plunge off of a 150 story building because no one can survive that impact. But if you're being murdered...falling to your death would be a different story and probably not the most ideal way to go.

GMoney said...

G$, you heathen. You're not even going to celebrate the personal accomplishment of one of our own commenters today? What an insensitive boob.

Are you talking about Commenter Daniel getting inducted into the NHS HOF? Because congrats are in order for that. Not sure how he is going to take going in with a class headlined by a black guy though.

That's not a bad class although Louis should have went in the first year he was eligible. That's a fucking crime that he had to wait 7 years.

I have no idea how the HOF process works, but Groll going in before Fruth (who was a way better football player and wrestler) is like Pat Fitzgerald getting into the CFB HOF before Spielman. What a joke. And Larry Sasaki? He had a worse winning percentage than Rod Marinelli. You shouldn't let people in because they're a nice guy.

I almost went on a really long Twitter rant at Ratliff last night based on Groll and Sasaki getting in but I bit my tongue. Since this is MY HOUSE though, I can say what I want.

Is there a list of the Hall of Fame inductees? A basic google search pulls up nothing. That's lame.

GMoney said...

I mean a list of all Hall of Famers. I want to know if Walt is in. He probably shouldn't be but his reincarnation as an ELITE Twitter personality makes him more than deserving.

Fucking Groll??? Come on.

Randall Stevens said...

I saw this morning that Ratliff retweeted one of Walt Behrman's tweets. I can't figure out if Ratliff gets the joke or if he really thinks it's Walt Behrman. Something to keep an eye on.

You're right that Louis should've been in the first year eligible, G$. I played on that team and he was something special. I'll say forever that Louis would have had way more offers if his grades weren't so shitty.

Randall Stevens said...

and yes...I was speaking of commenter Daniel making the NHS Hall of Fame. Congrats bud. I'm pretty sure next year G$ and I will be on the inductee list. Just waiting for that call...

Daniel said...

How do I get a list of this year's 'class'? I just found out last week and I am holding open try outs to find the appropriate person to present me (even though I don't think they have presenters).

Cakes said...

I had a few "faces of death" parties back in the day. Complete with Boons Farm for the ladies and Cobra's for the fellas! People in high school are idiots. Internet porn was still in it's infancy and I remember getting slightly aroused by the scene with the chicks killing some dude and slathering his blood all over their bare tits. It's a miracle I didn't turn into a serial killer.

Marshall Henderson trying to say his tweets were just an experiment for his buddies class is ALL THE LULZ.

Mr. Ace said...

Didn't Groll get 2nd in State his senior year? That's probably HOF worthy. I have no idea of Fruths accomplishments....other than him being a badass.

The current Napoleon coach will rewrite the record books. BOOK IT!

Randall Stevens said...

Jeff Ratliff has the names on his Twitter feed, Dan.

Randall Stevens said...

If State appearances in track and field get you in the Hall of Fame then I have some brothers who should be getting in. But I'm sure local politics will keep them out! Conspiracy!! Tin hats!!!

Daniel said...

Randall - The only form of social media I have is LinkedIn so I can always be on the look out for CEO openings in the Columbus area. Put another way - I don't believe in Facebook nor Twitter. I made the decision about a year ago to get rid of Facebook as I had grown extremely tired of seeing millions of pictures of the 15 kids each girl from my high school had accumulated since graduation (take note G$ - don't post obnoxious amounts of kid pictures). In addition, I believe Twitter is mostly a platform of self-promotion, so I never got into that either.

I actually very much enjoy not knowing what anyone is doing, and similarly knowing that no one knows what I'm doing. Give it a try, you will feel liberated.

Daniel said...

Mr. Ace you belong in the Tool Hall of Fame for all of your dedication and philanthropy in the field of miter saw education.

Cakes said...

I'm starting to agree with Daniel regarding Facebook. It's pretty obnoxious. There is no way I'm giving up Twitter though. Twitter is fucking amazing.

Teddy Brodgewater can SUCK A DICK. GTFO with that "I didn't want to play in Cleveland" bullshit. Your tears are delicious you limp-armed fuckwad.

GMoney said...

Daniel might just be this site's Ron Swanson. I like it.

If there is some sort of ceremony in which you need to bring along an inductor, the answer is Tress. Always Tress.

I was thinking about this over lunch. Louis might not have gotten in until this year because he might not have officially graduated until last year no offense.

Your Groll accolades are news to me. Second in track or wrestling? It doesn't matter, I guess, either one is impressive. But as the Senior RT to his Junior RG, my opinion of him as an afflete was nothing more than "meh".

Anonymous said...

I gave up facebook for most of April and it was great. I have since used it very sparingly since coming back. It is indeed a wasteland now.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Love that Haden deal BTW .

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Twitter and Facebook are nothing alike.

Daniel said...

They have the internet on computers now?

Anonymous said...

New job = Loose Firewalls

TMS has been freed and you all will be seeing a lot more of me now. Consider yourself lucky.

I don't care to see a cake fight/makeout fest between two dudes. I know, I'm just a terrible person.

Larry Sasaki as a HOFer is all kinds of funny. I feel that my off the field issues post-graduation will keep me from the HOF.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

He was second at state in wrestling.

What did Louis do other than score 1k points? You need a resume not a bullet point. I don't remember any of those teams leaving bowling green with hardware?

You have to be graduated 10 years and someone has to nominate you. So that might be part of the reason, you calling all of Naptown racist!? Or you can nominate yourself I believe which is what G$ should start doing annually and by accompanying that with a check to the alumni association.

I believe from there a committee reviews and selects.

Lot of NWOAL old timer all stars make it in. Psssshhhh #nocompetition.

Congrats Daniel. I'm sure OSU walk on was all you needed to get the nod from the local buckeye cult.

I'm working on that list for you, I'm sure it's somewhere. I'll have uncle j Saul dig that up and I'll post it here.

Daniel said...

Ironically enough - I just read the article on ESPN about the Joe Haden deal. Included in said article is a picture of the following humble tweet from Joe;

'Proud 2 announce that i signed a 5year extension with the browns! 68M with 45 guaranteed!'

This proves my point that Twitter is used for nothing more than shameless self promotion. I mowed the lawn yesterday and I didn't need to get a pat on the back from all my internet friends for it.

GMoney said...

Damman can be the new Seal. Start picking on him, Drew.

2nd place is the first loser.

Prime99 said...

I'd be shocked and offended if the Napoleon HOF doesn't make mention of the YMCA Light Blue youth team.

GMoney said...

I may be TOTES JELLY, but all I can tell you is that this Hall of SHAME as currently constructed is about as ELITE as Holgate. Who the fuck is Tom Weaver???

Hastings or GTFO. And as a reminder, my post from four years ago on Hastings is still an incredible read.

T. Iceman said...

Stacks