Monday, May 19, 2014

The MLB Season At The Quarter Pole

This little booger-eating Cubs fan is a combo of Buke, Larry, and Prime
Tonight, after work, I will be loading up the wife into the car via forklift and heading to Chicago.  I try to attend at least one MLB game per season and tomorrow is that day.  It is really sad that this is my yearly goal considering that I live within 3 hours of four damn teams and 90 minutes from downtown Cincinnati.  My laziness is legendary.  Anyway, I get to watch Tatanka shut out the Cubs (again) from some box seats at Wrigley and that is cool by me.  Tomorrow is when the Cubs plan on honoring the career of Derek Jeter which should also bring out all the stars.  I expect to become immediate best friends with Vince Vaughn, Bill Murray, Jeff Garlin, and Ditka.  I might even try to get them to contribute here.  Since I am in a baseball mindset, let's talk about the first quarter of the season today before I hit the road.

After 40+ games, you can pretty much see how things are going to go.  I don't need another month or two to know that the AL Central race is already over and that the Diamondbacks, Pirates, Cubs, and Astros have already been eliminated from the postseason.  So let's hand out some awards that mean nothing (just like AL pennant rings, Dut!).

Best Team AL: Detroit - They have the best record by far and will go the entire season without breaking a sweat.  But you still have to win the games and they are.  The last team to roll through a season wire to wire was the '98 Yankees and this Tigers team is not the '98 Yankees.  They've peaked too early (I hope).
Best Team NL: San Francisco - We should have known that this was coming.  They win a Series, miss the playoffs, win another series, and then miss the playoffs.  Remember when they swept the Tigers two years ago?  That was ELITE.  I'm really happy that the Sauls were there to witness that.

Most Disappointing Team AL: Texas - This was a very coveted award as you could easily have given this to Cleveland or Tampa Bay and their idiot "genius" manager but I'll give credit to the team trailing goddamn Seattle in the West.
Most Disappointing Team NL: Cincinnati - I expected Pittsburgh to go back to suck this year but I didn't expect the Reds to be so mediocre.  To be fair, they've dealt with a lot of injuries to important players but it's not like they were scoring a ton when they were healthy anyway.

Most Surprising Team AL: Oakland - HOW DO THEY KEEP DOING THIS!  The A's have the best run differential in the league at +85.  The next highest in all of baseball is the Tigers at +51.  That says it all.  I still think that the Tigers are better though because they beat the A's in the playoffs every goddamn year and it is annoying.
Most Surprising Team NL: Miami - Well, they're still over .500 so give them some credit.  It would have been interesting to see how long they could stay in the wild card race had Fernandez not gotten hurt. 

AL MVP: Derek Jeter - Eh, no one else is standing out so far and this would right the wrong from the year that Morneau stole the award from #2.  Yep, Derek Jeter is the MVP every season.  YEAH JEETS!
NL MVP: Troy Tulowitzki - We better acknowledge him before he gets hurt and you know that that is coming.

AL Least Valuable Player: Prince Fielder - You know, maybe he just sucks. 
NL Least Valuable Player: Curtis Granderson - He has more home runs at Yankee Stadium this season than in his home park and is hitting well under .200.  The Mets signed him to a 4 year/60 million dollar deal a few months ago.

AL Rookie of the Year: Masahiro Tanaka - This decision was made a lot easier after Jose Abreu went on the DL yesterday.
NL Rookie of the Year: Billy Hamilton - No one else is really challenging as George Springer has yet to be ELITE for the Astros.  After a God awful start, BH has been pretty good for the underachieving Deads.

AL Cy Young Winner: Max Scherzer - Barely.  I give him a slight nod over Tanaka just because it's harder to repeat a terrific season and he is somehow better.  And when you take the ELITE Joe Flacco path to free agency, well, that has proven to be an ELITE decision.  This is a two horse race.
NL Cy Young Winner: Johnny Cueto - This is not even close.  Hopefully, he can stay off the DL.  The Reds should be embarrassed that Cueto has a 1.25 ERA yet has 2 losses.

A few HOT TAEKS that don't fall under any of the above categories!
*Pretty sure that 2014 Mark Buehrle is the biggest fluke ever.
*The Indians are terrible but not because of why you would think.  Masterson and Salazar have been bad while the other guys who you thought sucked have not.  Strange season for the Tribe so far but they aren't making the fake playoffs again this season. Sorry, bros.
*I refuse to believe that Rick Porcello has finally figured it out.  Dude blows.  At least he isn't going bald like that faggot, Verlander, though.  Kate Upton is such a fat loser.  She will never be as ELITE as Marisa Miller.
*Isn't it hilarious that the Yankees unearth some weirdo that dominates every season.  This year's main man, Yangervis Solarte, is currently 4th in the AL in BA.  LOL!
*As someone who considers Joe Maddon to be about the most OVERRATED person in all of sports, I am more than happy to see the Rays fail miserably this season.
*What was my World Series pick before the season?  Was it Yankees over Nationals?  I'll stick with that.  The Yankees are dealing with a lot of injuries with their standard class and dignity at the moment but I still like the makeup of the team.  Big Dellin Betances out of the bullpen has been incredible unless you are against 6'8" giants that throw in the upper 90s with an unhittable curve ball.

Plenty of room for some hot takes today.  Just know that the first thing that I plan on doing tomorrow once I enter the friendly confines is to buy and slam an Old Style.  Because Old Style only tastes decent there.  There will be no Steve Goodman played tomorrow night, bruh. I would love to get a pantsless selfie with Clark The Cub, too.  Fuck the Tigers!

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can't wait for Damman and Cakes to show up and tell you it's only May! LOLZ!!!!!!

This Tigers team is really fun as it's really extremely balanced. ELITE starting pitching, a good closer and fine batting. Also not slow anymore (already have one more SB than the team had the entire year last year)....and yes...the division race is OVER. Gonna be a fun summer, but will be anxious to get to the playoffs the whole time.

Prince Fielder does suck...still can't believe the Tigers somehow got out from underneath his fat ass.

--Drew

Larry Ward said...

Cubs suck but at least Castro and Rizzo and some of their other young talent is performing well so I guess there is that.
Also I must say yankees stadium is pretty ELITE.

Larry

GMoney said...

How is it going to be a fun Summer if you aren't playing for anything until October? I mean, think about it, the only things that can happen now are bad things or pointless solo stats that do not matter.

I thought that Castro was garbage. Is he pulling out of his season-plus long funk?

Yankee Stadium is OK. The old place was much better. The new one is too corporate and has no "soul" if that makes sense.

Anonymous said...

It's going to be fun, because it's fun to watch baseball and even more fun when your favorite team is winning the majority of it's baseball games. Not too hard to understand.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

No delusion here, Drooler. Sorry.

The Indians have way too many problems to think they are going to turn it around.

Their defense is historically bad. Every ground ball that is hit, I cringe because you don't know what's coming next. I'm not joking either. Every ground ball I hold my breath because they have been that terrible on defense.

Nick Swisher and Carlos Santana should be co-LVP's as they are both hitting under .200 (Santana WAY below .200) and have a combined 27 RBI or something like that and they are our two big run producers supposedly. Francona FINALLY moved them down in the lineup yesterday after watching them kill rally after rally this year. Too little, too late Tito. Outside of Brantley, Murphy (lol) and Chiz, the entire offense has been dog shit.

The starting pitching has not been great, but it hasn't been the same level of bad as the offense and defense.

I predicted before the season that it would be hard to duplicate last yesr's success (check the archives), but I ddin't think they would be a clown show like they have been.

We need Rachel Phelps to buy the team to have a chance to make a run at a playoff spot.

-Damman

Jeff said...

Mediocre pitching, terrible hitting w runners in scoring postion = Red Sox bad. I will still hang my hat on last year's WS and the fact that no one in the east wants to run away with the division yet.

On a more hilarious side note. Cake's fantasy squad is worse than the windians, if that is possible. You're welcome for the 10-0 beat down I just gave you.

GMoney said...

That is the second time this year that Cakes has been skunked I think.

You and I must be different, Drool, because I can't get involved in things that don't matter. You like watching Ohio Buckeyes play EMU. I don't.

Really looking forward to that big standing ovation for the greatest of all time, Mr. EL CAPITAN, tomorrow night. OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS is it going to be emotional!

Anonymous said...

Yes, I skunked Cakes week 1. He's still only in 8th place surprisingly even though two of his weeks he is a combined 0-19-1.

There are some bad squadrons in this league. Mainly Ide who is in last and that is awesome.

-Damman

Randall Stevens said...

Maybe the Indians should bring in the ELITE Ryan Rayburn to right the ship. LOL.

I think what this Tigers team needs is a Hoyt or two. Maybe bring up Diemer and see what he can do. He can play center field or catcher. Maybe try Sonnenberg at closer just to beef up the late game rotation.

Anonymous said...

Raburn is still on the team. Hitting about .180 with 2 RBI's.

-Damman

Mr. Ace said...

Abreu is the AL ROY. Even though he is a Cubana vet.

It's not August yet.

Anonymous said...

The Cubs WILL win the World Series next year!

Biff Tannen

GMoney said...

It's almost as if Ryan Raburn's 2013 season was a fucking joke! Who saw that coming outside of everyone?

All Hoyt references are celebrated here. Love me some Jason but I've always favored Chad more for obvious reasons. Hoyt This.

GMoney said...

Here's a fun and awful question: If you had to pick one horrendous voice to call your team's games for the rest of eternity, who would it be?

Your choices are John Sterling (who has started singing in the booth this season for some reason) and Suzyn Waldman or Hawk Harrelson?

Both options are better than Tommy "The Turd Sandwich" Hamilton though.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ G$ saying he doesn't get involved in things that don't matter....yet he's a Miami Redhawk football season ticket holder. That's the definition of something that doesn't matter.

I'd takes Cakes tweeting my team's games over those voices.

--Drew

Randall Stevens said...

Can't believe the Indians are that bad with such an ELITE hitter like Rayburn on the team. Right, Cakes?

I think Chad is the more versatile player, G$. If you were going to go out and get yourself a Hoyt, Chad is probably the one you want.

Prime99 said...

The Cubs are floundering (git dem draft piks Theeeo!) but the Blackhawks are distracting me from that mess. Go Hawks!

Glad you get to see Jeter one last time. I hope the Cubs spoil it.

GMoney said...

He's just got the better frame on him. Better LEMPH and STREMPH.

Come on, Drew, that's not even remotely the same. The struggle and grind is what makes being a fan a good thing. While a national championship game is never a possibility, winning the conference (or hell, even winning one fucking game) as well as going to a bowl (MAC has the Bahamas Bowl now!) is why I do what I do.

It's completely different when you have a 300 month season that is already decided after one month and you literally have nothing to play for. Don't be dumb. That's a shitty analogy and you know it. Just admit that you are wasting your time.

GMoney said...

Well, Prime, they should worry more about getting a base hit off of Tanaka that is not a bunt single before concerning themselves with the W.

Speaking of the Cubs, it seems like Jeff Szntgiuanfvbsnfg is going to get traded this Summer. Why? Why wouldn't you want to build around him? Dude is young and has pitched really well. It took him a little while to get that Brady Quinn homo stink off of him but now he is the best 0-4 with a sub 2 ERA pitcher in the game!

Anonymous said...

Holy shit. Cakes hasn't even posted yet and G$ has pretty much locked up tard post of the day. LOLZ at the thought a Miami Redhawk football fan should have more reasons to find enjoyment in a terrible regular season with many losses than a fan of a first place team enjoying a regular season of wins. You are so dumb....fo real.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Due to illness I was unable to see GoT so no Dragons from me today. My apologies. I did hear that Lysa got thrown from the moon door. Awesome.

Oh and go Team Viper!

Ide

GMoney said...

Oh Hi Drew, good to see that they have Wi-Fi at Hope School. My waste of time takes up 3 hours per week (maybe...if I'm lucky the game isn't televised). Yours takes up 3 hours per day. Neither wins titles and won't. That extra time that I don't waste goes straight into the porn budget. Who wins again? I thought so. Now you know how Rando feels every time that he tries to step up to the man.

Good to see that ol' Drool compares his baseball team to an 0-12 college football team though.

Drew = Don't Treadwell

That is the best insult ever handed out here by the way.

Ide thanks for having a tummy ache and not doing the one goddamn job that we give you. Maybe Prime can pick up the slack.

Larry Ward said...

Samardzija is going to be 30 in January so I wouldn't call him young. He wants a bigger contract then the cubs are willing to pay so since his asking price is high why not see what you can get.

If you go to wrigley and don't drink an old style there is something wrong with you so drink one for me.

Larry

Grumpy said...

ARYA!

GMoney said...

30 already, huh? That makes sense then. Get a haircut and get a real job, Jeff.

The human body isn't made to consume multiple Old Styles in one sitting so you're just going to have credit yourself with a few sips from the one and only.

Grumpy comments like Cakes tweets. WOW!

Prime99 said...

GOT was decently slow in my view. The Red Woman at least performed her boring scene naked. That helped.

The main highlights for me were 1) Tyrion's three visitors like he's fucking Scrooge. The ghosts of past, present, and future. OBVS The Red Viper is by far the best of the three to fight the Mountain. The extra rage will make this fight exceptional.

The second was Littlefinger (now Lord of the Eyrie) pushing Crazy Lysa out the moon door was ELITE. Always remember that Peter is 10 steps ahead of most situations. I have to believe it will catch up with him at some point, but he now is a powerful lord with a fortress. Impressive!

Arya's scenes were ok, and the least boring between Jon, Daeny and her, but goddamn, let's get on with some shit. Jon, stop being boring!

Anonymous said...

LOLZ. No comparisons of teams was made....comparison was on regular season meaning. Did u fall down and have your head go boom over the weekend?

It would really suck if your Fall Sundays watched the Redskins go 15-1, right? Awful Fall. LOLZ.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Ughhhhhh, you just don't get it. Look, if you like watching the Tigers stretch their division lead from 40 to 45 games in August then that is great. If the shoe was on the other foot (and it has been because I support a consistent winner and the greatest franchise in the history of all sports), I wouldn't be spending my time on it and instead just bide my time until actual games that matters start in October.

Comparing football and baseball seasons doesn't make any sense though. You know, due to the whole 162 game compared to 13-16 game schedules. Just a reminder that you brought the RedHawks into this...not me.

While you're watching boring ass and pointless Tigers baseball games, I'll be owning life with Big Brother. DEAL WITH IT.

GOT IMO:
*Great, so now Dany is whoring herself out to the help. That's what a good queen does!
*Melisandre is sneaky ELITE. Sure, everything that she says is stupid, but her love of baths is not to be questioned.
*Mountain vs. Red Viper...yes please.
*Bronn made excellent points to Tyrion. Why the fuck should he risk death when he has everything coming up Bronn?
*Baelish is pretty much Rambo on this series now. If he wants you dead, YOU DIE.
*I wish that people would stop telling Sansa that she is beautiful. That really ruins scenes for me.
*LOL Robin...what a little turd burglar

GMoney said...

Also: LOL Hot Pie talkin' gravy!

GMoney said...

Sweet! Sabathia is out until July!

Larry, want to swing a quick deal on Szjkasrhtiasndfv? I'll buy you a sixer of Old Styles for him straight up. Who can pass on a 6 for 1 deal???

Randall Stevens said...

Drew getting a taste of how G$ debates today.

"Blah blah blah, horse shit, diarrhea, anus balls, dick stains. I win again. You all DUM!"

Anonymous said...

Randall....Pistons never should have fired Cheeks. Season is going to be boring as Fuck when SVG has them approaching 70 wins next season. More fun to watch when awful.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

"Arya's scenes were ok"

Are you fucking kidding me? Ok? She took two steps and plunged her sword into that bounty hunter's heart. She's a complete badass.

GMoney said...

You still don't understand what I'm saying. You must have went to the Randall Stevens School of Fucktarded Argument Stylings.

The climb and grind are what make things worth it. It's why being a Jackets fan right now (even though we are historically the worst franchise in all of sports the last decade) is more fun than rooting for the Yankees night in and night out.

If the Pistons win 70 next year or the Skins go 15-1, you better be enjoying that. Why? Because those franchises fucking blow and it would be incredible. The Tigers who play a different game than the rest of their division? Not so much. Dominating in the regular season is an expectation, not a goal.

I've been saying this all day and you couldn't figure out. Hopefully you will now. And this is why I win. Because you need help and take sides with RS. That troglodyte has NEVER won an argument here. If he is on your side, then you need to change sides, bruh.

Randall Stevens said...

This is why you're dumb and lost, G$:

Winning never gets old. Doesn't matter if you're a legit contender every year or a forever bottom feeder every year. Winning is fun no matter who you are and no matter where you are in the season. Like Drew said...watching your team win almost every night is awesome. pretty easy concept to follow.

Randall Stevens said...

Only losers are okay with losing. Like you in this argument.

Prime99 said...

Grump, I've had enough of "Life Lessons on the Road With the Hound." Arya is even more badass later. Call it the downfall of reading the books that my expectations are skewed.

Anonymous said...

Maybe if the Tigers consistently invest this kind of money on their baseball team for the next 50 years, us heee haw Tigers fans would get bored watching the greatest hitter and pitching combo in baseball with a 30 game division lead. But until we are the Yankees of baseball when I'm 70 years old - I don't think we'll understand Gmoneys point.

- j Saul

GMoney said...

There will come a point when AL Central titles don't matter. Apparently, you guys aren't there yet which is funny because that just means that you care about the Indians and take them seriously when we all know that you shouldn't.

Maybe it's just me but I like it when every game matters (and for the Tigers, they don't and you know this). Nothing wrong with that but it's boring.

Again, to reiterate, this isn't an indictment against the Tigers but more against the rest of the Central who give you nothing interesting to watch for four months.

LOL at the Tigers ever being as successful as EL CAPITAN Derek Jeter and the rest of the World's Greatest Franchise.

Anonymous said...

Man, that must have been hell for you back in the day when the Yankees were winning all those games year after year... Pure hell!

I'm so glad the Indians aren't undefeated right now, that would absolutely suck!

-Dave