Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Open Forum: Back Off, I'm On The Road All Day

Anyone who thinks that tubby Kate Upton is superior to the flawless Marisa Miller can get raped by a rhino
By the time that most of you sit down on the toilet to read this, I will (hopefully) already be somewhere in northern Indiana on my way back to Columbus. I can't stress this enough: Indiana is the most boring state ever. Why the stretch of highway from Indy to Chicago is only two lanes will never make a (French) lick of sense to me. Obviously, since I am being an ELITE driver this morning, I won't be able to respond to my numerous haters in the comments and thus must make today a friendly mail-in effort. That is not easy with some of YOU PEOPLE.

Now, I know what you're thinking, why didn't he just trade days with one of the other goobers that work here? Fuck you, bro, when I have an opportunity to work the system to my advantage, I'm going to do it. Don't tell me how to do my job.

Anyway, the one very vague idea that I had for today is to treat this like an AA meeting. But instead of standing up and admitting that you are an alcoholic, be a man and confront a REAL problem. Everyone likes the sweet taste of alcohol but it takes a real man to admit that they don't like ribs or something. That's what we're going for today...personal growth and the opportunity to laugh at everyone and maybe develop a few long term LULZ such as "Ide loves Train" or "FUCK YOU CAKES". I'll go first.

Hi everyone, my name is G$, and I'm a fan of Frank Caliendo. I'm not kidding. I think he's funny and always have. On my old desktop computer, there were a ton of old Caliendo bits on there that I downloaded from LimeWire (LULZ!).  Sure, he got a little overplayed throughout the years and his impressions are much better when heard not seen, but I think that he is rock solid when it comes to his impersonations. Like I said, once they dressed him up and put him on camera...yeeeesh, not good. But when he calls into Mike and Mike or whatever he is still the best. I freely admit to HATING his George W Bush impression but his Gruden is fantastic and more than makes up for it. Madden is kind of pointless in 2014 but evolving with a Mel Kiper and Sir Charles is great.

I don't care what you people think. CALIENDO IS FOREVER MUY CALIENTE!

I'm sure that there is other stuff to talk about. The NBA Lottery was last night and the Cavs left Gilbert's weiner kid at home this year ensuring no luck. UPDATE: I just spent 3 hours in the pouring rain watching a lousy game but the Cavs won the lottery AGAIN!  YAY!  There is actually big time talent this year!  There will be another post down the road with more in DEPF analysis for how to un-fuck the luckiest shit franchise in sports.  But that day is not today.  I might check in later if we stop for lunch in Fuckass, IN or wherever. Behave yourselves, kiddies, and remember that Grandpa Grump is in charge until I get back.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't know why anyone from Columbus would drive to Chicago. I go to Chicago once or twice a year for fun and fly every time. It costs almost the same as the gas that you use and instead of those hours in the car on those shitty roads it only takes 55 minutes. Complete was of time and added frustration.

Embarrassing things to admit? Hmmm....I enjoy chick pop music. Britney Spears, Rihanna, Kesha...you name it....if it's a catchy pop song from a chick...more like than not, I'm going to really enjoy it. I also still enjoy music videos. For those that think that they don't even exist anymore...you are wrong. There are several channels on cable that show only music videos...with the best being MTV Hits.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

The worst state to drive through is Idaho, followed closely by Kansas.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to admit. I saw Caliendo in Vegas and he was grear. Umm...have you ever watched the show on Bravo called Flipping Out? I watch that shit all the time, even without Mrs. Ace. His gayness and inappropriate work behavior are ELITE.

Who are the Cavs going to ruin next?

Grumpy said...

I DVR The Real Housewives Of Orange County. MILFS in short dresses and 5" CFM pumps. That's great tv.

Anonymous said...

I used to watch the original 90210 and I'll watch reruns whenever I catch them on.

Real desperate housewives is just awful. I can careless how attractive those women are. Those women are terrible human beings

Larry

Anonymous said...

Larry, there is no shame in liking the original 90210. It's more embarassing if you don't like it.

I am a huge Frasier fan. I still watch re-runs on the Hallmark channel every night.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

I'm with Drew on that music thing. However, this was way more common when I was riding around in my car and had the radio going. However, I haven't listened to the radio in well over two years, so those days are mostly behind me. I do have a secret spotify playlist though.

I hate Seinfeld. There, I said it. It's not that I hated the writing or the plot, I just REALLY hated the cast. Kramer can get fucked, that mailman is the worst actor ever, and Seinfeld is funnier now in his car show than he was then. Elaine was always ELITE, though.

I also read US weekly at this place I go to lunch. They have them readily available, so I will read it every week when I stop in.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

I've admitted to various embarrassing things already because I'm a man and I can DEAL WITH IT. But I'll recap:

Much like Randall, I like comic books and I don't give a shit what you assholes think.

Similar to Ide...not a Seinfeld fan. I just never got into it and I've gone back to watch episodes since getting called out. They still aren't that funny to me. I really don't see what all the fuss is about. I'm also not a huge Simpsons fan. I'd much rather watch Family Guy or South Park.

There really isn't any food I dislike that's out of the ordinary. Nothing that would stun anyone. I'm a pretty liberal eater. I would say olives, sauerkraut, and onions are about the only things that I absolutely avoid. I'm not like my younger brother who hated and refused to try ranch dressing until he was 18. Or my wife who hates cheese. Outside of my nutcheese of course. BOOM!

Oh. Here's a new one I'm sure I'll get slaughtered for. I don't go to strip clubs and I've only been to 2 in my life. Both in Canada when I was 19 and 23. First one was just to go to see what it was like and the other was for a bachelor party. No offense to those who like to go but it's not for me.

Mr. Ace said...

Good call Ice, Seinfeld and strip clubs are OVERRATED. I don't hate Seinfeld, I still think it's awful, but I hate the fanboys more who talk about specific episodes like they are some masterpiece.

And strip clubs just make me feel dirty. I get no enjoyment out of going there. The way I can possibly imagine going to a strip club and looking forward to it would be if some porn star was going to be there. At least I know they want to be there and aren't some drugged out abused 18 year old...even then that's no guarantee.

Anonymous said...

I enjoy strip clubs...but, only really go for bachelor parties or when in Canada.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I'm with you guys on strip clubs. When I had to go to trade shows, usually about 3 times a year, the other reps always hit the strip clubs, especially in Atlanta. I went to be "one of the guys", but never really saw the purpose.

I hope Damman shows up to set you heretics straight on Seinfeld.

T. Iceman said...

Seinfeld fanboys are some of the worst people alive. They think it's a criminal offense if people don't find it absolutely hilarious.

Prime99 said...

I've been to strip clubs thrice. Once when I was 18 in SF, and then two times to the Wild Orchid in Reno. The SF place was dirty and the girls were gross. The Wild Orchid was fantastic both times. It is still too expensive to make a habit of, but at a good enough joint it can be fun.

I'm not dumb enough to think of this as a nest of trust (like Larry admitting to wearing UGGZ LOL) but I also don't really care what anyone thinks of my likes, hobbies, etc. My life is basically job, family, music, repeat, but I will admit to liking Star Wars, Transformers, and Saved By The Bell more than is normally acceptable. Also, pretty tough to turn off Ace of Base or Color Me Badd if they come on the radio.

Anonymous said...

I will make it a point now to post Seinfeld updates to Iceman's Facebook wall.

I also am not a Simpsons fan. I've watched numerous episodes and don't think I've laughed once.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Drew, you've been quiet on the baseball front the last couple days. Any reason?

-Damman

Grumpy said...

Prime, when you go to Star Wars conventions, as which character do you dress?

Prime99 said...

That's the odd thing, Grump- I've never been to Skywalker Ranch (1.5 hours away) let alone a convention. I recently saw a former coworker of mine dress up as Leia, her infant son was an xwing pilot, and her husband was a red guard of Darth Vadar. I thought it was dumb. I'm in the middle as a fan. Geeky enough for you to make fun of, but not full on nerd.

There has been a suggestion of me being Luke and Zack being Yoda on my back for Halloween, so if it happens, you'll see pics.

T. Iceman said...

You've never been to Skywalker ranch and you only live an hour and a half away? Shame on you.

Damman. Indians. LOL!

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Damman! I could give first place status updates every day here, but I don't want to spam this board.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Hello everyone! In what took barely over 5 hours due to ELITE driving skills, I'm back in Cbus!

I don't know why anyone from Columbus would drive to Chicago. I go to Chicago once or twice a year for fun and fly every time. It costs almost the same as the gas that you use and instead of those hours in the car on those shitty roads it only takes 55 minutes. Complete was of time and added frustration.

SMH...SMH some more. Go back to your Florida Room, dummy.

*Prices aren't very cheap right now
*I am paying for two boarding passes
*I'd bet that when you leave your house for the airport to when you arrive to wherever you're going in Chicago, you save MAYBE an hour tops. Sure, it's an easier trip that requires zero focus, but it ain't that much of a time saver.
*I spent about $100 in gas total. And I like the sport of freeway driving.
*We had to drop to dog off with my parents which is on the way.
*My wife is, you know, inher third trimester and most doctors would probably advise against flying at this stage.
*Who wouldn't want to listen to all of Colin T's HOT TAEKS this morning!

I eagerly await your reply of "Oh, nevermind...you are superior".

If you don't like Seinfeld but do like Curb Your Enthusiasm then you are a clown fraud stack of shit.

GMoney said...

But I will agree that Britney Spears makes ELITE music.

T. Iceman said...

AP's response to McCoy's claim of "best RB in the NFL" was pretty good. Just laughed it off...as he should have.

Grumpy said...

By the time you go through security, your flight is delayed, you wait for baggage in Chicago, you traverse through O'Hare, you could have already been in Chicago and at a lot less cost.

Wait, Oxford is on the way from Cbus to Chicago?

Anonymous said...

"Wait for luggage"? LOLZ! Old man...they have these things called carry on bags nowadays that hold multiple days of clothes.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I like Curb but dislike Seinfeld. Not a huge Curb fan but I enjoyed it when I watched it. So suck it.

So AP argued the point about as well as you did.

Anonymous said...

Only assholes who love punishment fly to O'Hara. That place is the pit of evil. Midway or GTFO. I've been to Chicago around 10 times, flying each time. So I can't attest to the driving, however, taking an early flight (7am-ish), it will take around maybe 3 hours from door to door. Anyone who gets to CMH more than 30 minutes early on a morning flight is a sucker.

I fully expected some more embarrassing stories today. I had that chick pop music locked and loaded until Drew stole my thunder, now it seems we all enjoy it.

Back to making fun of Iceman for believing in ghosts.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

AP didn't take him seriously. Like everyone in America outside of Ape. Even dude's own brother says McCoy isn't the best.

Anonymous said...

French Lick, IN.... Hometown of the greatest basketball player to ever play the game.

Speaking of Star Wars, I admit that I've never actually seen any of the movies from beginning to end. Sure, I've seen some parts from time to time, but never in it's entirety.

...and Frank Caliendo IS funny.

-Dave

GMoney said...

Not a huge Curb fan but I enjoyed it when I watched it.

What does this even mean? Well, good sir, I hate being raped but it's OK when I'm getting sodomized!

I prefer flying as well but it wasn't an option this time. DEAL WITH IT. I also don't care for public transportation and enjoy having my own wheels on the ground. I just wanted to put and end to the notion that it is either a 6 hour trip or an hour because it is not.

Yes, Grump, the 127 exit off of I-70 makes for a great meeting spot. Quit being dumb and decrepit.

Mr. Ace said...

It means I haven't watched every Curb episode and I don't claim it to be the greatest thing ever. But the episodes that I have watched I thought were funny. Fuck.

Shady McCoy is AP'S favorite running back. Just as I am your favorite bloggers favorite blogger.

Anonymous said...

Late post but when I fly to Chicago total travel time from home to KPs apartment is a little over three hours. Compare that to 6 hours. I'll fly every time.

Gmoney if you ever need a dogsitter for when you're on vacation let me know. We always welcome dogs at our place (assuming they have the proper heart and tick vaccine). We're cheap compared to boarding places and the dog has all the freedom in the world. Just an FYI.

Larry

T. Iceman said...

Those vaccines are a waste of money, Larry. Just ask Ace.

My brother tells me you also think Seinfeld sucks the big fat one. Is that true?

Anonymous said...

Loving the late posts. Seinfeld is good & Curb is the same show w/ the occasional swear word so I find it hard to believe the folks that claim to like one & not the other...Unless its based on a very small sample size. I understand that not everyone likes the program & its ridiculous for me or anyone else to tell someone what they should or shouldn't like, but I would say most will like Curb & Seinfeld if given a fair chance.

The Simpsons is the best comedy show of all time IMO, but its not for everyone. The show has been very culturally significant & more celebrity guest stars than every other show in the past 25 years combined. There are a lot of jokes that a non-Simpsons fan just might not understand or will be over their heads.

Damman-I'm guessing you've watched something like 15-20 of the near 600 episodes...Ask Jeff Jess for a list of 5-10 episodes to watch & you just may change your tune for good...

Tents fingers & says excellent

C. Montgomery Burns