You just can't teach intensity like that.
In light of the NFL draft this week, I decided to poach an idea I saw on the Internets a few days ago. Everyone likes to mock draft it up around this time of year and since the draft was pushed back what feels like a million years, we've been forced to digest roughly a billion Todd McGAY mock idiocies. Seriously. McShay is a poop mouthed fart eater that doesn't know shit. The on-screen slap fights with him and Birdman Kiper were cute at first but they can stop any time now.
So since all of these mock drafts are repetitive, idiotic wastes of time...I decided to do my own mock draft. But instead, I'm drafting fictional football players from movies to real NFL teams based on this year's draft position and need. The rules are simple. I'm only doing non playoff teams in this mock. The fictional player has to have appeared in at least one movie. Following along? Real football players playing themselves in movies do not count (Dan Marino in Ace Ventura). Real football players playing a character that goes by a different name DO count (Lawrence Taylor playing Luther Lavay). Anyone in a movie that was based off a true story is automatically eliminated. Rudy falls into that category even though that movie is mostly fiction. And you get the talent and age of that player at the time the movie was released. For example: If a team drafted Joe Cain, they would get 22 year old Joe Cain from the 90's. Not the withered up has been that Joe Cain probably is today. Got it? Good. The Houston Texans are on the clock:
1. Houston Texans select: Frank Cushman - QB (Jerry MaGuire)
When it comes to fictional football players, people often forget that Cush was a can't miss prospect coming out of SMU destined to be the top pick. He's your prototypical pocket passer and plays a mean acoustic guitar. Plus his dad is incredibly racist so he'll fit in immediately with the Texas culture.
2. St. Louis Rams select: Deacon Moss - WR (The Longest Yard 2005)
This is a no brainer. The Rams need a legitimate number one because Tavon Austin isn't that guy. Moss is big, physical, has a toilet mouth and reminds me an awful lot of Michael Irvin. Hopefully Moss isn't serving more than a few months in prison so he can be ready for week 1.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars select: Johnny Utah - QB (Point Break)
I hate the fact that a Fuckeye goes this early but it makes the most sense. Jacksonville desperately needs a franchise QB so they can take the focus off of Toby Gerhart LOLing his way for 2.5 yards a carry every other down. Utah played in (but probably lost) a Rose Bowl at Ohio so he knows how to win.
4. Cleveland Browns select: "Steamin" Willie Beamen - QB (Any Given Sunday)
The Browns OBVZ need a quarterback and lucky for them this draft is loaded with them. But more than a QB they need a playmaker. Beamen is a shit teammate and is all about self promotion but the Browns have to roll the dice and hope he grows up after getting his dick beat in a few times. You can't pass on that kind of AFFLETE at 4.
5. Oakland Raiders select: Shane Falco - QB (The Replacements)
The Raiders have a history of being completely brain dead on draft day. Just add this to the list of bonehead picks as they take a guy nicknamed "Footsteps" with the 5th overall pick in a sad attempt to solve their quarterback issues.
6. Atlanta Falcons select: Bobby Boucher - LB (The Waterboy)
Boucher is easily the most talented and ferocious linebacker in this draft and really fills a big need for the Falcons. He's also the dumbest and relies on pure animal instinct which can cause some issues at times. The Falcons will also be the most hydrated team in the league as long as Boucher is in Atlanta.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers select: Bud Kaminski - OT (The Program)
Kaminski kept Joe Cain upright and clean (minus the alcohol) for most of his college career and is a Joe Thomas franchise-like tackle. He's also an avid shit talker and will bring some much needed edge to this Tampa team.
8. Minnesota Vikings select: Lance Harbor - QB (Varsity Blues)
We shouldn't buy too much into what the doctors said about Harbor's knee injury. Modern medicine can do wonders, plus these are fictional characters so I'm saying Harbor made a full recovery. Lost in the daily fellating of Jon Moxon was that Harbor was a 4 star QB heading to Florida State pre injury. Lance is an accurate gun slinger and the Vikings have been missing that.
9. Buffalo Bills select: Vontae Mack - LB (Draft Day)
This is how you know this is completely fictional. Two Ohio players drafted in the top 10. Mack is loud, strong and hard hitting. He's also a film rat and tireless worker. Good place for a team that needs linebacking help.
10. Detroit Lions select: Torres - SS (The Longest Yard 2005)
He's an angry Mexican that likes to smoke cigs on the field and burn people with them in a pileup. Perfect fit for a Lions team already riddled with players who love to cheap shot. Torres and Suh should become fast friends.
11. Tennessee Titans select: Wendell Brown - RB (Varsity Blues)
Brown's touchdown totals weren't impressive because he played for Donald Sterling-like Bud Kilmer. Now that the Titans have parted with Chris Johnson, Brown should fill the void nicely as a true work horse running back Tennessee needs. Brown also solves Tennessee's gigantic Shonn Greene problem.
12. New York Giants select: Turley - DT (The Longest Yard 2005)
The Giants need some beef in the middle and Turley is a matchup nightmare for any team. He's also been known to stab people and break noses on the field. Very physical. But like Deacon Moss, we're unsure how long his prison term is. Huge upside here but along with a huge risk.
13. St. Louis Rams select: Billy Bob - OG (Varsity Blues)
Billy Bob is a space eater. He's not mobile and can't pull but he's a road grader and can pass protect better than any guard in this draft...unless he has a massive concussion. Then you're QB's ACL will get shredded.
14. Chicago Bears select: Danny Bateman - LB (The Replacements)
The Bears haven't been the same team since Urlacher left town. Bateman gives the Bears that nasty defensive edge we're used to seeing in Chicago. Even though the Bears have other needs, they can't afford to pass on such a
15. Pittsburgh Steelers select: Rod Tidwell - WR (Jerry Maguire)
The Steelers just can't seem to hold onto wide receivers these days. There's no guarantee Markus Wheaton turns into the guy Pittsburgh needs him to be plus Tidwell looks to be the better WR anyway. Tidwell's attitude is shit but it's nothing the Steelers haven't dealt with before.
16. Dallas Cowboys select: Steve Lattimer - DE (The Program)
Losing DeMarcus Ware is devastating so the Cowboys needs someone who can fill that void. Dallas just needs to cross their fingers that Lattimer's roiding days are completely behind him at this point.
17. Baltimore Ravens select: Jumbo Fumiko - OG (The Replacements)
Fumiko can play anywhere on the offensive line and is deceptively quick for being over 300 pounds. Comes from a sumo background and uses that experience to be a savage run blocker.
18. New York Jets select: Charlie Tweeter - WR (Varsity Blues)
The Jets could use another playmaker at WR and Tweeter is just that. There is speculation that the night life of a big market city like New York could consume Tweeter but that's a risk the Jets are going to have to take.
19. Miami Dolphins select: Julian Washington - RB (Any Given Sunday)
Washington is a bell cow back that Miami needs to they can use Moreno as a change of pace guy. Washington has always been a selfish player and that made him slip in this draft. He's a bargain at 19 if you can find a way to get him to buy into the system.
20. Arizona Cardinals select: Ray Jennings - RB (Draft Day)
The Cardinals running back situation is complete ass after Taliban Mendenhall decided to retire. Well, to be fair, it wasn't in great shape prior to that either. Tape on Jennings shows a powerful, fast decisive runner who can make plays. The only downside is he looks a lot like gay wad vegetarian Arian Foster so he probably gets hurt a lot.
There you go, assholes. I feel a lot of these teams will be happy with their fictional football players that don't really exist. It will be interesting to see how their non existent careers turn out. So with any mock draft, let the discussion begin. Any team reach? Were there any snubs? Guys destined to bust? Dare I ask...anyone OVERRATED? All I know is that in real life two Ohio players would never be drafted in the top 10 ever. That's just LOL and insane. Enjoy G$'s REAL mock draft with actual players tomorrow, I'm assuming. I'm sure it will excite your peckers to full mast.