Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Mock Draft: Movie Edition

You just can't teach intensity like that.

In light of the NFL draft this week, I decided to poach an idea I saw on the Internets a few days ago.  Everyone likes to mock draft it up around this time of year and since the draft was pushed back what feels like a million years, we've been forced to digest roughly a billion Todd McGAY mock idiocies.  Seriously.  McShay is a poop mouthed fart eater that doesn't know shit.  The on-screen slap fights with him and Birdman Kiper were cute at first but they can stop any time now.

So since all of these mock drafts are repetitive, idiotic wastes of time...I decided to do my own mock draft.  But instead, I'm drafting fictional football players from movies to real NFL teams based on this year's draft position and need.  The rules are simple.  I'm only doing non playoff teams in this mock.  The fictional player has to have appeared in at least one movie.  Following along?  Real football players playing themselves in movies do not count (Dan Marino in Ace Ventura).  Real football players playing a character that goes by a different name DO count (Lawrence Taylor playing Luther Lavay).  Anyone in a movie that was based off a true story is automatically eliminated.  Rudy falls into that category even though that movie is mostly fiction.  And you get the talent and age of that player at the time the movie was released.  For example: If a team drafted Joe Cain, they would get 22 year old Joe Cain from the 90's.  Not the withered up has been that Joe Cain probably is today.  Got it?  Good.  The Houston Texans are on the clock:

1.  Houston Texans select: Frank Cushman - QB (Jerry MaGuire)
When it comes to fictional football players, people often forget that Cush was a can't miss prospect coming out of SMU destined to be the top pick.  He's your prototypical pocket passer and plays a mean acoustic guitar.  Plus his dad is incredibly racist so he'll fit in immediately with the Texas culture.

2.  St. Louis Rams select: Deacon Moss - WR (The Longest Yard 2005)
This is a no brainer.  The Rams need a legitimate number one because Tavon Austin isn't that guy.  Moss is big, physical, has a toilet mouth and reminds me an awful lot of Michael Irvin.  Hopefully Moss isn't serving more than a few months in prison so he can be ready for week 1.

3.  Jacksonville Jaguars select: Johnny Utah - QB (Point Break)
I hate the fact that a Fuckeye goes this early but it makes the most sense.  Jacksonville desperately needs a franchise QB so they can take the focus off of Toby Gerhart LOLing his way for 2.5 yards a carry every other down.  Utah played in (but probably lost) a Rose Bowl at Ohio so he knows how to win.

4.  Cleveland Browns select: "Steamin" Willie Beamen - QB (Any Given Sunday)
The Browns OBVZ need a quarterback and lucky for them this draft is loaded with them.  But more than a QB they need a playmaker.  Beamen is a shit teammate and is all about self promotion but the Browns have to roll the dice and hope he grows up after getting his dick beat in a few times.  You can't pass on that kind of AFFLETE at 4.

5.  Oakland Raiders select: Shane Falco - QB (The Replacements)
The Raiders have a history of being completely brain dead on draft day.  Just add this to the list of bonehead picks as they take a guy nicknamed "Footsteps" with the 5th overall pick in a sad attempt to solve their quarterback issues.

6.  Atlanta Falcons select: Bobby Boucher - LB (The Waterboy)
Boucher is easily the most talented and ferocious linebacker in this draft and really fills a big need for the Falcons.  He's also the dumbest and relies on pure animal instinct which can cause some issues at times.  The Falcons will also be the most hydrated team in the league as long as Boucher is in Atlanta.

7.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers select: Bud Kaminski - OT (The Program)
Kaminski kept Joe Cain upright and clean (minus the alcohol) for most of his college career and is a Joe Thomas franchise-like tackle.  He's also an avid shit talker and will bring some much needed edge to this Tampa team.

8.  Minnesota Vikings select: Lance Harbor - QB (Varsity Blues)
We shouldn't buy too much into what the doctors said about Harbor's knee injury.  Modern medicine can do wonders, plus these are fictional characters so I'm saying Harbor made a full recovery.  Lost in the daily fellating of Jon Moxon was that Harbor was a 4 star QB heading to Florida State pre injury.  Lance is an accurate gun slinger and the Vikings have been missing that.

9.  Buffalo Bills select: Vontae Mack - LB (Draft Day)
This is how you know this is completely fictional.  Two Ohio players drafted in the top 10.  Mack is loud, strong and hard hitting.  He's also a film rat and tireless worker.  Good place for a team that needs linebacking help.

10.  Detroit Lions select: Torres - SS (The Longest Yard 2005)
He's an angry Mexican that likes to smoke cigs on the field and burn people with them in a pileup.  Perfect fit for a Lions team already riddled with players who love to cheap shot.  Torres and Suh should become fast friends.

11.  Tennessee Titans select: Wendell Brown - RB (Varsity Blues)
Brown's touchdown totals weren't impressive because he played for Donald Sterling-like Bud Kilmer.  Now that the Titans have parted with Chris Johnson, Brown should fill the void nicely as a true work horse running back Tennessee needs.  Brown also solves Tennessee's gigantic Shonn Greene problem.

12.  New York Giants select: Turley - DT (The Longest Yard 2005)
The Giants need some beef in the middle and Turley is a matchup nightmare for any team.  He's also been known to stab people and break noses on the field.  Very physical.  But like Deacon Moss, we're unsure how long his prison term is.  Huge upside here but along with a huge risk.

13.  St. Louis Rams select: Billy Bob - OG (Varsity Blues)
Billy Bob is a space eater.  He's not mobile and can't pull but he's a road grader and can pass protect better than any guard in this draft...unless he has a massive concussion.  Then you're QB's ACL will get shredded.

14.  Chicago Bears select: Danny Bateman - LB (The Replacements)
The Bears haven't been the same team since Urlacher left town.  Bateman gives the Bears that nasty defensive edge we're used to seeing in Chicago.  Even though the Bears have other needs, they can't afford to pass on such a bat shit crazy emotional leader like Bateman.

15.  Pittsburgh Steelers select: Rod Tidwell - WR (Jerry Maguire)
The Steelers just can't seem to hold onto wide receivers these days.  There's no guarantee Markus Wheaton turns into the guy Pittsburgh needs him to be plus Tidwell looks to be the better WR anyway. Tidwell's attitude is shit but it's nothing the Steelers haven't dealt with before.

16.  Dallas Cowboys select: Steve Lattimer - DE (The Program)
Losing DeMarcus Ware is devastating so the Cowboys needs someone who can fill that void.  Dallas just needs to cross their fingers that Lattimer's roiding days are completely behind him at this point.

17.  Baltimore Ravens select: Jumbo Fumiko - OG (The Replacements)
Fumiko can play anywhere on the offensive line and is deceptively quick for being over 300 pounds.  Comes from a sumo background and uses that experience to be a savage run blocker.

18.  New York Jets select: Charlie Tweeter - WR (Varsity Blues)
The Jets could use another playmaker at WR and Tweeter is just that.  There is speculation that the night life of a big market city like New York could consume Tweeter but that's a risk the Jets are going to have to take.

19.  Miami Dolphins select: Julian Washington - RB (Any Given Sunday)
Washington is a bell cow back that Miami needs to they can use Moreno as a change of pace guy.  Washington has always been a selfish player and that made him slip in this draft.  He's a bargain at 19 if you can find a way to get him to buy into the system.

20.  Arizona Cardinals select: Ray Jennings - RB (Draft Day)
The Cardinals running back situation is complete ass after Taliban Mendenhall decided to retire.  Well, to be fair, it wasn't in great shape prior to that either.  Tape on Jennings shows a powerful, fast decisive runner who can make plays.  The only downside is he looks a lot like gay wad vegetarian Arian Foster so he probably gets hurt a lot.

There you go, assholes.  I feel a lot of these teams will be happy with their fictional football players that don't really exist.  It will be interesting to see how their non existent careers turn out.  So with any mock draft, let the discussion begin.  Any team reach?  Were there any snubs?  Guys destined to bust?  Dare I ask...anyone OVERRATED?  All I know is that in real life two Ohio players would never be drafted in the top 10 ever.  That's just LOL and insane.  Enjoy G$'s REAL mock draft with actual players tomorrow, I'm assuming.  I'm sure it will excite your peckers to full mast.


Nibbles said...

Tidwell already was drafted by the Cardinals.

I take it you've never watched Friday Night Lights? Otherwise you'd have Booby Miles as your top RB.

GMoney said...

You know what is ELITE? I have never seen The Replacements, Jerry Maguire, OR Remember The Titans. But I have seen The Comebacks and Division III: Football's Finest and I could not recommend either more.

Titties Miles is an injury concern, bruh.

Just out of principle, some team should skate the rules a bit and draft Al Bundy for his 4 touchdowns in one game. Put him on Tennessee. No one cares about them.

GMoney said...

This is weak now that I've read it. Omar Epps in The Program is an easy top 15 pick and should have been the first RB off the board simply for plowing Halle Berry.

I feel like you put this together on 5-6 movies when you should have had a catalog of at least 12-15.

By the way, did you ever give a review of Draft Day? I can't recall if you did. If you say anything other than "I enjoyed it as a Browns fan but it was terrible" then you're getting demoted under Mr. Ace.

Mr. Ace said...

Solid post idea. I would do one with basketball but it would just be Blue Chips players and the 6th man.

I'm with G$ on this list being weak, doe. No rush ends in the Top 10? FOH!!! Preacher from Friday Night Lights would find his way onto this list.

The biggest fucking unbelievable snub is no Alvin Mack. FUCK you hard for that. No Joe Kane? No Steve Wayman (who I am pretty sure was the QBS from Michigan in The Program)? No Darnell Jefferson? Fuck your list full of Longest Yard rejects.

The Raiders would totes draft Falco.

GMoney said...

How can you take a mock draft like this seriously when it is missing Sinbad from Necessary Roughness! His uniform is made out of windbreaker!

Ape, look deep into the archives as I did a lottery mock draft for the NBA a looooooong time ago. I assume that it is still ELITE.

Jeff said...

You love fictitious sports movies soo much you did a mock draft from them? Sudden change of heart I see.

Uncle Rico from Naptown Dynomite could throw a football over a mountain range. Great measurable right there.

Mr. Ace said...

The Browns would totes draft Radio.

Assuming the running back is able to come back to life, the guy from The Last Boyscout has to be considered because of his dedication.

Randall Stevens said...

I thought to was only fair to use movies I've seen. So that's why you see only 5 or 6 movies up there. Darnell Jefferson is a 2nd or 3rd round guy. He doesn't have very good ball security. Joe Cain is only good when he's hammered and the last I heard he's sober now. So he's off. And even though I let modern medicine heal Lance Harbor, there's nothing anyone can do for Mack. He almost severed his leg for Christ sake.

Wasn't Friday Night Lights based on a true story? Automatically eliminated per the rules.

And I did a post the day after I saw draft day where I said that it was not as good as everyone thought it was going to be. More for browns fans than anyone else.

Randall Stevens said...

And there's 9 movies used for 20 picks. That's better than the 5-6 you dolts were wrong about. That's what I get for listening to you dummies.

GMoney said...

People thought that Draft Day was going to be good? Outside of PFTCommenter and moron Browns fans, I disagree with that statement.

LOL at the Browns drafting Radio. I actually went to the theater to watch that piece of shit. Funniest movie I've ever seen.

GMoney said...

Your grade on Darnell Jefferson is embarrassing. Again...PLOWED HALLE BERRY!

Prime99 said...

Bro, modern medicine ain't healing Lance Harbor's face getting melted off in a fiery car crash.

Kathy Ireland would've been a solid pick even though she's a kicker. At least she's a better kicker than the Brit from the Replacements. No mob ties.

Mike Golic from Saved By The Bell: The College Years is a YUUUGE sleeper. Based on reality? Hardly- that shit was fiction as fuck!

Randall Stevens said...

I wasn't award they turned Saved By The Bell: The College Years into a feature LEMPH film, Prime. Oversight on my part!!

Draft Day is a movie about how shitty the Browns are but more importantly it's about football. I thought people were more excited but the box office numbers said differently. Pretty low opening weekend. Yet IMDB users rate it a 7 out of 10 so that's completely contradictory.

Darnell Jefferson can plow Halle Berry all he wants but I don't think a team wants a guy constantly trying to bang his teammate's snizz.

Anonymous said...

I don't think a team wants a guy constantly trying to bang his teammate's snizz.

I beg to differ.

--Jason Richardson

Mr. Ace said...

Gridiron Gang had to have some players at the next level. That big Somoan is obvs the next Haloti Ngata.

Speaking of horrible movies, I watched Gravity on Friday night and it was excruciatingly awful. How the fuck did this movie get so much acclaim? Like, if I think about myself being in that situation then it is scary as fuck. But the movie never made me feel that way. So disappointing.

Anonymous said...


-- Tony Parker

Jeff said...

Never saw Gravity, but I'm guessing you needed to watch it in an IMAX theater to get the full effect.

GMoney said...

FYI don't forget to get out and vote for Li'l Strut's opponent today! Let's keep all Ohio Buckeyes out of office! They clearly make poor decisions.

Honestly, I don't think that any of us could vote for or against him anyway.

Randall Stevens said...

Not sure what part of "Anyone in a movie that was based off a true story is automatically eliminated." is so hard to grasp but apparently it is. Gridiron Gang. True story.

Gravity wasn't terrible. I thought they did the best they could considering the back drop was a bazillion miles of space and there were only like 4 characters. Agree with Jeff though. I'm sure a lot of the effect came from a huge, dark theatre.

GMoney said...

This mock draft for tomorrow is really coming together nicely. I can't wait to be the best GM that the Browns have ever had (again). The only thing left to do is figure out a way to get no Ohio Buckeyes in the first round since they don't belong there and to convince myself that the MAC will go #1 for the second straight year because we are better than the SEC AKA MAC South.

Prime99 said...

Mike Golic made an appearance in the SBTB Vegas Wedding. Don't you dare not call that a feature film!

Mr. Ace said...


GMoney said...

What did people think about 24 and/or Louie last night?

24 was OK. Goth Chloe brings the LULZ hard. Christ, we is she wearing Sensational Sherri's makeup? I just love how there are no rules in 24-land and everyone sucks at communicating.

Seinfeld was great on Louie as was the underrated Todd Barry telling Louie to abandon his kids so he could sleep in.

Mr. Ace said...

Obvs they sucked.

I liked Louie when I first started watching it, but Mrs. Ace wasn't a fan of the dark humor so I have watched it less and less. I do like that and Wilfred on FX tho.

GMoney said...

Just realized that Rando Calrissian sent a Steamer to Cleveland. It was probably done sub-consciously while he was getting his chest pooped on by gay men.

Randall Stevens said...

Steamin Beamen is the black Johnny Manziel.

I can't wait to see what turd you send to Cleveland on purpose tomorrow. Should be some decent humor.

But seriously...I'll be pretty steamed if Watkins is there at 4 and the Browns don't take him.

Prime99 said...

There is a decent Twitter battle about whether Mark Jackson just got fired. @LOLKNBRCallers to check out the coin flip.

Prime99 said...

Wrong Twitter link... Just follow me instead.

GMoney said...

I'll give you a hint: Sammy Watkins isn't going to Cleveland (much like he won't be on Thursday).

I will never follow you.

Randall Stevens said...

You should follow Walt Behrman. Top 10 Twitter follows.

Prime99 said...

#waltbehrman knows his BEEFS.

GMoney said...

I'll check in later to make sure I get that Rando apology for doubting my "Mark Jackson is going to get fired and deservedly so" take.

Randall Stevens said...

I didn't doubt he would get fired. I said it was dumb as shit if he did get fired.