Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Hey! Come Buy My Trash!


"Hey Iceman.  I have a 30 dollar bill burning a hold in my pocket."



Moving sucks cock.  Hairy cock.  About the only thing worse than moving is setting up and executing a garage sale for all the shit you no longer need/no longer forced to keep.  Like Wheelz never ending stuffed animal collection.  Fuckin, A man.  Sometimes I question how old she is.  But I will say it feels pretty awesome purging the home of all the stupid garbage people have gifted over the years.  There's nothing worse than someone who sucks pig balls at gifting.  It's not that hard!  Just pay attention, idiot.  When have I ever had a passionate conversation with you about candles?  Never.  So don't buy me one, asshole.

One positive, and something that absolutely rules, is opening the sale early to friends and family and the person who originally gave the shitty gift finds it in the Curtis Jackson 50 cent pile.  Whatever.  It's not my fault you are a terrible gift giver.  Step up your fuckin game and maybe I'll keep your shit next time.  And no...I don't feel bad I'm selling the present you gave me for pennies because I give awesome gifts and you bought me an $8 toaster in return.  Eat a fart.

Another thing I love about garage sales is digging through boxes and finding nostalgia from Wheelz' youth that I was never meant to see.  Like her "Cuss Book" from when she was 13 years old.  Yes I read every page and yes it was the most hilarious fucking thing ever.  Great ammo to have for later on.  Cuss Book.  The name still slays me.

Anyway, that's what I'll be doing today.  Selling the shit I'm too good for to all of the mongoloids in the greater Toledo area.  Should be some mighty fine people watching today.  And for those who care (Grumpy), after roughly 4 long years...the attic finally got organized.  Because I gutted it and I'm in the process of selling all the worthless trash up there that never needed to be organized in the first place.  Finally, some thoughts from last night's game:

I had a chance to catch Stephen A. SMIFF'S rant about being called an "Uncle Tom" during a commercial break.  Here it is and I highly suggest watching it if you have not already.  It really is tremendous.


Rarely do I agree with the nonsense SMIFF spews but this time he nailed it.  I don't think I've nodded that many times during a 7 minute video in my life.  From behind it probably looked like I was trying to suck my own dick.  The best part is when he undresses the loser fuck thugs who start every sentence with "Know wat I'm sayyyin?'.  Golden.

-I think George Hill and Mario Chalmers are having a contest to see who can complain the most about not getting the calls superstar players are used to getting.  I'm pretty sure Hill has the slight lead.

-David West has never committed a foul in his life.  Did you guys know that?  I'm surprised he doesn't lose his voice every night with all the bitching he does.

-Ace needs to re-do his playoff rankings and take Hibbert completely out of it.  Dude is fucking worthless out there.  He got punked by a center who isn't a center and by a guy who probably goes about 6'8" realistically.  Dare I say...OVERRATED??

-Lance Stephenson just continues to LOL the shit out of me.  CLEARLY you're in LeBron James' head, dick wad.  Oh yeah...and way to smack talk Lebron and back it up with a 9 point masterpiece last night, turd.  Which insane Stevenson rivalry vs. LeBron is more LOL?  Lance or DeShawn?  They are both equally sad and hilarious, IMO.

-I guess we can also talk about Willis Reed Serge Ibaka's miraculous return and how it will spearhead the Thunder into making my prediction of OKC in 6 come true.  I'm sure Ace will puff up in the comments and pretend to not be scared.  But we all know the truth.  In all honestly I really don't get it.  I don't understand how you go from, HE GONE for the entire playoffs to playing starters minutes in game 3.  Just bizarre.

I hope everyone enjoyed their National BBQ Day events yesterday.  I spent it setting up a garage sale, sweating and smelling like a mule barn by the end of the day.  Honestly...people need to fucking get over themselves with those Memorial Day Facebook posters.  We all understand what Memorial Day is about and I certainly don't need a lecture from some dickless twat who thinks it's patriotic to wear American Flag pants.  Fuck off.  End of rant.

34 comments:

GMoney said...

LOL we all knew that eventually you would clean that attic. This whole "move to Florida" thing was just a long con for you to get up there and do what you were born to do, bruh.

I can happily say that I did not watch one second of last night's game but I did see Sir Lance-A-Lot admit afterwards that he tried to get in Bron's head and failed miserably. I nearly shit myself from LULZ.

Or how about Paul George claiming to have outplayed Miami even though they never once lead! Indiana might be the dumbest team ever assembled. Even dumber than Blue Chips and those kids probably couldn't even read.

Brando is going to find some gems in your trash today and then rub it in Hester's face.

T. Iceman said...

Hester is no longer a cast member. Get current, bruh.

The Pacers are about to get ousted in the playoffs by the Heat for the third straight year. That's Buffalo Bills 0-4 Super Bowl impressive!!

I'm not saying that I'm glad the attic has been cleaned...but I am saying my life is better now that I've read the Cuss Book.

Jeff said...

How are there not excerpts from this "Cuss Book"? I assume you're dedicating a whole post to it.

Jackets trade with Kings, Kings win Cup. Glad the Jackets are part of the Championship formula.

GMoney said...

I'm well aware of Hester's absence but that guy is a shit so all great buys need to be rubbed in his face!

Screamin' A Smiff is many things (almost all of them terrible) but an Uncle Tom is not one of them.

Speaking of great racism, I re-watched Django Unchained over the weekend and really enjoyed the hell out of Sam Jackson's character and his dedication to the Candie family.

Dr. Schultz: I'm seeking a Black Hercules.
Sam Jackson: More like N*****cles!

LOLZ for days.

GMoney said...

Jeff, I would much rather see Carter win #2 than Nash/Brassard/Arniel win anything. Basically, I just want the Rangers to finally face a healthy goalie that doesn't blow huge dicks.

Prime99 said...

I've seen the Hawks go down 3-1 as recently as last year (remember that, Drool?!) However, the Kings do appear fairly unstoppable. No matter what happens, I totally hate the Kings now.

I'll be unfortunately distracted today as my wife's car blew up (not joking) so we are trying to figure out our car replacement strategy.

GMoney said...

You can't just say "my wife's car blew up" and then leave us hanging. We need the DEETS!

Grumpy said...

Don't wear your hoodie in Florida. #Standyourground

Didn't she see you had never cleaned the attic when it was time to bring stuff down?

All in with the Kings and Alec Martinez.

Prime99 said...

For my Facebook friends, check out the picture I shared that shows the fiery mess. There aren't details yet besides the fact that she drove to our friends' house to visit their new twin boys. 30 minutes later, her car was on fire. The fire department put it out and towed it away. We do not know the cause just yet.

GMoney said...

I mean, was she driving it while it exploded like Kane lighting the ringposts on fire? If the car was off, WTF happened? Can we just say "LOLZ women drivers" and be done with it? Does your insurance company even cover women drivers? Was Running Zack in the car when it blew up? Was this the work of Russian Cat Killer (ELITE character from comments past)? Where was DeMarcus?

So many questions.

Prime99 said...

The car was parked and off. No fucking clue what happened. Luckily, Zack wasn't with her and she was not in it. It did burn our friends' yard, though, so nothing like property damage between friends, AMIRITE?!

T. Iceman said...

Sounds like Russian Cat Killer to me.

I take it all back about garage sales. ELITE. In only an hour we've raked in $300. Fuck the world!

GMoney said...

Oh come on now...garage sales are not ELITE. Even you and Rich Gannon can agree on that. Sure, you are making some money but there are also ample amounts of Goosetown residents and Steelers fans on your property and pawing through your trash. Not ELITE.

T. Iceman said...

If we opened it up to Goosetowners the garage would be gutted in 17 minutes. Like a trashball tornado. Trashnado.

Anonymous said...

Ice, did you enjoy the pics from Johnny F's weekend in Vegas? Don't worry, he brought his playbook to study on the plane.

-Damman

T. Iceman said...

I can't wait...I CANT FUCKING WAIT...until Johnny Shitlips looks lost out there when he finally plays. Bet you won't be making excuses for all these party vacations then, Damman.

Just so I can be clear, I'll repeat myself. If that's who you are then fine. Be that guy. Be the party dude that smashes Vegas every weekend. The guy who is tit deep in jersey chasers down in Miami beach. The guy who sits court side with porn stars. But if that's who you are then do not fucking lie about who you are to NFL teams asking if that life is behind you. Own up to the person you've chosen to become and face the life that comes along with it like a man. Because right now Johnny Dicknose just looks like a big fat fucking liar to me. And that's TOTES a guy the Browns need quarterbacking that team. Right??

Anonymous said...

Why would you not have the garage sale over the weekend or yesterday....ya know when people aren't working.

Prime tried to kill his wife and it didn't work.....LOLZ.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Bro was in Vegas for a UFC fight and ran into Gronk at the pool. I don't see what the big deal is.

Well, actually, I do see the problem. I wouldn't want my QB to be a fan of UFC.

The one thing that we're all getting robbed of is Bernie Kosar being a drunk and commenting on Johnny's preseason play. That is going to hurt.

GMoney said...

Drew, that is an ELITE point and you should be a cop. American Wife Killer you are not, Prime.

Anonymous said...

Wait a second.,..Iceman is pissed that Manziel partied in Vegas over the holiday weekend? LOLZ! That's definitely a take that Skip Bayless would be proud of.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

More annoyed than pissed, Drew. Mangina keeps telling people he's not about this lifestyle and he's here to win...yet it seems like every weekend there's a story about Johnny Partyboy. Which one is it??

Having a garage sale over a Holiday weekend is a good way to make zero money, Drew. Everyone is off at a lake or on vacation. The sale goes until this Sunday so we're good. We have a ton of horrible gifts because we're friends with a lot of shitty people so we had to make it all week.

GMoney said...

Are you selling an alibi for Prime? Because it sounds like he could use one.

T. Iceman said...

Am I gonna see a Discovery ID special about a West Coast man who attempted to murder his wife in the next 2 years??

You want an alibi? I can get you an alibi. Believe me. There are ways dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. Hell, I can get you an alibi by 3 o'clock this afternoon...with nail polish.

Anonymous said...

Thats what ShePrime gets for not driving an electric car or whatever it is you west coasters pride yourself on driving these days.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I didn't attempt to murder my wife. You guys suck, I'm going to write in my Cuss Book about you.

Mr. Ace said...

FUCKING FIELD DAY!!!! Black kids love them some field day.

GMoney said...

I bet that you're watching some serious COP SPEED today.

T. Iceman said...

We've made $800 in a day in a half. So much for having a garage sale on the weekend. LOL!

T. Iceman said...

I bet Prime's Cuss Book has 90's alt rock lyrics in it.

Anonymous said...

JF went to a pool party on Memorial Day weekend...what an asshole!

I don't think he ever had to apologize for anything he did during college. He liked to party in college? The nerve of this guy! I never thought he did anything out of line...ever. Never got what the uproar was about his off field behavior. He never missed a game, his teammates liked him, and he played his ass off.

-Damman

T. Iceman said...

He also said his partying/celebrity days are behind him and that's not who he is. CLEARLY!! LOL!!

Prime99 said...

What else can I say? All you guys are gay.

Prime99 said...

If JF respected MEMORIAL DAY for its true meaning, he would celebrate Pat Tillman instead Vegas titties.

GMoney said...

He would eat lead and buckshot and NOT hot dogs and steaks, bruh.