|Hey Skins Bro, you hear about Josh Gordon?|
You would think that I would be bragging about this but I'm not. This blows. This is just plain shitty. I have no problem with the Browns. I really don't. It may not always seem like it but I don't want them to be so completely irrelevant that they don't even get their highlights shown on SportsCenter after week 6. They fixed all of that on Thursday by drafting the most polarizing and TRANSCENDENT player in the draft: Mr. John Football. Excitement was at an all-time high! Season ticket orders were going like hot cakes! A city's pride and interest was reborn! And then Gordon fucked it all up in less than 24 hours. So now Manziel has no one to throw the ball to who is worth a shit. He will probably struggle as a rookie. The fans will turn on him even though it isn't his fault. And the cycle of shit will continue. The Browns had a chance to turn it all around and start something fun and exciting...and by the time that round 2 started on Friday it was pretty much all over. Thanks for minimizing the awesomeness of Johnny Football, Josh Gordon. You're a dick.
I don't really believe in giving out grades or naming winners and losers from the draft weekend because everyone has a different big board and differing styles so it's hard to say that someone sucked or excelled. But I can give my initial thoughts on how all of our teams did! I am more than qualified for that. How about a few non-our teams first that stood out to me during 2014's record-setting and monumental NFL Draft?
San Francisco: Jee. Sus. Christ. These guys are so annoying. The Niners never have any goddamn holes to fill on the roster so they just load up on ELITE players like Jimmie Ward, Hyde, Borland, Bruce Ellington, and about ten other guys that will only make them better. They may not have a Super Bowl yet, but this is the best organization in football right now. And they added Stevie Johnson for nothing. FUCK! It shouldn't be this easy!
Tennessee: WTF? I don't understand the Taylor Lewan pick at all. They have Michael Roos and Michael Oher at OT and Chance Warmack and Levtire at OG. Where is Lewan going to play? This made no sense to me. Taking Sankey as the #1 RB also seemed like a stretch. It's no wonder that no one pays attention to the Titans.
Jacksonville: You're goddamn right! THIS is how you build a team. You get your franchise QB and I like Bort here. Twitter seemed to hate the pick but I don't. Once you get your laser rocket arm, you give him weapons. Marqise Lee and Allen Robinson are pretty ELITE weapons to give the guy (along with Shorts and Ace Sanders but not Shoelace). Maybe now the Jags can stop bailing Justin Blackmon out of jail and move on. I LOVE what the Jags are doing.
St. Louis: FABULOUS! Yeah, they drafted the gay guy and all that but they took that RG3 package and really added some studs. They have the best front four in the league. In FACT, the best four defenses in football could be all in the NFC West. Hell, the Niners probably have the WORST defense between the four! That division would be SO GOOD if Sam Bradford and Carson Palmer weren't wasting space and time there.
Hook 'Em: LOL! There were more gay guys drafted this year than Texas Longhorns. No offense. Now how about our teams in no particular order although we will start with the best team.
Washington: Whatevs. Before round two started, Trent Dilfer said that the Skins have a lot of sizzle but not a lot of steak. In normal person speak, we needed to get bigger on the lines and he is right. We did. We got a guy from STANFORD FOOTBALL with our first pick so you know that he's great. Nothing sexy for the Skins but apparently some players that can help. Morgan Moses HAS to work out as the RT. Not a big fan of trading with Dallas though.
Philadelphia: Duck You! Marcus Smith was a surprise pick but apparently a really good player so we'll just laugh at Chip for not only putting on 50 pounds of pure hog fat this offseason but also only scouting his old Oregon players. I told you that this team was a fluke. Their coach is already in re-runs.
Buffalo: Risky business! Sammy Watkins better be a home run pick and Kouandjio's knees better hold up otherwise this is going to be a really sore memory for Bills fans. I think that Watkins is going to be terrific though. It's a steep price but if you think that you got the next Megatron or LarryFitz then you make that trade all day. Now he just has to be the next Megatron or Fitzgerald.
Chicago: We tried! I did not care for the Bears haul. Fuller is a good player but the rest of the guys seem average at best. I'm sorry, Prime, but you know that I'm as honest as I am handsome and bootylicious. This was not impressive to this NFL expert. Not a lot of factorbacks IMO.
Detroit: Needs are for pussies! We talked on Friday about how the Lions have had a doo doo secondary forever and of course they ignored that glaring red flag to draft a TE and then an OLB in the first two rounds. Now Ebron is getting some Jimmy Graham comps and Van Noy is a really good player, but still, those holes are just getting bigger. Let's also not forget that Jim Caldwell is the new coach and he is a turd. They got some good players that will help but they're going to help areas that don't really need help. And so help me God if Ebron takes time away from my boy Joseph Fauria, I'll choke him out.
Atlanta: Cromulent! They did what they needed to do: beefed up both lines (and pass rush). I do want to compliment them on drafting that Shembo kid from ND. You may know him as the guy who sexually assaulted Lizzie Seeburg at ND, did not get in ANY trouble for it, and then she committed suicide. Play like a champion today.
Cincinnati: Meh! Dennard was a good pick and the Bengals have a knack for quality players at positions of need falling into their laps and this is no exception. I didn't care for them taking Jeremy Hill and his ELITE rape skills over Hyde. Bernard and Hyde would have been incredible. Now they have Hill and Pacman having weekly contests for who can do the most damage in Covington. AJ McCarron...LOL! Way to make Andy Dalton sweat!
Pittsburgh: Wow! I have the Niners, Jags, and Rams in that order as the three best drafts but the Steelers are easily #4. Honestly, I like Shazier less than their picks in round 2 through 5 (he will be fine though)! Tuitt will be a force immediately. Any decent OC (Todd Haley is not one) will figure out how to unleash Dri Archer. We all know what Martavis Bryant can do. This was a wonderful draft by horrible people. Dammit! Let's just hope that Haley fucks it up and LeBeau finally gets too senile and has to retire. And that brings us to...
Cleveland: Fuck if I know how to judge this weekend! Here's the thing: they drafted A LOT of good players. Gilbert and Manziel were good picks. I absolutely love Joel Bitonio. The West kid and the Desir bro are both really nice players with chips on their shoulders. But I can't give them a home run grade and you all know why. They KNEW two weeks before Gordon got suspended that this was coming and did nothing. They could have taken Sammy. They traded down (which is fine). They could have jumped up to 6 and taken Evans. They stayed. They took a CB instead of Odell Beckham at 8. They passed on the three best receivers KNOWING that their best healthy receiver right now is Greg Little. This is BAD. Yes, Ray Farmer is bringing in some really nice but raw talent. But he also set up his franchise QB to FAIL. That's right. Manziel has been set up to FAIL. And I can't approve of that. So the best grade that I can give the Browns is Jim Carrey's Riddler suit from Batman Forever with all of the question marks on it. Jacksonville went out of their way to give their QB weapons to grow with. Cleveland did the exact opposite. We'll see whose way works better.
As for me, I made it into the sixth round before I had to walk away. I was at my draft fill. It was too much. I will say that the Fri/Sat ESPN team of Wingo, Dilfer, McShay, and Mel was terrific. That was great analysis by those guys. Damn, this was a long post. I guess the only thing left to do is give Uncle T a big smooch on the lips and call it a day. Until next year when I'll be back in the first round, NFL Draft!!!