Monday, May 12, 2014

G$'s Review of the Gayest Draft in NFL History

Hey Skins Bro, you hear about Josh Gordon?
We'll get to Michael Sam getting drafted and then shocking conservative Christians everywhere with his interracial homo lip lock later (probably not), but first we need to talk about the other gigantic story from over the weekend: Josh Gordon.  You know, a few months ago, things got heated here when I said that Gordon was not a top 5 wide receiver in the NFL.  I based it solely on him not being trustworthy and accountable.  Names were called.  TAEKS were had.  Hell, that might have been the day that Seal quit actually.  It turns out that Gordon did not want to wait to prove me right and just got it over with.  He will be suspended for all of 2014 very soon because he is an awful teammate that prefers sizzurp and pot over being potentially the best receiver in the game.

You would think that I would be bragging about this but I'm not.  This blows.  This is just plain shitty.  I have no problem with the Browns.  I really don't.  It may not always seem like it but I don't want them to be so completely irrelevant that they don't even get their highlights shown on SportsCenter after week 6.  They fixed all of that on Thursday by drafting the most polarizing and TRANSCENDENT player in the draft: Mr. John Football.  Excitement was at an all-time high!  Season ticket orders were going like hot cakes!  A city's pride and interest was reborn!  And then Gordon fucked it all up in less than 24 hours.  So now Manziel has no one to throw the ball to who is worth a shit.  He will probably struggle as a rookie.  The fans will turn on him even though it isn't his fault.  And the cycle of shit will continue.  The Browns had a chance to turn it all around and start something fun and exciting...and by the time that round 2 started on Friday it was pretty much all over.  Thanks for minimizing the awesomeness of Johnny Football, Josh Gordon. You're a dick.

I don't really believe in giving out grades or naming winners and losers from the draft weekend because everyone has a different big board and differing styles so it's hard to say that someone sucked or excelled.  But I can give my initial thoughts on how all of our teams did!  I am more than qualified for that.  How about a few non-our teams first that stood out to me during 2014's record-setting and monumental NFL Draft?

San Francisco:  Jee.  Sus.  Christ.  These guys are so annoying.  The Niners never have any goddamn holes to fill on the roster so they just load up on ELITE players like Jimmie Ward, Hyde, Borland, Bruce Ellington, and about ten other guys that will only make them better.  They may not have a Super Bowl yet, but this is the best organization in football right now.  And they added Stevie Johnson for nothing.  FUCK!  It shouldn't be this easy!

Tennessee: WTF?  I don't understand the Taylor Lewan pick at all.  They have Michael Roos and Michael Oher at OT and Chance Warmack and Levtire at OG.  Where is Lewan going to play?   This made no sense to me.  Taking Sankey as the #1 RB also seemed like a stretch.  It's no wonder that no one pays attention to the Titans.

Jacksonville: You're goddamn right!  THIS is how you build a team.  You get your franchise QB and I like Bort here.  Twitter seemed to hate the pick but I don't.  Once you get your laser rocket arm, you give him weapons.  Marqise Lee and Allen Robinson are pretty ELITE weapons to give the guy (along with Shorts and Ace Sanders but not Shoelace).  Maybe now the Jags can stop bailing Justin Blackmon out of jail and move on.  I LOVE what the Jags are doing.

St. Louis: FABULOUS! Yeah, they drafted the gay guy and all that but they took that RG3 package and really added some studs.  They have the best front four in the league.  In FACT, the best four defenses in football could be all in the NFC West.  Hell, the Niners probably have the WORST defense between the four!  That division would be SO GOOD if Sam Bradford and Carson Palmer weren't wasting space and time there.

Hook 'Em: LOL! There were more gay guys drafted this year than Texas Longhorns.  No offense.  Now how about our teams in no particular order although we will start with the best team.

Washington: Whatevs.  Before round two started, Trent Dilfer said that the Skins have a lot of sizzle but not a lot of steak.  In normal person speak, we needed to get bigger on the lines and he is right.  We did.  We got a guy from STANFORD FOOTBALL with our first pick so you know that he's great.  Nothing sexy for the Skins but apparently some players that can help.  Morgan Moses HAS to work out as the RT.  Not a big fan of trading with Dallas though.

Philadelphia: Duck You!  Marcus Smith was a surprise pick but apparently a really good player so we'll just laugh at Chip for not only putting on 50 pounds of pure hog fat this offseason but also only scouting his old Oregon players.  I told you that this team was a fluke.  Their coach is already in re-runs.

Buffalo: Risky business!  Sammy Watkins better be a home run pick and Kouandjio's knees better hold up otherwise this is going to be a really sore memory for Bills fans.  I think that Watkins is going to be terrific though.  It's a steep price but if you think that you got the next Megatron or LarryFitz then you make that trade all day.  Now he just has to be the next Megatron or Fitzgerald.

Chicago: We tried!  I did not care for the Bears haul.  Fuller is a good player but the rest of the guys seem average at best.  I'm sorry, Prime, but you know that I'm as honest as I am handsome and bootylicious.  This was not impressive to this NFL expert.  Not a lot of factorbacks IMO.

Detroit: Needs are for pussies!  We talked on Friday about how the Lions have had a doo doo secondary forever and of course they ignored that glaring red flag to draft a TE and then an OLB in the first two rounds.  Now Ebron is getting some Jimmy Graham comps and Van Noy is a really good player, but still, those holes are just getting bigger.  Let's also not forget that Jim Caldwell is the new coach and he is a turd.  They got some good players that will help but they're going to help areas that don't really need help.  And so help me God if Ebron takes time away from my boy Joseph Fauria, I'll choke him out.

Atlanta: Cromulent!  They did what they needed to do: beefed up both lines (and pass rush).  I do want to compliment them on drafting that Shembo kid from ND.  You may know him as the guy who sexually assaulted Lizzie Seeburg at ND, did not get in ANY trouble for it, and then she committed suicide.  Play like a champion today.

Cincinnati: Meh! Dennard was a good pick and the Bengals have a knack for quality players at positions of need falling into their laps and this is no exception.  I didn't care for them taking Jeremy Hill and his ELITE rape skills over Hyde.  Bernard and Hyde would have been incredible.  Now they have Hill and Pacman having weekly contests for who can do the most damage in Covington.  AJ McCarron...LOL!  Way to make Andy Dalton sweat!

Pittsburgh: Wow!  I have the Niners, Jags, and Rams in that order as the three best drafts but the Steelers are easily #4.  Honestly, I like Shazier less than their picks in round 2 through 5 (he will be fine though)!  Tuitt will be a force immediately.  Any decent OC (Todd Haley is not one) will figure out how to unleash Dri Archer.  We all know what Martavis Bryant can do.  This was a wonderful draft by horrible people.  Dammit!  Let's just hope that Haley fucks it up and LeBeau finally gets too senile and has to retire.  And that brings us to...

Cleveland: Fuck if I know how to judge this weekend!  Here's the thing: they drafted A LOT of good players.  Gilbert and Manziel were good picks.  I absolutely love Joel Bitonio.  The West kid and the Desir bro are both really nice players with chips on their shoulders.  But I can't give them a home run grade and you all know why.  They KNEW two weeks before Gordon got suspended that this was coming and did nothing.  They could have taken Sammy.  They traded down (which is fine).  They could have jumped up to 6 and taken Evans.  They stayed.  They took a CB instead of Odell Beckham at 8.  They passed on the three best receivers KNOWING that their best healthy receiver right now is Greg Little.  This is BAD.  Yes, Ray Farmer is bringing in some really nice but raw talent.  But he also set up his franchise QB to FAIL.  That's right.  Manziel has been set up to FAIL.  And I can't approve of that.  So the best grade that I can give the Browns is Jim Carrey's Riddler suit from Batman Forever with all of the question marks on it.  Jacksonville went out of their way to give their QB weapons to grow with.  Cleveland did the exact opposite.  We'll see whose way works better.

As for me, I made it into the sixth round before I had to walk away.  I was at my draft fill.  It was too much.  I will say that the Fri/Sat ESPN team of Wingo, Dilfer, McShay, and Mel was terrific.  That was great analysis by those guys.  Damn, this was a long post.  I guess the only thing left to do is give Uncle T a big smooch on the lips and call it a day.  Until next year when I'll be back in the first round, NFL Draft!!!


Anonymous said...

Stern...but, fair.

LOLZ @ Josh Gordon.


Grumpy said...

Damage is done in Newport, not Covington.

Dri Archer will tilt the field and relieve AB of return duties.

Only Cakes is faster than Archer..

GMoney said...

Shit you're right...the Bengals destroy Newport on the Levee. Damn me!

I mean, come on, read this beauty and explain to me why I'm not covering the draft for Hustler or Brazzers or whoever. I AM AN EXPERT! I may not grind tape but I excel at hot taeks!

Randall Stevens said...

"They KNEW two weeks before Gordon got suspended that this was coming and did nothing."

According to league rule they couldn't do anything. Apparently when a player is facing a year long suspension, the owner and high level executives are told but prohibited from telling the staff. So the first the public heard of Gordon's suspension was the first time the guys drafting players for the team heard. That doesn't excuse them from passing on WRs left and right in rounds 2-7...but it gives them a pass for their day 1 decisions.

GMoney said...

Wait--what? They knew for two weeks that the guy failed his drug test and this prevented them from taking Sammy Watkins? Farmer makes the picks, not Pettine so if he isn't "allowed" to tell him (yeah right) that shouldn't prevent him from ignoring the biggest hole on the roster.

My point is that people knew and even if they weren't allowed to tell the staff (like the Browns owner is ELITE at following rules and regulations anyway), someone should have said, "Uhhhh guys, we REALLY need to draft Watkins/Evans/ODB me".

This sounds wrong. You spouting off Ide lies, Randall?

Grumpy said...

Come on Randall, that's a ridiculous excuse. If anyone in the organization knew before the draft, and certainly the owner and GM are "high level executives", they have to draft Watkins. You've gone from outrage on Thursday night to excusing incompetence by today.

Nibbles said...

"Apparently when a player is facing a year long suspension, the owner and high level executives are told but prohibited from telling the staff."

I don't believe it. We're talking about an owner that commits massive gas station fraud for a living and decides to not give any wink or nod to his head coach to look for a replacement for Gordon?

Randall Stevens said...

No Ide lies. I read it on twitter from Mortensen. Even though he's a cheese dick I doubt he was throwing out falsehoods about what the league rules are.

When they say "high level executives" they don't specify exactly who is included in that group. I guess it's possible GMs, or anyone involved in the draft process, isn't included in the "high level executive" group. But like I said...I'm willing to give them a pass for Watkins. Missing out on WRs in rounds 2-7 when everyone knew Gordon failed his wizz quiz is unacceptable.

Mr. Ace said...

ALL JIMMY HASLAM DOES IS BREAK RULES. WHY WOULD HE CHOOSE TO FOLLOW THE RULES THIS TIME? OTHER THAN BECAUSE HE IS A FUCK. And he wouldn't have had to tell them anything. He's the owner. He can walk into the draft room and say "Draft a WR in the first round" and there would be no issue at all.

I wasn't thrilled with the Eagles first pick, but I think they got everything they wanted. Chip is going after specific types of players and he still has familiarity with a lot of the college players so I trust him in that.

I was watching the draft with a Titans fan...He was as shocked as you were with that pick. Unless the Titans are looking to trade/drop one of those OT'S then it doesn't make any sense. And Lewan is a LT all the way.

It's hard to give credit to a guy who raped somebody...but at least Shambo talked about the issue when ND wanted him to continue to cover it up. That place is the worst.

Chip did look extra chunky in that interview.

Jeff said...

Very pleased with the Steelers haul. They must have more faith in the secondary than I do since only one DB was drafted.

Jax did have a surprisingly great draft (on paper, like everything now). Telvin Smith from FSU was a great grab. That kid can play. I swear that kid was in on every tackle in the national championship game. Real nose for the football I tell ya!

Randall Stevens said...

Listen assholes. I don't have a direct line to Jimmy Haslam's brain or the NFL rule book in front of me. So I don't know who they consider high level and I certainly don't know what was on Haslam's mind. Maybe a league official was shadowing Haslam's every move because Haslam is a known scheister. Maybe Haslam was told violation of the rule meant he had to surrender draft picks and he got scared. Maybe he had a change of heart about being a piece of shit criminal and decided from now on he's gonna be a model citizen. Maybe he intended to tell someone but got drunk and passed out for the entire first round. Choose whatever reason you like...but the Browns drafting personnel didn't know because a league rule said they weren't allowed to know. I'm simply telling you what the rule states. And I'm willing to accept that we missed out on Watkins because of a rule that was followed for whatever fucking reason you please. At least we got a first rounder next year for the cost of passing on him. But Watkins is the only WR we passed on that is excusable. By the time we made our first pick in the 2nd round the entire world knew. So passing on WRs after Watkins is very puzzling move and you can crucify the Browns all you want for that decision.

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

So the rules say we can or can't smoke pot? Asking for a friend.

-Josh Gordon

Daniel said...

I love the Bills draft. They finally showed some balls to move around and jump up and get the player they wanted. I also consider Bryce Brown a member of this staff class, and he has shown some promise in his limited opportunities in Philly. I think the best pick of the entire draft class could be Seantrel Henderson. At pick #237 - they may have got a first round talent that likes to dabble with the pot. Very low risk very high reward pick. They also got a potential starting guard (that was rated as a first rounder before the season last year) in the 5th round.

Overall - very ballsy draft by the Bills but I like it. I think the past 14 years have proven that their historical conservative approach just isn't working.

GMoney said...

Seantrel Henderson failed a drug test at the biggest job interview of his life. He will never make your team. And he has been OVERRATED ever since high school.

People in the Browns War Room (whoever they may have been) knew what was going to happen. That can not be an Ide lie but a FACT.

Like I said in the post, why draft a franchise QB if you are giving him Greg Little to throw to???

And I don't believe this Mort Report. Sounds like an Ide lie, too. "Hey, Browns, your best player is going to get popped for drugs AGAIN. Just giving you a heads up but don't tell anyone! We're going to let it leak after the first round!" How does that make sense.

The only thing that does make sense is that Randall wants to give Michael Sam a kiss on the lips.

Prime99 said...

I am good with the Bears' draft. Certainly not many sexy picks, but they addressed their needs in a relatively intelligent manner. Fuller, two DTs, and Vereen at safety was all good to rebuild. Drafting David Fales and signing the NIU kid seems like overkill, but Tress needs his boy-toys. Also, drafted a punter, so there's that (it was oddly a need.)

I don't have a problem with it all but I see that there aren't sexy enough picks to give them a high grade.

GMoney said...

The Bears and Skins would rather have a punter and a kicker respectively before Michael Sam. There is a reason why these teams have all the Super Bowl trophies.

I'm still in shock that Rando is defending the Browns. I don't think that this has ever happened and this time it is for something that is indefensible.

Anonymous said...

I'm not overly pissed about the lack of WR's. Our top 3 picks were solid. Maybe, because I don't believe Gordon will get the full year (8 games more likely), I'm not too worried about it.

That or I am jaded from the Browns being the Browns.

Goddamned Browns.


Daniel said...

G$ - You could have said the same thing about Alex Boone in 2009 and now he's one of the best OG's in the league. Not saying it will happen with Seantrel, but it could. As a Bills fan all I have is hope.

GMoney said...

There's no hope with dope.

Goodell only lessens sentences for white guys. A black dude that has failed three drug tests in 5 years probably isn't going to get the benefit of the doubt from The Ginger Hammer.

Prime99 said...

Johnny Dakota and Josh Gordon would be fast friends. Johnny would probably give Josh his jacket.

Mr. Ace said...

Iggles picked up Fluellen from the U OF TOLEDO!!! He might actually stick as the 3rd back. Saw a bunch of UT guys signing as UDFA's. #MACtion is alive and well.

Shut your stupid Mike Sam cock loving mouth, Daniel. That kid isn't going to do shit and you know it. His college career was nothing like Boones.

Browns Bad. It's really simple.

Randall Stevens said...

Mortensen has been covering the NFL for about as long as you've been alive, G$. And here you are..."Yeah. Dude doesn't know shit. That rule is fake. Browns are idiots." For a guy who said he doesn't mind the Browns, you sure go out of your way to shit talk them.

Anonymous said...


Best episode of the year IMO.

Good to see they blew all the budget this week on that awesome trip to Braavos. The Onion Knight is shrewd enough to land a deal and also to cockblock a cheating black man (redundancy).

Dany still sucks. Her dragons are starting to get a bit unruly, which is all we can look forward to out of her story for the foreseeable future.

Fun little castle storming scene with Asha/Yara/whatever her name is. Ramsay Snow is still awesome. Taking a page out of C. Montgomery Burns playbook and releasing the hounds was all the lulz.

No Starks this episode. Fuckers keep dropping like flies.

Then we get into the trial. Holy shit was this great or what? Parading out all those people including Varys to tell our of context stories about Tyrion was just wrong. And watching Shae crush him was absolutely brutal.

But Tyrion responds like a fucking boss essentially winning all the awards by telling everyone to go fuck themselves and die. Jamie did a great job by just standing there. Shooting daggers at Tywin and Cersei while giving that 'OH FUCK' look when Tyrion declared trial by combat. Amazing.

My one quick beef with this year is the Red Viper. Sure, I love how they make him a crazed sex addict with young boys on retainer, but he was so much more badass in the books. Especially by this point in the story.


Grumpy said...

That punter the Bears took had more bench press lifts than Clowney. Impressive.

Best part of the first round was Randall blowing up Facebook. Not as good as Cakes live tweeting Indians games, but close.

Randall Stevens said...

I'll admit I was furious. Takes me back there a little after hearing the Browns had Watkins name on the card and were literally seconds away from handing it in when Buffalo called. But we'll see what happens. At this point I'm so tuned out from this team and expectations are so low it's hard to get pissed at anything else I read...outside of the Gordon thing of course.

Prime99 said...

The scene with Yara and Ramsay was unnecessary and really only there to remind us that Reek had a sister and he's gone looney tunes.

Dany is still boring. Her interaction with Hizdar was pretty different in the books, but I get where they are going so it's all fine. She seems to get the most change because her book point of view is tons of inner monologue. Boring.

Tyrion is the fucking best. That scene was awesome. I can't wait to watch this go down.

Prime99 said...

Grumpy admits the Bears get the steal of the draft with that punter! Ok, I may have paraphrased, but that's what he meant.

Grumpy said...

That's what I meant.

GMoney said...

I don't doubt Mort's report (although I should because he is a rube). It's that no one else is talking about this at all as being something that had the team by the short and curlies.

I'm more embarrassed by you believing that this wasn't the talk of the goddamn front office because ol' Jimmy decided to obey whatever this rule is even though no one knows for sure if it exists and what sort of punishment it would come with if violated.

Seriously, how dumb is it that the NFL can tell a team that a suspension is coming but then say that the team better pinky swear not to tell anyone?

The FACT that you believe that the Browns couldn't do ANYTHING about this is insulting.

And as a reminder, Mr. Can't Read, I really like who the Browns drafted throughout the weekend...but it is really fucktarded to pass on ELITE WR prospects when you now have zero NFL-caliber receivers on the roster.

GMoney said...

I was hoping for Tyrion to drop a little Col. Nathan Jessup while he was on his rant about killing everyone. Or when Jamie approached him about joining The Watch replying with "You want me on that Wall. YOU NEED ME ON THAT WALL".

Shae is a cunt. I hope she dies.

Loved The Model Rick Martel stopping Maester with a "yeah we get it you have a lot of poison move this the fuck along already".

So ho is Bronn fighting next week to save Tyrion? My guess is The Mountain. He should be due back soon.

Prime99 said...

Ray Farmer told Mike and Mike that "Victor Cruz was an undrafted free agent, so we can find WRs for our team."

Excellent logic. Assume they will find the next Victor Cruz, draft no one.

Prime99 said...

You assume it's Bronn but you're not correct.

Anonymous said...

Bronn vs The Mountain? That'd be something. Distant second to who he actually does fight.

Silicon Valley/Veep were both terrific. 'You just brought piss to a shit fight' was the greatest line of the year.

Orphan Black is still one of the best shows no one is watching.

Also, I had the pleasure/displeasure of meeting several Napoleon types over the weekend. Apparently, my reputation preceded me and I was referred to as an asshole by no less than three people I'd never met before. Namely, Mrs. Nibbles. Also Dut referring to his girlfriend as his exclusive was classic. He also introduced me as an asshole.


Randall Stevens said...

What I believe is that there's more to this than "Browns knew Gordon was getting suspended and passed on the best WR in the draft anyway". No one is that careless/dumb regardless of what you may think. But since you jack off to your Browns hatred...for whatever refuse to believe there's any other possible scenario than "Browns be dumb".

Cakes said...

I'm still in shock of the Josh Gordon fiasco. Only in fucking Cleveland would the most exciting first day of the draft EVER become irrelevant only 20 hours later.

That being said, I'm not throwing in the towel just yet. Sure, we don't have many big names for Manziel to throw to but that doesn't mean somebody can't step up. Little, Cameron and Hawkins can all be good targets. There is also plenty of time for for trades to fill the position before camp starts.


GMoney said...

Correct...Browns be dumb. But then again, they are 100% certain to find the next Victor Cruz now so it will all work out.

I can't see into the future but unless you can prove this wrong "Browns draft franchise QB--provide him with no one to throw to" then I accept your apology. Keep in mind, you're batting a whopping .000 when you come at me bro with NFL-related disagreements so you may want to back off here, too.

Being wrong is your "exclusive". Who the fuck talks like that? I'm going to start calling She$ my "betrothed".

GMoney said...

Little, Cameron and Hawkins can all be good targets.--You poor, stupid homer. I feel just awful for you. Sarah McLachlan should put together one of those charity commercials with all of Cakes fucktarded homer takes asking people for money. That is the worst set of receiving targets in the league.

There is also plenty of time for for trades to fill the position before camp starts.--What sort of game-changing receiver do you think is going to be available? You're down to Smiles Austin and Santonio.

Cakes, you aren't as dumb as Rando today but that isn't exactly a compliment either.

Randall Stevens said...

So is that how that works? You just proclaim yourself the winner of an argument? So let it be written so let it be done! That makes almost as much sense as your ELITE arguments.

GMoney said...

I won the argument because I didn't the defend the Browns. Should someone that is defending the Browns win an argument ever?

You yourself demanded Sammy Watkins because he is really good and you needed hashish insurance but you say it's OK because of some weird Mort Report and the team has really poor communication skills?

Yeah...I won this round easily. And everyone agrees.

Randall Stevens said...

I said I suppose I can live with not getting Watkins since we have Buffalo's 1st round pick next year. Not that I was okay with it. There's a difference. How can you win arguments when you make up Ide lies?

GMoney said...

The only lie is "Mike Brown still coaches the Cavs". Because he was just fired. After one shitty year.

Could it be The Year of STREMPH in Cleveland???

Well done, Dan Gilbert. Way to fire that turd twice.

Prime99 said...

Cleveland can hire Mark Jackson to improve them STREMPH.