Wednesday, May 07, 2014

G$'s Official Mock Draft on NFL Draft Eve

LOLZ!
By now, all of you turds know that no one loves the NFL Draft more than I do. It is a sickness. I am aware of how pathetic this makes me but I’m not going to change no matter how many insults are hurled my way. My goal is to watch in the neighborhood of 90% of the full Draft this weekend. I will definitely be tuned in for every second of the first two nights. However, I have to admit that the NFL pushing the Draft back into May this year is annoying. It’s just too much mocking and speculation and anonymous sources for me. Let’s just put the goddamn Texans on the clock already and end the pointless, manufactured melodrama.

A lot of kewl internet people like to complain about mock drafts and how they are dumb and stupid and serve no purpose. Well, you know what, NOT MINE. Mine is the best! I’ve actually been better than you think at this ever since I started doing these. In FACT, I correctly picked all 32 first round selections last year. And here is my 2014 Mock Draft for all my BRAHs out there…

1. Houston – Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina – Really, this is a no-brainer. Why wouldn’t you put the "best pass rusher in the Draft since LT" on the other side from JJ Watt?
2. St. Louis – Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson – The Rams have Jake Long and Rodger Saffold to play tackle. Sure, they’re going to need an upgrade there eventually, but they’ve needed an ELITE wide receiver since Torry Holt left. If you are going to dump Chief Sam Bradford after this year, you better make sure that he can’t play first (note: he can't play).
3. Jacksonville – Khalil Mack, OLB, The State University of New York AT Buffalo – Just a reminder, this kid is a fucking stud.
4. Cleveland – Michael Sam, DE/Distraction, Missouri Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M – Honestly, there is no other pick to make even if Watkins is available. You already have Gordon and Cameron and just signed Burleson and Hawkins so why would you take a wide receiver with the 4th pick? None of the OTs make sense because you have Joe Thomas at LT and you don’t waste a high pick on a right tackle. Don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT LIKE THIS PICK. But this is the pick (if that makes sense). I do not think that Manziel will be a success in the NFL but this is the kind of guy from the kind of crook family that Jimmy “The Worst Owner” Haslam covets. I’ll put it this way, the NFL put Skins/Browns preseason on Monday night this year because they know that this will be the first Football/Griff matchup (and probably the last).  Fight me in the comments, but you need to accept that Johnny is coming to the Lake.
5. Oakland – Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn

6. Atlanta – Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M – No team had worse OTs than Atlanta…not any more
7. Tampa Bay – Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M
8. Minnesota – Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh – I don’t see the Vikings picking a QB here simply because Rick “Grimes” Spielman is a pussy.
9. Buffalo – Taylor Lewan, OT, WE ON – Do they cover up rapes better in upstate New York?  Asking for a friend.
10. Detroit – Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State – The Lions have had a terrible secondary for as long as I can remember. Honestly, the last Lions DB to make an All Pro team may have been Night Train Lane.  Here is some homework for Drew: Who the hell was the last DB for the Lions that was good for at least a five year stretch?

11. Tennessee – Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State
12. New York Giants – Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina – There are two E’s in Eric Ebron much like there are two E’s in ELITE Manning.  Perfect fit!
13. St. Louis – Zack Martin, OL, Notre Dame
14. Chicago – Timmy Jernigan, DT, Florida State – The Bears had the worst run defense in the league last year and did nothing to help with that during free agency. They probably want Donald but I want Marc Trestman to stop fucking little boys. We can’t always get what we want.
15. Pittsburgh – Kyle Fuller, CB, Virginia Tech – Ike Taylor proved last year that he is losing it fast. It’s time for the Steelers to re-tool that secondary on the fly. Mike Mitchell was a decent start but now it’s time to get the CB.

16. Dallas – Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville
17. Baltimore – Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, ROLL TIDE
18. New York Jets – Odell Beckham, Jr, WR, LSU
19. Miami – Morgan Moses, OT, Virginia – He has to be an upgrade over Jonathan Martin.
20. Arizona – Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida – I think that Bruce Arians would be jacked if this happened. There’s good value for Bortles at 20 and then you can have a legitimate open QB competition during camp. Whatever it takes to be Carson Palmer free.  Also, LINDSEY FUCKING DUKE.

21. Green Bay – CJ Mosley, LB, ROLL TIDE
22. Philadelphia – Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State – You could flip flop Cooks and Lee here. I see both the Chiefs and Eagles getting receiver upgrades in the first round.
23. Kansas City – Marqise Lee, WR, USC
24. Cincinnati – Anthony Barr, OLB, UCLA – The rumors of the Bengals wanting to take Bridgewater here are hilarious to me. Barr is a flat out stud and I have no idea why he is slipping.
25. San Diego – Jason Verrett, CB, TCU
26. Cleveland – Michael Sam, DE/Distraction, Missouri Xaiver S’ua-Filo, OG, UCLA – Definitely not a sexy pick but understand who your OC is now. You WILL run the ball and you will run it a lot no matter who is getting the carries once Ben Tate gets hurt. A nice road-grading guard is a solid pick. Again, wide receiver is deep this year and not a position of necessity. You just invested in a midget QB who likes to extend plays with his feet so you better have incredible linemen in front of him.

27. New Orleans – Bradley Roby, CB, Ohio Buckeyes – Even though he likes to get DWIs before the draft, I can’t imagine that that bothers Rob Ryan all that much. With Malcolm Jenkins gone, it makes sense to replace a Fuckeye with a Fuckeye.
28. Carolina – Allen Robinson, WR, Penn State
29. New England – Ryan Shazier, OLB, Ohio Buckeyes – BILL BELICHICK FOUND HIS BLACK MIKE VRABEL!!!
30. San Francisco – Dee Ford, DE, Auburn – Since you can’t count on Aldon Smith at all unless you want to blow up an airport, they should probably have a contingency plan in place.
31. Denver – Cyrus Kouandjio, OT, ROLL TIDE - He will be the Skins pick at 34 if he makes it that far.  Lock that shit up.
32. Seattle – Stanley Jean-Baptiste, CB, Nebraska – Mayock says that he will go in the first round and Mayock is smart so I’ll send the 6’2” DB to the place that (Leroy) hoards 6’2” DBs.

As usual, stupid trades will throw a wrench in my mock but that’s OK. That is what makes tomorrow great. We should never forget that the Dolphins traded up to #3 last year to take Dion Jordan who did almost nothing as a rookie. Good times! Enjoy The Draft tomorrow!  It sucks that I have to wait until Friday to due my annual tradition of screaming "SUPER BOWL!" when the Skins first pick is announced.  It is a tradition unlike any other.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'd love it if they took Dennard. I honestly can't think of a DB that was good for a 5yr stretch.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Mack>Clowney

MUDawgfan said...

G$ you think Robinson is valued higher than Matthews?

Every mock I've seen since March had one of those two at #6. I will kill myself if the Dirty Birdz draft Lewan.

GMoney said...

Uhhhhhh Auburn was better than A&M and thus ends my Robinson/Matthews comparison. I don't know. Just be thankful that Matt Ryan is finally going to have someone protecting his back this season.

No. Clowney > Mack...but it's close. Much less difference between them than Mack and the next defensive player though.

I don't give a shit about Jay Glazer saying that "the Browns will not take Manziel at 4". Yeah, that means that they will trade up to 2 for him then, right? NO OTHER PICK MAKES SENSE if the top 3 are Clowney, Mack, and Watkins as I think that they will be.

The Browns are taking Manziel. Lock that shit up. I am staking my ELITE reputation on it.

Jeff said...

Steelers def need a CB. I would like Denard or Gilbert, but looks like they both might be gone by then. Don't know much about this Fuller kid. I guess he fits their scheme(must mean he loves to leave receivers wide open on 3 and long. I would also like a rush end who can stand up (Khalil Mack). I can hope.


PK Suppan is a baaaad reggin.

GMoney said...

And to think that Subban was mostly a healthy scratch for Team Canada! That Rob Ford knows what he's doing.

Mr. Ace said...

I am hoping Fuller falls to the Eagles. My feeling is they are looking to go DB in the first round and then WR in 2nd. But depends who is available. I don't want Haha because Bama defensive players have been ass n the NFL.

There is a lot of talk about all the QBs sliding into the mid to late teens. Totes could see that happening.

If this draft goes like you say then I don't know what the Browns will do if they don't take Manziel. Unless another team loves a QB I don't know how much value they will get out of trading. Reach for Evans? Reach for Donald? 4 could be a tough spot.

GMoney said...

Exactly. They would be sort of cornered into making the sexy pick which probably isn't the smart pick. The fans would love it though.

Grumpy said...

I take Mack over Clowney because Clowney doesn't have the heart to be great. He'll be good on pure talent, but I don't think he'll be great.

Steelers might trade down and still get Fuller.

Anonymous said...

Also, there is no way that Roby goes before Shazier. I think Roby will be 2nd round....Shazier top 20.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Clowney doesn't have the heart to be great.

How in the fuck do you know that? If you have some sort of metric that measures heart and grit then get your ass into an NFL front office immediately. I think that when he sees one on one matchups in front of him while Watt is getting double and triple teamed, Clowney will rediscover his love for the game or whatever.

By the way, the Skins open up at Houston this season (Underachiever Bowl!) and the thought of Watt and Clowney ending our season in the first half of the first game is terrifying.

Randall Stevens said...

I don't know why everyone is so god damn obsessed with sticking Manziel on the Browns. It's not happening. I really don't think Cleveland even wants him.

I've been saying it for months and nothing has changed. Watkins or trade down. If nothing else Sammy Watkins is Josh Gordon insurance. That's a good of a reason as any to take the best WR in the draft. You even said yourself in your ELITE WR rankings (LULZ) that you can't trust Gordon. Right? Right.

GMoney said...

Maybe, Drew, but DBs tend to be hotter targets than LBs. Especially with how the NFL is now. Roby would be a pretty decent #2 to Keenan Lewis. If you're drafting Roby to be a shutdown type then that is a YUGE mistake.

Where are the Browns Backers? They are a mouthy bunch that usually has ample opinions on my taeks.

GMoney said...

Sammy Watkins has dreads so you can't trust him either.

Trade down...ugh. You and the Rams both want to trade back and it is dumb. You are in no possession to pass up top shelf talent to gain extra picks that you already have. GET GOOD PLAYERS. Quality over quantity. You've done enough asset accruing. It's time to unleash the beast.

If you don't want Manziel, that's fine, but quarterback should be the pick at 4 no matter who it is. Drafting a #2 wide receiver at #4 (even someone as good as Watkins who, again, won't be around at 4) with no QB in the fold seems less than smart. Same with taking a right tackle.

My logic is flawless here by the way.

Anonymous said...

I am following through on my lack of Browns talking until after the draft. A bunch of Napoleon people are descending on my fair city for baby Bukes wedding, and it looks like I may not be able to attend this year.

Or I will.

Ide

Nibbles said...

Taking Manziel is the only option at this point. Having a QB that does his best work under pressure with a reliable back up in Boyer if/when John gets hurt makes sense. Disagree with G$ that he won't be good. He'll be a stud after a few years.

Randall Stevens said...

"If you don't want Manziel, that's fine, but quarterback should be the pick at 4 no matter who it is."

Why do you have to get a QB at 4? Just because there's 50 QBs to choose from in this draft doesn't mean you have to take any of them at 4. Especially if you don't think there's one good enough to take at 4. "Well...we think all these QBs are average but god dammit we need a quarterback. Which one of these guys do you hate the least? We'll take him at 4 even though there are way more talented guys we can pick from in this spot. Jeez...if only we didn't need a QB this year..."

That is some of the dumbest logic I've ever heard.

Label Watkins a #2 WR all you want if it makes you feel better. I look at results and stats. Give me over 1,000 yards every year and I don't give a shit if you're a #1 or a #7. There are plenty of guys in the NFL viewed as "#2" targets who produce like #1 guys.

GMoney said...

Improvising works in college. It tends to not work in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I'm not saying that it is impossible for Manziel to be a success as a pro, just that I wouldn't bet on it. And Kyle Shanahan tends to love getting his QBs killed.

I just feel very strongly that QB/OL is the right path for the Browns...unless Mack is there at 4 and if he is then you run to the goddamn podium and draft him. I wouldn't worry too much about the defense. Pettine will have that unit playing well.

Peabody is getting married this weekend? What kind of asshole gets married during the Draft?

Mr. Ace said...

I can see drafting one of the OT'S at 4 and having them play RT for a few years. Thomas will be 30 before the end of the year and left tackles don't stay elite forever. Draft a guy u like and groom him under an All Pro for a couple years.

I think the Browns need a QB in the first round, but it doesn't have to be with that pick.

There are a ton of WR's in this draft. Latimer from Indiana has been moving up into the 1st and Benjamin from FSU could get in there.

Ide, don't miss your opportunity to boo Goodell for those clowns.

GMoney said...

I'm saying he would be a #2 for you. Just like Mike Evans or pretty much everyone in the NFL outside of 5 guys (give or take depending on piss tests).

Manziel or Bortles or Derek Carr (if they really love him) makes you better immediately and gives you a clear direction. Watkins I'm not so sure you can say that about since some noodle armed choir boy still has to get him the ball. More explosive definitely, but probably not much better.

If Watkins gets to 4, then I have no problem taking him. My point is that I'm 99% sure that he won't get there so now what? You better not take Mike Evans or you can just slap a D on your team for a draft grade. You shouldn't take a right tackle in the first round ever. Go get the best QB in the draft then. It isn't hard and you have been needing one forever. Don't let past failures scare you away from getting a big time QB with big time ARM TALENT. If you wait until 26, congrats on doing the exact same thing that netted you Quinn and Weeden. Get the best! SET THE TONE!

If you don't have a QB then you are never going to win consistently. This has been a FACT forever. Eventually, you have to take a legit chance for the first time since Tim Couch.

GMoney said...

Greg Robinson's STREMPH is run-blocking while he is suspect at pass blocking. You want that at #4???

You worry about the Joe Thomas contingency plan when Joe Thomas can't play anymore. Until then, worry about places that could use a massive upgrade.

I actually think that taking an OT at 4 would be the absolute worst thing that the Browns could do. And I say this as a former standout superstar RT myself. We are important, but not that important.

Randall Stevens said...

Before you continue saying a noodle armed QB will neutralize Watkins, remember that Gordon led the league in receiving last year with 2 noodle arm QBs throwing him moon balls. If Watkins isn't there then trade down. Or grab an ELITE corner. I would rather have lock down corners on both sides than any of these QBs at 4. The best QB in the draft doesn't mean he's going to be the savior of the Browns and certainly doesn't mean he's good enough to be taken at the 4. I'm the best writer for this blog but the Washington Post isn't knocking on my door when they have a need for a new writer to lead the office.

Grumpy said...

It's not me saying Clowney isn't motivated, it's a lot of the so called experts. I just think Mack will be better in the long run.

Look for the Steelers to trade 1.15 to the Eagles for 1.22. Remember where you heard it.

Mr. Ace said...

If there was an elite corner then I would agree. I just don't see that guy in the draft. Dennard at 4...I dunno.

G$, you said it yourself that the Browns are going to go run heavy all year. If RT is a spot that can be upgraded significantly to run that kind of offense then do it. You talk about Robinsons weakness but then have him getting picked the very next pick. He obviously had VALUE. Browns need to get a QB in the first 3 picks, but it doesn't have to be #4.

Randall Stevens said...

Ace > G$. I agree the Browns should draft a QB this year but taking one at 4 is just idiotic.

If Dennard is good enough to go top 10 then taking him at 4 isn't unrealistic. I'd rather reach for a corner than a QB.

GMoney said...

Just draft Manziel and be relevant for the first time ever. That is all. You're never going to make the playoffs anyway so you might as well be fun to watch.

There. The troof hurts.

GMoney said...

If you're picking in the top 5 then you shouldn't have to reach for anyone.

I just believe that WR and OT are two of the least needed upgrade positions on the roster. That's all. We'll see tomorrow.

Grumpy said...

"I'm the best writer for this blog but the Washington Post isn't knocking on my door when they have a need for a new writer to lead the office." RS

I assume not counting yesterdays extreme lameness.

I'm with G$ on this; the Browns have to take whatever QB they have rated the highest at #4.

Prime99 said...

Why not draft Aaron Murray in the FOURF round or whatever and have him back up whatshisname for the Browns. Then you can get whoever, and have a polished college QB with upside. If you hate the first round names, then go that way.

G$ also liked the Brandon Weedon pick when it happens, but that's only because they're related.

Prime99 said...

It happened.*

GMoney said...

I liked the Weeden pick because I actually predicted it to happen and picks are always better when I get them right.

Why not draft Aaron Murray in the FOURF round or whatever and have him back up whatshisname for the Browns.

And then in two years, when this fails again, they are right back where they started. They have been doing this forever by trying to find the diamonds in the rough or value guys. If you keep repeating what you've always done then nothing is ever going to change.

GODDAMMIT I WANT TO LIVE IN THE SAME STATE AS JOHNNY MOTHERFUCKING FOOTBALL!!!

Randall Stevens said...

What if the Browns have 15 guys rated higher than the QB they have rated the highest out of all the QBs available? They still take a QB at 4? I'm sure you say yes because you're dumb. If you don't absolutely love one QB in this draft there's no reason to blow the #4 on him. None. And from what I've heard the Browns are lukewarm at best on all the QB options.

GMoney said...

Lesbihonest, the Browns could have Carlos Hyde at #1. I put nothing past this front office.

What do you mean "from what I've heard"? The Browns have put out ten thousand different smoke screens about who they love and it changes every day! No team has out-smoke screened the Browns.

So I went with the QB who your rube owner likely loves and considers his son. If he wants to work up more money for his defense team, selling all those #2 jerseys would be smart.

GMoney said...

Well, let me ax you a question then since you are the only Browns wonk to show up today...

Would you rather trade for Captain Kirk Cousins (or Ryan Mallet I suppose but he is hooked on meth probably) at the cost of your third rounder this year and a conditional based on performance next year (that's about what it would take) or draft a QB in the first two rounds?

Randall Stevens said...

What I mean is I haven't heard the Browns lusting over any QB. And if I'm correct they skipped everyone's pro day, yeah? Sounds like a team really interested in a QB at 4.

GMoney said...

They skipped EVERYONE's Pro Day. That means little.

Now there are "reports" saying that Ray Farmer is "enamored" with Teddy Bridgewater. The Browns have been in love with Carr, Manziel, AND Bridgewater apparently.

All I'm saying is that I think that they like Manziel the best (and a lot) and I think that they are going to take him at 4 and I don't blame if they do. But keep fighting me over it. I never grow tired of winning every argument against you.

The FACT is that the #4 is a really tough spot to be in as long as the three teams ahead of them aren't insane and leave one of the top three talents on the board.

GMoney said...

And you didn't answer the question: Cousins for a third-plus or anyone in this draft in the first two rounds?

Anonymous said...

I really want to go tomorrow. Live TAEKS from the third mezzanine is a fun time. Though, Miami with the 19th pick makes me think they won't come out in full force like the last two years.

Boo-urnsing Goodell and saying WHAT!? after every announcement is a rite that all should take.

Ide

GMoney said...

At least once you need to do a:

Goodell: With the 5th pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select (Goodell pauses for effect)
Ide: MICHAEL SAM!!!

Everyone in the building: LOLZ!