A lot of kewl internet people like to complain about mock drafts and how they are dumb and stupid and serve no purpose. Well, you know what, NOT MINE. Mine is the best! I’ve actually been better than you think at this ever since I started doing these. In FACT, I correctly picked all 32 first round selections last year. And here is my 2014 Mock Draft for all my BRAHs out there…
1. Houston – Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina – Really, this is a no-brainer. Why wouldn’t you put the "best pass rusher in the Draft since LT" on the other side from JJ Watt?
2. St. Louis – Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson – The Rams have Jake Long and Rodger Saffold to play tackle. Sure, they’re going to need an upgrade there eventually, but they’ve needed an ELITE wide receiver since Torry Holt left. If you are going to dump Chief Sam Bradford after this year, you better make sure that he can’t play first (note: he can't play).
3. Jacksonville – Khalil Mack, OLB, The State University of New York AT Buffalo – Just a reminder, this kid is a fucking stud.
4. Cleveland –
5. Oakland – Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn
6. Atlanta – Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M – No team had worse OTs than Atlanta…not any more
7. Tampa Bay – Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M
8. Minnesota – Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh – I don’t see the Vikings picking a QB here simply because Rick “Grimes” Spielman is a pussy.
9. Buffalo – Taylor Lewan, OT, WE ON – Do they cover up rapes better in upstate New York? Asking for a friend.
10. Detroit – Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State – The Lions have had a terrible secondary for as long as I can remember. Honestly, the last Lions DB to make an All Pro team may have been Night Train Lane. Here is some homework for Drew: Who the hell was the last DB for the Lions that was good for at least a five year stretch?
11. Tennessee – Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State
12. New York Giants – Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina – There are two E’s in Eric Ebron much like there are two E’s in ELITE Manning. Perfect fit!
13. St. Louis – Zack Martin, OL, Notre Dame
14. Chicago – Timmy Jernigan, DT, Florida State – The Bears had the worst run defense in the league last year and did nothing to help with that during free agency. They probably want Donald but I want Marc Trestman to stop fucking little boys. We can’t always get what we want.
15. Pittsburgh – Kyle Fuller, CB, Virginia Tech – Ike Taylor proved last year that he is losing it fast. It’s time for the Steelers to re-tool that secondary on the fly. Mike Mitchell was a decent start but now it’s time to get the CB.
16. Dallas – Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville
17. Baltimore – Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, ROLL TIDE
18. New York Jets – Odell Beckham, Jr, WR, LSU
19. Miami – Morgan Moses, OT, Virginia – He has to be an upgrade over Jonathan Martin.
21. Green Bay – CJ Mosley, LB, ROLL TIDE
22. Philadelphia – Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State – You could flip flop Cooks and Lee here. I see both the Chiefs and Eagles getting receiver upgrades in the first round.
23. Kansas City – Marqise Lee, WR, USC
24. Cincinnati – Anthony Barr, OLB, UCLA – The rumors of the Bengals wanting to take Bridgewater here are hilarious to me. Barr is a flat out stud and I have no idea why he is slipping.
25. San Diego – Jason Verrett, CB, TCU
26. Cleveland –
27. New Orleans – Bradley Roby, CB, Ohio Buckeyes – Even though he likes to get DWIs before the draft, I can’t imagine that that bothers Rob Ryan all that much. With Malcolm Jenkins gone, it makes sense to replace a Fuckeye with a Fuckeye.
28. Carolina – Allen Robinson, WR, Penn State
29. New England – Ryan Shazier, OLB, Ohio Buckeyes – BILL BELICHICK FOUND HIS BLACK MIKE VRABEL!!!
30. San Francisco – Dee Ford, DE, Auburn – Since you can’t count on Aldon Smith at all unless you want to blow up an airport, they should probably have a contingency plan in place.
31. Denver – Cyrus Kouandjio, OT, ROLL TIDE - He will be the Skins pick at 34 if he makes it that far. Lock that shit up.
32. Seattle – Stanley Jean-Baptiste, CB, Nebraska – Mayock says that he will go in the first round and Mayock is smart so I’ll send the 6’2” DB to the place that (Leroy) hoards 6’2” DBs.
As usual, stupid trades will throw a wrench in my mock but that’s OK. That is what makes tomorrow great. We should never forget that the Dolphins traded up to #3 last year to take Dion Jordan who did almost nothing as a rookie. Good times! Enjoy The Draft tomorrow! It sucks that I have to wait until Friday to due my annual tradition of screaming "SUPER BOWL!" when the Skins first pick is announced. It is a tradition unlike any other.