Thursday, May 29, 2014

Field Day Ain't What It Used To Be

NOT Field Day!
I've been out most of this week because I have been running field day at school. I'm going to get to that. But I want to address a couple recent happenings first.

*Are the Spurs in trouble? FUCK YES! Again, without Ibaka I was so fucking unbelievably certain
that this series would be over in 5. Mostly because that meant that Adams and Perk were the only bigs they could put on the floor. Now Ibaka is back and his presence is killing us. OKC is dominating the boards. I said Splitter was ass last week and this is exactly why, he's a giant fucking Euro pussy. Obviously, this isn't all on Splitter. There's a lot of blame to go around. I hope Pop changes up the rotations and Ginobili, Diaw and Mills get a lot more PT. Belinelli should get zero run, and Green and Splitter should see less time.

* LOLZ at G$ and his Cavs talk. Until Bron comes back into that locker room you are irrelevant...which I think you understand, but just wanted to point out.

*Bragging about making money at a garage sale is about the most white trash thing you can do. "Hey, you see all this stuff I paid $500 for when I bought it? I'll sell it to you for $20. I'M RICH, BIATCH!"

So today we are going to be talking about Field Day. The last time I competed, and note the word COMPETED, in Field Day it was probably 1996. I was a 5th grader in Ms. G's class and we had some serious athletes(not affletes as we were all white). I was never much of a speedster, so my forte was always more of the stremph variety...such as kickball/ long throw/ tug of war. I feel like those, along with the sprint, are the cornerstones of a solid field day extravaganza. Oh, and horrible fucking parents. Can't forget that part.

Well guess what, that shit is dead and gone. Or at least it is at my school. Here is a run down of the "stations" we had going for our field day. Mind you, I have absolutely no say over what goes on as far as these stations.


  1. Inflatable Castle/Water slide. Seriously, just a bunch of kids climbing up some inflatable castle and then sliding down the slide with a sprinkler attached to it. Somehow kids did this for 20 minutes straight and gave no fucks. I did go down it once yesterday because it was 90 degrees and the kids were at lunch. I want one now.
  2. "Game Station". This was my primary station. I basically came up with 5 games that I would have the kids play depending on grade level and respect for authority. We rotated between a) Bean bag slingshot launch: Which was meant to have kids aim at a bullseye on a tarp about 50 feet away, but quickly turned into kids launching them at their teachers, b) Sack Race: Exactly what is sounds like, c) Hula Hoop Pass: This is where I make the kids hold hands in a big circle and have to get their bodies through a hula hoop and then help their neighbor. You know, a real team builder. I also call this the ring of death because apparently there is one kid in every class who has ringworm, and d) I make up random shit for them to do for 20 minutes. My personal favorite. This is what happens when I get 50 kindergarten hyenas thrown at me. We play Simon Says and do relay races through the jungle gym.
  3. Slip N Slide. This is where I put together two tarps and coat them with dish soap and have somebody else spray the kids down as the go through it. Because stereotypes.
  4. Bike station. Kids literally get on bikes that have been salvaged and are on their last legs and ride them in a circle. There are some scooters mixed in. It stays friendly with everybody going in the same direction for about the first 15 minutes. The last 5 is demolition derby time.
  5. Snow cones and cotton candy. Crazy kids? Threaten them with missing out on cotton candy and snow cones as they watch their friends enjoy them. Problem solver.
The highlight of my day? Watching a kid go full Ricky Bobby on fire on the playground. I didn't know this kid. The students who got to participate in Field Day today don't go to class on my wing so I have almost zero interaction with them throughout the school year. And I have no idea what started this event. All I saw was this kid rolling on the ground throwing a tantrum. His teacher says something like, "Are you on fire? Is that a stop, drop and roll?" And I could just see the light bulb go on in this kids head, he had a genius idea. So he gets up and just starts flying around the playground shedding his clothes(this was a water-centric day so it wasn't that crazy to see) screaming out "HELP ME JESUS! HELP ME OPRAH!" He it just tearing through every station and nobody can stop him. And I don't want to stop him. I am hoping it lasts forever. But when he finally decides he is done, he belly flops right into pool below the water slide. It was three glorious minutes that he nor I will ever forget.

But Field Day isn't what it used to be, folks. We are in a world of non-competition and it has filtered all the way down to what is supposed to be the most glorious day of an elementary schoolers life. Field day has become a watered down, kumbaya slumber party where everybody has to play nice and enjoy their treats. Everybody's a friend. Nobody loses. Everybody wins. And you can't make the kids with ringworm sit out because that's just mean.

And this isn't even about the pussification of Murica. It's about how awesome Field Day used to be. I don't think I ever won an event(I was the Buffalo Bills of Field Day), but I still enjoyed it, looked forward to it and remember it like it was yesterday. You and your classmates came out in your team colors. Everybody had their best events that they were participating in that day. And even though you knew you had some worthless teammates, you still cheered them on because you wore the same colors. What happened to the crab walk? How about the wheel barrow race? 4 man relay?

Forget about Memorial Day. I want Field Day back, America.

(I bet Ide was the crab walk king)

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was dogshit at crab walking. Bear crawls too (I hyper extended my elbow one time).

Ide

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the left leaning policies that everyone should have things equal despite not putting in the effort. It is trickling down through the school systems so that kids will grow up thinking they should have the things they want even if they don't work for them. The government will take care of them.

GMoney said...

Soy milk at snacktime, amirite anonoymous???

Oh yeah, Field Day was the best day of the year. A chance to finally establish who was the alpha class at West Elementary just in time for school to be over one week later. This reminds me of my Jerry Conn post (one of the finest posts written here)

The only props we had back in my day were jump ropes and the greatness of Doug Edwards. That is all you needed. No water slides or KY Jelly.

I think I remember being on our classes 4 man relay team which was a YUGE mistake for whoever assembled that squadron. Probably some quadroon.

T. Iceman said...

"Hey, you see all this stuff I paid $500 for when I bought it? I'll sell it to you for $20. I'M RICH, BIATCH!"

You see Ace...when you have things that you don't need anymore and you're moving across the country, you can't take it all. So your options are:

A) throw it away
B) donate it
C) garage sale

While I fully understand what we're getting for our used things isn't close to what we paid, the $1,200 we've made so far is much better than the $0 that comes with trashing it or donating it. Plus, like I stated before, some of these items were gifts. So some of this money we're making is pure profit. Now go back to being the caboose on the Duncan, Parker, Popovich, Ginobili Human Centepede.

Anonymous said...

The wife and I volunteered to help at our daughter's field day last week. We had the sack race station. The other dad and I set up the course around the horse shoe pits, which had concrete strips connecting them, and the kids had to go around the wooden stops. In the first two groups we had a kid in each wipe out and end up crying. It was great.
-Ohio Nate

GMoney said...

OHNate, I would imagine that making other kids than your own cry is a true delight. It's kind of like how Dut makes kids cry but for very VERY different reasons.

Iceman, but if you donate the stuff, you get a tax write-off. Granted, your future home has NO STATE TAX but you still have one currently. You can never forget about state taxes. They are worth more than gold.

I thought that Ufford nailed it on Twitter last night that the Pacers have somehow made America root for the Heat. Now, I wouldn't go THAT far, but I've never rooted for a team that I've hated more than the 2014 Indiana Pacers. It's as if they have a rule that only 2 guys are allowed to try per game. They deserved to lose last night.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, this Pacers team...woof on the personality.

I LOLZ'd at Ape's white trash line.

Political anon is worst anon.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I am putting on 5th grade and kindergarten graduation today so I will be in and out. This will probably be the only graduation these kids see so we do it big.

Anon, never forget the ELITENESS of NCLB. I'm sure you're a Bush guy.

There were definitely some tears. Especially when kids went down the slip n slide and got soap in their eyes/mouth. And when a couple of my kids misfired the bean bags and plunked the kids riding bikes.

Ice, I just always find it hilarious. Mostly because I have an aunt who does this shit all the time and acts like she is making a living off of it. No, you're losing 80% every time you buy something.

We had a parent volunteer go off on a teacher because the teacher yelled at her kid for pushing another terrified student down the water slide. Our volunteers>>>

Anonymous said...

The best part was the blue 1st place ribbons. I'm sure they now just give out participatation ribbons to everyone so no one has "hurt" feelings.

----Clubber

T. Iceman said...

The cool thing about marrying someone that never gets a tax return is that now you don't get one either. There are a lot of different variables I won't bore you with when she files taxes. So unless I buy 3 houses or turn black and have 15 kids with 7 different women...Iceman gets zero tax return and tax write offs don't exist.

This Pacer team could be the most unlikeable team in the history of basketball. Maybe even all sports.

Stephenson is a God damn cartoon character. Blowing in LeBron's ear? The fuck?? What's funny is Lance probably thought LeBron's struggles last night were all him and his childish antics.

I'm really starting to hate Paul George too. Dude has one superstar game and starts prancing around like that's what he always does every game.

And Hibbert is just a worthless turd.

The best part about this Indiana team is how much they bitch about the officiating. COULDNT BE THAT THE HEAT ARE BETTER!!! THE REFS BE SCREWIN' US!!! The Pacers have a FT attempt advantage overall in this series and whine like faggots when the Heat attempt double the FTs the Pacers did in one game. Get raped.

GMoney said...

Ape, if today is these kids likely only graduation, may I give you three stronk words of advice...

FRY. THAT. CHICKEN.

Clubber, true dat. If you brought home any ribbon that wasn't blue, you brought great shame to your family.

Is there some sort of number to call for tax fraud like there is for DUIs. Something like 1-800-GRAB-IRS or whatever? I feel like we should be reporting Iceman for tax evasion. He doesn't even live in Florida or Texas for Pete sake! YOU START PAYING OR YOU GO TO JAIL, BRAH. I want to see records from this garage sale. Receipts or prison, nogg!

I swear that if it weren't for the presence of Dwyane Wade, I would probably be rooting for the Heat in this series. The Pacers lost all of their charm when they dumped MANSbrough. MANSBRAH? Does that work? We need Psycho T back in America.

Prime99 said...

The Hawks win last night was scrumtulecent! Double OT winner for Handzus- so awesome.

The photoshops of Stephenson blowing into an NES cartridge were fantastic.

Field Day was awesome and I remember the Naptown FD's being better than GA or CA. The competition meant something in NW OH!

GMoney said...

You better believe it, Prime. In my vast research, I have concluded that no one does better Field Days than Henry County. This has a lot to do with Doug Edwards.

I was flipping back and forth between the Yanks/Cards (ALL CLASS!), hockey, and hoops last night. Bro, the Kings are the better team. You know this. It is as plain as day. I hope that you win but this isn't beating some piss-ass 7 seed Detroit when down 3-1.

Anonymous said...

I said it last night (and couldn't believe it)... I am rooting for the Heat in this series becuase of the fucking clowns on the Pacers. Stevenson is the biggest joke ever... He is a punk bitch and needs his ass beat. West is a such a cry baby. That team is so hateable. They need to go home.

Obviously will be rooting for whoever the Heat play in the finals, but Stevenson needs Lebron's nuts on his face.

Seal

Grumpy said...

Back in the day we had a version of what you describe, though I don't remember what it was called. We competed by class. So if there were three 6th grade classes they competed against each other.

I remember there were sprints, relays and throwing a variety of balls for distance. That's all I can recall. It was for bragging rights and taken seriously.

I blame the pussification of Ace's Field Day on having a black, Kenyan, Muslim president.

Prime99 said...

I don't care who the "better team" is. I care about still being in it and potentially winning. Still there. What do you want me to do? Admit the Kings are better and then stop being a fan? Don't be dumb, I'm not doing either.

T. Iceman said...

Grumpy was better at catching balls than throwing them. NAW WUH UMMM SAYYYYYIN????

By "not getting a tax return" I figured it was implied that we will pay in. Every year. A lot.

You're insane if you think I'm letting this garage sale loot get taxed by the man. OFF THE BOOKS!!

GMoney said...

I'll help you, Grump, it was called "FIELD DAY".

GMoney said...

I don't care who the "better team" is.

That explains your Cubs fanhood. COUNT IT!

Look, I'm just saying that this time it does not appear that the Hawks are the superior squadron on the ice.

Mr. Ace said...

Just had a near riot over cake. Some lady wanted a piece of cake that was half white and half chocolate. I LOL'd because I thought she was joking. She was not. I told her she can have chocolate or white and come back for seconds after everybody gets thru. She called me ignorant and rolled away on her walker. The best part was she was a kindergarten grandparent...trying to make her way thru the fifth grade line. These graduations are not held not the same area. Fucking people, man.

Cakes said...

That didn't sound like a field day at all. I am jealous of the waterslide/pool though. We never got that back in the day.

Thinking about RS running a garage sale has given me major LULZ the past few days. I'm not sure why but it kills me.

Is it too early to give up on the Tribe? What a fucking joke this team is.

GMoney said...

Hey asshole, while you were vacationing in Cleveland, Randall Stevens died from being a fucking idiot and The Iceman was born again. Get with the program.

Seems like a perfect Cake Farts scenario, Ape. Or was this old black woman demanding an interracial version of Cakes? That would be interesting.

T. Iceman said...

"Just had a near riot over cake"

This site is about to have a near riot over Cake. A riot over Cakes stupidity. Randall Stevens went into hiding because it was the only way to get away from G$'s sexual advances, Cakes. Get a clue.

Are you LOL'ing at the $1300 I've made in 3 days?

Anonymous said...

I'll be speaking to you soon, sir.

--Irwin R. Schyster

Mr. Ace said...

Icing on the shit cake of my school/neighborhood: Four kids on the playground got shot by BB guns during recess. I mean...what the fuck.