Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Dr. Money Shot Ends UCL Reconstruction

Oh, my arm.  It's broken!
You may or may not have noticed that we haven’t had any baseball posts since the season started 6 weeks ago. I can hear Cakes sobbing every day. I haven’t done this on purpose (I know that the other two guys aren’t going to write about it) but I just don’t have much to say thus far (that will change as soon as next week!). Fear not, though, because I do now. Today’s post will combine two of America’s greatest pastimes: baseball and uninformed opinions!

Monday night, Ken Rosenthal (and his stupid bowties) reported that Marlins super-stud pitcher, Jose Fernandez, was done. He is taking his electric stuff and personality to Dr. James Andrews for some Tommy John Surgery. In this humble blogger’s opinion, Tommy John is pretty ELITE. He has a way better ailment than Lou Gehrig no offense. Anyway, this really sucks for people who enjoy watching the game because Fernandez is incredible and was cranking out a Cy Young-like season and then between the 4th and 5th innings in San Diego over the weekend, it was all over. He’ll be out the rest of this year and a good chunk of next year and who knows if he will ever be the same.

Tommy John Surgery seems to be afflicting more and more pitchers every year now. It would be OK if this only happened to the marginal guys but when it claims Fernandez and Matt Harvey and Strasburg and others, well that sucks. Stop taking away all of the best young pitchers, you jerk! Or, you know, introduce yourself to Jut Verlander. Why is this happening more frequently today than in years past? I asked a couple of redneck experts about this on Monday night and these were their takes:

Mitch Williams thinks that it is because pitchers are pussies and don’t throw enough anymore. He seems to be one of those old guys that hates pitch counts and whatnot. John Kruk, who has one testicle mind you, thinks it has to do more with too much weight-lifting and not enough stretching. I think he is saying that it isn’t good when the muscles around the tendons change drastically while the tendons stay the same. And you know what, these two hayseeds might actually be on to something. Ozzie Guillen seems to think that guys are throwing too many sliders and whathaveyou and that, too, is interesting and entirely possible. Even HE could be on to something here!

That would be pretty crazy if all of the rest and limitations placed on these guys were doing more damage than good. I can definitely see the pros and cons of both. Maybe your arm needs to have more structure in its “life” than the peaks and valleys of start-two days off-long toss-day off-start and more of start-throw every day to some degree-start again. It’s interesting because we are in 2014 and modern medicine can’t seem to come to any consensus on how to prevent (or even curtail) serious pitching injuries.

And that is where we come in. I call on all of you medical professionals to diagnose why we are seemingly seeing an increase in major elbow issues among pitchers. This should be good. Get out your stethoscopes and anal thermometers because we’re playing doctor today. We, The Money Shot, can revolutionize the art of pitching.  This could be a billion dollar idea, folks!  Once we figure out how to defeat Tommy John for good, I would then like to solve the mystery of horrible-smelling asparagus piss.  But one medical miracle at a time...

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

First of all, I love the smell of asparagus pee.

The real reason nobody here has talked about baseball is because the Tigers are running shit right now. Brad Ausmus does not seem to like to coach losers...as all they do is WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT.

Miggy with a 3 run bomb with two outs and two strikes in the ninth last night....siiiiiiiiiiiick.

I think baseball pitchers need throw year round...build that arm up. They can't just violently use it for half of the year.

Happy with the SVG signing even if they backed up a Brinks truck and gave him all the powers in the world to come. He's by far the best coach since Carlisle/Brown and he got be worse at running a franchise than DUMARS was. I do look forward to the overreaction at who he signs to be GM, since that person will just be a puppet with SVG pulling the strings. Surprisingly good signing by that moron Gores.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

It's because kids do nothing but pitch from an early age. They no longer play football in the Fall and hoops in the Winter. They play on traveling teams similar to AAU basketball, then play high school baseball in season.

If a kid reaches the majors he has already been pitching for 10-12 years and throwing nearly year round during most of those years. Their arms are worn out.

Grumpy said...

Drew, with all due respect to your COY status, throwing year round is the problem, not the solution.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, tell that to the Japanese hurlers who have no idea of what a pitch count looks like and have been pitching since they were 5.

Anonymous said...

I think they need to get back to being fat asses, learn to pitch with just a couple of pitches, learn to change speeds/throw changeups, stop taking PEDs, make the hitters stop taking PEDs, raise the mound up to give them more of an advantage so they don't have to feel like they have to have a cannon, stop worrying about pitch counts and putting their arm on a velvet pillow on days off, adn finally, I think they need to learn how to pitch more like Tom Seaver and use their whole body in pitching and not just their arm. If you use your whole body then it takes a lot of weight off your arm and puts it into your legs and back. At least then you can get disc surgery which shouldn't take you out as long or be quite as iffy as Tommy John.

Anonymous said...

Bartolo Colon just proved Seals point.

The amount of Tommy John happening this season is certainly alarming. Perhaps people should scrutinize it like concussions. Or, more people should be knuckleballers like that molested victim or Tim Wakefield.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Grump...that's like your opinion man...not a FACT.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Dr. Drew and Dr. Grumpy Cat are certainly at odds this morning. Anon Tom Seaver Fan (LOLZ) has quite the theory!

I do believe that an over-reliance on breaking balls hurts guys. Especially kids. Kids should not be throwing curveballs until they can drive but that will never happen so whatever.

You give me a guy with an ELITE fastball/changeup combo who can locate and you have a winner that can pitch forever.

What kind of dickbag is watching a random Orioles/Tigers game in mid-May? You should have been watching the Yankees lose their 6th in a row to the goddamn Mets!

GMoney said...

Can we also discuss Drew liking the smell of asparagus piss? What a fucking weirdo. Then again, I am a fan of skunk smell and an even bigger fan of the time that FagNasty got sprayed by a skunk.

Prime99 said...

MLB can hire Mark Prior as a consultant to talk about his elbow. With every other injury possible, Prior's elbow was never a problem. Probably his PERFECT MECHANICS.

Overuse early and underuse later in life seems like a decent theory. Less or worse pitching steroids could be a factor also.

Blackhawks advance! How's my piss smell?!?!

Anonymous said...

GUARANSHEED that I'm not the only one that likes asparagus pee smell.

--Drew

GMoney said...

We must also remember to say that "throwing a baseball is an unnatural motion" because that is the sort of HOT TAEK cliché that all terrible analysts need to add.

I think that I would fall on the side of "throw more" as opposed to pitch counts and whatnot.

Randall Stevens said...

"Grump...that's like your opinion man..."

Big Lebowski quotes are always welcome. Bravo, Drew.

I think this increase of this Tommy John thing is simply guys are unnaturally bigger and stronger. All these different crazy body mass increasing supplements (legal and illegal) are readily available to any AFFLETE and they pretty much have to take them to keep up with the competition. I doubt speed guns were around back in the golden age of baseball but I would wager that guys weren't chucking 100 MPH smoked gouda back then. I don't think the arm was built to withstand such punishment but we've found a way to beef up bodies to the point where they have to ability to perform that way. Just because you CAN do it, doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD do it. It's the same thing with the increase in torn ACLs in football. People weren't built to be that big and run that fast and change direction that quickly at top speed. Eventually something has to give.

The best part of the SVG signing...other than the fact the pistons will finally start winning some fucking games now...is that golden state shit canned Jackson in hopes of getting Kerr or SVG. Now they're getting neither. Suck a dick. That's what you get for fucking with something that didn't need fucking with.

GMoney said...

The only percentages that SVG is going to boost while in Detroit are the sales at those chili dog places that are right next to each other. No one can save that garbage franchise with the garbage roster with the garbage fans in the garbage city.

That being said, I look forward to the Cavs hiring Vinny Del Negro to cement us in the lottery for the next decade.

I agree with STREMPH being an issue as well. Man, we are knocking it out of the park with our medical expertise but how do we gameplan a prevention method? We might need to get Cakes on this.

Anonymous said...

I think they are babying these pitchers too much. Throwing more on the side is the key in my view. But Ozzie, might be on to something with these kids throwing wicked sliders. These guys generate a lot of torque when they uncork one of those sliders.

We need Dwight Howard in Detroit so he can do his SVG impression. that is the only ELITE thing he has ever done.

-Damman

Jeff said...

I say let them throw. Better to have Tommy John early in your career anyways.

Maybe they should pitch less, but more often. Pitch once every 3 or 4 days instead of once every 5 or 6. Who knows?

Prime99 said...

Solution! When I was on the Indians in Naptown Little League (we were awful like the real Indians), we had a pitcher named Kirby (I think) who threw with both arms. He would relieve himself as the rules basically made him two pitchers (he couldn't throw with a different arm to each batter.)

If more kids threw with both arms, they could withstand the workload. Problem solved.

Also: Chewing tobacco and it's arm healing properties. Look it up.

Randall Stevens said...

SVG is a winner. If he can make Orlando a title contender with Smiles McElbows doing his best to fuck everything up then he can take the Pistons roster and do something with it. You're just jealous out new coach resembles Ron Jeremy.

Randall Stevens said...

Kirby Gerken! I seriously doubt he was any good pitching with his off hand. Kids that young are never good with their non dominant hand.

There was this kid on the Yankees back when I played little league. Let's call him Kyle Lacy because that is his name. He tried switch hitting as a 12 year old and it was always LOL. I'm pretty sure he went 0-30 from the left side of the plate.

GMoney said...

You guys are fucking idiots. I played with Kirby and Lacy for years and don't remember either of these two wild tales that you are spouting. I don't even remember Kirby being a pitcher. Below average HS Right Fielder and amusing teammate? Yes. Pitcher? Never.

Damman, I think the pitch that is killing these kids is when the try to emulate the Bogert Slurve. ELITE reference about a not ELITE pitcher.

Less weights. More stretching and long tossing. Fewer breaking balls. Teach kids how to throw a goddamn change-up instead of a curve. Innings limits are OK I suppose but pitch counts are not. By that I mean, say that the guy is going six unless he gets into trouble but yanking him after so many pitches is not.

Give me my millions ASAP.

Prime99 said...

You think I would just make up stories here at TMS?! That dude switch-pitched when I was 9. Was he a year above me? 2? No idea, someone confirm with him.

Randall Stevens said...

Kirbs graduated high school in '97 for what that's worth, Prime. And I will at least confirm he was a little league pitcher...but not the wild claim that he was ambidextrous. I remember Kirbs and Desgranges were the "Aces" on that squad. I'm surprised they weren't better with Benecke behind the plate. LOL.

My TAEKS are real TAEKS. I remember Lacy hitting lefty because I beaned him multiple times in one game while hitting lefty. The reason I know this is because that was my pitching Achilles. I could not pitch leftys. At all.

Prime99 said...

I remember I coach went to the mound to pull him, brought the left handed glove, and replaced him with himself. It happened! I'm not Ide, I can't make up a lie like that!

Anonymous said...

Yeah I don't remember either of these wild claims being true and I am Napoleon Little Historian as a side gig. In the years that I played with both guys after that, they never mentioned switch throwing or hitting as being a part of there past and that certainly would have been talked about on the bench at some point.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

*Little League Historian

-Damman

Randall Stevens said...

Maybe Lacy never mentioned it because he was embarrassed by how bad he was at it and didn't want anyone remembering it.

Randall Stevens said...

Prime lies > Ide lies!

GMoney said...

LOL Benecke. Now there is a guy who would volunteer to lead up-downs. The Indians and Tigers were always so bad.

Ironically, the Yankees have a pitcher at either AAA or AA who is ambidextrous. Or at least they did. He sucked both ways like a bi-sexual.

Cakes said...

I know all too well about the loss of Jose Fernandez because fantasy probz.

I think pitchers should just get the surgery out of the way in the minors. It should be written into contracts. That way, I don't lose my best fantasy pitcher in May.

The human arm isn't designed for pitching. I'm guessing god (LOL) didn't intend for humans to rip off snap dragons at 85 mph over and over again.

GMoney said...

The human arm isn't designed for pitching.

Ladies and gentlemen...CAPTAIN CLICHE!

I love how Cakes is all "everyone should get it done" like Tommy John surgery is the cure to all arm problems. Some of these buttwads have had it done twice. EXPLAIN DAT, PLAYA!

Cakes said...

I was kind of being sarcastic there, G$. OBVZ players shouldn't get surgery on a healthy arm. Give me a little credit.

My new Johnny Cleveland shirt is being delivered today. Can't wait to get home and get it. It's amazing how getting drafted by the Browns will change my opinion of you. WEIRD.

Randall Stevens said...

Cakes is a flake. You can buy his affection for almost nothing. Flakey Cakes.

GMoney said...

Kevin Fritz. That is all.

Anonymous said...

Come on Kevin!!

More kirby stories please

Fritz's Mom