|Trust me! I promise I won't destroy your household!|
Who loves dog posts? YOU love dog posts! I'm really close to unleashing an #ELITE ACEterview, but it's just not ready to be unleashed yet. So the next best thing is OBVS dog post...or the Spurs winning another title. But we can save that for another day.
And since you are all ass holes of varying degree, I know you enjoy hearing stories about my dogs ruining my shit or costing me ridiculous amounts of money...because they are ass holes just like you. So I figured I would give you a countdown of the 5 most valuable things that have been destroyed in my house by my wonderful dogs. And by dogs, I mean my one dog Dexter because he has an alter ego that comes out when human beings aren't around. I imagine that he thinks he is Cujo and needs to infect all of my valuables with RabAIDS.
- Steve Madden Loafers: I know that I posted this on Facebook because Ide made a comment about me owning Steve Madden Loafers...because he is Ide. I loved these shoes. They were the first pair of brown dress shoes that I truly enjoyed wearing. And they were versatile. Jeans, khakis, or dress pants, it didn't matter, they just worked in every situation. But one fateful night, Dexter grabbed my left shoe out of the closet and munched on it for about 5 hours. They were removed from my rotation immediately, but only because Mrs. Ace wouldn't allow me to keep them.
- All of my landscaping: So I bought a house that had a backyard that looked good, but needed some work. So my parents came down and I bought all kinds of mums and hydrangeas and whatever kind of plants that you plant to look good and come up every year. Dexter had other ideas and dug up every single fucking bulb that I planted. I have no more mums on my premises. He dug everything up and ate them because he is an ass hole with an impervious stomach, except corn cobs...which I'm sure who would have worked out himself without me taking him to the Vet.
- My couches: I have no idea why I trusted this dog to relax in my house while I wasn't home for 8 hours...but I did. So Dexter decided that the sofa in my living roof would be the place that he would like to sleep. Fair enough, that shit was super comfortable. But while he was laying on it he chewed the edges of every cushion in my fucking house. Okay, lesson learned. So I moved Dexter to the Florida room at my house. However, I had a futon in that room that he also decided to lay on and completely destroy every cushion on it. But that wasn't enough, so he gnawed on the arms and legs of the wooden frame. If he was going to fuck something up he was going to do it right.
- One Million Dog Beds: When I leave in the morning my dogs stay in a bare walk-in closet that has tile floors in my basement. I don't like that that is where they stay, but I had no choice. Dexter has separation anxiety...which means once we leave him somewhere he destroys everything he can for the next 20 minutes and then he passes out because he is an Ide hole. Memory foam dog bed? Torn into a million unrecognizable pieces. Kennel Club dog beds with pink foam? I'm pretty sure he ate the insides. He refuses to have nice things when humans aren't around. And he's fucking proud of it. Like when I get home he walks up to me with the remains in his mouth like it's a trophy.
- A Photo Album: I can't remember if this was a birthday gift or an Anniversary gift, but it was one of those. The first time we ever let Dexter roam free he decided to completely destroy the most emotionally valuable thing that he could. My wife put together a photo album that had pictures from over the course of time that we had been dating up until that point that we got married, so a solid 10 years of memories. Dexter treated that album with only the delicacy that he could; he ate it. Every photo from that album had at least that left corner eaten away from it. He gave no fucks. Junior prom? Lunch time. Senior homecoming? Dinner. I came home to ruins of mine and Mrs. Ace's journey thrown all about my house as if a serial killer was waiting for me around the corner.It's like he wanted to go back to the pound. Which just made me love him even more. I don't care for pictures which is why I try to ruin every single one whenever somebody puts me in front of a camera. Mrs. Ace didn't share my enthusiasm.
I am typing this as my dogs lie next to me passed out, after commenters Lange and Dut(and another unnamed reader) abused my cigar collection with their retardedness....and I still love them just the same. But HOLY FUCK, Dexter destroyed everything valuable in my house outside of electronics. But it also lets me appreciate how awesome my first dog, Mack, is because he has never done anything to make even my top 25. And at 1:00 PM I will be picking up a Foster Dog and introducing his to this pack. It's all worth it in the long run, but never forget that your dog's don't really give a fuck about you unless it involves treats for them.
So please share your dog destruction stories to make me feel better about that amount of money that Dexter has eaten his way through. I also want to take this opportunity to try and organize and Money Shot open. I feel like I have brought this up for the last 3 years but nothing has ever came of it. I think it is an excellent idea, even if you are a horrible golfer(which all of us are), for all of us to get together outside of the Ribfest. So lets figure this shit out today. If there are some weekends that don't for you this summer then put it in the comments. Bu the Money Shot Invitational needs to happen. OBVS G$ is expecting a child at some point...but fuck that guy.