Thursday, May 15, 2014

Dog Post? Dog Post.

Trust me! I promise I won't destroy your household!
Who loves dog posts? YOU love dog posts! I'm really close to unleashing an #ELITE ACEterview, but it's just not ready to be unleashed yet. So the next best thing is OBVS dog post...or the Spurs winning another title. But we can save that for another day.

And since you are all ass holes of varying degree, I know you enjoy hearing stories about my dogs ruining my shit or costing me ridiculous amounts of money...because they are ass holes just like you. So I figured I would give you a countdown of the 5 most valuable things that have been destroyed in my house by my wonderful dogs. And by dogs, I mean my one dog Dexter because he has an alter ego that comes out when human beings aren't around. I imagine that he thinks he is Cujo and needs to infect all of my valuables with RabAIDS.

  1. Steve Madden Loafers: I know that I posted this on Facebook because Ide made a comment about me owning Steve Madden Loafers...because he is Ide. I loved these shoes. They were the first pair of brown dress shoes that I truly enjoyed wearing. And they were versatile. Jeans, khakis, or dress pants, it didn't matter, they just worked in every situation. But one fateful night, Dexter grabbed my left shoe out of the closet and munched on it for about 5 hours. They were removed from my rotation immediately, but only because Mrs. Ace wouldn't allow me to keep them.
  1. All of my landscaping: So I bought a house that had a backyard that looked good, but needed some work. So my parents came down and I bought all kinds of mums and hydrangeas and whatever kind of plants that you plant to look good and come up every year. Dexter had other ideas and dug up every single fucking bulb that I planted. I have no more mums on my premises. He dug everything up and ate them because he is an ass hole with an impervious stomach, except corn cobs...which I'm sure who would have worked out himself without me taking him to the Vet.
  1. My couches: I have no idea why I trusted this dog to relax in my house while I wasn't home for 8 hours...but I did. So Dexter decided that the sofa in my living roof would be the place that he would like to sleep. Fair enough, that shit was super comfortable. But while he was laying on it he chewed the edges of every cushion in my fucking house. Okay, lesson learned. So I moved Dexter to the Florida room at my house. However, I had a futon in that room that he also decided to lay on and completely destroy every cushion on it. But that wasn't enough, so he gnawed on the arms and legs of the wooden frame. If he was going to fuck something up he was going to do it right.
  1. One Million Dog Beds: When I leave in the morning my dogs stay in a bare walk-in closet that has tile floors in my basement. I don't like that that is where they stay, but I had no choice. Dexter has separation anxiety...which means once we leave him somewhere he destroys everything he can for the next 20 minutes and then he passes out because he is an Ide hole. Memory foam dog bed? Torn into a million unrecognizable pieces. Kennel Club dog beds with pink foam? I'm pretty sure he ate the insides. He refuses to have nice things when humans aren't around. And he's fucking proud of it. Like when I get home he walks up to me with the remains in his mouth like it's a trophy.
  1. A Photo Album: I can't remember if this was a birthday gift or an Anniversary gift, but it was one of those. The first time we ever let Dexter roam free he decided to completely destroy the most emotionally valuable thing that he could. My wife put together a photo album that had pictures from over the course of time that we had been dating up until that point that we got married, so a solid 10 years of memories. Dexter treated that album with only the delicacy that he could; he ate it. Every photo from that album had at least that left corner eaten away from it. He gave no fucks. Junior prom? Lunch time. Senior homecoming? Dinner. I came home to ruins of mine and Mrs. Ace's journey thrown all about my house as if a serial killer was waiting for me around the corner.It's like he wanted to go back to the pound. Which just made me love him even more. I don't care for pictures which is why I try to ruin every single one whenever somebody puts me in front of a camera. Mrs. Ace didn't share my enthusiasm.

I am typing this as my dogs lie next to me passed out, after commenters Lange and Dut(and another unnamed reader) abused my cigar collection with their retardedness....and I still love them just the same. But HOLY FUCK, Dexter destroyed everything valuable in my house outside of electronics. But it also lets me appreciate how awesome my first dog, Mack, is because he has never done anything to make even my top 25. And at 1:00 PM I will be picking up a Foster Dog and introducing his to this pack. It's all worth it in the long run, but never forget that your dog's don't really give a fuck about you unless it involves treats for them.


So please share your dog destruction stories to make me feel better about that amount of money that Dexter has eaten his way through. I also want to take this opportunity to try and organize and Money Shot open. I feel like I have brought this up for the last 3 years but nothing has ever came of it. I think it is an excellent idea, even if you are a horrible golfer(which all of us are), for all of us to get together outside of the Ribfest. So lets figure this shit out today. If there are some weekends that don't for you this summer then put it in the comments. Bu the Money Shot Invitational needs to happen. OBVS G$ is expecting a child at some point...but fuck that guy.

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have been named dropped in every post this week. Emotional times.

My dog was adept at tearing up the carpeting near doorways. Apparently, he didn't know or care about the difference between dirt and flooring. So my parents had to recarpet everything.

The only other thing was my backpack. I didn't realize he did it until I got to school and everything fell out. Hilarious now, but I wanted murder.

Ide

GMoney said...

What the hell is a Florida Room? Do you have big murals of Urban Meyer losing to Lloyd Carr on the walls?

My dog doesn't really destroy anything because he respects my authorit-ah. Plus, he's back to barking at black people again. Great dog.

I'm sure that a third dog is just what you need.

I'm all for a golf outing--you know this--but as you said, it could be tricky for me to give a firm confirmation. That is why I'm proposing a Money Shot babysitting classic where you have to raise my future kid for a day or ten.

I'm intrigued by this "unnamed reader". I must know.

Anonymous said...

You probably wouldn't have any issues if you have your dogs year round heartworm pills.

Nothing is really coming to mind with my two dogs except Luke (who is a 12 year old lab) seems to always forget that he is potty trained while we go on vacation.

Also, we have hair everywhere and it's impossible to get rid of.

Larry

GMoney said...

Oh man, dog hair is worse than AIDS. We watched my parents retriever like a year ago and I still find random hair in the house to this day. Once it is in, it's in 4 Lyf.

Mr. Ace said...

We just bought some super air filtration thing and it's pretty fucking awesome. I don't know how it works, but when I vacuum I only pick up about half of the hair that I used to. Solid investment.

Man up, G$. This golf thing is happening and Mini Money (your kids nickname forever) ain't stopping it.

I forgot about Dexter chewing up my fairly expensive rug. The worst.

We have a strong pack, G$. Another dog will fit right in...and hopefully be gone in less than a month.

Anonymous said...

My dogs have never really destroyed anything either. Shocker that Ape's have behavioral issues.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Whoa whoa whoa. My dogs are model citizens. Dexter just happens to have some anxiety issues when we leave him. And he did all of this damage within the first month we got him. He's a real charmer.

Cakes said...

First off... MONEY SHOT OPEN! Let's make it happen. I've already been out several times this year and am chomping at the bit to play whenever possible.

My dog ate two pairs of glasses and my cell phone about 5 years ago. Then he never ate anything again. It's a real mind fuck. It's almost like he wanted me to know he was capable of doing bad things at any time. I feel like I'm living with a dog sleeper cell.

GMoney said...

My dog is a real model citizen...EXCEPT WHEN HE ISN'T!

I'm a big fan of my dog every once in awhile getting She$ up in the middle of the night acting like he has to go out. She opens the back door so he can go. Instead, he just turns around and goes back up to bed. He is just showing who has the control and I LOL hard.

It would be really amusing (and something my uncle might have actually done) to have it be delivery day and then leave 40 minutes later because I have a tee time with you fudge packers. It would really solidify my ELITE position in life.

Mr. Ace said...

Alright fuckers. June 28th. Who is in? Is the weekend before the 4th so nobody has anything going on that weekend.

Cakes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cakes said...

June 28th works for me.

Jeff said...

My dogs don't ruin much except some piss spots on the carpet.

I'm in for the Money Shot Masters.

Prime99 said...

/writes post about dog destroying lots of stuff.

/says dog is model citizen.

Ape logic, bros.

GMoney said...

That's the day after Nap RibFest!

I might be able to make this date work. Might even be able to make it twerk.

Anyone else on dog overload from all of Ape's posts? I mean, come on, how about a little variety?

Mr. Ace said...

My dog got out of doggie jail and tore shit up. HE'S A PRODUCT OF HIS ENVIRONMENT! He is rehabilitated and doing his best to contribute to society! Gosh.

3 in for the Money Shot Invitational/Masters/Open!

Mr. Ace said...

4 in!

Yeah.....I couldn't figure out what to post about. I was going to type it up at work yesterday but some ppl don't like to show up to there jobs so NO BREAK FOR ME. So I sat there at midnight and cranked out this beauty.

And it was bros night last night. Can't miss bros night.

Anonymous said...

Dogs from breeders don't tear shit up. Only rescue dogs.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I will be in Naptown for Ribfest on Friday night so unless we are talking an early afternoon tee time, count me out Mr. Belding.

How about we include a Clippers game that night? We could all test our fastballs on the speed pitch. Don't know if they are in town or not though.

-Damman

-Damman

Mr. Ace said...

If Cakes is making that drive then we are probably talking about an early afternoon tee time. SO YOU'RE STILL IN BRAH!

GMoney said...

Golf and the Clips? If there is an old pro wrestler signing autographs that night, I am soooooo in. I think that we're due for Roddy Piper.

No big deal...Blogger's Block has killed many men better than you.

GMoney said...

Never mind...goddamn Clips are in Toledo that weekend.

"What about the Crew?"--no one who is welcome here

Anonymous said...

Set up a MoneyShot N64 tournament and I might come out of the woodwork.

Ide

GMoney said...

In other words, don't set that up and keep him in the woodwork.

Anonymous said...

Out for golf but let's talk more about this N64 tournament

Larry

GMoney said...

I will only attend an N64 Tournament if it is held in Ape's Florida Room AND if Dut's "exclusive" is there.

Mr. Ace said...

I heard Duts exclusive got extra exclusive this weekend in NYC.

GMoney said...

I see. It's nice that he introduced her to his uncle. All class.

Cakes said...

I can make the drive on that Saturday AM or come down the night before if you want to tee off earlier. Maybe I should just drive down in the AM. We all saw what happened when I got to Columbus the night before a TMS event last time.

Cakes said...

Miles Austin huh?

Randall Stevens said...

Who needs josh Gordon? We have miles Austin! Where's my gun?

GMoney said...

I think that you guys already know this but just in case...Miles Austin is fucking terrible. I'd rather have Brian Robiskie.

Anonymous said...

He's a Buke guy.

Ide

Randall Stevens said...

In case the Austin signing wasn't dumb enough for you guys there are reports circulating that the Browns offered both 2015 first round picks to the Texans for Andre Johnson. Nothin to see here folks! Just the Browns being the Browns!

GMoney said...

Why do you need Andre Johnson for an incredibly awful price when you have EARL GODDAMN BENNETT!!!

Seriously, if anyone thinks that 2014 Andre Johnson is better than Sammy Watkins, please die.

Randall Stevens said...

June 28th is out for me for the Moneyshot golf outing. I have to redecorate my Florida room. But I really am busy that day.

And about this N64 tourney.......

GMoney said...

Florida Room = attic

Randall Stevens said...

Attic = fucking never.

Anonymous said...

My dogs bark at the blacks and are trained to attack colored people too

Donald Sterling

Anonymous said...

"and another unnamed reader"

Congrats on getting me to make my first comment.