Thursday, May 08, 2014

Do You Even Garden, BRO?

This is what I get for googling "NFL Draft Boobs"

Yeah, I'm bringing veggies back. I put that shit up in my lettuce wrap. If you're just hatin' better watch your back. So just accept the fact that you are wack. WHO JUST FUCKING KILLED A JT COVER ABOUT VEGGIE GARDENS? MR. ACE, FUCKERS. But for reals for reals, I just had a serious weekend full of gardening and I wanted to share some suggestions with you, my friends.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! I'm a real piece of shit sometimes, but I'm not that bad. Lets not pretend like there is anything else in sports going on right now that doesn't take the focus away from the NFL draft. Tonight is #Murica's draft, motherfucker, and there is nothing Rep Lil Strut and his Chinese lobbyists can do about it. For the majority of you queermos, this is the Super Bowl. The only time when you can proclaim victory because nobody really knows how well they did or if they just drafted the next Rae Carruth.

So today I decided to dig back through the draft results from the last 3 years and see which teams have done the best. But I am lazy and a strong representative of the Money Shot Maniacs, so I only looked up the results for teams that loyal members/FagNasties care about. My theory is that if we look back on the last three years of 1st round draft picks, the success of those picks will be a direct reflections of the teams Win/Loss record. And I'm way smarter than you, so it will probable be true.

8. Cleveland Browns
Barkevious Mingo: Started 3 games. Not nearly as productive as Browns fans would like you to believe. Also almost died.
Brandon Weeden/Trent Richardson: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Phil Taylor: The perfect DT/Space Eater that defense needs.

We will see what Mingo is able to do this year, but he will need to step up to make the #6 worth it last year. OBVS 2012 was completely fucking terrible. Phil Taylor has been everything they have asked. The Browns are horrible at everything other than losing.

7. Chicago Bears
Kyle Long: Probably the best rookie O lineman last year.
Shea McClellin: He's a white guy, named Shea, from Boise St. How the fuck did you expect that 1st round pick to turn out?
Gabe Carimi: GONE.

This doesn't bode well for the Bears this year.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers
Jarvis Jones: Meh. He was a giant question mark coming out last year and I still don't think he will pan out.
David DeCastro: Started 15 games last year, seems like he will prove himself this year.
Cameron Heyward: Finally came on with some production last year...still don't know if he will be around much longer.

The Steelers have been falling off for a reason.

5. Washington Redskins
(Traded 2013 draft pick for RG3)
Ryan Kerrigan: Great draft pick who has started every game. He's been overshadowed by Orakpo, but he is every bit as good...and healthy.

I'm still not sold on RG3. He's gay, is a bad leader, and is a black QB. That doesn't seem like a recipe for a winner. Kerrigan has been really good, but RG3 is a coach killer and a butt hole driller.

4. Philadelphia Eagles
Lane Johnson:  EAGLES SPENT THE #4 ON A RIGHT TACKLE OMFG!!! He started all 16 games and is well on his way to being with the Eagles forever.
Fletcher Cox: Started 25 games in two years. Sack production dropped off last year, but he was able to eat space and be a strong player in the run defense.
Danny Watkins: This was the pick that got Andy Reid fired. Pretty sure he is already out of the league.

Cox and Johnson will be Eagles for a long time...two out of three ain't bad.

3. Buffalo Bills
EJ Manuel: I don't know, man. I don't trust him. I don't trust his coach. The Bills aren't meant to have a good QB.
Stephon Gilmore: Production fell off and a couple injuries held him out of a few games.
Marcel Dareus: Put together a Pro Bowl season last year.

Again, I'm not sold on Manuel, but with these picks it seems like the Bills are on the right track.

2. Atlanta Falcons
Desmond Trufant: Started every game last year as a rookie. Can't ask for much more than that.
(Traded 2012 pick)
Julio Jones: Seems like a stud in the making.

As long as Julio stays healthy this team is headed in the right direction.

1. Detroit Lions
Ezekiel Ansah: Started 12 games last year
Riley Reiff: Started 24 games last 2 years
Nick Fairley: Started 22 games last 3 years

Ansah was really productive for a guy who I thought would take another year or 2 to get adjusted to the NFL. Reiff has been exactly what the Lions wanted him to be. And Fairley had his best year last year...but I'm not convinced he will keep that up this year.

These rankings are so spot on that I don't expect any comments, outside of congratulations on my dominance, in the comments section today #KiltIt. Some great investigative journalism done by myself right here. On Friday the Eagles will be firmly planted at #1.You're Welcome. But please feel free to argue your teams place on this list. Except for you, Browns fans. Nobody wants to hear that shit.


Anonymous said...

Reiff is really good.

Ansah was much better than I anticipated him being, even with missing a few games due to injury.

Fairley can play like a top 5 DT in the game, but he can also vanish/get arrested. Odd that the Lions didn't pick up his option for next year and are making this year hsi contract year for motivation.

I believe Cam Heyward just signed a pretty nice extension with the Steelers, so I don't think he's gonna be leaving the game any time soon.

I hope the Lions draft Dennard tonight, but probably hope the most that they don't trade up and give a ton away to do so. I think after the top 4 all of the players in the next 10 or so are pretty interchangeable. It'd be hard to mess up. LOLZ @ whomever drafts Lewan (better not be the Lions).


Mr. Ace said...

Yeah, I wasn't going to look up contracts for all these clowns. But with this new information I predict Heyward to be awful this year.

Looking at those draft results for the Lions, Schwartz is a terrible coach. They better make the fucking playoffs this year.

Mr. Ace said...

Whoever gets Lewan is getting a solid tackle for the next decade. Not sure why the LOLZ. He's the best tackle in the draft right now.

GMoney said...

You like what the Bills have done? Did you ignore Dareus getting nailed with a ton of hardcore drugs earlier this week?

Kerrigan and Griff...that's how you build a dynasty.

Herm was shuckin' and jivin' on Fatso & The Fag this morning and was trying to tell the Browns to trade #26 for Cousins. HIRE HIM NOW, BROWNS!

You still shouldn't be drafting a RT in the first round. Much like you shouldn't draft a kicker or punter ever. By the way, at the time of the Lane Johnson pick, your QB was a lefty so at least that was justifiable. Try again.

I DVR'ed Mayock's Mock Draft last night because I am ELITE. OMG if the Cowboys draft Johnny Football!!!

MUDawgfan said...

Ace is Lewan really better than Matthews?

Matthews was all conference as a RT in 2012 (when Joekel was the LT) and then all conference as an LT in 2013.

He seems like the surest bet in the whole damn draft.

Mr. Ace said...

Hardcore drugs=ELITE production and character. See Michael Irvin.

Lane Johnson will be playing RT this year with a right handed QB. Count it.

Lewan has been a LT for four straight years. He owned Clowney in the bowl game. Maybe Matthews is just as good, but my boy Kiper has been saying Lewan was the best OT in the draft since day one.

Only the Browns could get fleeced by the Redskins. Good call, Herm. He was extra shucky and jivey today.

Jeff said...

Jarvis has been meh, but he played in the SEC goddammit!!! Hopefully a coming out party for him this year (not the Michael Sam type).

Decastro has been solid, but that shithead took out Pouncey last year. Line should be improved this year with a healthy Pouncey and experienced Decastro.

Cam is starting to play well. They really took their time getting him involved (not ok for a 1st rounder), hopefully worth the wait.

LOLZ at you DVRing the Mayock special. Figured you would wait til the middle of the night to watch that with a bottle of lotion and a box of tissues.

Anonymous said...

Lewan has gotten beat by True Freshmen OSU DE's the last two years for sacks and he behaves like Incognito 2.0. Lots of LOLZ for whomever drafts that douchebag.


GMoney said...

Herm definitely sounded like he was on the sizzurp or maybe someone spiked his grape soda.

The Skins always fleece the Browns on trades. May I present the case of Mike Oliphant for Earnest Byner?

Don't forget that we can also PWN the Jags. We are the reason that they ended up with Blaine Gabbert!

I think that it is in the NFL by-laws for the Steelers to have a bad OL. And does it really surprise you that I would do that? It shouldn't. I am not ashamed!

GMoney said...

I also would not want to draft a man named Taylor. That's a pretty soft first name. And his last name is a tribute to the gayest Big Brother contestant ever (even gayer than Gay Buke). RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE.

Mr. Ace said...

Not saying he isn't a douchebag. BUT PLAYERS LOVE DOUCHEBAGS LIKE INCOGNITO. That only makes him a better draft pick. And those are probably the only two sacks he has given up in the last two years.

Jeff said...

Not surprising at all. When I heard he was doing a mock special I was going to text you to ask if you had your DVR set, but I already knew the answer. You did! I do like Mayock and his taeks, also. Too bad he gets the call on the shitty Thursday night games. Hopefully they're better this year, I haven't looked at the schedule.

GMoney said...

You know, I actually kind of like his homo lisp. I'm not sure why (no homo obvz) but it works for him.

Anonymous said...

I have decided to take my HOT TAKES to Radio City Music Hall tonight. That's three years this blog has had a beat reporter live and in person and G$ still won't get him press credentials. He is gay for Mayock.


GMoney said...

The Shield just doesn't respect us. I figured if you spend a few hours crackin' wise on Michael Sam, someone will let you get on stage.

As if I need to remind you, but don't forget to boo the shit out of whoever the Jets take.

Anonymous said...

That strictly depends on how many Jets fans are in proximity and how black they are. You weren't on twitter last year for my live takes. Reference that.


Grumpy said...

Who is the Bills fan?

Randall Stevens said...

If you hear Michael Sam's name being shouted during a Rog Goodell pause know who it was.

I have no comment on this list because it was dumb and poorly constructed. You said the Bills had the 3rd best combined draft of any team in the last 3 years. I can't take you seriously.

Totally off subject. Steven Adams from the Thunder is so God damn fun to watch. That dude has gotten something like 5 guys ejected this year. He pisses guys off so much they can't help but jack him in the face and he just takes it with no reaction. Blake Griffin will get at least T'ed up or ejected in one of these games before it's over because of Adams. He already laid the groundwork last night.

Anonymous said...

Noted white American Commenter Dan is the Bills fan.

Mr. Ace said...

You have no comment....yet have a comment...and don't back it up. Ahh, the Randy Steve way.

Yes, Daniel is the Bills fan.

FUCK YEAH, IDE. Get a Donald Sterling chant started too.

GMoney said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: if Browns fans knew anything about football then they wouldn't be Browns fans. Rando proves this every time that we talk about America's game.

Randall Stevens said...

Oh. I'm sorry. I was under the impression the Bills as the 3rd best in the draft per this list being a joke was self explanatory.

You didn't say a single positive thing about two of the three guys you mentioned as to why the Bills drafts were so solid. So they were third on your list...but 66% of the guys you mentioned are questionable or bad players. You're right!! I was so wrong to criticize! Continue on, please.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at the idea that Lewan has only given up 2 sacks in the last two years and they were to 18 yr old Buckeyes. What a beast!


GMoney said...

News flush, moron, we all root for garbage teams (yes, even the Steelers currently). Just consider the Bills "fifth worst" instead of third best.

GMoney said...

Other than Lewan, Shazier, Roby, and Mewhort, what other Ohio Fuckeyes/WE ONers should I be looking out for this weekend.

I mean, these schools aren't really known for having ELITE talent recently.

Randall Stevens said...

Maybe if the Bills had Rich Gannon I would be easier on them.

Cakes said...

Mingo definitely could've been better but he showed flashes. Hopefully he ate ALL THE FOOD this offseason and packed on some lb's. He has a chance to be good. I haven't given up.

Can't argue the RIchardson/Weeden picks. Those draft choices were so Cleveland it hurt.

Mr. Ace said...

The Gilmore kid has started 25 of 27 games the past two years...and was out for 5 obvs. #FACTS. So now that you know that they are totes 3rd best, right?

And I'm saying the Bills have gotten the 3rd best production out of their first round picks in the last 3 years. Not in the NFL, but of your terrible teams and my ELITE team. Glad we got that cleared up.

For Michigan our other OT Scofield will probably be drafted in the first 3 rounds and Jeremy Gallon will go somewhere in the middle. I dunno about anybody else.

Anonymous said...

G$....Hyde is gonna slap you for forgetting him.


GMoney said...

RBs aren't real people. Scum of the earth IMO. Except for Travis Prentice obviously.

I love how Ape weighs "starts" as the most important thing. If you were confused by how I judge ELITEness, it still makes more sense than judging draft success based on health.

Mr. Ace said...

I did starters because that shows that the teams are filling in gaps, and thus are drafting well and addressing needs. Your 1st round pick should start at least 8 games as a rookie. And HERM said you should draft 3 starters every draft and that sounds like ironclad logic to me.

Prime99 said...

The Bears draft three consecutive white players in the first round, but get hate. Ape is racist.

GMoney said...

But you cut one of those whites already! Racist organization!

Prime99 said...

Probably cut him on the MLKJr holiday.

Tonya said...

Ummmm.... slightly offended.

GMoney said...

TONYA!!! I thought that you were dead or at least some creepy guy's basement sex slave that he forgot about.