|This is what I get for googling "NFL Draft Boobs"|
Yeah, I'm bringing veggies back. I put that shit up in my lettuce wrap. If you're just hatin' better watch your back. So just accept the fact that you are wack. WHO JUST FUCKING KILLED A JT COVER ABOUT VEGGIE GARDENS? MR. ACE, FUCKERS. But for reals for reals, I just had a serious weekend full of gardening and I wanted to share some suggestions with you, my friends.
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! I'm a real piece of shit sometimes, but I'm not that bad. Lets not pretend like there is anything else in sports going on right now that doesn't take the focus away from the NFL draft. Tonight is #Murica's draft, motherfucker, and there is nothing Rep Lil Strut and his Chinese lobbyists can do about it. For the majority of you queermos, this is the Super Bowl. The only time when you can proclaim victory because nobody really knows how well they did or if they just drafted the next Rae Carruth.
So today I decided to dig back through the draft results from the last 3 years and see which teams have done the best. But I am lazy and a strong representative of the Money Shot Maniacs, so I only looked up the results for teams that loyal members/FagNasties care about. My theory is that if we look back on the last three years of 1st round draft picks, the success of those picks will be a direct reflections of the teams Win/Loss record. And I'm way smarter than you, so it will probable be true.
8. Cleveland Browns
Barkevious Mingo: Started 3 games. Not nearly as productive as Browns fans would like you to believe. Also almost died.
Brandon Weeden/Trent Richardson: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Phil Taylor: The perfect DT/Space Eater that defense needs.
We will see what Mingo is able to do this year, but he will need to step up to make the #6 worth it last year. OBVS 2012 was completely fucking terrible. Phil Taylor has been everything they have asked. The Browns are horrible at everything other than losing.
Kyle Long: Probably the best rookie O lineman last year.
Shea McClellin: He's a white guy, named Shea, from Boise St. How the fuck did you expect that 1st round pick to turn out?
Gabe Carimi: GONE.
This doesn't bode well for the Bears this year.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers
Jarvis Jones: Meh. He was a giant question mark coming out last year and I still don't think he will pan out.
David DeCastro: Started 15 games last year, seems like he will prove himself this year.
Cameron Heyward: Finally came on with some production last year...still don't know if he will be around much longer.
The Steelers have been falling off for a reason.
5. Washington Redskins
(Traded 2013 draft pick for RG3)
Ryan Kerrigan: Great draft pick who has started every game. He's been overshadowed by Orakpo, but he is every bit as good...and healthy.
I'm still not sold on RG3. He's gay, is a bad leader, and is a black QB. That doesn't seem like a recipe for a winner. Kerrigan has been really good, but RG3 is a coach killer and a butt hole driller.
4. Philadelphia Eagles
Lane Johnson: EAGLES SPENT THE #4 ON A RIGHT TACKLE OMFG!!! He started all 16 games and is well on his way to being with the Eagles forever.
Fletcher Cox: Started 25 games in two years. Sack production dropped off last year, but he was able to eat space and be a strong player in the run defense.
Danny Watkins: This was the pick that got Andy Reid fired. Pretty sure he is already out of the league.
Cox and Johnson will be Eagles for a long time...two out of three ain't bad.
3. Buffalo Bills
EJ Manuel: I don't know, man. I don't trust him. I don't trust his coach. The Bills aren't meant to have a good QB.
Stephon Gilmore: Production fell off and a couple injuries held him out of a few games.
Marcel Dareus: Put together a Pro Bowl season last year.
Again, I'm not sold on Manuel, but with these picks it seems like the Bills are on the right track.
2. Atlanta Falcons
Desmond Trufant: Started every game last year as a rookie. Can't ask for much more than that.
(Traded 2012 pick)
Julio Jones: Seems like a stud in the making.
As long as Julio stays healthy this team is headed in the right direction.
1. Detroit Lions
Ezekiel Ansah: Started 12 games last year
Riley Reiff: Started 24 games last 2 years
Nick Fairley: Started 22 games last 3 years
Ansah was really productive for a guy who I thought would take another year or 2 to get adjusted to the NFL. Reiff has been exactly what the Lions wanted him to be. And Fairley had his best year last year...but I'm not convinced he will keep that up this year.
These rankings are so spot on that I don't expect any comments, outside of congratulations on my dominance, in the comments section today #KiltIt. Some great investigative journalism done by myself right here. On Friday the Eagles will be firmly planted at #1.You're Welcome. But please feel free to argue your teams place on this list. Except for you, Browns fans. Nobody wants to hear that shit.