Friday, May 30, 2014

Chillin' Like A Villain

Mind if I blow you, sir?
The word “villain” gets tossed around a lot these days in the sports world and I’m not sure that it truly applies in most circumstances. Even if he has proven to be a horrible husband, people still love Tiger Woods. LeBron was temporarily a villain after The Decision but everyone’s stance on him has softened (I know from experience, dude). The US World Cup team might qualify but no one that matters cares about them. The point of the villain is that everyone has to hate you. Well, outside of your own fan base. Total strangers have to want to watch you die as opposed to watch you compete one more time. Lance Stephenson can keep doing whatever it is that he is trying to do but it isn’t working and amounts to nothing more than an average troll job with homoerotic tendencies. He’s got the first name to match with the ear blowing for sure. Evan Turner was called “The Villain” by Titus and watching him destroy the Pacers might make his moniker accurate actually.  Either way, it's time to identify the real shitbirds of the sports world.

So who are the biggest true villains of the past—I don’t know—30 years? I was able to piece together a Mount Rushmore(!) on this actually so you know that this is ELITE. I’ve come up with four categories: Owner, Coach, Player, and Team.

OWNER: Donald Sterling – OBVZ. I’m kind of hoping that he goes with the scorched earf mentality here. I don’t want him to lay down his sword. I want him to go all Braveheart on the PC Police. It was disheartening to hear that his wife was going to accept offers this week. But I was pumped to hear that Big Don changed his mind and now wants to fight to the literal death. THIS MAN is truly hated by all.

COACH: Urban Meyer – Oh yeah, total shithead that nobody likes or respects. The easiest coach to root against out there. I think that it speaks volumes that Florida fans despise him.  Nicky SabeCakes might be close but he actually has a winning record against Clemson (no idea if hes ever even faced them).

PLAYER: Alex Rodriguez – Does anyone else even come close? He cheated. He lied. He lied some more. He kept cheating. He could have went down as the greatest baseball to ever live. Now, not only do opposing fans hate him but I would guess that 99% of Yankees fans loathe him, too (NOT ME!!!). The best part about A-Rod is how dumb he is. When he comes back, he will get the shit booed out of him and then say after the game that it was great to get back out there and play in front of these great fans. He is totally oblivious to reality.

TEAM: The U – It was either them or The Bad Boys. Both teams truly embraced the role of the villain and gave no fucks about what you thought of them. They were brash. They played dirty. They fought. I will give The Bad Boys a little credit because they worked hard and busted their asses every night. The U didn’t do that. They relied on talent and swag. Those Canes teams should have won at least 5 titles in a row. They barely won any. Let’s not forget that Jerry Sandusky’s finest coaching moment (outside of watching Mike McQueery shower) was upsetting The U when they showed up to the Fiesta Bowl in fatigues (chronologically, this might not be accurate…DEAL WITH IT).

So there we go. My Mount Rushmore of ELITE Sports Villains is truly ELITE. You won’t find one decent person who tries to argue against this. Now if you don’t mind, I need to spend all weekend figuring out how I can photoshop Lance Stephenson blowing into the ear of centaur A-Rod. I’ve got big plans as you can see.

33 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

I enjoy Lance Stephenson and bet he is a foreplay maven.

Am I the only one who can't fucking stand Russell Westbrook? Everything about him is awful. He pouts when things aren't going his way. He shucks and jives when they are. He is dirty as fuck. He is easily my least favorite player.

Anonymous said...

Your bias against Urb is laughable. Nick Saban is more hated by a lot more college football fans. But I'll take your obsession with Urb as a complement to his greatness.

-Damman

GMoney said...

It's been awhile since we've taken a stand against 0-2 Urban Meyer. That must change.

Until SabeCakes fakes his own death to get out of a job and then be miraculously cured a year later, he is more of a villain than Nicky.

Westbrook's greatest crime against humanity is endorsing the Flatizza.

Anonymous said...

Def surprised to not see Calipari the coach on this list...

Seal

GMoney said...

I spent about 4 seconds on research on this. I would also rather watch Calipari win the next ten titles than see Urban Meyer ever win another game. Just like the rest of America.

Jeff said...

Sabecakes beat Clemson in 2008, but that was part of the Tommy Bowden era.

COACH: John Calipari. He's cheated everywhere, had banners taken down, looks like a sweaty used car salesmen, yet most of the media sucks him off as the great recruiter/coach, but fails to mention that hes a HABITUAL CHEATER.

Anonymous said...

Barry Switzer is the epitome of villainous coaches in recent memory. The late 90's Knicks teams w/ Starks, Mason, Oakley, Ewing come to mind as a universally hated team...Joey Belle should probably also get a shout out on any sports villain list.

Burke

Grumpy said...

Your limiting it to the last 30 years is discriminatory and insulting.

T. Iceman said...

I bet Grumpy's list includes Ty Cobb since he was the only one here who say him play.

This topic is good but I'm not sure if I can narrow it down to just 4 I hate. Since the NBA is going on I'll just do that.

Sterling
Doc Rivers
Anderson Varejao
Indiana Pacers

GMoney said...

Actually, Bobby Petrino could possibly land the title of most villainous coach. Everyone hates that asshole.

Until Saban or Calipari breed a serial killer AND Timmy Tens (that is quite the spectrum), Urban takes the Cakes.

Grumpy said...

Ohio U. fans are the worst. Inbred Appalachian scum whose only connection to the university is that they once took a dump in Athens. Sort of like Iceman and Michigan.

Marshall fans are a close second. 66-6!

GMoney said...

This is wildly unrelated but I wanted to throw it out there anyway to see who else agrees with me:

I have no idea who Maya Angelou is and why she is famous. You know what, I don't care either. Was she like Oprah or something?

T. Iceman said...

I'm with ya, G$. I said out loud when I saw Angelou died, "wasn't that broad like a musician or something?" Then Wheelz started telling me who she actually was and I cut her off with "Yeah, I really don't give a shit."

Anonymous said...

What the fuck type of schools did you guys go to that you don't know who Maya Angelou is? I mean...I couldn't tell you a single poem she wrote, but I don't know how you can be a high school graduate and know who she is.

Everyone is going to just pick their most hated for biggest villain.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I think she is some black author. I've seen her face on books in the windows of malls/Barnes and Noble. But never cared enough to figure out what anyone in a dashiki does.

Owner has to go to Art Modell or maybe Marge Schott. Stop beating on Sterling because he's current.

Ide

GMoney said...

Hmmmm...Art and Marge could make a strong case indeed. Marge more so than Art because Baltimore loves him forever. I don't think that Marge was ever voted the most hated person in America though. I don't know why anyone hate Modell to be honest. He gave everyone an out to stop supporting shitty football in NE Ohio.

Drew, I don't get why a poet is so famous and beloved. Poetry? Come on, bruh. Or maybe Rosa Parks just ruined older black women for all of us.

Cakes said...

OSU hate.... YAWN. He'll definitely belong on the list when he's holding the crystal football in January.

I absolutely agree with Grumpy about Marshall fans. I almost got in to TWO fights with them the last time they got their ass kicked at the Doyt. This is crazy because I'm a lover and not a fighter.

Anonymous said...

Does an NHS freshmen girls basketball coach from the late 90's qualify?

GMoney said...

Well, yeah, a villain probably would steal a trophy that someone else earned. It's just like Shooter McGavin stealing the gold jacket.

Urban Meyer can't even win a game anymore. FACT.

For the life of me, I can't put a face or name to that girls hoops coach.

Anonymous said...

He also spent a lot of time at Toledo area strip clubs on random Thursday mornings

T. Iceman said...

MB. I think he coached some gridiron too.

POETRY!! LOL!!! Even more happy I have no idea who that lady is.

GMoney said...

I think that those sexual harassment complaints against the strip club aficionado were proven to be bogus. Damn dykes.

T. Iceman said...

Speaking of villains...it's the 3 year anniversary of Jim Tressel getting caught cheating! Cheers, everyone!

GMoney said...

This is your afternoon reminder that Urban Meyer has a 2 game losing streak and has won nothing at Ohio Buckeyes.

GMoney said...

Iceman, I feel the need to correct you on that. It isn't the third anniversary of Tress cheating because he cheated ever since the first time he blew into a whistle.

It's the third year anniversary of him running out of lies and excuses and finally sort of accepting blame for being a liar and a cheat and a liar again.

Anonymous said...

Let's not forget the post you wrote about 6 months ago begging & pleading for Tress to coach in Oxford

Burke

T. Iceman said...

I said the anniversary of him getting CAUGHT cheating. We all know he's always been a cheat.

GMoney said...

I remember well. But we got someone who is better. Tress isn't man enough to coach at a place with a newly minted BRAH statue. That is a FACT!

T. Iceman said...

I threw something up on Facebook so we never forget. The best part is Cakes advising Damman not to get sucked in...then ignoring his own advice. Love me some Fuckeye fans.

Cakes said...

The bitching and moaning over a couple tattoos and autographs is hilarious. Keep it up! It's really helping my Friday move along.

GMoney said...

It's been three years and Cakes still doesn't understand why Tressel and Ohio Buckeyes were punished. This will never stop being funny to me.

The action was stupid but the unlimited lies and attempt to cover-up is what did everyone in. One day, maybe you will understand this.

Jeff said...

Remember when Michigan covered up that RAPE?

GMoney said...

Oh yeah! Somehow that pumped up Taylor Lewan's draft stock!

Never forget that TP took all that money in order to keep the heat on in Jeanette, PA.