Friday, May 16, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: LEBRON AND CALIPARI COMING TO CLEVELAND, YO!

I fucked your mom, Bron. 
If today’s post doesn’t bring back Seal then nothing ever will. As we all know, the Cavaliers fired Mike Brown again earlier this week less than one year after signing him to a 5 year/20 million dollar contract. I remember trying to justify it at the time but I think that deep down I knew that it would fail again. Just a reminder, Brown was the only person interviewed for the job because the Cavs are very well run. So, no-longer-interim GM David Griffin’s first act as real GM was to get rid of the problem. Sure, it looks bad to do this (Hi, Browns!) but it had to be done. Pull the plug. I’m sure that Mike Brown is a good guy and all that, but he isn’t head coach material and you can see it just by looking at him.

Anyway, now the Cavs are searching for the 400th coach in the last 3 years. With Dan Gilbert in charge, you never know what is going to happen next other than it will be absurd…then it will fail…then we will try something even more asinine…until we settle on the uninspiring. I would like to submit as evidence all of those times that we tried to land Phil Jackson as well as the Tom Izzo flirting. Those home run swings lead to the ultimate ground ball to shortstop AKA Byron Scott. But we’re back up to the plate now and looking for all the gold INTENSITY star-stickers. Who is this year’s golden goose?

Apparently, it’s John Calipari!

On Wednesday, Cal did an interview with the Plain Dealer and talked about how much he wants to coach LeBron at some point. First of all, why is he talking to the Cleveland media? That would be like Steve Spurrier going on the record with the Houston Chronicle. It just doesn’t make sense. Second, this sort of heavily implies that the only path to Cal and Bron joining forces would be on Lake Erie which is TOTES not true. Bron could go up to Pat Riley today and demand that Spo be fired and Cal brought in and he would get his way. Third, I understand why the Cavs would be interested (they were in 2010 after all), but why would Cal think about the Cavs? Well, that might not be THAT far-fetched.

He already did what he set out to accomplish at UK. He won a title coaching HIS way. Big Blue Nation isn’t the most patient or grateful band of rubes either. They’re going to be up his ass every year that he doesn’t win a title. I can see how that would get old. Cal probably also has a bad taste in his mouth from his previous NBA coaching stint with the Nets. These guys are all egomaniacs who are constantly seeking to be called the GOAT. Winning a national title and an NBA title is probably very appealing to Calipari. LOL at going to Cleveland to reach that goal though.

I highly doubt that anything more than what has already been said becomes truth or FACT in regards to the Calipari to the Cavs rumor. I just feel like recruiting is such a gigantic aspect of what makes Calipari who he is that taking it all away and just being an x’s and o’s man does not seem like a smart idea. Unless he has something cooking with LeBron behind closed doors, of course. You know, something similar to how Bosh, Wade, and Bron tampered the shit out of their contracts during the Olympics and agreed to play together. Maybe they’ve agreed to make it work in Cleveland and then win all the titles! Yeah, that’s the ticket! John Calipari is coming to The Q and is leaving the door open for LeBron! It makes ALL THE SENSE!  SUPER BOWL!

Oh who the hell am I kidding. He’s going to turn us down just like everybody does. We will hire Mike D’Antoni (worst coach ever). Kyrie will leave and rightfully so. Dan Gilbert will continue to embarrass. World keeps spinnin’. At least we're still better than the Knicks.  Well, at least "less of a dumpster fire".  I’ll just say it now before he turns us down: FUCK YOU, JOHN CALIPARI!

51 comments:

Grumpy said...

I wasn't able to check in yesterday; I'm still absorbing Ace and Dut smoking cigars in Ace's Florida room with a third party who wishes to remain anonymous. I can see why.

Mr. Ace said...

Don't be jelly, old man.

The Cavs should just go offer Kevin Ollie a bunch of coin and get him out of Connecticut. He won't be there long anyway. Get him now and bring some life back into the franchise. And get a guy that can actually coach. It will totes be someone awful like Vince Del Negro, though.

Anonymous said...

Why won't Kevin Ollie be there long? He's a UConn grad...he definitely could just be a lifer there.

I don't think Calipari would be a good NBA coach at all. I would definitely LOLZ quite a bit if that hire got made.

I like that the Browns revealed that Manziel was texting them at the draft to trade up and draft him...so, they did. Yeah, Hoyer's got a real good chance at starting. Manziel was running the clown show before he was even officially on the team.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Didn't UConn just double Ollie's salary anyway? Not sure why you think he's already out the door of his alma mater.

I am really interested to find out why Cal was talking to the Plain Dealer anyway.

The only way that I would be OK with Cal coaching the Cavs is if it brought back LeBron. GUARANTEED. Otherwise, no thank you.

#realtalk...smart people don't want to work for Dan Gilbert Fonseca.

Mr. Ace said...

From what I remember, wasn't it an issue that UCONN didn't want him but Calhoun made him next in line? Obvs they have changed their tune, but that had to rub him the wrong way. I could be wrong, but he seems like an NBA guy.

Browns being Browns.

Anonymous said...

Cal is not coming to Cleveland. Why? Because his Kentucky team could probably beat our roster of shit right now.

You're right- only way it happens is a cal/Lebron package deal, which has me excited to think about, meaning it will never happen. Good things don't happen in Cleveland sports. Ever.

Seal

GMoney said...

YES! WELCOME BACK, BRO! FUCK YOU, DROOL!

Jeff said...

Seal must want in for the Money Shot Masters

Anonymous said...

I agree about the Cavs shitty roster... Also the reason LeBron will not be coming to Cleveland anytime soon.

- Dave aka "unnamed reader"

Anonymous said...

Lebron will dangle the carrot of him coming back to Cleveland for the next year so...and then he won't. He loves to be the center of attention and to mess the fans of Cleveland because he knows he can.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Testicle

GMoney said...

Ugh...Dave is also a Rando crony, I believe. Not cool.

LeBron dangles the carrot. Gloria swallows those carrots whole.

It does seem like it would be a match made in Hell if Gilbert Fonseca and Calipari married professionally.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Slow Seal popping his head in. Sand box must be too wet to play in this morning after the rain the past couple of days.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Kentucky posts bring all the Seals out.

Dave, who may be an unnamed reader can go back to oblivion. Hot Takes aren't parroted and agreeing with G$ makes you an inherent dick.

Any flag carriers mad at the fact we should be playing for the Stanley Cup? Black employment ibterview level choke jobs by the Bruins and Penguins. Also, fuck Kevin Durant. Go Spurs.

Ide

GMoney said...

You're just jealous because your superior is back to dominate you daily.

GMoney said...

Good points, Ideford. How the hell does a team luck into facing Steve Mason and Marc-Andre Fleury and need 7 games to beat both? NOT ELITE. Fuck the Rangers. They have Scott Arniel on the goddamn bench for Christ sake. I hope that Montreal owns them.

The Sharks are letting Danny Boyle walk this Summer. I think that the CBJ should make a run at the veteran D man and Miami alum. If he's good enough for Team Canada, he should be good enough for the CBJ. He plays a similar game to Ryan Murray and could be a nice mentor for all of our young studs. And he would be a gigantic upgrade over Nikitin.

GMoney said...

Speaking of LeBron, LOL at Roger Mason Jr for TOTES lying about Bron not playing next year if Sterling is still an owner. Way to represent the Playas Association on a foundation of Ide lies, Rog! And they aren't locking out anyway...not with all the child support that they owe no offense.

LOL Knicks getting burnt by Steve Kerr and now left to beg Derek Fisher or some other turd to coach them. How about Mike Brown?

Give me some credit for nailing a robust 25% of my second round NBA picks! Considering the NBA officiating has been WWE bad this playoff season, I'm picking Heat/Thunder in the Finals.

Cakes said...

I don't care about basketball so I'll just point out that #wreckthisleague is trending on Twitter.

Prime99 said...

Coach Cal is basically Littlefinger. Does confusing things like talk to the CPD only to confuse his enemies. Who kill his own mom (or anyone) for more power. Probably poisoned Dr Jack Ramsay.

GMoney said...

I like this theory of yours that Calipari murdered Dr. Jack. Hubie Brown might be next.

Mr. Ace said...

Thank you for picking the Thunder.

OVER RATED Spurs in 5.

GMoney said...

Thank you for mentioning that. I have no fucking clue how Rando can go on a Facebook rant about the "Spurs are OVERRATED" with a straight face. That might be the dumbest thing ever. How can you be OVERRATED if you earned the one seed in your conference by beating everyone over the entirety of the season? How is that possible? And now they are in the conference finals!

Rando wonders why he loses all of these arguments. Well, when you represent a side that never makes any sense and that no sane person would agree with (outside of Mort and Rich Gannon's mother) this is what happens.

Randall Stevens said...

I hope the spurs lose to the heat in the finals again. That way Ace can celebrate the Spurs hoisting yet another 2nd place banner in the arena. They make 2nd place banner, right?

I only know one Dave. And he's a daily reader but a non commenter. If this is the Dave I know then he'll TOTES agree with me that Larry Bird couldn't dunk.

Prime99 said...

Shout out to Big Earl Bennett- glad he found another team where he can wear his orange cleats and get fined.

Randall Stevens said...

Spurs haven't won a title in 7 years. I call them OVERRATED and it's hilariously idiotic. But you called the Pistons team that won a title and made 6 straight eastern conference finals OVERRATED and you're super smart and win every argument. I can see where I'm out of line there.

Randall Stevens said...

You call Peyton Manning OVERRATED because he only has one ring and chokes in the playoffs. People say Kevin Durant is OVERRATED because he doesn't have a ring yet. So why in thee fuck do we give the Spurs a pass when it's been 7 years since their last title? Because they do super sweet in the regular season and get the one seed every year? According the pristine standard of RATEDNESS set by the commenters of this blog, you have to win titles to not be OVERRATED. Right? Or are we going to ignore all that because it's the Spurs and you apparently want Popovich's shriveled up geezer rod tickling the inside of your stomach?

Anonymous said...

Oh God, that is stupid logic.

Who was winning those championships when the Pistons were overrated those 5 years? Its hilarious you're drawing overrated comparisons to the team winning the rings your team couldn't.

Ide

GMoney said...

Look at this guy up there. Thinking that if he digs deeper and gets louder, all of a sudden he might come up with a decent argument for the first time ever. Not here, bruh. I'm not going to waste my time explaining how stupid your "logic" is.

I apologize to everyone else for poking the big fucktard bear. That's on me.

I'll end with this: there is more out there than OVERRATED and underrated. People and teams can be properly rated. The Spurs are the most stable and successful franchise of the past 15 years. That is a FACT. Sane people will never call them underrated or OVERRATED. FACTS have them properly rated. I win again. You would think that it gets old.

It does not. WINNER.

Randall Stevens said...

Ha! This is so great. So you're OVERRATED unless G$ likes you or respects what you do. Got it.

Just remember G$ blasts Peyton Manning because he can't win rings but defends a team that hasn't won a ring in damn near a decade. Flawless.

Randall Stevens said...

Let me see if I understand this correctly so we can move on. Spurs get the 1 or 2 seed every year and have nothing to show for it in the past 7 years. And you're saying that is properly rated. Get the fuck out of here.

Mr. Ace said...

I enjoy Randos convenient 7 year cutoff of his argument, as if the 4 titles they won the previous 8 years don't matter. He is really the worst.

I'm glad none of you are equally fucktarded.

GMoney said...

Every Rando comment = SMH...SMDH all day...just too much dumb

He would never mention that the Spurs dynasty and Peyton Manning's career started about the same time and we will ignore their trophy cases in that time frame because LOL at that comparison. NEXT!

Randall Stevens said...

Ace. You've used the "haven't won a title in X number of years" argument when calling out Fuckeyes defending their last national title. But it's no good when someone calls out your beloved Spurs. I see you get your logic from G$.

And just so we're clear...7 years is a long time considering how ELITE this team is supposed to be from coach to players.

Anonymous said...

Rando crony? What the hell are you talking about?

I'm going to keep posting "hot takes" out of spite Ide.

And Jared, expect a video of Larry Bird dunking coming your way.

Dave

Randall Stevens said...

Who's Jared?

GMoney said...

Jesus Christ, what a small-time commenter who clearly came up to THE SHOW before he was ready. Back to Single A for Dave, ya amateur.

Just a quick question: do we think less of Tom Brady even though he wasn't won a Super Bowl in a decade? No, we don't, because he has three of them.

Go back to defending the Ohio Fuckeyes and their one title over the past half century, Lava Skank.

Might be time to kill off this Rando Steve character after seeing how weak his taeks are constantly.

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhh..... Yeah.... Yeah I am a Rando crony.... You got me.

I agree with Ace, Spurs in 5..... And Go Pacers!

-Dave

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'm sorry, but my email subscription doesn't let me read or post comments. The past two times I've seen you, you told me to comment, so deal with it.

I'm learning dammit!

Dave

Mr. Ace said...

I don't recall this. I'm pretty fair and balanced in my arguments. If I did I probably cut it off at a clean 10 years/decade. Not some magical number.

Also, there have been 6 NBA titles given out since the Spurs last title. But math/logic aren't your strong points. And looking back thru those champs it's hard for me to be too upset about the Spurs not getting past those teams.

Randall Stevens said...

G$ tells people to comment. Yells at them for commenting. LOL! Sounds right.

Randall Stevens said...

"Just a quick question: do we think less of Tom Brady even though he wasn't won a Super Bowl in a decade?"

Actually, yes. People aren't as sweet on Tom Brady anymore since he hasn't won a Super Bowl since spy gate. He's still a good quarterback but the shine is gone.

Randall Stevens said...

I said 7 years because I don't think they're winning it this year, either. So yeah...my math is on point.

Mr. Ace said...

Another piece of proof that you don't use #FACTS.

GMoney said...

This is flat out embarrassing. From now on, every time that I watch Shawshank, I'm going to root for the Sisters to rape RS good and proper.

I mean, this is just sad. 7 equals 6 now? SMH.

Randall Stevens said...

Just another argument I win. That's how it works, right? Just claim yourself the winner.

GMoney said...

What did Richard Sherman say? Something like "A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of faggot sheep". Yeah, that fits here.

Winner, winner, rack of ribs dinner.

Anonymous said...

Rando is the kind of man who opens a bag of chips with scissors. The worst. He is the kind of guy who would pick Oddjob in GoldenEye.

Ide

Anonymous said...

This escalated quickly. These ELITE/OVERRATED arguments are always so stupid and end up escalating into Screaming A. Smiff/Skip Bayless territory. Are we trying to kill off Rando a la Seal?

Welcome back, Seal, by the way. I hold no grudges even though I did survive you FB friends purge.

#letswreckthisleague

-Damman

Anonymous said...

*did not survive.

-Damman

Randall Stevens said...

Here's how it works, Damman. Teams and players that G$ likes and respects are ELITE and properly rated. Every other team and player is not ELITE and OVERRATED. Get it now?

GMoney said...

That is not how it works and this has been explained to you ad nauseum. We literally do this every week and you still don't get it.

Hopefully, Johnny Football wrecks the league a lot better than you wreck the comments, BRAH.