Friday, May 02, 2014

And Down The Stretch They Come!!!

"5000 Candles In The Wind" = Derby Winner
In the comments yesterday, Mr. Ace mentioned that the greatest sporting event of the year was taking place this weekend. He was referencing the Kentucky Derby obviously. I don’t know if it was in his first stint here or if it was at his piece of shit blog, but he once wrote a really long turd about horse racing. Whatever. I like watching the race but I don’t particularly care about the stories. I’m just using that as an excuse to get to today’s topic: the home stretch. By that, I mean, She$ just entered her third and final trimester of being knocked up. Uh oh, here we go! Let’s take some calls to see how I’m handling this impending doom.

Jeff from Columbus: Hey, G$! When is the first bridal shower? Also, as The Impregnator (comic book to be released in 2015) what is your role for these parties? CARRY THE FLAG!
G$: Great question. She$ has three planned showers (two on her own and one couples). The first one is tomorrow and it is heavily Naptown-based and it makes sense as our niece is getting confirmed on Sunday and a lot of family will be in one place. I’m not going to the shower as I have a doubleheader in the morning and have to board the dog for the weekend (will be sad). My only responsibility is to bring a bunch of gifts home. I don’t know what my role is for these showers outside of “transportation of material goods and free shit that we will need way more of”. I also hope to run into FagNasty while I’m home for the first time since CHRISTmas.  So to answer your question, I don't plan on helping much.

Dusty from Columbus: Hello, hot stuff, is She$ making any idiotic, hormone-fueled requests to you that make no sense? BATTLE ON!
G$: Oh you better believe it! The other day she asked if we could switch sides on the bed that we sleep on. She said that she is supposed to sleep on her left side so that the baby is close to her heart or something that didn’t sound accurate at all. My reply was a robust “Fuck no. Go sleep in the guest room. That’s MY SIDE of the bed. DEAL WITH IT.” I’m growing tired of her not having any late night cravings other than pickle spears.

Prime from NorCal: It’s pretty crazy how huge she’s getting, isn’t it? BEAR DOWN!
G$: LOL…that’s why I call her gigantic every morning! She$ is now wearing my t-shirts and sweatshirts which does not make me happy. She is stretching out the gut! You know that picture of the Redskins fan in the basketball jersey talking on his phone? That’s what my wife looks like all the time now. I’m embarrassed for her. As the thinnest person in the house, I look down on her for letting herself go like this.

Nibbles from the East Side: I hear that your nursery is done. What other projects do you have now? O-H!
G$: Awful question. Quit trying to give me additional work, bruh. But yes, the nursery is finished outside of framing and hanging my autographed picture of Ted DiBiase. I figure that every nursery needs a Million Dollar Man photo in it. Tell me that I’m wrong. From what I can tell, my work is done. I REALLY don’t want to go to parenting/birthing classes in June though. 3 hours of breathing exercises and sitting on a floor sounds like an awful time to me.

Seal from somewhere between Akron and Cleveland: Can you feel your kid kicking yet? How amazing is that? THE DIFF!
G$: Get the fuck out of here, weirdo. I don’t do that shit. I don’t know…that part of it is still creepy to me. I don’t like touching the bump. I’m probably afraid that my hand pressure will murder the kid or something. A few weeks ago, the dog tried to snuggle up next to She$ during the night and the baby kicked him. I would have LOL’d had I seen that. But to answer your question, I leave my wife’s belly alone. I’ll touch the kid when it comes out.

Cakes from Assholeville: Whatever happened to that job search that you were worried about last month? MORE DICKS PLEASE!
G$: Funny you should ask, dick-breath! My new boss was up from Cincy yesterday and pulled me into an office to offer up a promotion to run a new “division” with our biggest account (that may or may not employ one of the commenters here). Basically, the account has let their costs in one area get out of control and they want me to come and sort it out/crack the whip. Why, yes, I pretty much am like Winston Wolf in Pulp Fiction. Now quit treating this site like “dead n***** storage”, Ide. I’m going to accept the offer today. Good news is that I can stop wasting my time on job boards. Good news also is that this blog is going nowhere. We will be around for a while.

So things are starting to fall into place which is really what I needed to have happen.  Now just watch, tomorrow during my DH I’m going to blow out my knee and shit my pants or something. Either way, I am going to enjoy the rare moments of peace and tranquility while they last. See you on Monday.


Mr. Ace said...

The Derby is ELITE. You gay.

Congrats on tricking your employer into believing that you deserve a promotion.

Anonymous said...

Drew from Columbus...

Congrats on the new gig.

Why do you not refer to the child by it's gender? Also, how do you feel about your child being born in the year of Drooler as COY?

Thanks....I'll hang up and listen. WAR Urban Meyer.

Anonymous said...

Birthing classes were NOT ELITE. A bunch of shit that you will forget once the whole birthing process begins. The best part was the free cookies..
You might think you are almost free and clear of preparing for the baby's arrival, but She$ will keep finding more shit for you to do once she starts nesting.

-Ohio Nate

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff said...

Bridal shower? Your unborn kid is already getting married? I guess I would be making fun of myself with that.

Heard RS already put down a deposit to reserve a copy of "The Impregnator".

Are the names narrowed down?
Probably a tough decision between Tonya and Mrs. Ward.

GMoney said...

These are all great follow-up questions. Hang up and listen.

Ace, yeah, I've got everyone fooled. It's pretty ELITE of me to get promoted to a job that I didn't apply for nor knew existed before yesterday (because it didn't). I don't know what they see in me either since I TOTES don't work hard. I do work smart though. Big THE DIFF.

Drew, it still isn't 100% official yet, that's why. We're 99% sure of a girl, but who knows. It could be an asshole son that already knows how to tuck his wee wee in and fool everyone. I deserve a kid like this. I deserve Problem Child. Whatever the gender, I will tell many a tale about your commenting prowess in the year 2013.

OHNate, free cookies is all that I needed to hear. I know that she will continue to nag but the heavy lifting for me is probably over until the kid comes.

Jeff, bridal shower? What a dumb question that you asked. We're getting closer on names. At least there is an open dialogue. I probably should come up with something better than "I don't care, it just better not be a stupid name".

How about Prentice Money? Beautiful name.

Mr. Ace said...

The name is Sean Taylor Money. We already decided this to relieve you guys of that stressful burden.

Kids man. Fucking kids. Being surrounded by the ultimate birth control everyday makes me think I may never be ready for that shit.

GMoney said...

I can't wait for my kid to be old enough to kill Ape. The time is coming. The end is nigh.

Jeff said...

"Dance Dads" will be a new reality show staring G$ and daughter.

Prime99 said...

If the birth class is similar to the one I went to, it's not too bad. It helped me focus in on actual things I could help with rather than be an awful coach during the process. If nothing else, it encouraged us to do as much laboring as possible at home. We went to the hospital at 5am, baby born at 11:16am.

I'm glad Running Zack was born under my reign as COY. Chip says he agrees.

GMoney said...

But what if I don't want to be a good coach? I'm an official, not a coach.

Prime, I hear that you are a dad. What are your thoughts on my lack of desire/WANT TO to touch the bump?

Prime99 said...

It depends on how you actually are about it in practice. I don't think I was constantly trying to touch my wife's bump but if there was serious kicking action that my wife told me about (like, come check this out), then I wasn't like, "fuck no." I don't think it's weird to be neutral about it, but being grossed out or totally opposed is probably odd.

Grumpy said...

Grumpy from Retirement Village. I demand a paternity test.

Nibbles said...

You try having sex with your wife, while she's that pregnant? How's that going for you? Or are you just getting handy's and blowies on the regi?

GMoney said...

Jesus Christ, Nibbles, this is a family site, you faggot!

Prime, I am opposed to touching the bump for a completely rational and cromulent reason. I believe that my touch will lead to an end-of-Spaceballs diner scene. See? Perfectly logical.

Randall Stevens said...

You know I'll be reading "The Impregnator" on the reg. sounds like a TV crossover hit to me.

The question from Cakes was the ultimate LOL. Finely executed. I wonder if Assholeville is nice this time of year.

I would guess that She$ is repulsed by G$...more so than usual...right about now. Imagine Ide attempting to pick up a girl at the bar. That's probably the response G$ gets when trying to get him some ham wallet from his pregnant wife.

GMoney said...

I'm no fancy big city lawyer but it sounds like all of you want to see me star in a sex tape. Better open up those (ham) wallets, bruh.

Randall Stevens said...

P.S. Excellent Lil Sebastian cameo today.

GMoney said...

His death was Ron Swanson's 9/11 times 5000.

GMoney said...

I don't know what I'm going to write about Monday but Wednesday will be my annual mock draft (NFL DRAFT IS FINALLY NEXT WEEK, BRAH!).

I can't wait to make more great personnel moves from the Browns.

Jeff said...

You should do a breakdown of Jeters GFs and rank them. Maybe Ace should do that. Or just Athlete wives/GFs in general.

Anonymous said...

I pick up girls on Tinder.


GMoney said...

Jesus Christ, Jeff, just go into the shitter and rub one out already, you weirdo.

Jeff said...

Ok fine then, cliff notes on the top 10 comic books of all time.