|"5000 Candles In The Wind" = Derby Winner|
Jeff from Columbus: Hey, G$! When is the first bridal shower? Also, as The Impregnator (comic book to be released in 2015) what is your role for these parties? CARRY THE FLAG!
G$: Great question. She$ has three planned showers (two on her own and one couples). The first one is tomorrow and it is heavily Naptown-based and it makes sense as our niece is getting confirmed on Sunday and a lot of family will be in one place. I’m not going to the shower as I have a doubleheader in the morning and have to board the dog for the weekend (will be sad). My only responsibility is to bring a bunch of gifts home. I don’t know what my role is for these showers outside of “transportation of material goods and free shit that we will need way more of”. I also hope to run into FagNasty while I’m home for the first time since CHRISTmas. So to answer your question, I don't plan on helping much.
Dusty from Columbus: Hello, hot stuff, is She$ making any idiotic, hormone-fueled requests to you that make no sense? BATTLE ON!
G$: Oh you better believe it! The other day she asked if we could switch sides on the bed that we sleep on. She said that she is supposed to sleep on her left side so that the baby is close to her heart or something that didn’t sound accurate at all. My reply was a robust “Fuck no. Go sleep in the guest room. That’s MY SIDE of the bed. DEAL WITH IT.” I’m growing tired of her not having any late night cravings other than pickle spears.
Prime from NorCal: It’s pretty crazy how huge she’s getting, isn’t it? BEAR DOWN!
G$: LOL…that’s why I call her gigantic every morning! She$ is now wearing my t-shirts and sweatshirts which does not make me happy. She is stretching out the gut! You know that picture of the Redskins fan in the basketball jersey talking on his phone? That’s what my wife looks like all the time now. I’m embarrassed for her. As the thinnest person in the house, I look down on her for letting herself go like this.
Nibbles from the East Side: I hear that your nursery is done. What other projects do you have now? O-H!
G$: Awful question. Quit trying to give me additional work, bruh. But yes, the nursery is finished outside of framing and hanging my autographed picture of Ted DiBiase. I figure that every nursery needs a Million Dollar Man photo in it. Tell me that I’m wrong. From what I can tell, my work is done. I REALLY don’t want to go to parenting/birthing classes in June though. 3 hours of breathing exercises and sitting on a floor sounds like an awful time to me.
Seal from somewhere between Akron and Cleveland: Can you feel your kid kicking yet? How amazing is that? THE DIFF!
G$: Get the fuck out of here, weirdo. I don’t do that shit. I don’t know…that part of it is still creepy to me. I don’t like touching the bump. I’m probably afraid that my hand pressure will murder the kid or something. A few weeks ago, the dog tried to snuggle up next to She$ during the night and the baby kicked him. I would have LOL’d had I seen that. But to answer your question, I leave my wife’s belly alone. I’ll touch the kid when it comes out.
Cakes from Assholeville: Whatever happened to that job search that you were worried about last month? MORE DICKS PLEASE!
G$: Funny you should ask, dick-breath! My new boss was up from Cincy yesterday and pulled me into an office to offer up a promotion to run a new “division” with our biggest account (that may or may not employ one of the commenters here). Basically, the account has let their costs in one area get out of control and they want me to come and sort it out/crack the whip. Why, yes, I pretty much am like Winston Wolf in Pulp Fiction. Now quit treating this site like “dead n***** storage”, Ide. I’m going to accept the offer today. Good news is that I can stop wasting my time on job boards. Good news also is that this blog is going nowhere. We will be around for a while.
So things are starting to fall into place which is really what I needed to have happen. Now just watch, tomorrow during my DH I’m going to blow out my knee and shit my pants or something. Either way, I am going to enjoy the rare moments of peace and tranquility while they last. See you on Monday.