Wednesday, April 30, 2014
After yesterday’s winning battle where all of us but one correctly classified all comic book nerds as nerds no matter what the age, I thought that we could go a little bit further. I want to address some topics/hobbies of people that I don’t understand. Now, I get what these activities and ideas are all about, I just don’t understand why anyone would do them/feel this way. Confused? Alright! If this didn’t make any sense, just think of yourself as Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and you’ll feel better. The lead-up is way more complicated than the output. Let’s get started.
Anti-Vaccine People – This is definitely something that I don’t really understand but probably should read more into but apparently there are people out there that refuse to give their kids vaccines. That just seems really dumb to me. I don’t want my kid getting rubella just because Jenny McCarthy has a fake-autistic son. Love those jugs forever, though, J-Mac!
Alcohol Snobs – We’ve been over this plenty before but why don’t you drink what you want to drink and I will choose my own libation. You aren’t an expert and I don’t care about your “sophisticated pallet”. As long as we can all agree that nothing is better than Stroh’s then I have no reason to murder you outside of not getting what it means to be ELITE.
Cyclists – I loathe these people. Oh, look at you in your spandex and sperm-shaped bike helmet! You’re a grown man wearing a bike helmet! ADORBS! Cycling is dumb. You have to do it for like four hours just to get a decent workout in (probably) and every car on the road wants to watch you fall and die. How fun! And let’s not forget that almost all of these assholes got into cycling because of Lance Armstrong. Way to commit to the lie! The road belongs to vehicles and the sidewalks belong to pedestrians. You belong nowhere, cyclists.
Overly-Opinionated Christians – Now I’ve never been a very spiritual stud but I have been known to pray about completely selfish and frivolous things like “Please, God, make Kai Forbath’s leg be straight and true”. And then it gets blocked leaving me to unload 400 goddammits. For the most part, this is my only sense of religion anymore. I don’t chastise those that believe in a higher power. It’s great if you do but you need to keep that to yourself. EVERYONE hates being told about your Lord and Savior. EVERYONE hates people who live their lives strictly by the words written in a million year old book. You aren’t going to change anyone’s minds with your rants and raves so just worry about your own salvation instead of mine, Flanders.
Gamers – Once you are done with college, you should probably put away the video games forever. Time to grow up, people. I highly doubt that sexy women are lining up to bone guys that wear headsets and talk to pre-teens from across the country over games of Halo.
American Soccer Fans – It’s time to give up on this dream of yours. It isn’t happening and it won’t work. No matter how hard you try, soccer isn’t going to catch on here. Why? Because Americans demand excellence and we will never be one of the best countries in the world at this. Ever. So stop pushing this on me. Stop airing EPL games. Stop putting scores on the bottom line. Stop making me think that the Cupo del Rey (or whatever it is) is a Rey Mysterio tribute show only to be greatly disappointed that it is not. You tried and you failed. When it comes to this summer’s World Cup…GO REST OF THE WORLD! FUCK AMERICAN SOCCER! Real men play real sports, motherfucker.
Whoa…is it getting hot in here or is that just my takes? Plenty of things to argue about today. Let’s rock. And in a bit of unpaid and unendorsed synergy, don’t forget that the new season of Louie starts this Monday night, masturbators!