Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Setting Idiots Straight One Take At a Time

If you follow Louis CK on Twitter (don’t really recommend it because he isn’t very active), you probably saw him ranting and raving on Monday night about his daughter’s math homework (which had nothing to do with game 6 but whatevs). These math problems given to his 3rd grader made my head hurt. Apparently, they were for some sort of forthcoming standardized test and they were impossible. He went off about how stupid this is. Mr. Ace tweeted back at him and was correctly ignored because he’s an idiot. I don’t know—I think the main issue was that Louis’ daughter was being taught to pass a test for school funding as opposed to actual learning. Either way, I don’t understand it outside of "ignoring Ape" is a great decision.

After yesterday’s winning battle where all of us but one correctly classified all comic book nerds as nerds no matter what the age, I thought that we could go a little bit further. I want to address some topics/hobbies of people that I don’t understand. Now, I get what these activities and ideas are all about, I just don’t understand why anyone would do them/feel this way. Confused? Alright! If this didn’t make any sense, just think of yourself as Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and you’ll feel better. The lead-up is way more complicated than the output. Let’s get started.

Anti-Vaccine People – This is definitely something that I don’t really understand but probably should read more into but apparently there are people out there that refuse to give their kids vaccines. That just seems really dumb to me. I don’t want my kid getting rubella just because Jenny McCarthy has a fake-autistic son. Love those jugs forever, though, J-Mac!

Alcohol Snobs – We’ve been over this plenty before but why don’t you drink what you want to drink and I will choose my own libation. You aren’t an expert and I don’t care about your “sophisticated pallet”. As long as we can all agree that nothing is better than Stroh’s then I have no reason to murder you outside of not getting what it means to be ELITE.

Cyclists – I loathe these people. Oh, look at you in your spandex and sperm-shaped bike helmet! You’re a grown man wearing a bike helmet! ADORBS! Cycling is dumb. You have to do it for like four hours just to get a decent workout in (probably) and every car on the road wants to watch you fall and die. How fun! And let’s not forget that almost all of these assholes got into cycling because of Lance Armstrong. Way to commit to the lie! The road belongs to vehicles and the sidewalks belong to pedestrians. You belong nowhere, cyclists.

Overly-Opinionated Christians – Now I’ve never been a very spiritual stud but I have been known to pray about completely selfish and frivolous things like “Please, God, make Kai Forbath’s leg be straight and true”. And then it gets blocked leaving me to unload 400 goddammits. For the most part, this is my only sense of religion anymore. I don’t chastise those that believe in a higher power. It’s great if you do but you need to keep that to yourself. EVERYONE hates being told about your Lord and Savior. EVERYONE hates people who live their lives strictly by the words written in a million year old book. You aren’t going to change anyone’s minds with your rants and raves so just worry about your own salvation instead of mine, Flanders.

Gamers – Once you are done with college, you should probably put away the video games forever. Time to grow up, people.  I highly doubt that sexy women are lining up to bone guys that wear headsets and talk to pre-teens from across the country over games of Halo.

American Soccer Fans – It’s time to give up on this dream of yours. It isn’t happening and it won’t work. No matter how hard you try, soccer isn’t going to catch on here. Why? Because Americans demand excellence and we will never be one of the best countries in the world at this. Ever. So stop pushing this on me. Stop airing EPL games. Stop putting scores on the bottom line. Stop making me think that the Cupo del Rey (or whatever it is) is a Rey Mysterio tribute show only to be greatly disappointed that it is not. You tried and you failed. When it comes to this summer’s World Cup…GO REST OF THE WORLD! FUCK AMERICAN SOCCER! Real men play real sports, motherfucker.

Whoa…is it getting hot in here or is that just my takes? Plenty of things to argue about today. Let’s rock. And in a bit of unpaid and unendorsed synergy, don’t forget that the new season of Louie starts this Monday night, masturbators!

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

Those are all pretty solid. I do sort of disagree with you on the soccer thing though, even though I don't watch soccer either. ESPN wouldn't be putting the soccer on if it didn't get ratings. The fact is is that it does get them...that's why soccer even has their own 30 for 30 series now. I also read that Americans bought more World Cup tickets than any other country. Soccer fandom is definitely becoming a thing in this country....just look at that Seattle team that averages over 70k a game.

I'd add political junkies to the loud Christians category (not necessarily together). I don't need people trying to try and persuade me to vote for an issue or a person. Shut the fuck up...I can make a decision on my own. Also, your bumper stickers and yard signs make you look like white trash.

Picky eaters also piss me off. Grow up. If you're go to meal at a restaurant is still chicken fingers or you basically take every extra ingredient off your meal when ordering...you are a child.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I'm typing this out on a stationary bike.

I don't mind bikers, but I do mind their haughtiness. And Im totes jealous of their resting heart rate of 40. But, do you even lift, bro?

Soccer will never be fun, nor interesting. Ties? You betcha. Everything that is terrible in soccer was made better in hockey. No FIF Line for Man U.

Nothing wrong with video games. Especially, NCAA, Madden, and NBA 2k. I played my nieces at Mario Jars last week and destroyed them. Not unlike Chappelle beating that cancer kid.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Soccer will be YUGE in America in a decade. More kids are going to stay being pushed into it with parents pulling them out of football. Soccer is here to stay.

As far as religion goes, if you truly live your life according to whatever religion and try to honor it in your daily life at all times, I don't take much issue. It's dumb to me and I almost feel bad for those people, but whatevs. The people I really hate are those who quote bible verses but then live their lives like ass holes. Bunch of hypocrites if you ask me.

I have tried to understand the whole anti-vax thing. Seems like the anti vax people cling to some corrupt studies and point out some of the scary shit in vaccines... like formaldehyde, MSG, and mercury, which is kinda cray. And there are no guarantees that you won't have a bad reaction to a vaccine, but overall it seems like the anti vax people are just fear mongers.

Nothing wrong with some occasional gaming. When the new GTA comes out you have to play it.

And the shit I said to LCK is totes true. If the public knew who was scoring these tests and how they were doing it they would be appalled. Mouthbreathers who are rewarded for speed ate responsible for whether or not your kid gets a passing grade. It's so fucked up.

Anonymous said...

Can we throw conspiracy theorists on here too? Truthers or whatever the hell are the worst. I'm sure that I see these people way more than you guys, but every time I walk by Union Square, I get to hear about some asshole spouting off how some CEO is keeping the poor down. How about you get a fucking job instead of crying to NYU students on a park bench? The government is behind 9/11?! Cool story, bro. SO FUCKING MOVE AWAY.

I think most of what you say falls under this new wave activism shit. The 20 something's are all lazy and looking to blame anyone else for their lack of motivation. Got an 1000 on your SATs? I bet its from the mumps injection you had when you were 6. Didn't get into Vassar? Probably because of the pesticides in your veggies, shop at Whole Foods and compost and be like Ape. Overdrew your bank account on hemp clothing? Somehow the interest rate and those fat cats are to blame. Zero understanding required, just tons of off the cuff HOT TAKES.

You anti religious people would love the Jews near my office. They have a MOBILE Hasidic van for remote prayers. They send 5 year olds to EVERYONE asking if they're Jewish (its a trap). And they have enough clout/craftiness to get passed security and roll into offices. Jehovah's Witnesses have nothing on Upper East Side Jews.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Absolutely agree in the cyclists. Look at me my bike is worth more than a boat. I ride for the us postal service! Umm, no, you don't. I was riding behind a group of spandex warriors last year and one inexplicably fell. It was hilarious, but because he was in the road, he almost caused me to rear end the car that was in front if me who almost ran over the dude. It was awesome seeing the guys bike mangled and him sitting there like an idiot with a possible concussion.

Soccer is gaining popularity here because the country is being overrun by Hispanics,

Randall Stevens said...

The guy who doesn't believe in giving his dog certain meds based on what season it is doesn't understand the anti-vacciners?

Drew dropped a lot of truth in his opening statement. The picky eaters can eat dick salad. Mainly the picky eaters that have never tried something but swear to the heavens they know they won't like it so refuse. My brother didn't try ranch dressing until he was 18 because of this. RANCH DRESSING! And don't give me this "it's the texture/I'm a texture person" bullshit. I'm not asking you to eat boiled ox shaft. Get some fucking control over yourself for Christ sake.

Movie and music snobs get thrown in there for me. I had a room mate who would make it a point to never watch mainstream shit because it was too "commercialized". So he would watch shit like "Metropolis". A 1930's black and white silent film that is about 4 hours long. Fuck off. Way to force yourself into bordom.

Music snobs are about as pretentious as it gets. I could go on for about 9 paragraphs about how much I hate these fucks.

GMoney said...

We're off to a hot start today.

Parents have been forcing kids to play soccer against their free wills since the dawn of time in this country. Hell, I played soccer as a kid and I am THE ALPHA MALE. It will always be a niche sport here because stupid soccer fans don't invite bandwagon fans to join up. They chastise them for not being there from the start. That is one big reason why soccer will never be mainstream here...the fans are assholes. Also, the sport is stupid and boring and Euro trash.

Nibbles said...

"Soccer will be YUGE in America in a decade. More kids are going to stay being pushed into it with parents pulling them out of football."

Hey Jonathon T-Bone, that's lacrosse you're thinking of, not soccer.

G$, you're being short sighted on your anti-gaming. When you have a son that asks you to play Mario Kart with him and you kick his ass, it's glorious.

As for anti-religion, I see more agnostics and atheists stirring the pot first, waiting for pro-religion to retort, then exclaiming how pro-religion is imposing their religion on them. Not saying anybody here is doing that or is capable of doing that, but don't forget that side of the aisle is just as bad at telling others how to think.





Randall Stevens said...

This pretty much wraps up how fucking stupid music snobs are. They would rather make themselves look like lying idiots than admit the truth. I love everything about this clip.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=W_IzYUJANfk

Anonymous said...

Only thing worse would be comic snobs.

Ide

Nibbles said...

I think RS is openly firing shots at Prime.

Randall Stevens said...

Prime's a reasonable music fan. And even if he does like some weirdo indie bands it's not like he's throwing it in people's faces.

A comic was released today called Southern Bastards. It's a comic about Ide and how he came to be such a prick.

GMoney said...

Playing Mario Kart with your kid and kicking his ass doesn't make you a loser gamer. Retiring from the NFL because you are addicted to Xbox like Quinn Pitcock did is more of who I'm talking about. Stop being pathetic.

OH GOD don't get me started on lacrosse. There isn't a sport out there that screams "HEY, WE LOVE TO RAPE CHICKS" more than this turd.

Mr. Ace said...

Shots fired, Nibbles! But you're right, it's agnostics and atheists who are shaping public policies, infringing on rights and raping boys. Also, agnostics =/= atheists.

The "20 somethings are lazy hippies" shit is tired. Just because people don't follow along with the status quo or, gasp, rebel against it doesn't make them lazy. In fact, I would argue the opposite. It's lazy to just go along with it.

So RS is an anti vaxer?

Nibbles said...

"Shots fired, Nibbles! But you're right, it's agnostics and atheists who are shaping public policies, infringing on rights and raping boys. Also, agnostics =/= atheists."

Never said agnostics and atheists are the same, but they do share a common trait, and that is challenging conventional religious thinking.

Please, you live in one of the most secular governments in the world, which continues to grow increasingly secular by the day. To think religion shapes public policy any more than secularized movements and constituents is unfounded.

Prime99 said...

My stance on music is as follows:

It is dumb to only like stuff on the radio because there is plenty of good stuff out there that is not. However, it is also dumb to hate everything on commercial radio because there is good stuff there. There is great and terrible music in all genres.

Remember the 90s band draft? I'm the guy who took Nirvana with my first pick and Snow Guy argued that Nirvana sucks and he wouldn't pick them. Maybe Snow Guy is the music snob!

As long as you don't listen to Nickelback, then we are cool.

I'm officially too old to be pretentious about movies. Just entertain me.

Anonymous said...

Just because people don't follow along with the status quo or, gasp, rebel against it doesn't make them lazy. In fact, I would argue the opposite. It's lazy to just go along with it.

That's just the thing. They aren't doing a thing about it. You want to go against the status quo, go for it. But, sitting around some park/message board and shouting from your soapbox isn't doing anything.

Woodward and Bernstein went against the status quo and booted Tricky Dick. Today, it's some faggot name Sebastian with a Sociology degree from some lib arts school who thinks by smoking pot and reading Ayn Rand he is 'raising awareness' and 'fighting the cause', when in all actuality he is in my way to and from work.

Remember Occupy Wall Street? Yeah, those guys.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Good point Randall. "I'm not trying it because I know it will taste gross" is just a pathetic lifestyle.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Ide makes a great point. Sebastian has to be the worst name ever. Even worse than Evan.

I'm going back to Naptown this weekend for my niece's confirmation. I'm going to picket the church in the name of Ape. Or not because that would take too much effort.

Grumpy said...

We didn't have vaccines for all those things when I was a kid and look at me.

GMoney said...

You fought polio and scarlet fever like a man, bruh!

Jeff said...

Religious and political snobs are the worst. Except for Westboro Baptist. They know what's up:

GOD HATES FAGS!!!!

Prime99 said...

Bob Hoskins died, and this reminded me of a group of annoying people. Some people will find out he died and say, "Bob Hoskins died... Bummer.., time for me to go watch Roger Rabbit or Super Mario Bros. to remember him!"

The worst.

Mr. Ace said...

Ide, I agree somewhat. But you're kind of setting up a straw man that pretty easy to pick apart. Yes, the people you describe are the worst. But I don't think that's the majority. And anybody going against the grain, especially in regards to the economy, is fighting an uphill battle.

Nibbles, how many political candidates publicly say they are agnostic or atheist? Now how many are Jesus' homeboy? Money still talks, and speaking out against religion, especially in politics, is a surefire way to separate yourself from a lot of that money. There are over 200 faith based lobbying groups and they contribute around 400 mil a year to parties and candidates. You think there are secular groups with that kind of presence?

Randall Stevens said...

I'm not an anti-vacciner, Ace. I'm just surprised you aren't. Seems right up your alley.

I don't think Snow Guy said Nirvana sucked. I believe he called them a tad OVERRATED. Which they kinda are compared to other bands with bigger bodies of work. We all assume that Cobain would have continued to crank out brilliance had he not snacked on a buckshot. We also assume he would have continues making music period. I can TOTES see Cobain being the guy who retires early because it was so outside the norm.

GMoney said...

But that's the thing: we'll never know so we only judge what we have with Nirvana. It's kind of like Barry Sanders. He could have had pathetic Emmitt-in-Arizona years but he didn't.

Randall Stevens said...

So we're supposed to proclaim Nirvana as one of the best ever based on 3 albums...well, essentially 2 albums since most people have never heard "Bleach". I would compare Nirvana's musical career more to Bo Jackson than Barry Sanders.

Cakes said...

Awesome HOT TAEKS today! I pretty much agree with all of them. I still like to play MLB the show while drinking but will never be caught with a headset on. people who play online are either in middle school or looking to score some-teen ass. I don't want to talk to either of you.

the Indians do not like the west coast. Im guessing its because of the earthquakes. if they don't start showing up to games, the countdown to football is going to start much sooner this season.

GMoney said...

We're not doing this again. We are absolutely not doing this again. Look, Nirvana may not have had the career of a Rich Gannon (dammit, what did I just tell myself) but they produced 4 tremendous albums and the best Unplugged ever recorded.

They are not OVERRATED. I don't like Led Zeppelin or Springsteen but that doesn't mean that they didn't influence everyone or suck butts.

Anonymous said...

This is adorbs coming from a guy who loathes music snobs.

Ide

GMoney said...

I'm a big fan of how no one has "come at me, bro" over my Stroh's love. Well done, all.

Prime99 said...

G$'s Nirvana analysis is spot on.

Randall Stevens said...

Listen. Nirvana is a great band and I angrily thrashed to many of their songs. I enjoy them for sure. But to say they were one of the best bands ever is pretty careless since they weren't around for that long compared to other great bands. There are other great bands that did it just as good but for longer and I think those guys deserve more credit than Nirvana. Maybe it's a little unfair since Nirvana was cut short by Cobain painting his wall in brain matter but that's part of life.

Anonymous said...

Well G$, I play the drink snob bit well, but I am no stranger to the $4 sixer of Schaeffer's or Genny Cream. Am I the asshole who will send back an old fashioned because the bartender shook it rather than stirred it properly? Fuck yes. But spending $15 a drink gives me that right to have it made correctly.

Will I make fun of Lava Girl for her Rumplemintz? Certainly. But, will I take a shot with him? Actually, no. That shit is gross, but I would order a whiskey and call him a fag.

Ide

Anonymous said...

You know what else grinds my gears, people who seemingly have to disrobe just to take a pee. Can't you just whip it out and whiz?

Randall Stevens said...

Never once have I purchased rumplemintz on purpose. But I have friends who drink that shit because it gets you fucked up in a hurry. I'm not gonna be the dildo that pisses in the face of a friend who buys me a free shot of rumplemintz. I'll choke it down, say thanks and move on. Because I'm not a shit heel.

And that's your own damn fault for buying a $15 drink. Who the fuck are you trying to be? Don Draper?

Anonymous said...

Anyone want some crab legs?!

-Jameis Winston

Anonymous said...

Every cocktail in NYC is $15. Most beers, including Bud Light is at least $7.

Ide

GMoney said...

You need to find your Stube and fast then.

LOL at that anonymous guy apparently frequenting men's rooms where dudes go full nude to leak. WTF? Unless you mean fellas that unbutton their trousers. All you need to is unzip and either clear the hurdle or go through the door. Let's not get complicated here.

The Jameis story would have been better if he had stolen (insert stereotype food).

It probably just comes down to preference on how you rank bands anyway. As long as we acknowledge that they're great, it doesn't really matter all that much. If you feel like--I don't know--STP should be ranked higher in whatever rankings your developing because they are still sort of around, that's fine, but most people would not because Scott Weiland is a fucking disaster of a human being.

Mr. Ace said...

Rock bands suck. There, something we can all agree on.

I would send back a $15 drink as many times it took to get it for free. #Hustle

Prime99 said...

Ape, go back to getting spit on by future rappers/murderers.

Mr. Ace said...

If one of my kids makes it as a rapper I will blackmail the fuck out of them for all the times they have cried when I didn't give them oranges during lunch. Or when a fat white lady teacher made them cry during a restraint.

GMoney said...

Do they make organic babies, faggot???

Randall Stevens said...

Ape just wishes you liked Phish more, Prime. Or whatever sackless vegetarians listen to these days.

Mr. Ace said...

I am going to dedicate Thursdays as vegan and secular if you don't stop making fun of me.