Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Open Forum: Weekend Channel Surfing!

Go ahead and glance at my bone, Brandi, I'll just be looking at them jugs.
Things have been getting a little hot and heavy recently in the comments (take a bow, Seal!) so I figured that we should tone it down a bit today before Ape unloads some more of his amateur veterinarian lies tomorrow. Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but I truly enjoy a weekend afternoon on the couch flipping through the channels and finding anything interesting on. Some days it is harder than others. With a kid on the way and my umpiring schedule ramping up, these lazy days are going to soon be a thing of the past. That makes me very sad. And since, for the next four plus months, we have no football or hoops to entertain us, some of you may need help getting through the afternoon. That’s where I come in to play.

I really hate the people who whine about reality TV being the worst thing ever. No, it isn’t, because reality TV is a very broad culture that includes a lot of varying things. Sure, I agree that American Idol and Honey Boo Boo and other things that women watch are rotten, but there are still quite a few gems out there. Cliff “Uncle Cliffy” Robinson was on Survivor this season (already OUT which sucks)! Big Brother led the nation in racists last Summer! Restaurant Impossible is always enjoyable because Robert Irvine is great. Have you seen River Monsters? TERRIFYING! What I’m trying to say here is that not all of Reality TV is pointless, annoying, or bad. And it gets even better when you can find a mini-marathon on a weekend. Here are five shows that you should check out if you want to waste a day in an entertaining way:

Show: Shipping Wars
Channel: A&E
Why Watch: It’s basically five different truckers bidding on loads (heh!) and trying to beat deadlines. You might be surprised to hear that there are two really hot chicks on this that haul for a living. The men are grouchy old timers and that always makes me laugh. By the way, I don’t know if anyone still checks in on Storage Wars, but Barry is gone now (retired from the game) and now the show is pretty much Darrell being a moron and Brandi getting chunky. That fat German guy and his man-wife suck. They need to cancel Storage Wars ASAP.

Show: Undercover Boss
Channel: CBS for first air and I think Oxygen for the syndication
Why Watch: She$ got me watching this and it isn’t that bad. Although I think it would be better if the employees were bigger douche bags. There are too many happy endings and not enough firings for my liking. The wife always cries during this. I always LOL hard at the horrible costumes that they put on these CEOs.

Show: Naked & Afraid
Channel: Discovery
Why Watch: HOLY SHIT YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS. OK, so the premise is that they dump two complete strangers into some uncharted hellscape for 21 days and that’s it. They are completely nude by the way. I would last maybe 10 minutes. They have no food. No water. No shelter. It’s basically a show where two naked people try to kill themselves slowly. It is fantastic. Terrifying but fantastic. These people don’t even get paid. They’re just challenging themselves!

Show: Treehouse Masters
Channel: Animal Planet
Why Watch: I, for one, had no idea that there were professional treehouse builders out there that built six figure homes in trees. It’s pretty cool even if the host/owner of the company is a big tool. I’m afraid of heights, can’t build anything, and hate the outdoors but I enjoy this show. The one where Cee-Lo showed up looking all tiny, fat, and black was a real hoot!

Show: Bar Rescue
Channel: Spike TV
Why Watch: WHY AREN’T YOU WATCHING THIS ANYWAY!!! John Taffer is the goddamn GOAT. His look, demeanor, and the way he talks is just perfect. I love him yelling at idiots (mostly bro and whore bartenders). He is easily the greatest thing to come out of Cincinnati. All of these situations are resolved in the same way though: the bartenders are giving away too much booze and they aren’t women-friendly at all. Taffer rules.

If you asked me when any of these shows aired live, I wouldn’t have a fucking clue. They are best binge-watched on a weekend afternoon while you try to squeeze a nap in. So let’s pick up the remote, scour through your guide, and identify some quality reality programming that can help us get through the weekends until football comes back. I think that MUDawg is a big Shark Tank fan and I hate that show. I should probably announce that I’m not trying out for Big Brother again. DEAL WITH IT. Since Gay Buke won last season, maybe Gay Money will roll this Summer.

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've never seen any of these shows but I am aware of some of them.

My weekend viewing is now at the mercy of Netflix or HBOGo. House of Cards and Orange is the New Black are mos def ELITE. If you're not watching those shows, you're doing it wrong.

Also, rewatching 30 Rock, Deadwood, Sopranos, etc., while passing in and out of naps is a fine way to spend a weekend day. I'm also pretty prone to throwing on a 30 for 30 or some other documentary, because edumacation.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Check out Chrisley Rules. Rich white family in Atlanta, but they're really funny and have a hot 16 year old daughter.

Fast 'N Loud; yeah, it revolves around a classic car restoration shop, but these guys are hilarious and any of us would love to spend a day with Richard Rawlings.

Jeff said...

Naked and Afraid is awesome. Watching people get thousands of mosquito bites while getting no sleep and having nothing to eat or drink is hilarious. Did you see the episode where it's the middle of the night and there's a pissed off jaguar close by? Fuck that shit, those people are cray. There's gotta be an episode where the 2 fuck right?!?! They're probably too concerned about energy conservation though

Randall Stevens said...

Restaurant impossible is hilarious because they make you believe everything will be okay in the end. The reality is that most of these places end up shutting down for good 2 months after Robert leaves. You know why? Because you can't fix an absolute disaster in 48 hours.

Almost anything on Discovery ID is awesome. Tell me again how you murdered your wife with Lupus because you were too ashamed/lazy to divorce her. Tell me all day.

I'm a pretty big Chopped fan. Especially the episodes where the smug ass judges compete against each other. Yeah...so I guess it isn't so easy to build an edible meal out of rat claws, fig newtons, salamander and beet juice, eh Chris Santos?! Asshole.

Anonymous said...

Chopped. Now there is quality programming. I usually catch it every Tuesday night when it comes on. The only thing that really bothers me is that the winner ALWAYS has some tragic backstory. Homeless, kid with cancer, sister just died, still mourning your dead turtle from 3 years ago? WINNER.

Having getting to known these smug judges over the years, I have made it a point to eat at all of their places to JUDGE THEM. Alex Guarnaschelli and Geoffrey Zakarian's places have both failed health code at the same time. Chris Santos runs hot Lower East Side night clubs with shitty food, but Kate Upton loves going there, so that's a wash. Amanda Freitag just got her first place, so I've yet to go there. Marcus Samuelsson and Aaron Sanchez both have ELITE and cheap places to eat. Marcus is king of Harlem, while Sanchez has a bomb taco place in SoHo. Sanchez is the best.

Ide

GMoney said...

I was a big fan of the N&A episode where the guy was trying to smoke snake meat and ended up lighting the whole goddamn cave on fire.

I do not watch Chopped. Food shows just aren't as interesting to me as they used to be. I blame Guy Fieri.

I hope all of you are having a wonderful REDSKINS SUPER BOWL kind of day. Dusting off my Offseason Champs shirt when I get home tonight. Great signing though...dollars make sense, too.

Nice loss by the Jackets last night by scoring 3 own goals in the 3rd and OT. I can understand one but knocking THREE in on Bob is about as CBJ as it gets.

Mr. Ace said...

Anything show that ends with Wars is absolutely not a reality show. That shit is staged as fuck and you are dumb if you can't see that. Those shows are awful.

I do like Bar Rescue, Restaurant Impossible and Naked and Afraid. Every once in awhile I will find myself watching Hardcore Pawn for hours, even tho its terrible.

I don't really get into the Food Shows.

Randall Stevens said...

Ide is correct. Arron Sanchez then everyone else. How many Bobby Flay restaurants have you been to? Doesn't he have like...30 of them in NYC? I bet all of his places are king tits.

GMoney said...

Ape, Hardcore Pawn is the one in Detroit with the owner that looks a little like Charlie Coles, right? The missus always watches that. That guy's daughter is a huge cunt.

I think we're all smart enough around here to realize that this stuff is staged for the most part. And there are about 400 of these shows with WARS in the title because creativity OBVZ.

Nibbles said...

Wake me up when Rob Ford gets his "Ford Country" show.

Anonymous said...

I've been to Bobby Flay Steak in Atlantic City, and it was tits. I've been to his NYC place (his other shut down a couple months ago), but I didn't eat much aside from bar snacks. I have, however, went to a number of his opponents on Throwdown, though.

Ide

GMoney said...

That is your first mistake: sleeping on Rob Ford's watch.

Anonymous said...

This topic....this topic is good.

Bar Rescue, Naked and Afraid....and Undercover Boss are all ELITE television shows.

You are a douche for not liking Shark Tank. That show is excellent.

Another one you should try out is "Dude You're Screwed" on Discovery. It's about this group of 5 or 6 former green beret type guys...and they take turns having the group dump them in just awful places...and they have like 72 or 96 hours to find civilization. They are dumped with basically nothing other than their clothes. I've seen a guy get dumped in the Arctic Circle....on top of a volcano in South America...the jungle...on a raft in the middle of the fucking ocean...etc. It's very enjoyable.

--Drew

MUDawgfan said...

Damn, I didn't know Taffer was from Cincinnati!

MUDawgfan said...

This isn't necessarily a weekend show, but I absolutely LOVE Shark Tank.

Entertaining as hell and I always feel like I learn something from the show.

GMoney said...

The wife and I used to be big supporters of Gordon Ramsay until Fox gave him unlimited shows and his act got stale. I love Kitchen Nightmares (the BBC episodes are way better) even though they spend a billion dollars fixing the shitty restaurants. He was in Norwalk, OH to fix up some dump that was charging somethign insane like 40 bucks for a steak...in Norwalk...rural Ohio...no wonder that place is failing. Plus he was an asshole.

Why have none of you congratulated me on being a Super Bowl winning fan for this coming season? Bunch of ingrates IMO.

Prime99 said...

Redskins get a good player with GANG TIES, not an ELITE player who brings his lunch pail everyday. He's no Woodhead.

I watched a few episodes of Vanilla Ice with the Amish and it was good for some LULZ.

Grumpy said...

Ace jogged my memory. Hardcore Pawn even though the confrontations have to be staged. Why would people act like that and then sign a release?

Pawn Stars, American Pickers, Counting Cars, Backroad Gold, American Restoration, Chasing Classic Cars.

Anonymous said...

Grumps....you should start a reality show where you trek around the country finding beautiful trees.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I have this vision of wood panelling in whichever room it is that Grumpy watches those television shows. And orange afghans on brown couches.

Ide

GMoney said...

Grumpy definitely has a den.

I wonder if he loves or hates that Treehouse show that I mentioned. I mean, on one hand, they are building ELITE treehouses but on the other they technically are destroying the trees.

So conflicting.

Randall Stevens said...

The treehouse show is pretty good. But the host is a complete penis. I only watch in doses.

TOTES forgot about American Pickers! That show is fucking awesome and I will watch every episode. But let me clear something up...Danielle is NOT hot. Just because you have half your body covered in tats that doesn't make you hot. Just like having huge tits doesn't make you not fat.

Glad to see DeSean go to a in division rival. Hope he goes HAM every time.

Randall Stevens said...

Speaking of storage wars...I saw a commercial for new episodes. Since the show hasn't changed at all, now they're altering the cast's appearance in order to keep it fresh. They all look awful. Jarrod has a beard now and Brandon has this molestache with a slicked back mullet. Barry did the right thing by bowing out. I haven't watched his new show yet, but I'm curious since he was always the best character on storage wars.

GMoney said...

The previews for next week have Brandi and Jarrod having to close the second store that they opened less than a year ago. I always root for people to fail so that could be good.

I have no idea why they assumed that a big black dude with scars all over his face would be a good addition to the cast though.

GMoney said...

I've spent the last hour or so over at Bleeding Green Nation reading all of the fucktard Eagles fans cry about the Skins buttfucking the life out of the Iggles. These people are SO DUMB. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

The more that I think about our offense, the more I realize that it is going to be a bitch to stop. You can't double-cover receivers anymore and you can't stuff the box. I see no way that we don't win all the remaining Super Bowls. We're about 9 months away from re-naming him RGTHREELITE.

Anonymous said...

This is cute. I can't wait for you to go 7-9, and your prima donna faggot qb to fail you miserably.

Ide

GMoney said...

Not sure what makes "winning multiple Super Bowls" cute. I would say that that is dead sexy.

And if DeSean is as thuggy as the Eagles leaked him to be, well then, who's ready for a real life scene from The Last Boy Scout???

The best part about all of this is that we have absolutely insane speed which will be maxed to the fullest on our god awful home playing surface!

Notice how Ape refuses to discuss this??? It's because he is now fully aware that I am forever a better football fan than him.

Prime99 said...

The Bears still have a better offense, G$. DEAL WITH IT.

GMoney said...

Your coach fucks kids. And we both have equally shitty defenses. And last I checked, D-Hall is your Kryptonite and we pummeled your asses last season!

Prime99 said...

Your D, in part, got Josh McCown millions of $. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Jared Allen, Tim Jennings, Peanut, and a re-tooled D-Line will help. Draft a safety and some more help and the defense will look much better. So ready for this year!

GMoney said...

If you recall, I picked a Skins/Bears NFC Title game last year. I was TOTES right but the players and coaches let me down. Dare I pick that again???

Prime99 said...

You were just one year behind! Fuck the NFC West!

Mr. Ace said...

I would rather not D Jax go in the division, but if I had to pick one team in the division for him to go to it is totes the Redskins. DJax will ruin RG3.