Tuesday, April 22, 2014

NBA Playoff Preview

"My pussy is about thaaaaaaaaat big.  Give or take a foot."

So the NBA playoffs are officially underway.  There was a request last week by Commenter Larry for some HOT NBA playoff TAEKS and since Larry most likely gets bossed around at home, I figured I would let him have his way for once.  Judging by the way Mrs. Ward comments, I'm stunned she didn't force Larry to take her last name the day of the marriage.  Let's break down some playoff serieseseseses.

Pistons vs. Cavs

LOLOLOLOLOL.  I couldn't resist.


Pacers vs. Hawks
The Hawks have already captured a 1-0 series lead in this one but I still see Indiana getting this series in 5 games.  Even though the Pacers were Poop City after the All-Star break, they still have the tools and the talent to run away with this one.  That game one loss should be a wake up call for the top seed in the East.  Look for Indiana to apply defensive vice grips to Atlanta's nutsack in game 2.

Heat vs. Bobcats
For as much as we all rag on Michael Jordan and his LULZ basketball moves for Charlotte, his Bobcats are in the playoffs and the Pistons and Cavs are not.  So fuck me, I guess.  That's about where the positives end for Charlotte.  Fat Al Jefferson is hurt pretty bad and the Bobcats cannot win unless he's out there and productive.  Unless something goes terribly wrong for Miami, they sweep this series.

Raptors vs. Nets
Brooklyn is a really fucking weird team.  At the beginning of the year I pegged them as massively OVERRATED and possibly missing the playoffs.  And at the start of the season it looked like I was right.  But I realized I forgot just how anus the Eastern Conference is.  Fast forward to now and this Brooklyn team has potential to be the most dangerous team in the East.  I think Brooklyn's collective playoff experience is too much for the Raptors and the Nets take it in 6 games.

Bulls vs. Wizards
THIS, ladies and cock bags, is the series to watch in the East.  I think it goes the full 7 games and I think Washington moves on.  Year after year, the Bulls lose Derrick Rose to some vaginal infection during the season yet still find ways to pull playoff wins out of their magical buttholes.  I think the luck runs out this year.  The Wizards are deeper and better at almost every position, in my opinion.  Beal and Wall were abysmal in the opening game and the Wiz still won by nearly double digits.  That is not good news for Bulls fans.


Spurs vs. Mavericks
Didn't someone predict the Mavericks would make the post season in this year's NBA preview collaboration?  Oh yeah...it was me.  Anyway, don't be fooled by what Dallas did by nearly winning in game one.  The Spurs, even though silver bushed, are still a top notch, ELITE team coached by one of the best in the game.  Even though he is a sour ass.  But I do have to tip my hat to Popovich with his message to Craig Sager.  First class move, for real.  Stop doing shit like that so I can go back to hating you.

Thunder vs. Grizzlies
This one shouldn't be close either.  The Thunder should take this series in 4 games with barely breaking a sweat.  They're just way more talented than the Grizzlies.  It's fucking crazy to think that the 7th and 8th seed in the Western Conference would be the 3rd and 4th seed in the Eastern Conference.  Just bananas. Editor's note: This post was written before the games last night so just keep that in mind when attempting to shred me for the Thunder loss in OT.  Carry on.

Clippers vs. Warriors
In the Western Conference, THIS is the series to watch.  I've always said that Doc Rivers is one of the most OVERRATED coaches in the biz.  He didn't do shit on the Celtics and was on the verge of being shit canned until 2 future Hall Of Famers were fucking gifted to him.  Everyone wants to suck and swallow Rivers for that title but the reality is that he should have won more than one championship with the talent that Boston team had.  I think he gets exposed in this series and the Warriors come out in 7 games.

Rockets vs. Blazers
Man.  This is gonna be another tremendous fucking series with the first game going to Portland in OT.  I really don't know who's taking this series.  It's as close to a coin flip as you can get in the playoffs but I think I'm going Portland in 7 on this one.  I think the Lillard/Aldridge combo is pretty devastating and will prove to be too much in the end for Houston.  Plus Elbows McSmiles is a cunt and I don't want him to be happy.  About anything.  Ever.

ELITE break downs right there, if you ask me.  There you go, Larry.  Something to read while you nurse the bruises your wife gave you for leaving the toilet seat up.  What can I say?  I'm a giver.  Most of these playoff games have been pretty tits so far and I'm pretty pumped for the rest.  That's my time today, dick heads.


Anonymous said...

The East is gonna be awful, while the West is gonna be unreal. The Clippers are looking like they are going to roll the Warriors.

Epic collapse by the Jackets last night...unreal how fast that went down.


Jeff said...

Well that was awesome until, as the Jackets Cannon blog put it best, "2:13 of Pure Hell". Holy fucking meltdown city. Unreal. At least the Jackets scored all their goals in front of me and I was at the other end away from the prison rape. Being about 10-12 beers deep by the third, I don't even know what happened, I just looked down the ice and watched the goal light flash.

GMoney said...

Someone said on Twitter over the weekend that they should start the West games at 7 and make the east play at 10. I like that because there is no way in hell that I'm staying up until 1 am to watch Smiles McElbows.

Way to nail the 8 seed in the West. You really made my brown eye blue with that rock solid pick. Almost makes me forget about you calling Detroit a playoff team the last two years.

Honestly, I haven't watched any of these series yet outside of a few minutes of Bobcats/Heat on Sunday because I wanted to see who was actually on Charlotte. Turns out that Josh McRoberts in on CHA!

Craig Sager Jr looked like he just got back from eating shrooms in the desert for three days and gave him a microphone. But still, good for you, Pop.

Really tough loss by the CBJ. I hope that we get down 2-0 within the first 10 seconds tomorrow so that I know we will win since that seems to be fun the lead to piss away in this series. That end of period goal by Orpik was just a killer. I blame Urban Meyer and his horrible defense for that one.

Grumpy said...

I guess Jeff dropped the Flag.

GMoney said...

It's almost as if he has never carried one before, isn't it? Still got to hand it to the Jacket Backers though, Pierre McGuire said after the first period on FSO that this was the loudest building that he had been in all season. Didn't help much but still shows that we support the team.

Mr. Ace said...

The announcers were talking about the crowd all game. Part of me feels like they were exaggerating and trying to prop up Columbus. I'm sure it was loud, but I don't know if it was THAT loud. Another brutal loss either way.

Playoffs? Those don't start until the West Finals for the Spurs.

Anonymous said...

Gotta support the team

- Puddy

Anonymous said...

I would have preferred a breakdown from someone who didn't predict the pistons and Cavs make the playoffs but beggers can't be choosers.

Thibs has lost game one in a playoff series twice. He won both those series. I still like the Bulls chances but they have to slow down the wizards bigs.

I was going to be on the Warriors bandwagon until they were blown out by 40


GMoney said...

It's easy to point the finger at Andrew Bynum for completely destroying the Pacers but I would like to add a ton of blame to Evan Turner, too. What a piece of shit locker room cancer! The Pacers would be smart to cut his loser ass and bring back Detlef Schrempf.

Randall Stevens said...

The Pacers TOTES need more Shrempf. And more Rik Smits. I miss the golden age of dopey white centers.

Josh McBob looks like he's about to have a Cherokee Parks mid NBA life crisis with that fucking hair do. Maybe he and Sager Jr. can do mushrooms together.

Is anyone else praying Spurs get first rounded so Ace gets knocked off his smug ivory tower?

In the Warriors defense, I don't think Blake Griffin has another game like that in his life. Dude was acting like a 6'5" shooting guard last night. In between the legs...pull up jumpers from 20 feet. He'll never see that kind of zone again. I still think warriors win it in 7.

When you're a pistons fan, Lawrence, you usually only watch one half of your team play because they are pig shit and are usually getting blown out. That leaves plenty of time to watch other people's teams. That's why this breakdown is so ELITE.

Anonymous said...

I miss Seal.

Nibbles said...

CBJ game was a good time last night. I missed first two goals, but could hear how loud it was from the concourse. The cannon was tits on the one goal I did get to see.

GMoney said...

I do, too, but he made that odd decision to take his keyboard home with him so we have to DEAL WITH IT.

Can we get a report from Nibbles regarding his experiences last night? Hockey has to be a Daniel kind of event what with the no black dudes out there and all.

Nibbles said...

Some other tidbits:

-We had a dispute at the ticket gate as to whether our tickets were good for last night or Game 4 on Wednesday. Eventually, the ticket guys gave up and just gave us some box seats instead. Persistence.

-Its hard to admit, but I think I enjoyed going to a game at NWA more than going to an OSU football game. Maybe its just NHL playoff hockey or not being exposed to the elements. Probably getting spoiled with box seats on your first go around has something to do with it.

-Daniel did seem to be in his element, but I think it had less to do with lack of blacks and more to do with him not having to spend much money on booze due to the mini fridge.

-The Dut as you have known him is dead. He was spotted on Vine drinking what was probably a cosmo with a group of his GF's lady friends. He seemed happy though. Good for him.

Randall Stevens said...

More gay:

Ace being vegan?
Dut drinking cosmos?

So hard...

GMoney said...

I've seen that Dut has made it FB official that he is some sort of relationship. This reminds me of the time a few years ago when Ape started texting some broad that he was seeing and saying that he wanted to have kids with her or some shit and she cut off all communication with him. I think that that is right. I want to believe that Ape ended Dut's dream of shacking up with a doctor.

Nibs, I think that the environment had a lot to do with your positive experience but glad that you two enjoyed it. I can't wait for tomorrow night. Bought an extra long flagpole!

Prime99 said...

In Thibs we trust.

YUUGE win by the Blackhawks last night. Finally closed out a late game lead. Thank Toews!

GMoney said...

Just saw that the Wiz/Bulls game starts at 9:30 tonight...WTF? This is the goddamn East. Start that shit at 7.

Randall Stevens said...

So is Pete Carroll a dumb shit or just the world's biggest fucking troll? Seventh rounder for Pryor, eh?

Grumpy said...

The Pete Carroll with the Super Bowl ring, that Pete Carroll?

Randall Stevens said...

There are some Super Bowl winning coaches who get lucky/don't deserve one, Grumpy. See: Tomlin, Mike.

GMoney said...

He's better and cheaper than T-Jack. Got to cut corners somewhere to keep the bulk of your title team together. I don't see a problem with this. If for some reason Dubs gets hurt, Pryor can win you a few games.

Randall Stevens said...

I guess Pryor doesn't care about going somewhere to start anymore. Getting another ring to sell for tattoos is more important, OBVZ.