So for the last 4+ years I have been working with emotionally disturbed children. Whether it be juvenile sex offenders, gang bangers, homeless, Severely Emotionally Disturbed elementary students or a combinations of all those, I have worked with them all. This creates great times of triumph and joy, and times when you are covered in spit and blood and hoping you didn't just contract AIDS. Sprinkled in between there are hilarious moments of kids being kids/ass holes. Today I will share some of those stories.
*On Monday I took my students out to the playground for recess. Despite the kids I work with being crazy, hyperactive hellions, they only get 15 minutes of recess because schools are stupid. So we are out there for about 10 minutes and another group of students comes out to claim the playground. Now, my school is split into two wings. My wing is all Severely Emotionally Disturbed students, which basically means they have been kicked out of every other school in the district and end up here. The other wing is full of terrible kids as well, just not at the same level as mine. So when the kids from the other wing encounter my kids they often like to try to pick on them and call them ruhtards and things like that. But my kids are crazy, not dumb.
So a couple of the other kids decide to throw Nerf balls at one of my students while calling him names. This kid is an absolute wrecking ball, by the way. He tries to walk away, but they just keep on coming. So my student steps off the concrete and onto the shredded tires that surround the jungle gym and lets them know that if anybody steps onto that surface they are going to get it. Sure enough, one kid stepped in and got flattened before he could get his second foot in. Now it's a brawl. 5 other kids come and try to jump on my student. He is basically just doing spin moves around them and only stopping when he throws a nasty 3 piece combo to their face. So he does his thing, dispatching all of them, but it just so happens that a mother of one of the students he just beat up lives directly behind the school and saw the whole thing. So she comes running at him like a crazy person and he just stands there. And right when she gets to him he busts out into the Nae Nae, the dance made famous by the white kid from Mercer, and flips her off. It was glorious. A real proud counselor moment for me.
*Just a month ago I had this exchange with a student.
KID: Sometimes I have a voice in my brain that tells me to do things.
ME: Okay...What kinds of things?
K: Bad things.
M: And what do you do when this happens?
K: I'm hearing something right now.
K: He's saying "Kill you".
M: Well don't do that.
K: I won't. I told him no. But sometimes he doesn't listen.
He hasn't given in to the negative force...yet.
*Have you ever seen a kid strip butt naked, climb on top of a table, and pose like a statue? Have you ever seen a naked kid chasing around an adult while trying to piss on him? Didn't think so.
Three years ago I was working with juvenile sex offenders at a residential facility. Meaning these kids lived at the facility until they completed treatment. Some of these kids were the absolute worst and should never be allowed back into the public. But most took the treatment seriously and were able to get themselves figured out. The kids who were the absolute worst were often the ones who liked to get naked and freak you the fuck out.
One morning I get a call at like 5:30 AM. It is a night shift worker asking me what he should do with this kid who stripped naked and is now standing motionless on the table grabbing his junk. I told him to just let him stand there until I got in at 7:00. I said this because these night shift workers were morons and this kid knew it. Unfortunately, night shift worker didn't listen to me and tried to pull the table out from under the kid. Bad move. Apparently the kid stuck his finger inside his ass, pulled out a solid chunk of shit and then began chasing the staff around the unit. Staff was running around the room fending this kid off with pillow cushions.
Well, the kid got wise to this and decided to try and piss on the staff and the pillow cushions they were holding. I walked in as the kid was just figuring out his pissing strategy, chasing the staff with his poop finger in the air and then trying to piss below the pillow cushion and on the staffs legs. Being the professional I am, I tell the kid to put some pants on, clean himself up and then he can call his grandma because that is pretty much the only thing that can get him to calm down. I had to pick up night shifts for the next week because three people quit after that night.
*One of the nastiest things I have ever discovered in a kids room was his dandruff collection. Just fucking disgusting. 12 dixie cups full of dead skin.
*Also, while working residential I have walked in on numerous kids jerking off. And when I say kids I mean 15-20 year olds. Possibly the weirdest moment of my life is discovering a student in the shower who didn't know how to properly utilize auto-asphyxiation. This kid had been in the shower for 15 minutes, which is double the time that we allowed, and wasn't responding when we were calling his name. So we burst in and the kid has tied a towel around his mouth, like a gag, and the shower head, but he tied it too tight and he couldn't get out. So we have to go in and untie the towel for him. He comes out and he has a red mark on his face that makes him look like the joker. He was too embarrassed to say what he was actually doing, so he says he was trying to kill himself, which means I need to refer him for a psychiatric evaluation. So right as I am in the middle of my referral, on the phone with another agency, the kid comes clean and says he was jerking it but didn't know how to tie the towel. Making him call his parents and explain the incident was fantastic.
A lot of people complain about their job being stressful. Mrs. Ace does all the time. And because I am an empathetic person I understand how people perceive their work life as stressful. But deep down I just air wank and laugh. Experience a work day in the life of Mr. Ace and I guarantee you won't be nearly as dissatisfied with your own, despite my cherished moments like those I have shared today. But that's just reason #1696969696969 that I am better than you.
Today we come together and share work stories, or tell me how awesome I am for working with demon spawn so that one day they don't mug you in a dark alley. The choice is yours. I'm sure I will drop some more stories in the comments.