Thursday, April 03, 2014

My Work Stories Are Better Than Yours

I feel like today is a good day to tell some stories. I have some pretty ELITE stories that I have told in the past, I'm sure I posted some Storytime Tuesdays here as well as back at the ol' Toolshed. But those were mostly about me getting drunk, naked and having encounters with authorities...good times. Today I am going to go in a bit different direction and share some work stories with you.

So for the last 4+ years I have been working with emotionally disturbed children. Whether it be juvenile sex offenders, gang bangers, homeless, Severely Emotionally Disturbed elementary students or a combinations of all those, I have worked with them all. This creates great times of triumph and joy, and times when you are covered in spit and blood and hoping you didn't just contract AIDS. Sprinkled in between there are hilarious moments of kids being kids/ass holes. Today I will share some of those stories.

*On Monday I took my students out to the playground for recess. Despite the kids I work with being crazy, hyperactive hellions, they only get 15 minutes of recess because schools are stupid. So we are out there for about 10 minutes and another group of students comes out to claim the playground. Now, my school is split into two wings. My wing is all Severely Emotionally Disturbed students, which basically means they have been kicked out of every other school in the district and end up here. The other wing is full of terrible kids as well, just not at the same level as mine. So when the kids from the other wing encounter my kids they often like to try to pick on them and call them ruhtards and things like that. But my kids are crazy, not dumb.

So a couple of the other kids decide to throw Nerf balls at one of my students while calling him names. This kid is an absolute wrecking ball, by the way. He tries to walk away, but they just keep on coming. So my student steps off the concrete and onto the shredded tires that surround the jungle gym and lets them know that if anybody steps onto that surface they are going to get it. Sure enough, one kid stepped in and got flattened before he could get his second foot in. Now it's a brawl. 5 other kids come and try to jump on my student. He is basically just doing spin moves around them and only stopping when he throws a nasty 3 piece combo to their face. So he does his thing, dispatching all of them, but it just so happens that a mother of one of the students he just beat up lives directly behind the school and saw the whole thing. So she comes running at him like a crazy person and he just stands there. And right when she gets to him he busts out into the Nae Nae, the dance made famous by the white kid from Mercer, and flips her off. It was glorious. A real proud counselor moment for me.

*Just a month ago I had this exchange with a student.
KID: Sometimes I have a voice in my brain that tells me to do things.
ME: Okay...What kinds of things?
K: Bad things.
M: And what do you do when this happens?
K: I'm hearing something right now.
M: What?
K: He's saying "Kill you".
M: Well don't do that.
K: I won't. I told him no. But sometimes he doesn't listen.
He hasn't given in to the negative force...yet.

*Have you ever seen a kid strip butt naked, climb on top of a table, and pose like a statue? Have you ever seen a naked kid chasing around an adult while trying to piss on him? Didn't think so.
Three years ago I was working with juvenile sex offenders at a residential facility. Meaning these kids lived at the facility until they completed treatment. Some of these kids were the absolute worst and should never be allowed back into the public. But most took the treatment seriously and were able to get themselves figured out. The kids who were the absolute worst were often the ones who liked to get naked and freak you the fuck out.

One morning I get a call at like 5:30 AM. It is a night shift worker asking me what he should do with this kid who stripped naked and is now standing motionless on the table grabbing his junk. I told him to just let him stand there until I got in at 7:00. I said this because these night shift workers were morons and this kid knew it. Unfortunately, night shift worker didn't listen to me and tried to pull the table out from under the kid. Bad move. Apparently the kid stuck his finger inside his ass, pulled out a solid chunk of shit and then began chasing the staff around the unit. Staff was running around the room fending this kid off with pillow cushions.

Well, the kid got wise to this and decided to try and piss on the staff and the pillow cushions they were holding. I walked in as the kid was just figuring out his pissing strategy, chasing the staff with his poop finger in the air and then trying to piss below the pillow cushion and on the staffs legs. Being the professional I am, I tell the kid to put some pants on, clean himself up and then he can call his grandma because that is pretty much the only thing that can get him to calm down. I had to pick up night shifts for the next week because three people quit after that night.

*One of the nastiest things I have ever discovered in a kids room was his dandruff collection. Just fucking disgusting. 12 dixie cups full of dead skin.

*Also, while working residential I have walked in on numerous kids jerking off. And when I say kids I mean 15-20 year olds. Possibly the weirdest moment of my life is discovering a student in the shower who didn't know how to properly utilize auto-asphyxiation. This kid had been in the shower for 15 minutes, which is double the time that we allowed, and wasn't responding when we were calling his name. So we burst in and the kid has tied a towel around his mouth, like a gag, and the shower head, but he tied it too tight and he couldn't get out. So we have to go in and untie the towel for him. He comes out and he has a red mark on his face that makes him look like the joker. He was too embarrassed to say what he was actually doing, so he says he was trying to kill himself, which means I need to refer him for a psychiatric evaluation. So right as I am in the middle of my referral, on the phone with another agency, the kid comes clean and says he was jerking it but didn't know how to tie the towel. Making him call his parents and explain the incident was fantastic.

A lot of people complain about their job being stressful. Mrs. Ace does all the time. And because I am an empathetic person I understand how people perceive their work life as stressful. But deep down I just air wank and laugh. Experience a work day in the life of Mr. Ace and I guarantee you won't be nearly as dissatisfied with your own, despite my cherished moments like those I have shared today. But that's just reason #1696969696969 that I am better than you.

Today we come together and share work stories, or tell me how awesome I am for working with demon spawn so that one day they don't mug you in a dark alley. The choice is yours. I'm sure I will drop some more stories in the comments.


Grumpy said...

Is it too late to go into the family hardware business?

Anonymous said...

Doing shots with Paul Pierce and Deron Williams (and telling him to fuck himself).

Smoking cigars with Donald Trump and All Sharpton at the Grand Havana Room featuring a bathroom surrounded by windows so it looks like you're shitting/pissing on the city.

Flying to Chicago for a 2 hour presentation only to fly back (after delays) with fuckall to show for it.

Working for the guy who has a 46% stake in the Empire State Building and structuring a $160 million project.

Saving 45% of my income because Obama is a piece of shit.

Working and talking with billionaires who shape our economy (mostly Jews!) and influences the way America does business with the world.

I'm one of those guys who majored in Economics and loved it. So this stuff likely seems boring to most, but I find it to be fucking awesome.


Randall Stevens said...

There's another lie from Ide. No one likes economics. No one.

GMoney said...

Ape, those were some tremendous stories. I would love to see video of the kid who did the nae nae after kicking everyone's ass. That had to be the best.

Seriously, though, your job sounds like the worst. But watching teenagers jack off is more something you do for fun though.

Mr. Ace said...

Ide dropping fantasies when it's non fiction story time. Hilliard education.

There has to be a video out there of it. Too many ppl were around for there not to be.

Also I just saw a rap music video of some columbus fucktard on Youtube that features a second grade student in my school holding a pistol. Because safety.

Anonymous said...

Had an employee call in to tell me he won't be in to work because he was in the "loony bin." The reasoning being he found out he had a twin brother who he shared a brain with. Then called back a week later and told another employee that he found out he has syphillis and it is affecting his brain.

Not as good as a kid chasing around an adult with poop fingers and trying to piss on them but he still works there so might encounter that soon enough.


Jeff said...

'Stros getting the brooms out today! Ya Jeets!

Randall Stevens said...

I hope Mrs. Ward shows up today to serve Ace another hot plate of dung.

I don't have any impressive work stories. My job is pretty tame. What I CAN do is tell you a story of what I did to a guy at an old job who wouldn't stop fucking with me.

It was a construction job right out of high school. I was the new guy so I got fucked with. A lot. I'm a good sport and I know how the whole hazing thing works but there was one asshole that just took shit too far. One day he cracked open a tube of liquid nails and started throwing it at me. For those of you unfamiliar with liquid nails...once it's on you it's nearly impossible to get off. Well, this dick face covered me and I just snapped.

At lunch time I took an empty Gatorade bottle and found a nice, quiet place to squeeze out a shit. Into the bottle. You have no idea the concentration needed to pop one out into a Gatorade bottle. So I have a turd in a bottle. While this fuckhead is finishing his lunch, I tape the bottle, lid off, under his driver seat in his truck. In hindsight I should've used liquid nails for a little taste of irony. Anyway, that happened in August so I'm sure the smell was 10 times worse than normal. The next day I left for college so I was never able to savor the reaction. I like to believe he never found it.

Anonymous said...

Jeter honored in Houston... didnt GMoney say there wouldnt be a big deal made out of this all year because Jeter isnt that type of guy and wouldnt let it happen? Second game of the year and he is wrong. Idiot.

GMoney said...

DERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPP!!! Why are you watching Astros games? Who cares? I'm glad that you are enthralled by pregame ceremonies. Go back to being worse than Ide. IDIOT.

Speaking of Ide, who doesn't love his weekly attempts at bragging about his life? Oh you once took a piss in NYC in the same room as Donald Trump AKA the biggest douche bag on the planet (you two would get along well)? WOW! How did Al Sharpton's chocolate gun taste as it went off in your mouf? It's even better that none of you care. Well done, everyone. Keep laughing at his lies!

Jeff said...

Whoa, brah! I wish I could claim anons hot taeks. I do not watch Astro games thank you very much. I just look at scores and see that Astro broom stick deep in your anus.

I did howeva watch that wings bruins game last night. Talk about getting totally dominated and getting a win, looking at you, wings. Wins are wins though and Howard played great and Nyquist made a play.

If the Jackets hold on and make the playoffs we will not be getting our first playoff game win if matched up against the bruins. Those guys are fucking beasts.

Anonymous said...

Yea just brush it off like your prediction to Jeter being "not that type of guy" wasnt completely wrong. And you didnt have to watch the game to see it, it was all over espn. Idiot.

Prime99 said...

Ape, quit being a martyr. You chose this line of work, and you obviously can deal with the bad situations to hopefully get to the good. I would applaud your job if you weren't so smug about it.

Randall Stevens = Jonathan Martin

I don't mind my current job (better than my last one by a lot), but music is what levels me out. Glad I'm able to do that as a second job.

GMoney said...

ERMAHGERD I got a prediction semi wrong! OH LORDY WHAT WILL I DO NOW!!! Congrats on being the type of dipshit who watches ESPN all the time to nitpick blog posts. Your family must be very proud.

Look, the only thing that I'm saying is that Mo actively sought these ceremonies. Jeter has not and will not. If Houston wants to do something (and it is 100% a means to get people into their park) then he isn't going to turn it down. Glad to see that you have no idea how marketing works. There is no way that you would be invited to one of Ide's swanky business parties with Paul Pierce and Ben Stiller's wife.

Now that that challenger has been shamed forever, let's move on to discussing Ape's daily dirty sanchezing from kids.

Mr. Ace said...

Prime, I am in a field that does hard work, for the people who need it most, for bad pay despite being highly educated. I can tell people who bitch about sitting in front of a computer whatever I want. And I clearly stated that I experience great moments and bad, with the great ones being the reason I continue to show up. NOW GO DO CORPORATE AMERICAS FINANCIALS!

And it's the internet, you're supposed to be smug.

I have so many teenager jerk off stories.

Anonymous said...

I got laid off from a job after seven years. This workplace offered free lunches, so I got a lot of tuna fish and made sandwiches and hid them in desks all over my general work area. I bet it smelled something fierce after awhile.

And I filled up my briefcase with 6 Cokes before I left and I took with me quite a lot of software that I knew would never get used by the idiots that remained.

Prime99 said...

Seal and Randall have to admit that this is a pretty great anon post. ^

Ace, it's like all the assholes that tell you, "you think you're stressed now, wait until you have a kid. You have no idea!" They are, to a certain extent correct, but they are also the worst. People are allowed to be stressed without being in the worst position.

You think you're job is bad, try moving to rural Africa!

We play to the level of our opponents in life.

GMoney said...

I worked in the equipment room for the baseball team in college. This means that I had to deal with sweaty jockstraps on the reg. Where's my purple heart?

Mr. Ace said...

As an ELITE professional mental health counselor my empathy skills are at Superhero levels, so I understand how people can perceive their life as I stated at the beginning.


Jeff said...

G$ was the literal meaning of "sniffing" the field.

Anonymous said...

Jeff...there is no stopping Nyquist. Datsyuk is probably back tomorrow too.

I once worked in a restaurant where there was a guy that was spending his Summer break from Oxford in Columbus....guy was a huge flaming homo and went by the nickname G$.

As for after college jobs. I helped run a trucking fleet for 8 years. I have lots of stories about truck drivers...but, they are mainly about how gross, dumb and cry babies they are. Two that come to mind...

*We had this one driver that was probably 500 lbs and like 5'9''. He somehow paid a doctor to write false medical records for him that said his height and weight were completely, there was nothing we could do about this walking death trap. He would walk into the office and the stench that he would bring was just revolting. There was one 48 hour period where he missed a delivery and wouldn't answer his phone even though his dispatcher was calling him all the time. We figured he was dead and rotting in his truck somewhere on the East Coast. Finally after like three days he called his dispatcher and basically said he was too sick to move in his truck for that long or answer his phone. Disgusting human.

There is lots of turnover in trucking. These idiots are always looking for what they deem is a better company...or they are getting tickets....or failing random drug tests. So, when we would release a guy...we'd have him bring his truck in and then release him. This would let him clean it out...we'd then pay for a taxi to take him to the Greyhound station and then pay for his bus ticket home....actually really nice. Well, this one guy knew he was going to get fired and he was really weird as it was...but, he had no desire for us to tell him he was let go. So, he brings his truck in and then just walks out of the parking lot. Real fucking dumb....and he left all of his belongings in the truck. So, the Operations Manager goes into his truck and there are just tons of porno mags and he left his fucking lap top. So,he brings in the lap top and we turn it on...there are three women dispatchers standing around this as we turn the computer on. This dude's wallpaper was a completely naked chick lying on her back with her two fingers spreading her pussy wide open. It was a tremendous image to just suddenly pop up.


Mr. Ace said...

My dad drove truck for awhile when he got back from 'nam. Obvs the industry was a little different back then, but he has some really terrifying/awesome stories.

GMoney said...

I once worked in a restaurant where there was a guy that was spending his Summer break from Oxford in Columbus....guy was a huge flaming homo and went by the nickname G$.

I KNOW THAT GUY! They call him Admiral ELITE!

Dear Keri Russell, don't ask your husband to rape the shit out of you if you don't want to get raped the shit out of. Nice ass though!

Cakes said...

Fantastic topic today! I just wish I had more time to read the comments. Busy day unfortunately.



Prime99 said...

Ace, the fact remains is my stress is from my own life, yours is from dealing with O.P.P. I can see how you PERCEIVE it different, tho.

Anonymous said...

Ape...there are some really good guys that are truck drivers...and run their truck like the business that it is for them. But, they are far out-numbered by the socially retarded/also mentally retarded rest of the lot.


Anonymous said...

Skins signed McPoise.

Super Bowl is now guaranteed.


Mr. Ace said...

Prime, when I use the word perceive I don't mean it in a sarcastic, your perception is wrong way. I mean it as your perception is your reality and you base all of your thoughts/feelings on your perceptions. Chill BRAH!

Drew, my dad mostly has positive stories about his experience. But he also has stories about being stuck at a truck stop in New Mexico for 3 days because of sandstorms and being afraid of the inbred drivers he was stuck with.

GMoney said...

McPoise? Good one. I wouldn't want to claim that comedic gem either, Sinbad. Seriously, that is REALLY stupid.

The FACT is that Colt McCoy has a winner's pedigree. I mean, he did QB the Niners to the NFC title game this season and was only on the bench because Jimmy BRAH is a reverse racist. A real Uncle Lamar IMO.

This does unfortunately mean that The Sex Cannon is gone OR they believe that they can deal Cousins.

Anonymous said...

Another work story:
I worked as a camp counselor at a Boy Scout camp during the summer. Another counselor had an entire suitcase full of weed for the summer. We often had a bag of beer underneath our tent platform.

We were sixteen.

Anonymous said...

One of my favorite stories from working up in Canada last year happened on my last trip up. We were in the van for the 2.5 hour ride up to the camp. Two of the guys near the front were shit-faced, as they had stayed at the airport bar to drink all afternoon. Even though these two were good friends, they start fighting. One of the guys (his nickname was Big Black Mike) yells at the driver to pull over. The two drunks get out of the van and start throwing down in the middle of the fucking highway. Logging trucks are flying by and these two are rolling around in the road. The cops show up, ask a couple questions, and then have to leave to respond to a moose accident down the road. The guys that got the fuck beat out of him ends up puking all over the van. We drop the two off at a hotel, they are fored, and another set of cops show up. the loser of the fight ends up with a concussion and a broken jaw. BBM ends up getting arrested 2 hours later at the bar for beating the shit
out of another guy. Fucking Canadiens...
-Ohio Nate

GMoney said...

That's a solid story right there.