Tuesday, April 08, 2014

March Sadness


"Let's win this one for bourbon!"



This last Saturday I was in Turd Bucket, USA or better known as Ashtabula.  Most fart face Ohio fans know this landfill as the home town of Urban Fistyourself Meyer.  Let me tell you this.  It TOTES makes sense that a trash ball like URBZ would call a place like Ashtabula his home.  What a fuckin dump, man.  It looked like a town ravaged by an end of the world apocalypse.  Everyone was fat and toothless, too.  It makes me happy to know that URBZ is complete white trash at his roots and there's nothing he can do to change that.  Moving on.  Since there was a semi-important last college basketball game last night and live blogs write themselves and I'm lazy...guess what?  Well.  You can do the math.

8:32 - This has to be one of the top 5 dumbest stadiums to watch a basketball game in.  Especially in the nose bleeds.  Hope you enjoyed paying a million dollars to watch a game on a giant jumbo tron.  Dip shits.

8:34 - Clark Kellogg just called his wife "Lover Girl" and gave her a happy birFday shout out.  My wife said she wants me to start calling her that.  My response was a fart from my butt.

8:36 - G$'s favorite analyst Doug Gottlieb just said a bunch of words while dribbling a basketball.  I'm assuming it was something about credit card fraud and the struggles of being gay.

8:38 - My dog is already bored with this game and is snoring like a bastard a foot from my face.  This should be an easy blog to write.

8:43 - You should be ashamed if you enjoy anything composed by Kid Rock.  What an absolutely miserable performance.  Just a sweaty trailer park hog.  With Hepatitis.  Probably Urban Meyer's best friend.

8:48 - In case you forgot how shit Kid Rock is, here is another sample.  Speaking of stuff that is terrible...I hope you're ready to get eye fucked with a thousand Capital One commercials tonight.  I'm already hot with Seal rage.

9:05 - HOOTIE doing the National Anthem!!  In Texas of all places!!!  Ide does not approve.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!  Normally I beg for National Anthem fuck ups but I'm glad Hootie nailed it.  Woulda set black country artists back 30 years.

9:15 - Tipoff.  I really hate Julius Randle's big dumb smile.  I don't know why.  Maybe because it's Joker like and just stupid.

9:16 - Uconn's guards are fucking tiny.  The Harrisons just tower over them like dopey giants.

9:18 - Julius Randle with an early exit...and what the fuck is Cauley-Stein wearing under his jersey??  I'm pretty sure it was a mu-mu.  Or a shirt made from his grandmother's hot pan holders.

9:20 - That Napier steal was pretty bogus.  My first impression is that Uconn is going to run away with this one eventually.

9:23 - Holy shit Gary Busey is still mentally insane.  What an absolutely brilliant commercial.  In case you missed it, Google search "Amazon TV Gary Busey."  You're welcome.

9:24 - What the hell does Napier do with his legs when he shoots?  Mister crazy legs.  Just heard that Julius Randle's idols are Tony Romo and Dez Bryant.  LOLOLOLOL!  Great choices, loser.  No chance Kentucky wins now that I know that.  Timeout.  17-8 Uconn.  Smartest thing Calipari has done all day.

9:31 - Just got up to piss and saw the wife spoon feeding one of the cats pudding.  Then she asked if the game had started yet...while being 10 feet from the TV the whole time.  What the fuck did I do?

9:39 - God dammit this Uconn team is fast with savage defense.  I really don't see them losing as Andrew Harrison starts to pout like a bitch.  Napier is killing it right now.

9:47 - Randle has to be hurt pretty bad.  He looks terrible out there and is sitting again.  Kentucky getting desperate and falls into a 2-3 zone.  Fun unrelated fact: There has only been one white guy on the court all game.  And he's not even American.  Walt Behrman is pretty disgusted right now.

9:49 - YOUUUUUUGE three by Young, steal and dunk by Harrison.  But Napier answers with a prayer from nearly half court.  That was a pretty bad shot and Seal is probably tearing the linoleum off his kitchen floor with his bare hands.

9:54 - The three ball and Julius Randle's block party is really keeping Kentucky in this bitch.  Only down 7.  Seal starts rubbing the kitchen floor softly while apologizing to it.

10:00 - One minute to go in the first half and Randle gets his first basket.  That's not good.  Kentucky in the middle of one of their classic late first have tournament runs.  Somehow Kentucky is only down 4 at half.  Just saw a sign behind the CBS crew that read "Lawyer, Guns and Money.  I have no idea what the means but it makes sense seeing that sign in Texas.

10:25 - Second half starts with a Harrison 3.  Kentucky down 3 after Boatright breaks Randle's ankles.

10:32 - This Brimah goon looks like a more uncoordinated version of Dikembe Mutombo.  What I'm saying is that he's not good.  I love how guys get basketball scholarships just for being tall.

10:38 - Now Uconn gets desperate with the 2-3 zone.  That charge on Poythress was fucking pathetic.  He follows that bad call against him up with an even worse 3 point attempt.  Missed free throws might be what kills Kentucky in the end.

10:42 - Kentucky is really protecting the tin.  By my count the Cats have four million blocked shots in this game.  Give or take a million.  Under 12 timeout Uconn is up 5 with free throws coming.

10:49 - Kentucky is starting to fall apart........HOLY SHIT!!  Young gives worse version of Mutombo a shiny pair of Arabian goggles.  That dunk made me barf a little.  Worse Mutombo looks like he's just a walking foul.  Grab some wood there, bub.  Your night is over.

10:52 - Nice shot of Romo and Witten stroking each other's schlongs.  Those live shots from Lexington aren't really from Lexington.  They can't be.  I didn't see one person fucking a goat or finger blasting their sister.  Uconn up 3.

10:59 - Kentucky pulls to one.  I've been wondering all game how many of these Kentucky freshmen bolt for the NBA regardless of the outcome.  I think Seal is the only one who watches this team enough to have a decent handle of that question.  Maybe he can unshun himself and lift his commenting ban long enough to enlighten me.  Kentucky can take the lead here...

11:02 - Harrison with the THREEEEEEEEEEEE.  Brick.  Guess the college three is too close for him. Apparently it needs to be NBA range for that lucky asshole.  Back down the court for Uconn.  Napier's three....wet.  Uconn up 4.

11:07 - Harrison steals from Napier, gets fouled and blows the front end.  Kentucky hanging themselves with these free throws.  Down 6 with four minutes to go.

11:12 - Oh boy, this one's gonna be tight.  Daniels puts Uconn up 6 with 2:30 left.  Who's got the hairier peaches boys??  Uconn ball with 1:42 left.

11:15 - Daniels has completely sucked his own scrotum tonight.  Playing his worst game on the biggest stage.  It's cool though.  I bet there aren't any NBA scouts watching this game anyway....Young pulls it to 4 with 54 seconds left.

11:17 - Poythress about destroys his life while getting undercut.  This could be it after those Uconn free throws.  A few bricks by Kentucky and Uconn wins it.  Jim Calhoun is the house so you know he's packing at least a flask in that suit coat...let the party begin!  Normally I stick around for the post game to document what is certain to be some hilarious interview moments by some really illiterate players...but I'm tired as fuck and it's bed time, cock faces.  Randall out.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Day late on this but thought I would share my thoughts...

I don't comment much but I read on a daily basis. I usually don't read until the afternoon because my job does not allow me the time to comment. I've been a long time reader for around 3-4 years and enjoy the commenting almost as the blog itself. Stepping away from our personal life problems and arguing sports makes the day a little easier and give me personally something to laugh about. The last time I check we're all men so if you can't take a little joke or teasing this site is not for you. If RS was not offended by someone calling his wife wheels then I think you should be able to handle being called a "bitch."

Larry

Grumpy said...

That's why you practice free throws.

Mr. Ace said...

Cal's team being awful at free throws...sounds about right.

UConn might be the worst team to ever win a title. They were so fucking bad during the regular season. Good thing SMU didn't get in. But that's the reason we all love the madness.

So how many people are leaving Kentucky? Lets put the Over/Under 3.5.

Jeff said...

Nutted that game, bitches. Should be automatic championship, IMO.

GMoney said...


I would not be surprised if the only guys from UK to turn pro and Randle Stevens and Young. The Harrisons are not ready.

Calipari's "strategy" in the last minute is a fireable offense IMO. Once you foul for the first time, you have to keep fouling. Granted, they weren't going to win since Jerry Conn doesn't miss any free throws, but still, that was dumb. Commit one way or the other but don't half ass it.

HUGE fan of Shabazz Napier screaming into the mic like a raving derelict after the game about how it was bullshit that his "Hungry Huskies" were banned from the tournament last year. Dude bro, your team had an Animal House-like GPA of 0.0 for like a decade. You earned that one year ban.

For whatever reason, I'm not expecting a Seal return today (if it is even likely to happen again).

WHO'S READY FOR SOME UNDEFEATED DYKEBALL TONIGHT!!!

GMoney said...

Also: big props to Kevin Ollie who ranks up there with Eric Snow, Larry Hughes, Danny Ferry, and Jiri Welsch as worst Cav ever!

Grumpy said...

Not just the fouling strategy, but what about that time out after the 6th foul? Gave UConn a fresh 35 seconds.

Randall Stevens said...

I've read Mrs. Ward's comments here. Larry is probably more used to getting called a bitch than anyone else here.

I like 3.5 for the over/under Kentucky players leaving early. I'll take the over on that. The Harrison twins are the wild card. If one goes they they both go and that's a 2 player swing. They're pretty much the exact same player from what I've seen.

I'm not real sure what to make of Napier at the next level. I want to say he'll be a good pro but the dude is so god damn small.

Randall Stevens said...

Fun fact about the women's tournament: A one seed has lost to a sixteen seed before. That's just fucking terrible. That should never happen.

Fun fact #2: Women's basketball is shit.

Jeff said...

After UK fires Cal today for terrible coaching last night, or he's leaves to dodge sanctions, do they hire Geno(Auriemma, not Smiff)?

GMoney said...

They need to bring back Billy Clyde Gillespie! That man defined train wreck.

Jeff said...

Or Steve Masiello. He claimed to have graduated from UK, but never did. He must really love big blew to claim that.

GMoney said...

You have to be a real shitbag to lie about graduating from Kentucky.

Anonymous said...

Columbus State holds bigger academic prestige.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Napier listed at 6'. Don't know if that's legit or not. Still, he has the quicks and basketball IQ to make it at the next level.

Mr. Ace said...

I don't know Kentucky's current recruiting situation in detail, but I'm pretty sure they have another top class coming in. Not sure people are going to stick around at Kentucky, either by their own choice or Cal's. Commits might reconsider if too many players stick around.

Napier will play on the next level.

Anonymous said...

Odds that Slow punched his wife's pregnant belly last night in a fit of rage? I'd say very high. LOLZ @ how mad he must have been...brings a smile to my face.

That was some really dumb coaching by Cal in the last minute.

It's a pretty shitty year for PG's in the NBA Draft which should help Napier. LeBron tweeted that Napier should be the 1st PG taken...so, remember that if he ever becomes GM of your favorite NBA team in 15 years.

Really impressive run that UConn went on by beating three teams that were ranked #1 in the nation at some point this year in the tourney. I think Ollie is headed to some really big things there....seems like a really good guy too.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Is anyone here still friends with Seal on Facebook? I'd love to see his reaction. Zero chance he can take losing to UConn with humility.

Ide

Jeff said...

Pay me my money, Ape!!

Anonymous said...

Isn't it safe to say that UCONN is the class of college basketball. 4 titles since 1999 and PWNing of Kentucky. Seal sucks.

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

UCONN is college basketball. Lolz

I actually liked this Kentucky team. They didn't seem like total shitheads which masked the douchiness of the coach...and fanbase.

GMoney said...

Fuck UConn. The class of college basketball is Stanford Football. DEAL WITH IT.

Anonymous said...

Dut...good point. G$ calling them a "meh program" is worthy of some hearty LOLZ.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I don't consider them "meh" because they suck since they don't. I consider them "meh" because I don't ever think to myself "I MUST watch UConn play tonight." I just don't care about them. It's a dyke hoops school forever no matter how many titles they win.

Plus I always hate Khalid El-Amin.

Anonymous said...

If you want a good laugh...look up Khalid El-Amin's son on the internet. He must have had the kid when he was 17 or so. Kid acts like he's some entertainment talent mogul and the pictures are full of LOLZ's.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The only black pics I Google are from the 1870s.

Ide

Grumpy said...

That's post slavery. Don't you want pics from around 1850?

Randall Stevens said...

Seal is taking it pretty well, actually. How ripped do you think Calhoun got last night? I bet it was pretty bad.

There's no way Napier is 6'. He's gotta be like 5'10" at the tallest.

Anonymous said...

Do you guys remember a couple weeks ago when I called out Slow for saying he was quitting this place...and then he was all "I was just joking!". Now he's unfriending people on Facebook and has actually taken his comments and gone home. I think the "fucking bitch" label that someone gave him last week was actually pretty fitting.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drool, what did we just talk about yesterday? Unless you recently changed your last name to Incognito, GIVE IT A REST.

Grumpy giving Ide tips on slavery? Impressive!

Randall Stevens said...

Drooler Incognito. LOL.

I gotta throw support to G$ on the whole UConn basketball thing. It's just not something I seek out. When I'm scrolling through my cable channels and I see UConn V. Anyone I usually keep moving.

Anonymous said...

G$....see Larry's post to kick off the day. That's how I feel about the whole "bitch" thing.

Randall...that would explain why your opinion on Drummond (Shaq 2.0) was awful.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I saw it yesterday when it was posted the first time. My post > Larry's wife > Larry's comment

If we want the guy to come back at some point then pull back on the petty name-calling otherwise you are just insulting a ghost and one of our other rube writers already established that ghosts are fake. Or not. I only really read this site on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

I find UConn boring and I would guess that most everyone else does, too. That is all.

Prime99 said...

UCONN is pretty boring. ESPN is pretty excited about them, though.

I watch some of the game but college basketball has lost so much of its former glory. I should've loved the shit out of this year's tourney. However, I did not. Sadly.

Jeff said...

That shit about Rovell on Deadspin that was started by PFTcommentor is great. What a BITCH Rovell is for narcing. Kid did go to michigan so its ok, IMO.

GMoney said...

#cancellrovell