Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Lights, Camera, Crap!

"As a matter of fact I am not on steroids.  Why do you ask?"

Last weekend I saw Draft Day on the night it opened.  I won't lie.  I was pretty pumped to see a Hollywood movie that was willing to document the shittiness of my favorite pro team in such glorious fashion.  After the movie I felt pretty underwhelmed by the whole experience.  It wasn't that great.  Mainly because Jennifer Garner falls short on making the audience believe that she is actually a woman, let alone bangable.  Seriously...Jennifer Garner is a gross, hideous, moose of a woman.  Her shoulders are broad like Frankenstein's and she has the face of a garden gnome.

So I started thinking on the drive home.  What other sports movies missed the mark for me?  There are OBVZ choices like Rudy and The Hurricane that were entertaining but based on complete and total lies.  But I wanted to throw some fresh blood out there since we've all (for good reason) taken turns cheap shotting how hilariously false the Hollywood versions are.  So here they are in no particular order.

Varsity Blues
I went back and watched this crap fest again a few years after everyone was proclaiming this to be one of the best football movies ever made.  Jesus, it's bad.  The more I watched the more I questioned how people actually enjoyed this shit pot at one point.  No coach in the history of modern day football would ever allow his players to get away with the tomfoolery that goes on in West Canaan.  Furthermore, a bunch of punk kids would never be able to effectively boycott a coach the way Bud Kilmer was.  Especially a group led by a guy who calls a hook and ladder like this:

Not Pictured: Lance's finger in his mouth signaling "hook".

Remember The Titans
Ide's favorite movie.  A movie about the death of racism at a high school in Whiteville, Virginia.  The football scenes in this movie are just laughable.  There's one in particular that is always good for a LOL or a million when I see it.  We're at the end of the movie.  Julius (not Peppers) is chasing down this kid from behind in an attempt to strip the ball.  He looks like the fucking T-1000 from Terminator 2 while booking after this kid.  Perfect running form that would give Tim Downey a boner hard enough to black him out.  Just a bad, bad movie.

Coach Carter
I'm gonna say it.  Not a big Samuel L. Jackson fan.  His whole "I'm black and mad and I yell all the time!" thing has really run its course with me.  I'm sure Prime can shed some more "this movie sucks" light on this one since his claim to fame is getting owned by that Coach Carter team.  You know, up there in what they call the NoCal.  All I know is that if Channing Tatum is your 5 you're never winning games. #waltbehrman

The Program
Another ridiculous football movie.  This steamy turd paved the way for pieces of dung like Varsity Blues.   AND ECU WAS FLORIDA STATE!  WE ALL KNOW IT WAS FLORIDA STATE YOU WERE IMPERSONATING!  JUST SAY IT!  Overall this shit was almost impossible to take seriously from Lattimer bashing his head through windows to Joe Kane laying down in the street while cars nearly ran him over.  Who was the white chick in the movie Kane wanted to fuck with the Heisman he didn't win?  That chick wasn't even hot and looked like she was a 40 year old grad student.  The downside of being hammered 24/7, I suppose.  Mom jeans with ass back you could land a plane on is never a hot look on any campus unless it's 1970's UCLA.

Major League
This one should ruffle some feathers.  I won't deny this movie the catchy one liners.  Definitely some classics in there.  But the actual game playing scenes are so incredibly far fetched.  I understand this movie isn't supposed to be 42 when it comes to cinematography/believability.  But it's also not supposed to be The Naked Gun.  Shit.  Or maybe it is.  Or maybe I just hate baseball that much.  Overall I find this movie to be a tad OVERRATED.

Time for all the Major League homos to come out in droves.  I'm ready, though.  That movie isn't that great.  If sports movies aren't enough today (ones you love ones you hate) then we can always talk about Aldon Smith getting arrested again.  Smith's the kinda player Bud Kilmer would cream himself over.


Grumpy said...

The company I worked for made Rudy's Notre Dame jacket. That makes it the best sports movie of all time.

Mr. Ace said...

You're bad at watching movies.

I would love for you to expand on this whole The Hurricane wasn't based on facts thing. Seems pretty legit from what I can gather. If your argument is that he was convicted for these crimes, despite no reliable eye witness testimony or evidence, then maybe you missed the point of his story about being black in the 60's. I get that they glossed over his past and glorified him, and made up Canadians as heros, but the facts around the case are that particular case seem spot on. Maybe you should read this; http://www.nytimes.com/1999/12/28/movies/separating-truth-from-fiction-in-the-hurricane.html

So what are some sports movies where the cinematography/believability met your standards?

I thought loving The Program was a pre-req to being a contributor.

Anonymous said...

Rudy fucking blew. I truly hated that movie. Let's watch some dumbshit retard who wanted nothing more than to play for an awful team work his way up through his crippling learning disability and terrible physique to hop into the end of a game on a bullshit play. Nope. And fuck Notre Dame.

I've seen Major League around 100 times and it never stops being ELITE. Yet, I don't remember thinking any of the plays were that unbelievable, except for maybe Tom Berengers knees breaking at the end. And Wild Things pitches were clocking in at 85-90 mph in real life so they didn't have to use 80s CGI on it. So, yeah, you're either completely wrong or you only watch the Scott Bakula version. Likely both.

I remember the Program being awesome, but I watched it a few years back and it is terribly dated. Plus Omar Epps. The football scenes were great and Mack was a beast. Shout out to Lattimer almost getting shived to death by tweezers over the weekend.

Fuck Rudy.


GMoney said...

So we're just going to let him slide on talking shit about Kristy goddamn Swanson? Kristy Swanson was 90's hot as fuck. YOU WRONG AND DUMB AND SHOULD KILL YOURSELF LIKE DESMOND HOWARD.

Fun FACT: I have never seen Remember The Titans. I don't care for "mixed" football.

I can see why Rando would hate Major League. It is unrealistic for the Indians to ever be good. Count it. But seriously, the only stupid scenes are when Eddie Harris is throwing 45 mph Vagisil balls up there.

I've said it before and I will say it again: I hate Field of Dreams.

To steal someone else's joke, it was nice to see Draft Day come in 4th at the box office last weekend, just like the Browns in the AFC Norf.

Jeff said...

"So what are some sports movies where the cinematography/believability met your standards?"

Yes, please do tell.

These are interesting taeks from a guy who probably enjoys most super hero movies.

Can't wait for Stan's taeks.

GMoney said...

LOL go figure that a guy who loves a faggot like Thor would call out Miracle for being meh (probably).

Randall Stevens said...

I'm just glad no one is defending Varsity Blues right now.

Now for the Hurricane. As I mentioned before, Carter was a thug. He was arrested and jailed multiple times for violent crimes prior to these murders. He was even court martial'ed four times and eventually booted from the military. Yet the movies seems to conveniently gloss over these facts. Second, Carter was actually convicted of murder twice. Once by an all white jury and a second time by a mixed jury. Oh...and Carter also failed a lie detector test at his second trial and several witnesses who had provided Carter's original alibi admitted they were asked to lie for him. Did I mention there was a shotgun with shells found in the car Carter and Artis were driving in? Didn't see that in the movie.

Then there's this:
In March 1976, Mr. Carter was released on bail to await a new trial. A few weeks later, Mrs. Kelly says the boxer beat her into unconsciousness in his hotel room during a meeting she sought with him over affairs relating to her involvement with his cause. Rumors of the beating got out. Finally, Chuck Stone, a columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News, broke the story of the alleged beating in a front-page article. After Mr. Stone's column ran, the alleged beating became a national story. Mr. Carter's celebrity support melted away.

Sounds like the acts of a non-violent man victim of racism, right?

And Carter wasn't released because of all of this new ground breaking evidence proving his innocence. His innocence was never proven. The decision was overturned because the prosecution withheld evidence. I don't remember hearing any of this in the totally factual Hollywood retelling of this story, Ace.

GMoney said...

I'll defend Varsity Blues. I don't think that they were trying to emulate real life situations there. It was MTV showing the world how idiotic Texans treat Texas HS football. NOW FIRE THAT FUCKING PIGSKIN!

There are elements of Varsity Blues and The Program pulled from different teams and stuffed into one Hollywood creation. In consider The Program to be an amalgam of every SEC school. If you think of Joe Kane as Johnny Football, it makes sense.

Stop over-thinking these entertaining motion pictures. You're just jealous because Nola Knepper never made you a whipped cream bikini. Maybe.

Randall Stevens said...

Super hero movies fucking rule. And if you say you don't watch them then you're lying to us and yourself.

I didn't say I HATED Major League. I said I found it to be OVERRATED. Big dif.

Watch any time Dorn fields a ball and throws to first. In reality every one of those balls should end up in the 4th row of the stands. And the whole Harris thing that G$ mentioned. It's like slow pitch softball.

On the other hand I did watch 42. The baseball scenes in that movie were believable to me. Same with Eight Men Out. I don't remember LOL'ing every time a baseball scene was happening and that movie was made around the same time Major League was.

But of course the most factual baseball movie ever made was Rookie Of The Year.

Jeff said...

I'll defend Varsity Blues. I'm not crowning it as one of the best sports movies of all time, but it is enjoyable. It has moments of brilliant stupidity and hot teacher tits.

Spoiler Alert, it's OBVZ not a true story, but it is high school football in TEXAS. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you didn't play high school football in rural TEXAS where it is LIFE.

Randall Stevens said...

Moneyball. Another baseball movie that had believable scenes about the sport it was representing.

Randall Stevens said...

What Noela and I did behind closed doors is between us.

I understand that Varsity Blues is a fictional account of Texas football. But it shouldn't be THAT unbelievable. I have a hard time believing kids can get shit faced at a strip club until 8am the day before games and steal cop cars without any repercussions from the head coach. Plus in reality that whore Darcy Sears would've died of AIDS years ago. She was probably sexually active at 10 giving whip cream bikinis under the bleachers at recess.

Prime99 said...

Coach Carter is an asshole. I believe I've mentioned this previously, but the movie takes more than a few liberties, some major and some minor. Brief points:

- Carter's first year coaching was my junior year. This was not the year he locked the kids out of the gym (I'm sure no one else at the school uses the gym and chaining it shut is fire code approved.)
- My junior year, my school hosted Richmond in the first round of the playoffs. We beat them by two, with me scoring the winning basket.
- Coach Carter requested that we forfeit our victory because our crowd was yelling racial slurs at his team. I wonder if that would've offended the black people on our team? I don't believe it happened and I also don't think that request is coming from a man who DOESNT enjoy getting his name in the paper.
- The following year is when all the movie stuff happened and again, I don't think this was solely for the good of the kids. Dude is a media seeker.
- another example, he went on to coach SlamBall. Yeah, with trampolines.

Hard to do the whole story justice, but the movie is a farce and CC is a cockbag.

Mr. Ace said...

So you are saying he was guilty of those murders?

And the second jury had two old black guys in it. Hard to call that a jury of your peers.

And Carter passed a lie detector test when he was originally arrested.

You're copy pasting random shit now about his character. I have no idea who Ms. Kelly is or her relevance/credibility.

And he was exonerated because he was convicted based on some BS revenge racism theory that was unconstitutional as fuck.

Honor him for the hero that he is!

Prime99 said...

Varsity Blues is very realistic. Of course J-Mox could usurp control of the team and freewheel them to the 'ship!

Speaking of "going to Da 'ship" how about Hardball? Where Keanu Reeves has a gambling problem! Very realistic!

Jeff said...


Anonymous said...

Team Ape on the Hurricane stuff.

G$...Who thinks "Miracle" is meh?

G$'s correct on The Varsity Blues angle. It's an MTV produced film with some hot chicks...whip cream on titties scene...don't overthink it.

Draft Day's previews make it look like one of the worst movies ever. I can't imagine it did much bizness outside of Ohio. I can only imagine those theaters full of Cakes-like minded folk wearing their Browns jerseys and barking at a movie screen. Miserable.


Mr. Ace said...

Drew said exactly what I thought regarding Draft Day. That shit looked horrible and I like Costner and everything football.

Playmakers needs to come back. THAT SHIT WAS FO REAL.

Prime99 said...

Gurwitz on Playmakers was hilarious. Michael Sam before it was cool.

+1 to Jeff on KEKEMBAS!!!!

GMoney said...

G$...Who thinks "Miracle" is meh? Probably Rando. Wasn't real enough for him.

It seems to me that when it comes to baseball movies, Stevens prefers the dramas but not the comedies. He also doesn't understand that comedies are supposed to be light-hearted and not always make sense. I'm getting all worked up about someone actually thinking that Major League is OVERRATED. I want to fight that n***** Riley-style.

Anonymous said...

I watched draft day on Friday night. The only reason I was entertained was because the theater was full of browns fans and it was pretty rowdy. The moves the browns make are terrible just as you'd expect.


Prime99 said...

This got me thinking about Keanu's great sports movie resume. I mean, between The Replacements, Hardball, and The Matrix (based on Josh Gordon's athletic ability according to Cakes), Reeves is a fine sports movie actor.

GMoney said...

Yeah, the only people who seem to like Draft Day are stupid Browns fans and PFTCommenter. Everyone else be all like LULZ DUMB.

Prime, don't forget about Point Break! Surfing and chilling with Swayze are ELITE sports!

Prime99 said...

[Points gun to the sky and starts shooting]


Anonymous said...

Calling Major League OVERRATED is one of the most egregious things said here. Which is rich considering the diverse fans of terrible teams we have here. I've always placed that movie in my top 5 sports movies ever. Playmakers was the GOAT.


Randall Stevens said...

"Playmakers needs to come back. THAT SHIT WAS FO REAL"

The best part is where Cuba Gooding's brother gets clean piss injected into his pee hole.

I'm not saying Carter MOS DEF killed those people, Ace. What I am saying is that it's at least possible and the movie paints Carter as something that is isn't. A good person/good boxer. Shit. There's even a scene where Carter beats the tar out of this white boxer only to lose the decision to a racist judge. The reality is that Carter lost that fight in such a lopsided way, the real Joey Giardello sued the film makers and won a settlement. It's incredibly misleading from the first scene all the way to the last.

Never saw Miracle. After watching Mystery, Alaska I determined there can be no better hockey movie. LOL. Kidding. But I for reals never watched Miracle.

"I can only imagine those theaters full of Cakes-like minded folk wearing their Browns jerseys and barking at a movie screen"

LOL. That's almost exactly how it was in the theatre when I was there, Drools. Minus the Cakes.

Listen. I get the difference between a comedy and a drama, shit heel. But you can't slapstick your way through a movie unless your goal is to make it The Naked Gun or Police Academy. Some of the actual sports scenes have to be believable.

GMoney said...

I'm going to defend Mystery, Alaska. You give me a hockey team coached by Burt Reynolds--I'm sorry--JUDGE Burt Reynolds and I'm IN.

Rando's thought process: I wanted to get into The Hurricane but I just couldn't get over that that was not the actual Ruben Carter. That was CLEARLY Denzel Washington. Not sure how Hollywood let that happen. Totally ruined the movie for me. And where were the prison rape scenes? I figured that if I was going to spend 2.5 hours on a movie about a black guy in prison, I'd get to see quite a bit of penetration. I'm out. Just awful. UNREALISTIC.

GMoney said...

By the way, every time that Prime talks about Coach Carter, I have no idea what he is talking about. Never seen it and never will and don't even remotely know what makes him so special. He hated white dudes, I assume and if you take that avenue, I have no use for you.

Cakes said...

Calling out MAJOR LEAGUE just made me want to murder you.

Randall Stevens said...

Rando's ACTUAL thought process:

This sure is entertaining. Denzel always kills it. Too bad 70% of this movie is all made up Hollywood bullshit.

I wouldn't even care but when you disclaim that it's based on a true story...you should probably get the story right. Call me a stickler for appreciating small details like truth.

Randall Stevens said...

Another FACT:

If Major League was a movie about the Tigers, Cakes would hate it.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Point Break for Keanu.

Mr. Ace said...

I usually love Anon drop ins. But this was the worst ever. Not only was there no trolling, ON A TUESDAY NO LESS, but Point Break was brought up an hour ago, BRAH. Fuck outta here.

GMoney said...

Good call, anon, way to re-reference something that I mentioned an hour ago. Go kill yourself anonymously. No one cares.

For Love of The Game was about the Tigers AND starred the Browns GM and I thought it was OK. Throwing a perfect game against the Yankees is TOTES far-fetched though. The Tigers should absolutely hire Verne Sillinger as their manager though.

GMoney said...

Ape got my back, bruh. DIE ANONS.

Schillinger, not Sillinger...damn these fat fingers.

Prime99 said...

I watched Man of Steel last night and it was pretty good, though it was hard to get over how unrealistic the flying and alien worlds were. I bet that was 95% made up Hollywood crap!

Anonymous said...

Randall Stevens fucking sucks.

--Ann Onymous

Anonymous said...

So RS likes super hero movies but doesn't like a sports movie because it is not realistic?? Makes sense.

What about blue chips??


Prime99 said...

Blue Chips isn't realistic enough because a white guy was the third stud recruit after Penny and Shaq. Also, Nick Nolte was (kinda) sober.

GMoney said...


Iron Man = TOTES could happen
Roger Dorn's crow hop and throws over to first base = FAKE AS FUCK

Why do I employ this shitheel??? Because I'm lazy? OK, carry on.

Anonymous said...


Superman is gay, basically. Batman FTW.


Prime99 said...

Worst part of Man of Steel was the end. Bro gets a job at the Daily Planet and Metropolis looks completely ok. NY is taking 15 years to rebuild one skyscraper, let alone the hundreds that were destroyed by the Kryptonians (Superman included.) Don't tell me he eye beamed the whole city back together- that would be unrealistic!

Randall Stevens said...

You guys are children. OBVZ superhero movies are made to be unrealistic because the whole concept of superheroes is an unrealistic one in itself. So I get the suspension of disbelief there and it doesn't matter how ridiculous they get. Because they're supposed to be ridiculous. But there has never been a pitcher EVER in the history of Major League Baseball that made a roster throwing a 70 MPH fastball like Old Gray Dick Harris does. So sorry if watching that makes that part of the movie a little LOL for me and makes me question the integrity of the baseball part that is supposed to be somewhat real.

GMoney said...

But Eddie Harris has veteran MOXIE! Don't forget that before they started "peeling sections", he was the ace of a god awful team that was trying to move. So basically, ownership knew that he sucked and him on the team would help them move to Miami. But he had a cagey way about him and knew how to get people out.

Prime99 said...

Charlie Hough?

Tim Wakefield?

RA Dickey?

Barry Zito?

Jamie Moyer?

Randall Stevens said...

I said 70 MPH FASTBALL, smart ass. Good try though, Dickie Thon.

GMoney said...

Eddie Harris throws harder than well-documented homo Spiderman.

Anonymous said...

The Indians once paid for Alvaro Espinoza. He was worse in real life than Roger Dorn would've been.

Unrelated, but can we give this Boston Strong thing a fucking rest. That bus crash last week caused more damage/fatalities than these diphits with a pressure cooker did IN A CROWD. Its not Boston's 9/11, GIVE IT A REST MASSHOLES (and ESPN).


GMoney said...

I'm with Ide! FUCK 'EM!