"As a matter of fact I am not on steroids. Why do you ask?"
Last weekend I saw Draft Day on the night it opened. I won't lie. I was pretty pumped to see a Hollywood movie that was willing to document the shittiness of my favorite pro team in such glorious fashion. After the movie I felt pretty underwhelmed by the whole experience. It wasn't that great. Mainly because Jennifer Garner falls short on making the audience believe that she is actually a woman, let alone bangable. Seriously...Jennifer Garner is a gross, hideous, moose of a woman. Her shoulders are broad like Frankenstein's and she has the face of a garden gnome.
So I started thinking on the drive home. What other sports movies missed the mark for me? There are OBVZ choices like Rudy and The Hurricane that were entertaining but based on complete and total lies. But I wanted to throw some fresh blood out there since we've all (for good reason) taken turns cheap shotting how hilariously false the Hollywood versions are. So here they are in no particular order.
I went back and watched this crap fest again a few years after everyone was proclaiming this to be one of the best football movies ever made. Jesus, it's bad. The more I watched the more I questioned how people actually enjoyed this shit pot at one point. No coach in the history of modern day football would ever allow his players to get away with the tomfoolery that goes on in West Canaan. Furthermore, a bunch of punk kids would never be able to effectively boycott a coach the way Bud Kilmer was. Especially a group led by a guy who calls a hook and ladder like this:
Not Pictured: Lance's finger in his mouth signaling "hook".
Remember The Titans
Ide's favorite movie. A movie about the death of racism at a high school in Whiteville, Virginia. The football scenes in this movie are just laughable. There's one in particular that is always good for a LOL or a million when I see it. We're at the end of the movie. Julius (not Peppers) is chasing down this kid from behind in an attempt to strip the ball. He looks like the fucking T-1000 from Terminator 2 while booking after this kid. Perfect running form that would give Tim Downey a boner hard enough to black him out. Just a bad, bad movie.
I'm gonna say it. Not a big Samuel L. Jackson fan. His whole "I'm black and mad and I yell all the time!" thing has really run its course with me. I'm sure Prime can shed some more "this movie sucks" light on this one since his claim to fame is getting owned by that Coach Carter team. You know, up there in what they call the NoCal. All I know is that if Channing Tatum is your 5 you're never winning games. #waltbehrman
Another ridiculous football movie. This steamy turd paved the way for pieces of dung like Varsity Blues. AND ECU WAS FLORIDA STATE! WE ALL KNOW IT WAS FLORIDA STATE YOU WERE IMPERSONATING! JUST SAY IT! Overall this shit was almost impossible to take seriously from Lattimer bashing his head through windows to Joe Kane laying down in the street while cars nearly ran him over. Who was the white chick in the movie Kane wanted to fuck with the Heisman he didn't win? That chick wasn't even hot and looked like she was a 40 year old grad student. The downside of being hammered 24/7, I suppose. Mom jeans with ass back you could land a plane on is never a hot look on any campus unless it's 1970's UCLA.
This one should ruffle some feathers. I won't deny this movie the catchy one liners. Definitely some classics in there. But the actual game playing scenes are so incredibly far fetched. I understand this movie isn't supposed to be 42 when it comes to cinematography/believability. But it's also not supposed to be The Naked Gun. Shit. Or maybe it is. Or maybe I just hate baseball that much. Overall I find this movie to be a tad OVERRATED.
Time for all the Major League homos to come out in droves. I'm ready, though. That movie isn't that great. If sports movies aren't enough today (ones you love ones you hate) then we can always talk about Aldon Smith getting arrested again. Smith's the kinda player Bud Kilmer would cream himself over.