Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Josh Gordon Is Gossip Girl

"GORDON" must be Ebonics for "narc"
You probably weren’t aware of this, but tonight marks the final meeting of the season between two of the world’s greatest basketball teams and EVERYTHING is on the line. That’s right, I’m talking about the Pistons and the Cavaliers. A certain former Tuesday writer here predicted both of these teams to make the playoffs before the season started while yours truly had much, MUCH lower expectations. Go figure that each team was a MASSIVE disappointment. Apparently, it takes more than gobs of young talent to win in the NBA. You also have to do things like “be a team” and “make jump shots” with a sprinkle of “play defense”. It’s a tough formula to perfect, no doubt, and when you’re poorly coached and run, you can see how easy it is to fall well short of your goals.

Somehow, both of these forgettable teams are in the news this week which is as uncalled for as it is unnecessary. Let’s talk about both stories briefly because the Cavs and Pistons do not deserve a ton of our time:

*Joe Dumars is expected to resign as Pistons Head Moron – Well it’s about fucking time considering that he should have been fired 8 years ago. The Pistons won the title in 2004 and I’m not sure that Dumars has done one correct thing since. Granted, he is beloved among the dwindling fan base and even the simplest fucktards still get his name shaved into their misshaped heads, but he should have been long gone for a while. You have to give Dumars a little credit for somehow having the safest job on the planet despite producing horrendous results. And these rumors of the Cavs having interest in his services better amount to nothing more than rumor. The last thing I need is a starting lineup featuring Kyle goddamn Singler. At least they probably won’t lose their lottery pick this year (thanks to LOL-worthy tanking). Darko Milicic...NEVER FORGET!

*Kyrie Irving…U MAD BRO – Kyrie has had a tough year. The team has sucked pretty much throughout with the exception of a hot streak once the season was pretty much over anyway. He has only missed a few games this season (around 10) which should lessen the “made of glass” stereotype. But there is no doubt that he has regressed a bit (that might not be the right word…how about plateaued). Usually, in year three, you expect a star to take off but Kyrie has mostly stayed stagnant outside of All Star Weekend. There were all sorts of stories being leaked from his “camp” throughout the year and all of it was annoying. Look, he’s probably going to stay for a few more years at a minimum unless an “injury-prone” player wants to risk all of his future earning potential to Joe Flacco himself next season (will almost certainly not happen…he’s going to sign some sort of extension because it makes NO SENSE NOT TO). Old Fatty Windmill himself, Brian Windhorst, let it leak again that Kyrie wants out which set the PG on a quite a Twitter rampage over the weekend.

He was pissed. The point of his message was “ask me…stop saying that you spoke with a source because they don’t exist…so ASK ME”. And that makes sense but athletes are liars so I highly doubt that that rant is going to change things. Then, for some strange reason, Browns WR Josh Gordon, put down his hash pipe long enough to unload some HOT GOSS on First Take (not Worst Cake) citing that he lives next to Dion Waiters and that Kyrie and Dion hate each other and that one will have to be traded because they can’t co-exist. So many questions about this:

1. Why is First Take even asking a football player about the relationship between two basketball players?
2. How awful must it be to live on the same floor as Josh Gordon and Dion Waiters? So much loud rap music!
3. Josh Gordon doesn’t know shit and he is breaking some serious BRO CODE.
4. Kyrie telling Gordon to “mind your own business” is exactly right. Who the fuck are you to be breaking TMZ scoops? I’m really looking forward to Ryan Raburn breaking the story that Joe Thomas leads the Browns in clogged toilets and it is causing a HUGE rift with Phil Taylor.
5. I’ve watched these two play all season (I am a hero for doing this). It was rocky as fuck for a while but they look fine to me now and have for months.
6. How high are you, Josh Gordon? Shut the fuck up.

I just don’t get his angle here. Why is he stirring shit up that has nothing—NOTHING—to do with him? Listen, pothead, a few years ago another pretty good (at the time at least) Browns receiver had a buddy who tried to start shit with LeBron and they sent his ass packing to the Jets ASAP. I’m not saying that it will happen again, just that it has happened in that city before. If Josh Gordon’s goal is to get Kyrie out of Cleveland, yeah, please don’t do that. Also: FUCK YOU JOSH GORDON. GIVE IT A REST!

Whoa! That was way too many words wasted on two terrible franchises. I must apologize for this. We’ll see these two shitty teams AGAIN in Secaucus, NJ for the lottery. Sorry, Danny Boy, you lying midget piece of shit. You’re a worse Dan owner than Snyder. GO (home) CAVS! And don’t forget to CARRY THE FLAG!

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cavs lolz pistons lolz

Larry

GMoney said...

Indeed. I will also say lolz to the Bullz who wanted to tank after their pussy bitch got hurt again and then managed to somehow be better.

RIP Ultimate Warrior!

RYAN MOTHERFUCKING JOHANSEN!!! It would be great if the Jackets would stop giving up goals in the last 15 seconds of games though.

Anonymous said...

RIP Ultimate Warrior indeed.

It's so Cleveland to have two stars from different sports basically in a high school feud.

I definitely think Dumars will get hired to be a GM for another team.....and I REALLY hope it's Cleveland. That would elicit so many LOLZ from me. It amazes me how fat Dumars has gotten recently as well...no time to jog when building juggernauts I guess.

The Wings and the Jackets are both headed to the post-season. It would take something completely wild for them not to make it....playoff chances as of this morning...

Wings -- 98.5%
Jackets -- 97.7%

--Drew

Randall Stevens said...

Any team that starts Carlos Boozer is in no position to be LOL'ing other franchises.

The best part about Dumars resigning is that he's resigning and not getting shit canned. How he's kept that job for so long is beyond me.

At this point I don't know why the Pistons don't give Laimbeer a shot to coach that team. Worst case scenario they fire him after 40 games like everyone else. Or just throw a blank check at Tom Izzo and say "write in what it will take to get you away from East Lansing."

GMoney said...

Izzo's reply: "Fire everyone from the players to the front office to even the person who delivered this check to me. Fuck you all. You are all incompetent. And once that is done, I'm staying at Sparty. God bless."

Happy CBJ Playoff Clinch Day (hopefully!)!

I'm just really confused as to how First Take even knew that Josh Gordon had gossip on the Cavs. Like, how would they know this if he didn't tell them directly that he had a HOT TAKE on the team that he doesn't play for. What a bitch.

Mr. Ace said...

All your teams lolz. This is the year of the Spurs.

Give Josh Gordon some weed and he has information on anything.

Jeff said...

Pay RYJO his money!

This fucking team never likes to make things easy. Our chances might be better if we also pull our goalie when the other team does.

Prime99 said...

First Take probably has a tattoo/GANG SIGN analyzer and one of Gordon's tats clued them in on his Waiters TAEK.

Kevin Costner should be mad at Gordon for causing a stir so close to DRAFT DAY.

Prime99 said...

Iron Shiek sent love to Ultimate Warrior last night. Apparently he went all class instead continuing his hate upon death.

Anonymous said...

Tonight is really a "must lose" for the Pistons against the Cavs. For some reason they decided to win their last two games...and if htey win tonight they are in danger of fucking up their ping pong ball status...which normally I wouldn't care about, but if they don't get top 8 then they lose the pick.

--Drew

GMoney said...

You mean how Dumars got fleeced by Michael Jordan of all people? Man, his resume is truly ELITE when it comes to being a failure.

Anonymous said...

Yet, Dumars would be the best Cavs GM ever due to that championship on his resume.

--Drew

GMoney said...

LOL no...MAN, I'M JACKED TO CLINCH A PLAYOFF BIRTH TONIGHT! THE CBJ ARE PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO DALLAS.

Hey Buke, you've lived out there long enough for me to assume that you've turned on us so FUCK YOU AND THE COYOTE YOU RODE IN ON!!!

GMoney said...

Anyone have thoughts on this season of Justified? Love that the final season will be the showdown between Raylan and Boyd.

Cakes said...

Gordon can say anything he wants after leading the league in receiving with Weeden and Campbell throwing him the ball. nobody gives a shit about the Cavs. in the court of public opinion, the Browns win every single time.

Randall Stevens said...

KRYrie needs to nut up and stop worrying about what other people are saying. You don't like people talking about you or the media "making shit up"? Do something else for a living. Be a line cook at Burger King. No one gives a shit about those people. What a bitch.

Anonymous said...

"LOL no" that the Cavs have had a GM win a championship for them?

--Drew

GMoney said...

LOL no that Dumars is better than anyone (except for whatever Paxson we had...yeeeeesh) at constructing a basketball team. That's like saying that Bruce Weber is a great coach for making the national championship game and then just ignoring how much of a fucking idiot he is the rest of his life.

Gordon is a contact high away from a year long suspension. He should worry more about his career than his neighbors (both of which have publicly and adamantly refuted his teenage girl gossip by the way). Even less than no one gives a shit about the Indians. Never Forget. Go paint your face red and be a racist. NO CLASS!

I do agree that Kyrie should pull back on the complaining. If he doesn't like it, then sign an extension or declare that he's leaving. That would end all of the rumors and speculation right away.

#Iwin

Anonymous said...

Bruce Weber didn't win a championship...Joe Dumars did...terrible comparison. He won a championship...went to a game 7 of another...and made six straight ECF's. That resume is better than any Cavs GM...FACTS.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The fact that the bulls start boozer and have no rose or #dengbang and are still better than the Cavs and Pistons tell you how lolz they are.

Kyrie is overrated. His career is starting to go the Carmelo route more than LBJ.

Larry

GMoney said...

That does not make him a good GM NOW. You're better than this. Him constructing a good team (probably by accident) ten years ago doesn't mean that I want him on my side now.

Just look at Bob Brenly and Brian Billick. They both won titles and no one wanted anything to do with them.

It's not a bad comparison because it shows that just because you can get to the end, it doesn't mean that you know what you're doing or can sustain anything. DEAL WITH IT. Deport Drew/Import Seal!

I've said before that Kyrie is OVERRATED (if you are going to use that word then use it correctly). His career path seems on line closer to Chris Paul who has never even come close to any sort of playoff success either and has a history of missing time with a variety of ailments. Not sure why I would want my PG to be like Carmelo or LeBron though.

Anonymous said...

I didn't say you should want him now...I said he's better than any Cavs GM ever since he constructed a CHAMPION. Deal with it....GNo$

--Drew

GMoney said...

Well I guess it's a good thing that I'm not married to some old Cavs GM then. I still have no idea what point you are trying to make other than:

"Shitty GM is better than even shittier GMs!"

Replacing diarrhea with a turd is still shit.

Either way, I expect Dan Gilbert to make a completely terrible hire. May I interest you in promoting Mike Brown to coach and GM???

Anonymous said...

No. I have no clue what Gores is gonna do, but he let Dumars pick Mo Cheeks (LOLZ)...so, he's definitely gonna make this one and hes' a flashy guy...so, I expect a flashy hire (does not mean good). I do expect him to go after Izzo as he's a Spartan....but, I don't think Izzo would be a good NBA coach so I think that's a bad idea/don't think Izzo will do it. So, I have absolutely no clue who he will hire for coach or GM...but, like yourself...I'm expecting both to be awful.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I can't see Izzo making the jump. I mean, he has no problem screaming at his players and throwing tantrums. That shit isn't going to fly around grown ass men with 8 figure paychecks.

It also doesn't help that the Pistons are in awful shape with a bad roster of me first guys and a fan base that has pretty much quit.

Anonymous said...

I was referring more in terms of success not position. Carmelo had a great start to his career and was basically right behind of LBJ but LBJ took that next step where Carmelo did not. Just like Kyrie has not

Larry

Anonymous said...

Yeah...the only reason that I could see the job tempting Izzo is because his team next year is not going to be good...and he doesn't have any stud recruits coming in at this time for the year after either. This year was kind of his last stab at a championship until a few more years down the road if he can pick up the recruiting. So, he may see it as a good time to try out the NBA...something he's always said interests him a bit. But, agreed...his style would not fit well. Shaq 2.0 could be enticing though as well.

--Drew

GMoney said...

If he was 25 or older, I may agree but Kyrie is 21 year old. This may come as a shock to most but even your buddy G$ wasn't in championship mode at 21, bros.

I think that this scenario just showcased how paranoid and insecure the city of Cleveland is when it comes to sports. Not that there is anything wrong with that but the fans get really defensive (see: Seal) and that has apparently permeated to the players. Hell, Dion and Kyrie had to call a joint press conference just to announce that they were friends. WHO DOES THIS!

Detroit just isn't an attractive job and someone like Izzo isn't going to leave his situation for that. The Lakers? Yeah, maybe, same thing with Calipari but not for a unstable situation.

Cakes said...

RARE instance that my work computer let's me through the SEXY firewall! Better make it count.

WINDIANS!!

GMoney said...

AWWWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Skins host the Browns on Monday Night Football this season!!! Preseason counts to me!!!

Anonymous said...

Football schedule talk? It's looking like the Bills are going to be the Lions Thanksgiving Day game....that's awesome for a variety of reasons. Biggest of all being my drunk Bills fans friends are all gonna be coming up for Thanksgiving.

--Drew

GMoney said...

That is not confirmed yet though, Drool, and I wouldn't trust the Bills to drop truth bombs. Plus, why the fuck would the NFL schedule a Bills/Lions game on Thanksgiving? That's just cruel.

Anonymous said...

It has to be either Buffalo or Miami. The Schwartz angle and the fact that Ralph Wilson lived in Detroit so they can honor him and Ford...are angles better than anything Miami brings.

--Drew